This thread is amazing. Needs to be turned into a list and handed out to expecting moms by every ob/gyn. They tell women everything under the sun about what to expect for 9 months; why not this?!
I think it’s wonderful you’re making this list for new moms. It would have been reassuring for me to know I was “normal”
“Scary Thoughts” is an expression used to encompass any and all categories of upsetting thinking that can interfere with the well-being of a new mother. Scary thoughts refer to negative, repetitive, unwanted and/or intrusive thoughts or images that can bombard you at any time (Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts by Kleiman & Wenzel, 2010). Scary thoughts are anxiety-driven, they are extremely COMMON, and most new mothers admit that have, at some time, imagined or worried about harm coming to their babies. The shame of having these thoughts can prevent women from speaking about them. In response to women telling us they feel isolated and ashamed of their thoughts, we asked women to share their scary thoughts in an attempt to help them express these distressing ruminations, so they can get relief and also help other mothers understand how universal this phenomenon is.
The objective of our PPSC project #speakthesecret is to obliterate the stigma attached to scary thoughts which are so common in new motherhood.
♥ THANK YOU ♥
to all the brave women who continue to disclose their scary thoughts.
Together, we will educate many and help reduce the anxiety and stigma. #speakthesecret
Our page is an ongoing list of the thoughts that brave women have chosen to share in the hopes of helping women know they are not alone and that having scary thoughts is common during pregnancy and the postpartum period. We will add thoughts as they are submitted.
DISCLAIMER: This list is anonymous. We do not ask for any identifying information and therefore are unable to contact you. You can contact us at any time if you want to modify or delete your submission. We reserve the right to edit or not include a submission if, for any reason, we feel its content is unsuitable for this forum and are not able to respond to individual clinical or medical concerns. We may decide to create a meme from your words which may be (anonymously) posted on various social media platforms. Please keep in mind that this forum is not a substitute for professional intervention and posting your scary thought on this site will NOT give you access to treatment. There is NOT follow-up after you post. We are notIf you are worried about the way you feel, we urge you to contact a support person and a qualified healthcare provider. If you need assistance locating a provider who can help you, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Click here to order a copy of GOOD MOMS HAVE SCARY THOUGHTS by Karen Kleiman. It will help you feel better.
- My baby was going to die in the middle of the night and I was going to find her in her crib cold and lifeless.
- Sleep deprived and overwhelmed, I pictured myself throwing my crying baby down. (This distressed me the most because I would NEVER hurt her and I felt like a terrible mother for that image crossing my brain.)
- We stayed in a vacation house with a loft and I kept picturing my toddler daughter flying right over the ledge and smashing onto the floor below.
- What if someone kidnaps my child and sells her into sex trafficking???
- Every news story about an infant or small child brought a “What if….? and an image of that happening to my daughter.
- My daughter is going to die at daycare from ___ (insert any number of possibilities).
- There was a period where everything seemed dangerous or deadly…driving, grapes, sleep, ledges, kidnapping, stairs, cancer, and so on. It was exhausting.
- I had paranoia that my baby couldn’t be around sharp objects..I knew I wasn’t going to hurt her but somehow I thought things such as forks would somehow hurt her..it was awful I remember people holding her and eating with a fork and my anxiety would be through the roof and to others who haven’t had ppd with intrusive thoughts this might sound insane but it seemed completely logical to me at the time…and that’s when I went to a ppd meeting that’s where I was told the difference between intrusive thoughts and psychosis and for once I had an understanding of what was going on…it is hard to put this out there because people can be judgmental by not understanding but I have come to the point in my life I would rather put it all out there and help save one mom so she didn’t feel alone like I did…
- Falling down the stairs while carrying my baby & dropping her while walking with her or getting her out of her car seat.
- My abuser would find us and hurt/take my children and/or me. The scary intrusive thought/anxiety/ptsd combo was hell.
- After I had my second child, I imagined putting them both in my chest freezer so I could get some sleep. That’s when I decided to get on meds.
- We were walking one day in the neighborhood. I was convinced he was going to fly out of the stroller into the ditch. I didn’t see how he would get there but I ‘saw’ in my mind him there.
- I was convinced I was going to die on one of the water log rides at an amusement park. Not my husband who was riding with me. Just me.
- Same day at the amusement park, convinced he would slide out of my arms, wiggle across the Ferris Wheel basket (?) and fall.
- If I left our son at any time our bond would be broken and we wouldn’t love each other.
- The baby being dropped on anything hard – blacktop, concrete, tile, hardwood. I’d sit somewhere tightly clutching the baby while watching the floor down below us slowly turn red and just be unable to shut it off in my head. I’d have to sit down to go up or down some sets of stairs while holding the baby. It was bad while I was holding the baby but the intrusive thoughts were often worse when someone else was holding the baby over a hard floor. They’d come out of nowhere in the middle of the night too. Knives and other sharp objects were also triggers.
- Contracting an illness or disease as a result of someone not washing their hands or being hygienic in another way. I had my first during the Ebola outbreak and during flu season. Ultimately, I would fear the worst, that my baby would end up dying from something like this because of other people’s carelessness. I was very strict about others washing hands, etc., and I avoided leaving the house at all, except for appointments, for about three months. It was extreme, looking back.
- If I fall asleep the baby will die. If someone else watches the baby while I sleep, I can’t watch them watch the baby, so the baby will be seriously injured or die in someone else’s care… Protective services will take my other children because obviously I shouldn’t be asleep when they are asleep, or awake, or allow them to be cared for by anyone else.
- I struggle daily with letting the kids out of my sight, literally. I am consumed with who, where, what may or may not be happening while I am out of eyesight.
- My husband doesn’t understand that letting him help is worse than just letting me do it all.
- I thought if I bathed the baby on my own, there was a good chance that I’d leave her in there, and walk away.
- I thought that I would leave the baby in the car on a hot day.
