Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts

I have 2 children and have always been a worrier over everything developing anxiety as a child. I always wanted children. When my eldest was born she came by C section. That first weekend was awful, she cried alot they kept trying to make me breast feed though I wanted to bottle and I didn't know how to express that! Before she was born every one told me that I'd feel this wave of love. I did everything for her bath, nappies etc she wasn't neglected but I didn't feel any emotions towards her I didn't love her and would often think of leaving the house and never returning not caring or leaving her behind. When my husband came home I'd pass her to him and feel relieved I didn't have to deal with her anymore. Family would often take her off me if I felt over whelmed instead of helping so she bonded with them. She never came to me for comfort. She was born for me at 3 when I finally bonded more with her though at currently 6 it's still not perfect and she will always prefer her nanny than me. Her brothers 6 months old and i love him loads but I don't feel like me I've lost all my confidence, we lost our home and live with family, lost my job and it's too much at times. I get up and try every day and those feelings of running away come back often. I often question myself and think it's all my fault. I have support but I also wish I didn't need any and was normal!

My scary thoughts centred around thinking our house would literally fall apart, the bath would go through the ceiling and the washing machine. I also believed I should pack my bags and run away because anyone else would be better than me at raising my children. But I have had alot of help to see that although I have post natal depression and severe anxiety I'm doing the best I can and that I don't need to feel guilty about these thoughts anymore

18 years ago, when I was a new mother, I was riddled with anxiety, fear, confusion, depression. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was so excited to get pregnant, and had such a wonderful pregnancy - I didn't understand why I was feeling so low. I particularly remember when my baby was about 2 weeks old, a big storm was blowing through and I thought to myself, "Okay, Lord - if you want to take me and this baby away with this storm, I'm perfectly okay with it." The next day, I called my mother and she gently yet firmly asked me to call my OB/GYN for help. I am so grateful I had an OB/GYN who took me seriously and immediately got me the help I needed. Everyone is different, but for me, that help encompassed medication and therapy. The next time I was preparing to have another child, I knew what to expect and worked to get my treatment plan in place. Today, my 18 year old is doing well at college and my other child is doing his best in high school. Forums such as this have helped me learn to let go of the shame/guilt I had over my scary thoughts.

I’ve recently walked into the postpartum rage era. The other day I was driving with both babies (18mths & 5mths) screaming their heads off bc it was past nap time. I was exhausted driving and I know they were too, but my brain kept saying just at the next turn do not turn and fly this car off the edge…

We just bought a house with a pool in the back, and i have frequent thoughts of either my toddler falling into the pool and me finding him unresponsive, or him drowning and me standing there frozen, or images of myself drowning him. The thoughts terrify me and I’m only comfortable in the pool with him if my partner or someone else is there.

After years of IVF and multiple chemical pregnancies & miscarriages, my beautiful magical little boy was born. I’m so grateful for him, I love him so much, but I am plagued by horrible scary thoughts of harm coming to him, or me harming him and it terrifies me. He is my everything and my purpose in life is to keep him safe, how can I think these things!? Sometimes it feels like I must be mad.

I have a recurring intrusive thought of taking my toddler on an car ferry and him slipping through the railings into the water. I jump in after him but he’s sinking like a stone and his body is so small, how could I find him in time? And if I did, what if the boat kept going and nobody could hear me calling for help? Then he would have to be cold and scared as he watched his mother struggle to keep him above water until eventually we both drowned.

I am plagued by the fear of something killing or incapacitating me while I’m the only one caring for my son. I get vivid, intrusive images of him cycling through confusion and fear and anger as he seeks care and comfort from his unresponsive mother. I am counting down the days until I can teach him how to call 911 by himself. I want to cherish this precious time but my brain won’t allow me to. Every day I grieve my inability to enjoy the present moment.

My 2yo son and I were in a plane when it hit a massive patch of turbulence. He hugged me and my arms were enough to comfort him. When I thought of the possibility of the plane going down, literally all I felt was relief. I would never again have to worry about harm coming to him. I would never have to grieve losing him and he would never have to grieve losing me. I didn’t realize until that moment that my PPD hasn’t really gone away. Only then did I register the massive weight of my ongoing anxiety that he be happy and safe and healthy.

I imagine accidentally dropping my baby all the time. I envision how he would fall, where he would hurt himself, and the horror of me trying to console him and his bad injuries. It's like I can't even stop these thoughts from happening. I hate it. It makes me nauseous.

I imagine accidentally dropping my baby all the time. I envision how he would fall, where he would hurt himself, and the horror of me trying to console him and his bad injuries. It's like I can't even stop these thoughts from happening. I hate it. It makes me nauseous.

When my little girl was a newborn, I was terrified someone would break in and kidnap her. I was also afraid I might drop her or if I fell asleep holding her she would fall and get seriously hurt.