I was one of the lucky ones who determined very early on, without much guilt, that I would be a much better mother to my children if I returned to work, part-time at first.
The part-time option sounded good. I could be home early to spend more time with my baby, and it felt right, because i was to tired to work a full day, anyway. It was relatively easy for me – I’m not particularly proud to say – to be selfish during those early postpartum months and put my needs right up there next to those of my baby. I have a slight rebellious streak that dates as far back as i can remember. I remember the exultation I felt walking into the high school gymnasium with my boyfriend, clad in jeans, to the formal prom. I remember the work boots I wore with colored socks accompanied by a way-too-short mini skirt, long before it was a fashion statment, simply because I hoped I could get away with it.
Similarly, as I entered the world of motherhood, I recoiled from what was expected of me, whether that pressure came from my family or society as a whole, and soon discovered the comfort in doing things that felt right for me, even if it meant ruffling some feathers. That didn’t mean I wasn’t tempted to surrender when I found myself sucked into the pressure cooker of “opportunities” for young mothers and their babies…
Longing for daytime companionship, I took my 4-month-old baby to a local baby gym class. Hopefully, I won’t offend any readers by saying I am almost positive he did not care whether he was in this brightly decorated room filled with expensive baby-friendly equipment or snug in our living room surrounded by unvacuumed dog hair and a Sesame Street video that had looped in repetition for the fifth time. I sat for a while in the circle of neurotic competitiveness, listening to mothers chatter on about whose baby was doing what and how many activities they had squeezed into their sleep-deprived schedules. Why was I there, I ask myself. Who, exactly expected this of me? That was the first and last class to which I would drag myself.
It was then that I decided that if I were to maintain my sanity, I would pledge to:
- Not go to baby classes programmed to make my baby smarter, faster, more agile, or speak foreign languages.
- Not compare myself to others.
- Not compare my baby to other babies.
- Do what I needed to do for ME and bring my baby along in the process.
- Do the best I could.
- Not be hard on myself if I failed to live up to unrealistic expectations.
- Ask for help when I needed it.
- Trust my instincts.
This is what I try to help other mothers do, today. ♥
Adapted from Therapy and the Postpartum Woman (Routledge, 2009) by Karen Kleiman