- I thought that if I held the baby in certain ways, with her head resting on my arm, it would only take the slightest movement and it would crush her, or break her neck.
- A few weeks before my son was born I saw a black crow smack itself against the window outside his soon to be room, this convinced me something bad was going to happen. I also saw an elderly woman in black walking down my street, saw that as a sign too (like she was a witch)
- After I delivered when he was being weighed and measured I thought to myself that I was dying and that he was going to lose his mother, I told the nurses and they checked my vitals.
- I wouldn’t let [my mother and father] drive to the shops as I was convinced they were going to be killed in a car accident. They walked but I kept making them ring me to let me know they were ok.
- Despite being calm and happy all pregnancy, Post partum hormones kicked in on top of sleep deprivation and I became so anxious. I thought my anxiety would spread to my baby so didn’t want her to be near me. I thought I was toxic and ruined. I would pump milk and my husband would feed her. I cried all the time and thought she she had chosen the wrong mum. A year down the track I can see this is all nonsense and I am one of the lucky ones who received so much help and support to recover. But those thoughts are powerful and intrusive.
- I thought anything could hurt my baby, knives, clingfilm, pictures might fall, the lightfitting could come down. And much more . It was very bad i’d even worry that id snap and kill him somehow as there was baby deaths in the news. I was a nervous wreck and rather isolated.
- If everything wasn’t just so (like a piece of clothing was out of place or a picture wasn’t straight in the wall) I HAD to fix it or someone was gonna break in our house and harm the baby.
- I didn’t want to hold my daughter while I fed her a bottle. I thought I’d have her head at the wrong angle, and she’d either suffocate or choke on the milk. I propped her up with a pillow on the couch and held the bottle. I’m a birth professional and KNEW that that was more likely to cause suffocation/choking, but I couldn’t stop myself.
- Anything having to do with SIDS.
- If everything wasn’t just so (like a piece of clothing was out of place or a picture wasn’t straight in the wall) I HAD to fix it or someone was gonna break in our house and harm the baby.
- Every time I went outside to get fresh air for my son and I, I put him in the carrier and had so much fear walking on the sidewalk thinking a car would come up on the curb or he would fall onto the road. My mind imagined the whole scene. it was even worse when my husband was pulling him in the wagon.
- Contracting an illness or disease as a result of someone not washing their hands or being hygienic in another way. I had my first during the Ebola outbreak and during flu season. Ultimately, I would fear the worst, that my baby would end up dying from something like this because of other people’s carelessness. I was very strict about others washing hands, etc., and I avoided leaving the house at all, except for appointments, for about three months. It was extreme, looking back.
- I thought if I bathed the baby on my own, there was a good chance that I’d leave her in there, and walk away.
- I thought that I would fall when walking, and somehow in the fall I would drop or throw the baby over a railing, or down the stairs.
- We lived on the junction of the 2 biggest streets in our city. Every day as I got him out of the car seat (we had to park on the street), I would have thoughts about how it would be to get hit by a car racing past.
- I had very strong scary thoughts when standing on a balcony with my second baby that I might drop her off on purpose and also when I was carrying her through doorways horizontally that I would smash her head into the door jam intentionally. This is despite loving her intensely, not being depressed or particularly anxious, and not having these thoughts with first baby.
- My worst intrusive thoughts were around the SARS virus that was around in 2003-2004. In January 2004, my daughter was 8 weeks old and I saw something on the news about SARS. I became convinced that it was going to be the end of all human life, and rather than allow people to suffer, the government would provide suicide pills for all adults, injections for children, or medicine to put in baby bottles. I had visual images (not hallucinations) of having to kill my baby, and of myself, husband and baby lying huddled in bed, dead. It was horrific. My intrusive thoughts were so bad that I was later diagnosed with PTSD.
- I had really terrible trouble with this in the first year after my baby was born, particularly at night when I was trying to sleep. One started off with me imagining my husband and I taking the baby to our favorite pre-baby vacation spot in Mexico, where we honeymooned. I pictured her sitting quietly at the water’s edge, playing in the sand and looking out at the beautiful ocean in a floppy hat and cute swim suit. And then I imagined a shark swimming up and taking her. And I imagined myself running in after the shark to save her, and getting horribly maimed or killed myself.
- What if I leave her to run an errand or something and I die? What if my husband leaves for work and dies? What if we get in a car wreck on a bridge and the car falls into the water and I can’t get to her to save her? I stayed home for a long time after she was born. She is two now and I still have these thoughts from time to time.
- If I leave my house, I will get in a wreck and die and my daughter will never know her mother. If I die, my husband doesn’t know how to put her bottles/sippy cups together. I was deathly afraid of germs. I would “see” germs everywhere. I was terrified to let anyone around my baby because I just knew she was going to catch some terrible disease.
- I was scared to let my parents drive her anywhere and would envision (very graphically) her dying in a car wreck and I would constantly “see” her funeral. Our furnace went out when my daughter was about 7 months old. I had to leave work because I was just convinced I was going to go home and find my daughter, husband, and dog dead from carbon monoxide poisoning. It was a very scary, dark time during what was supposed to be one of the “happiest times of my life.”
- I’m seven years past it but the very first thought I had happened in the hospital a day after my son was born. Someone had brought a onsie in for him and my first scary thought was that it would be the last thing he ever wore.
- I had thoughts of crashing the car into trees, or driving over a cliff. Sometimes I would have impulses to do it while I was driving and I was so scared I would act on them. I also worried about dropping her in the shower, or letting her drown in the bath.
- I would see my baby in a coffin every time I looked at him while he was sleeping. I would panic while bathing him thinking for some reason I’d push his head under and wouldn’t be able to stop myself. Started having self harm thoughts, pretty much thinking of ways I could hurt myself with any object. 2 years out and thankfully those thoughts are gone.
- I had awful intrusive thoughts of dropping my baby down the stairs. So much so that I would hold him a little tighter every time I got near any stairs because I was so afraid of it actually happening.
- I had intrusive thoughts of jumping out of the passenger side of the car while my husband was driving on the freeway.
- Boiling or microwaving were the most horrifying. I had them all – everything you could think of – but those two stand out.
- What if I drop my baby over the stair railing? What if my child falls to their death from my apartment balcony? What if I sexually abuse my child?
- What if Child Protective Service comes and steals my children because I am an unfit mom? Eventually it got so bad that I thought, what if I drive away and never come back?
- What if I walk into the street waiting for a car to hit me?
- What if I would become bedridden & unable to function anymore due to the heightened anxiety causing severe insomnia. The fear of being unable to care for my kids became horrifying.
- No one else could take care of the baby, if anyone tried, they were going to hurt him, everyone became the danger.
- I couldn’t leave him, he nursed exclusively, never a bottle, feared taking him outside, because “they” were going to get him.
- Constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure no one was trying to take my baby and at the same time, I didn’t want him either, I felt detached and so far removed from him.
- I live in a car-centric [city]. We are constantly getting in and out of the car, and a majority of the year is warm weather. I was convinced for a long time that I would get hit by a car and killed while going into the street to get into the driver’s side of my car, and no one would get my baby out of the car and she would die in there in the heat.
- Knives are still triggers for me. I am HYPER-vigilant when using knives. It’s ridiculous, but it’s what I need to do for my own sanity.
- Our furnace went out when my daughter was about 7 months old. I had to leave work because I was just convinced I was going to go home and find my daughter, husband, and dog dead from carbon monoxide poisoning. It was a very scary, dark time during what was supposed to be one of the “happiest times of my life.”
- What if my husband is a pedophile and he sexually abuses her (multiple images of him doing so ensued)
- Since it’s public I am unwilling to put my vulnerability out there because I’m still kind of in the thick of it.
My scary thought is that I will forget my baby in the car and she will overheat and die. She is ten months old and I still have images and thoughts about this every day, every time I drive. I check to see if she is in her car seat back there no matter what time of day and often more than once per drive. I have completely untreated adult ADHD. I forget at least one thing per day between pump parts, breastmilk, daycare items, and food, and I live in fear that I will somehow forget her.
- I have horrible, vivid intrusive thoughts of finding her dead in the car at the end of the workday, almost every day when I am heading to the car at the end of the day to go pick her up.
- I had severe anxiety that the formula I was feeding him was poison. Like actual poison. And would spend hours on the internet to try and find evidence to support my constant, intrusive thoughts and anxiety that I was poisoning my baby and it was all my fault for being a failure. After getting help in many different ways and joining a breastfeeding support group after my second child was born, I went onto nurse her for two years but regardless of how I fed her I was able to look back and see how ppd really distorted everything with my first child. They were both fed with love and affection as infants but the depression and anxiety was distorting things and obviously making things way more difficult than they needed to be. My babies have both grown into beautiful teenagers today and I’m not only proud of them but proud of myself for reaching out and getting the help I so desperately needed.
- I couldn’t look at a knife without imagining stabbing myself with it.
- I had, (I can hardly type this), thoughts of throwing my baby off a cliff.
- Lots of intrusive thoughts while driving of driving off the road or into oncoming traffic. God, it was horrible.
- I was so scared the first few months that my son wouldn’t be able to breathe while in his infant seat and that I wouldn’t be able to pull over fast enough to help him. I got nervous hours before I had to take him anywhere.
- Pretty much lot of what others have said but I had the hardest time with germs…nothing was sanitary and I literally would not sit my daughter down. I held her for months. Other big one was that someone was always watching me or someone was in the house.
- My worst fear was SIDs. I didn’t realize I had PPOCD until my daughter was six months old. I would obsessively check on her every time she slept. It was like a ritual. I would check on her every 10 minutes after I put her to bed at night. When I was finally ready for bed I would have to check on her at least another 10-15 times before I could even relax and think about sleeping. Then I would wake up in a full blown panic attack after sleep 3 or 4 hours thinking she was in danger. I would run to her room and check to make sure she was breathing. Then it would start all over again. I still worry to this day about her and will check on her before I go to bed. But the obsession and panic to continually keep checking has greatly decreased.
- Tripping and falling down stairs with my baby, or accidentally dropping her from some other height. I still worry about this 14 months later.
- With my first baby, it was a depression, our marriage was having a hard time at the exact same time. Nursing was ridiculously hard for a good month. The first year ppd was just kind of survival mode. With my second baby, it was an anxiety. Our family was much more together, but my thoughts were not. I remember thinking the wood grains on our coffee table were making me almost nervous. We’ve since lost two, and definitely feeling the ppd just the same. However, my focus in my faith has got me through. Knowing each is just a season makes the rest of life worth it.
- I was paralyzed by the fear that I would now forever have someone else to worry about, literally have anxiety about, for the rest of my life. Without a break.
- When my son used to cry, I would think about what would happen if I shook him. I would go through the hospital visit, possible injuries, and the CPS investigation all in my head.
- We flew to Hawaii when my daughter was five months old and for weeks leading up to it I was sure the plane would crash into the ocean and I could literally picture my daughter drowning while I watched helplessly. She’s now over a year old and one of the most intrusive on-going thoughts is the idea of something happening to me. I know she’s at the age where she wouldn’t remember me and that thought makes me feel physically ill. I think about how long she would “look” for me when she needs her mommy before she would forget me and find comfort from someone else. It just makes me want to sob a million tears and I’ve thought about it since the day she was born.
- I think most of us have those thoughts of “omg I’m going to die and my baby will never know me.” It’s so, so scary.
- I would make my boss come home with me on nights my husband would work late because I was scared to give her a bath alone because of the same exact thoughts.
- What if I push her stroller into traffic? I had such a death grip on that stroller after that one.
- What if I throw her off the balcony?
- What if stab her with a knife?
- What if I go crazy and kill her and not what I did?
- Bridges, windows, washing machines…you name it. Horrible. He will be 13 soon and still gives me the chills when I think about it.
- Knives are for me still too. My mother in law will come over to cook and while she’s cooking she always sets the knives on the kitchen window sill it gives me so much anxiety ..even this many years later.
- OMG. It’s so good to hear someone else say this. I have gotten past it now, but for years after PTSD from my first postpartum issues, I had a hard time with knives.
- I forgot to add the horror that I was afraid of cooking him instead of the chicken and feeding to his dad in sandwiches. My mind was a hell. I had pelvic dysfunction and an emergency section and we couldn’t breastfeed so I pumped. I’d say any of those things alone could have contributed.
- My most horrible thought during my bout with PPD was that my baby and husband would be better off without me. I had visions of jumping in front of a truck. I really didn’t think they needed me. I also had thoughts of ending my marriage. 11 years and 3 children later we are a happy family.
- Every time I walked through the kitchen, I would imagine myself hurting her. Putting her in the microwave, the oven, or stabbing her with knives. I never actually wanted to do these things, but the thoughts were relentless and terrifying. I couldn’t make them stop.
- My daughter was going to die in a car crash, positional asphyxiation, SIDS, basically any horrible thing you read about online, I thought it was going to happen.
- I worry I’m not sane enough to be a good mother.
- I very clearly remember thinking that my baby would be better off with anyone else as his mother. I thought about leaving him at the hospital or on someone’s doorstep like you read about in the fairy tales. I even thought about up and leaving in the middle of the night, that he’d be better off with just his dad.
- I could do just drive this car into traffic with all my kids and end this pain for all of us.
- My scary thought is that my baby doesn’t love me and know I’m his mum and that I might as well be dead if this is the case.
- I had visions of pushing or throwing my three sons (then 5, 3, and 6 weeks old) down the stairs.
- Image of babies flying across the room like a football.
- My thoughts were throwing the newborn off a pedestrian bridge into highway traffic. They were smashing the baby’s head on that table…6 years later I still have intrusive thoughts.
- I had repeated flashes that my daughters mouth was a wooden nutcracker dolls mouth and that she was squishing/cracking my nipple while breastfeeding. However, I was experiencing NO physical discomfort while breastfeeding. In my imagination it was like a Chucky doll that looked like a nutcracker but with my daughter’s eyes. I also imagined her mouth like a lamprey eel’s mouth. I continued breastfeeding for several weeks while having these intrusive thoughts. It wasn’t until I hadn’t slept in 3 days and could not stop crying that I scheduled a doctors appointment to get some help.
- These are a bit more simple and trivial than the others but were so distressing at the time. I could not make dinner. Completely unable to focus to put ham on a plate, boil some potato and microwave some corn. I didn’t know where to start. The distress that caused me was huge. I was unable to put my daughter to sleep. Not in the she wouldn’t sleep kind of way, she would sleep, but I could not go through the process of dinner, bath, book and bed by myself. I had no idea what to do, how to persuade her to get into the bath. So upsetting. Tight chest. Couldn’t breathe. Pounding heart.
- My thoughts were throwing the newborn off a pedestrian bridge into highway traffic. They were smashing the baby’s head on that table.
- I am afraid I don’t like my kids. I am afraid that they don’t like me. I am afraid that I am not good enough.
- I would vividly, in great detail, imagine my own child in child abuse scenarios from the news. I would imagine my child’s face, screams, and suffering and feel like there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
- Someone (myself or my older children) falling and crushing my son’s head. If you haven’t had intrusive thoughts they can be very vivid. Even writing this now I can feel my anxiety rising and he is sleeping peacefully in my arms. Around 4 months postpartum I sought help from my midwife unlike with my previous 2 children when I just dealt with it because I wasn’t aware postpartum anxiety was a thing.
- I imagined myself just running away from it all. No note, no call, no nothing. Just one day, *poof*, where is Mommy?
- I’ve had thoughts of just covering her face until she stopped crying. Of throwing her in her crib. Of leaving her somewhere. Of just getting rid of her. It makes me feel like the worst mom in the world.
- I had disturbing images flash through my mind of me dropping the baby and her head smacking the floor. During sleep deprived rage filled moments, I would imagine myself smacking my baby against the wall or shaking her. These thoughts filled me with such shame even though they were passing thoughts and I would never really harm my children. I’m also a therapist who has worked with parents for years so I had higher expectations for myself in terms of being able to regulate my feelings and be more in control. It led to having worse shame and feelings of inadequacy. I saw what was happening and recognized I needed to talk to a professional about what I was feeling. It helped alot.
- That someone will put poison or something in my baby’s formula…..I put it in the cabinet to hide it…..I know this is not going to happen, but the thought still comes in my head.
- I’m obsessed with something being wrong with my baby. He has a congenital/physiologic issue that the doctor told me it’s fine but then wants to keep following. Why are we following something that’s allegedly fine? Does that mean he’s not ok? What if he’s sick? My ob, pcp, and ped all told me to “don’t worry.” I obsess about this 100x a day. I often can’t sleep and have true panic attacks near daily, often vomiting and crying. It’s exhausting. I can’t stop thinking about it. This is hell.
- I’d throw the baby down the stairs.That there were evil things in the house.
- I went on a drinking binge to cope with postpartum anxiety.
- It once flashed through my mind the thought of putting my newborn in the trash can, during an utterly exhausted middle of the night breast feed wake up call while trying to recover from surgery. I felt so much guilt & fear & shame that I’ve never shared this with anyone.
- I envisioned my newborn falling out our bedroom window, down the stairs, out of the crib. Falling was an unhealthy obsessive fear. And break ins. Lord have mercy.
- The tempting thought to drive into the river was the worst night of my life. Absolute worst. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Don’t believe all the death lies. Don’t act on them. Reach out bravely (so much bravery) for help. Hope will eventually come.
- What if we both just “fell” down the stairs?
- If my husband goes to work, something really bad is going to happen.
- If I don’t wash these bottles well enough, she’s going to get really really ill.
- If I sleep, she’s going to die and I won’t realise.
- We have to watch her all the time, in case she stops breathing.
- Nobody else can hold her, because she’s mine and I should know how to look after her best.
- I couldn’t pick up a scissors that was in the bathroom for fear of what I might do to my little girl. It made me feel like a monster for even thinking it and the only one ive ever told this to is my husband. It’s still not easy to admit to a year later.
- I was so sleep deprived and alone with my twins screaming. I envisioned putting my hand over my sons mouth until he stopped breathing… I checked myself into the hospital the next day.
- When my son was a newborn (3 years ago) I envisioned myself strangling him. It broke me. My husband caught on to my depression signs, and I told him what kept running through my head. With his and my mom’s help and encouragement I got help from a psychologist. I’m much better now thanks to them!
- That I would cut my baby’s limbs off with a knife. So so horrible.
- When we had just come home from the hospital and the scary thoughts were at their worst, I was convinced that having our daughter was a huge mistake! I actually googled things like, “I just had a baby and I don’t want it anymore.” I thought about things like giving her up for adoption or leaving her at a fire station, even though my husband would obviously never agree to it. I felt so ashamed of these thoughts. What helped the most was finding out that other women have had similar thoughts.
- If my husband puts our 3 month old to bed, I have to check on him later on to see if his arms were put above the blanket and to make sure he’s still breathing. I also don’t dare to close the window in his nursery because it reduces airflow and may cause SIDS. I’m so scared of going into my boys room, looking at him in his bassinet only to find him cold and lifeless.
- I would scream when my son cried. I felt like I was the worst person in the world for him. I thought everything I did was going to kill him. I still get moments where I think he’s better off without me. I just want to run away. But I stay. Fighting these thoughts. I don’t have a strong bond with my son either. Everyone I know shares stories of the undying love and connection they feel and I never had that. It kills me inside.
- There is a baby fighting for his life in my town right now from being shaken by a babysitter. I go back to work tomorrow. The guilt I feel for leaving my child is overwhelming and I can’t stop crying.
- There are so many thoughts and it doesn’t just happen in new motherhood. I constantly think of my children, my husband or myself getting hurt. To the point it is crippling and I don’t want to leave the house. Car crashes, disgruntled emplyees shooting up the store I’m in, my children falling off the balcony or being crushed, being kidnapped putting groceries in my car.
- I hope my admissions do help someone. I’ve never shared any of this with anyone and years later still feel tremendous guilt for them, but this is part of my healing process because I know they had a cause. I had an emergency delivery 5 weeks early because of preeclampsia and my anxiety over it forced an induction which turned into an emergency cesarean. I couldn’t bear the fact that I in some way caused my baby’s early birth because I simply could not calm down. Feeling unprepared to be a mom 5 weeks early, I was now a mom of a preemie who was subject now health issues as a result of that. He had jaundice, macrocephaly, and digestive issues all potentially caused by being premature. My blood pressure caused me to be on pills I wasn’t comfortable breastfeeding with. So we did formula and he turned out to be dairy sensitive. At every turn I was a failure. I couldn’t control my emotions. He watched me cry on a continual basis. I couldn’t bear that I was such a bad mom. Everything I did from how he started this life too early, to what I fed him, to how his first sights were of an unstable mom filled me with unspeakable regret. My scariest thoughts were that I didn’t love him enough, that in my emotional instability I couldn’t properly be responsible enough to keep him alive, that I regretted having him, that I wanted to just leave because my family would be better off without me, that I couldn’t protect him from all the bad things, and mostly from me because my very existence as a “bad mom” was already ruining him and setting him up for a life of failure and hurt. Those thoughts are still painful but thankfully I can see them clearly as intrusive thoughts now. I hope this helps and else just like me.
- Most of what I felt guilt over were because of things I’ve heard from well meaning people/experts and that’s the story I want to make sure is told. We live in a culture that mom shames deeply and that does not help postpartum. We need to be aware of how even scientific facts effect someone suffering from ppd. Unexpectedly I had an emergency birth many weeks early. All I kept thinking about was the poster in the hospital bathroom I read many times that brain development continues at 39 weeks. The poster reads about all the complications that having a baby early can cause, inductions can cause, and cesareans can cause. It’s intended to discourage scheduling births, but for someone with an emergency – all that data still applies and wreaked havoc on my mind that I was ruining my child by the necessary procedure I had to have. Then there was breastfeeding. Something else having a premature baby made it difficult to do. The shame that is constant for not giving baby your best can send moms over the edge whether or not that is the intention. It’s a reality. There is so much pressure and when every little thing and every big decision is made to fall squarely on you, that can be unbearable. My scary thought was my own self condemnation but also talking to other moms that would amplify my own feelings of inadequacy. I didn’t want to hear about their helpful husbands, sleeping breastfed babies, clean houses, crunchy organic meals, fitness routines, and supermom statuses. And that was from both modern moms and old fashioned 1950s housewives alike. It made me want to cease to exist even more.
- Three days after my baby was born I Googled how to give your baby up for adoption.
- I always wonder that a witch or someone with special powers will come over to me and make me choose between keeping my baby or just go back in time to when I wasn’t a mom and erase her from my memory. I would always choose my pre mom life.
- I once put a blanket on her face when she was 1 week old but removed it after some seconds and started crying feeling the most horrible mom in the world.
- I regretted having my son until going back to work when he was almost 4 months old.
- I used to stay late at work so I didn’t have to go home and take care of my LO. When my SO asked me about it, I realized it was time to get help.
- After my 2nd son was born I became preoccupied with the logistics of a hypothetical car crash while I was driving with him. I would look at cars around me and think “if that car hit me, how bad would it be? Would I die? Would the baby be ok? If I did die, what would happen?”
- During one particularly rough, sleep-deprived day, I was nursing my fussy baby and had a fleeting thought of throwing her off of me and onto the bed. No less than five seconds passed after I had that thought and I realized I was suffering from PPD/PPA. It was the thought that finally made me realize something was not normal, and I admitted that to myself, and got help.
- I was terrified I would shake my baby until he stopped crying. I never felt compelled to do this but couldn’t remove the thoughts around what would happen if I did. I was then convinced that if I shared this with anyone they would take my baby away from me.
- My children are now teenagers and thank goodness they have always been happy and healthy. Becoming a mother was so exciting, but emotionally a complete shock to the system. Everything had been goin well with the first one, but when I had my second baby, I started to get intrusive thoughts. I told no one up until now. I’m so grateful to get this out in the open. Two images would pop in my head from time to time, for no apparent reason. The first would be me swinging my baby by it’s arm, around my head, over and over. The second, was me driving us all off a cliff, which ended up with me never driving a particularly scary route ever again. Eventually these thoughts faded and stopped popping up. But I still have the memory of this experience which haunts me to this day.
- I was out walking with the baby. I called my husband at work and said I was going to leave the baby in his stroller on the street corner and my husband should come pick him up because I was going to run away. I was convinced I was a terrible mother and that my husband and son would be much better off without me. My husband called my midwife that day and asked for help. As it turns out, I’m a freaking great mom. I just had severe PPD and needed medication and therapy.
- Being a mother is exhausting and overwhelming. Sometimes I wish I never even had my baby and now I’m pregnant with my 2nd child. I love both my children to death, but I am mentally and physically exhausted. The constant crying and tugging of my one year old, I get hardly no sleep, I don’t even feel like the same person that I used to be, I’m mean, I’m emotional, and the littlest thing’s can set me over the edge, I’ve thought about putting my hand over my child’s mouth when he screams or crys and just holding it there until he stops. I feel like such a worthless and terrible mother. I need help and I am so afraid to speak out and get real help because I am scared I’m going to be judged and they will take my babies away from the thoughts that I am having.
- Every night when baby was 2-3 week’s old I just wanted to sleep but could only think of giving her up for adoption, spanking her for crying and nursing so much or throwing her to the floor. I’m better now.
- When my baby was born I kept wondering why my husband and I chose to have a baby. “We were so happy” I kept telling myself. I would look at my baby and think “if she wasn’t here anymore I would be ok”. I felt so terrible after those thoughts. She was only a couple of days old and I didn’t feel that amazing “love” you’re supposed to with kids. Breastfeeding was terrible and I would look at my husband when he slept and felt so angry. One day I looked at my angel and knew she was my everything.
- With my first, I’d be doing laundry and imagine what would happen if I put the baby in the washer with the clothes. It scared me that I’d have such a screwed up thought, so I immediately went and held and loved on baby, cooked a nice dinner and cleaned up the house to feel like a perfect mommy again.
- The night my baby was born I thought my husband was going to take my baby from me as I couldn’t be a mother. I also had a dream that my husband came into our room crying because the baby’s neck was snapped.
- I had thoughts popping into my head continuously about taking my life. That my son and everyone else would be better off if I was dead. I thought I was unnecessary since I wasn’t breastfeeding. I thought my sister should be my sons mother and others who loved me would take care of him. I had intrusive thoughts continuously about regretting having the baby. You are not alone!
- The night I had my baby I thought my husband was going to judge me as an unfit mother and take my baby away. I also had an image of my husband coming im the room and the baby’s neck had snapped.
- I had a replay of thoughts about killing myself. That I was not a good enough mother and was not necessary to him since I wasn’t breastfeeding. I thought my sister would do a better job and my family would step in. He was loved enough and would be better off without me.
- I have had thoughts of regret on having my baby over and over. You are not alone!
- I kept “seeing” my baby’s head being smashed on our fireplace. What frightened me was that I would see it ever time I got frustrated or overwhelmed with my kids. At first I was able to push these thoughts away but they became more frequent and awful. I began to be terrified that one day I would snap and really do it. I finally told my doctor and got some medication.
- I fear my baby will die of SIDS. I elaborated imagine finding her not breathing and imagine how the funeral will be and how I would tell people.
- That I would throw my baby down the stairs. The vision is so vivid in detail it has caused PTSD. CBT therapy & medication has saved my life.
- After my baby was born and I went back to work on night shift, I called my husband every hour to wake up and make sure the baby was breathing. I would literally count the minutes until I thought it was ok to call again and check.
- I worry so much that I won’t be able to feed my baby. Every time she cries I worry she’s hungry, that I’m not producing enough milk, that she will have to go on formula, that my husband will be disappointed and upset that she had to go on formula, that the formula will make her stomach feel completely miserable. I worry she won’t gain weight appropriately. She was crying just now after I fed her and I worried that she wasn’t full, I almost threw up worrying.
- When I got overwhelmed and super stressed out from the crying, I had visions of throwing my baby at the wall. Or veering out into traffic if I was driving.
- Not even six weeks after having my first baby, my sweet girl she would cry a lot. Turns out she had reflux and possible Colic. But I would always have the hugest fear of shaking her out of stress. And or dropping her going down the stairs and watching her delicate little head splatter.
Made me obsessive to always travel outside with her buckled in her car seat.
- I constantly worry about her being out of my sight, or if she’s breathing. I need to go back to work soon for a few hours a day and leave her with her dad during that time but I’m scared of leaving her even with him because I worry too much and he takes naps and I don’t want him napping because I feel like even though she may be napping too he isn’t aware. Plus he doesn’t take all of the obsessive safety precautions that I take because he thinks “it’s fine, that won’t happen”. He doesn’t understand that there’s always a possibility and I can’t take any risks because she came out of me and it was hard as hell to make her , I need her and I can’t risk anything ever happening to her.
- My husband will drop the baby down the stairs… And I would literally listen for them to get out the door safely.
- I worry on a nighly basis that my baby will die in his crib, even writing this causes a bit of anxiety thinking that somehow putting this “taboo” topic out there will increase the odds.
- I worry that I’m going to make one small mistake that is going to negatively affect his entire life; like what if that one time we sat by loud music at an amusement park changed the wiring of his brain and he ends up with a developmental delay.
- This morning I pictured shaking my baby or throwing her binkie at her because she just wouldn’t sleep. I would never do these things, but the stress and sleep deprivation is overwhelming.
- Sometimes I want to sign my parental rights away to my husband and just drive away and hide. I feel like they would be better off if I wasn’t even in the picture anymore.
- I’m afraid my son is bonding more with my sister than with me. Simply because she keeps taking him from me and I just let it happen. But if I tell her anything I turn into the bad guy who isn’t accepting her help.
- After loosing my second child in my 27th week of pregnancy, I started having intrusive thoughts at night about harming my 4 year old. I felt like the worst mother in the world and I must be the only woman who thought this way about their child who they loved unconditionally. I told my partner and I seeked out help. Its been almost a year since we lost our son and each day is different, some are easier then others but I know I’ll get there, one day at a time, If my story helps just one mom find the courage to speak out, to know she’s not alone and that she’s not a bad mom or going crazy than I will keep sharing my story.
- That song “when the wind blows the cradle with fall, down will come baby cradle and all”… I was singing it to baby one day and had this intrusive thought that I wished she really would fall out of a tree or something and all this stress would be over. I could have my life back, I could sleep, etc. As a nurse and a human, this was so scary to me and further pushed me into myself and my depression that I was deranged and a worthless mother.
- I constantly worry about her being out of my sight, or if she’s breathing. I need to go back to work soon for a few hours a day and leave her with her dad during that time but I’m scared of leaving her even with him because I worry too much and he takes naps and I don’t want him napping because I feel like even though she may be napping too he isn’t aware. Plus he doesn’t take all of the obsessive safety precautions that I take because he thinks “it’s fine, that won’t happen”. He doesn’t understand that there’s always a possibility and I can’t take any risks because she came out of me and it was hard as hell to make her , I need her and I can’t risk anything ever happening to her.
- I fear that I will never get sleep or a break until my funeral. I fear my daughter will “turn on me.” I fear I’m the only one who can make her happy. I have thought about divorcing my husband and moving in with my dad because he is such a better help with the baby. I fear I will feel bad forever.
- I have been so afraid my baby will stop breathing and die. I shake her awake even when I can see her breathing when she sleeps. I have almost crashed my car reaching back to shake the baby when she falls asleep in her car seat. I think she will suffocate herself. I have a panic attack at night when the baby is sleeping upstairs. I have to run upstairs to check on her, even when I see her breathing on the monitor. I never let her have tummy time. Her head is flat and she needs a helmet at 6 months, and I don’t care. A friend had their baby die at daycare at 3 months because he was put down for nap on his tummy. I am so scared for my baby. I have so many intrusive thoughts. I just want to keep her safe.
- I love my daughter very much but some times I wish I could go out like before. I feel like I can’t do anything anymore or even go out.
- My scary thoughts are getting into a car accident with the baby and the baby dying in his sleep due to SIDS. It is anxiety provoking to type these worries, but I feel that sharing them will help take their power away. My husband says we do what we can to mitigate risks but we can’t let the anxiety run our lives. I know he’s right.
- Constantly thinking I’m a bad mother for needing breaks, and letting others feed, change and comfort her. Always thinking my baby will choke on her spit up and stop breathing while I’m driving or that I didn’t buckle her right and we’ll get into a car accident. Always wondering if I’ll drop her down the stairs, thinking I’ll trip and fall on the cement, thinking she’ll suffocate if she has a blanket on. The list doesn’t stop, and it’s exhausting.
- As I walked with my sleeping baby to the bedroom to lay down for a nap, I would imagine throwing him across the room. He would hit the wall and crash to the floor and lay there in a slump. I had this image in my head over and over again. I got checked for PPD and my therapist said it was just a phase.
- I struggled with blaming my baby for my c-section scar, stretch marks and “fluffy body.”
- After my 4th child came, I thought how much easier it would be to walk upstairs and pick up the gun that was in my husbands drawer than to make it through the day caring for 4 under 6. I knew I needed help. Help was hard to find when not that many people understood what I did all day and night. I knew I needed help. I now have 6 and am doing well. I still seek help and am constantly finding a balance and working towards a healthy mind and body️
- I yelled at my kids one day and then told a friend I had “lost it” with them. She asked if anyone was hurt, which surprised me because I don’t use corporal punishment. After that, I pictured myself hitting them with a hammer and them being badly hurt and unconscious. These thoughts became intrusive for a while and were scary because I would never hurt them.
- I feel completely inadequate as a mother when baby doesn’t feed properly, doesn’t sleep and basically needs holding 24/7. I feel like I’m a single mum, but I’m married! I feel like I’m going utterly batshit crazy and sometimes I think I never should have had this baby or give her up for adoption…
- I find myself daydreaming about getting so horribly hurt or sick that I would end up in the hospital… so that I could get some sleep & have time away from my daughter without feeling guilty.
- I was desperate to breastfeed because I thought it was the only reason my husband and daughter needed me around. He adored her from the second he saw her and I just did not feel that overwhelming, warm, glowy love that everyone told me I would experience. It just wasn’t there for me, but it was there for him. They bonded immediately. He was an active and involved parent which, while wonderful, made me feel useless. Like I couldn’t handle mothering my own child, so her father had to step in. He was so calm with her all the time, and I got so anxious and frazzled…clearly he was the better parent. Clearly he was the one suited for this. They didn’t need me. I could disappear, run away, or die and they would be just fine. The ONLY thing that kept me around was breastfeeding, because I was also convinced that formula would ruin my daughter. She’s a year old now, and I still feel like he’s a better parent, and she’s bonded more with him than with me. It’s a terrible feeling, and makes me struggle to find my worth and value in our family regularly.
- I thought/daydreamed about how well rested and free I was before baby was born. How happy my husband and I were- not that we’re not over the moon in love- but sleep deprivation and taking care of a baby changes everything…
- I was hospitalized for PPD and acute anxiety in 2015. It started with feeling like I wasn’t a good mom, that I was going to fail my son, then I was obsessing over making a mistake – falling down the stairs with him, dropping the carseat while carrying it up the stairs. I NEVER knew this was so common. No one, not my ob/gyn, not the nurses at the hospital, NO ONE gave me any education on this. Had I known what I was going through I would have gotten help sooner. I talked to my husband and mom and they kept saying “nonsense, you’re a good mom.” I finally got help when I imagined myself drowning my son. I couldn’t give him a bath because I was afraid I would drown him. After hospitalization, therapy, medication, and education, I have learned what I need to do to take care of myself.
- My baby is 8 months old and I still have intrusive thoughts of dropping him on the floor and seeing his little skull crack open with blood everywhere. Another one is me falling down the stairs while carrying him and landing on top of him, crushing him to death. I constantly worry I will scald his mouth and throat with his food even though I serve it to him at room temperature. I picture myself accidentally breaking his little neck while changing him. I have been on meds since before he was born since I have ptsd and both my doctor and I were concerned with me getting ppd. I can’t imagine how is be without the meds.
- I was sure that there was a man watching our house waiting for the time to break in and take my daughter. When I was up in the middle of the night with her I would avoid turning on too many lights because I didn’t want him to see us. I would go through the steps of getting my husbands gun out to protect us when this man broke in. I knew it wasn’t normal but I knew it was going to happen, just not sure when.
- My 22 month baby is a late walker. He walked at 21 month old. but he is a happy, affectionate, bright baby. he can say a lot of words and ask for things. But I’m constantly scared that he is going to fall behind other milestones and develop severe autism.
- Sleep deprived and angry because all i wanted was my baby to sleep i imagined myself hurting him, whether it be throwing him on the ground or punching him in face because i was so mad he wanted to be held/nursed.
- When my daughter was a newborn, her cries overwhelmed me so much after trying so hard to get her to stop, I wanted to slap her or shake her. I yelled at her once, set her down, and cried in my bedroom. I was so tired from getting almost no sleep, angry because she didn’t stop crying, sad that I was acting like someone I knew I wasnt, but happy I had my gorgeous baby ..I was so confused. Who do I talk to without being judged?! I know I’m not a horrible mother, I just need help calming my baby down…. fast forward to 6 months. I’ve learned to breathe and put her down. They’re ok if they cry. Control yourself first, babies pick up if your tense.
- One thought I had in the first few months, “Throw the baby out the window.” I’m thankful I sought out therapy…
- I walked out on my balcony when the baby was crying non stop, I thought to myself, I will just drop him off the second floor balcony, then I’ll be able to get some rest. I got help for my postpartum depression soon after.
- I was terrified we would be in a bank during an armed robbery. I would shield her with my body while begging for our lives to be spared. It still makes me cry after 5 years. Not because the thought still bothers me, but because I remember how terrible it made me feel. We had/have virtually no need to ever go inside a bank. It goes to show how truly irrational these types of thoughts can be.
- My heart doesn’t want to drown my children but my mind sometimes thinks it does.
- I could just drive into this light pole and it would all be over… or I’d at least be hospitalized. Everyone would know how bad it’s gotten and I’d finally get some rest.
- The sudden feeling that the person driving next to you is going to randomly shoot you through the window. Every. Time. You. Drive.
- How long would it take them to track me down if I just got in the car and kept on driving? How far could I get? Could I really disappear?
- Step by step vivid images of exactly how and in what order I would drown my children. I couldn’t even walk past the bathroom without seeing it all play out in my mind. I hated those thoughts and myself. Now I am better and I know better.
- I thought that I would lose control and suddenly drop the baby on purpose or stab the baby. I spent all day every day worrying about this and feeling like an awful mother who didn’t deserve the beautiful baby I had. I told my husband and my doctor and they were very supportive. I increased my meds and read a book about intrusive thoughts and got better fairly quickly.
- My baby would get a disease or swallow so much hair from being around my sister in laws live in dog that she’d die or get seriously ill.
- I imagined putting my baby in the dryer and turning it on. It scared me to think of how easy it would be to do something so harmful. I felt like I could never tell anyone, because they would take my baby away from me.
- I’m afraid I have made and am still making all the wrong decisions for my son, like letting him cry it out more than rocking him. He’s not a cuddler, and I take it personally. I’m afraid he won’t love me, like me, or want me to be a part of his life as he grows up.
- I imagine slamming my baby on the bed to get him to stop crying… it scares the hell out of me.
- I dont know if this counts – but i smell like milk all the time & its driving me crazy.
- I can’t sleep too far away from my daughter incase a fire starts in the house or someone breaks and I can’t get to her. I am also scared she will get cancer, stop breathing during the night, or something will happen to me and I won’t be there to protect her anymore.
- I would never hurt my son, I absolutely love him so much but every time he cries and screams I think about covering his mouth, screaming at him to shut up, or throwing him in the crib. PPD is terrifying.
- I spent the first two months after my daughter was born subconsciously trying to destroy my marriage to a wonderful kind loving man and amazing supportive hardworking father so I can move back in with my parents and help me take care of our baby girl.
- I thought a car or a lorry would mount the pavement and kill me & my children. I’m way past baby years now but I still feel anxious about car accidents and losing my children.
- I have impulses that I should just run away and never come back. Also scared to bathe him or take him out in public, which I’m slowly getting better about.
- Multiple times a day (every time I change his diaper) I worry someone (day care, my mom, my amazing husband) might be molesting my son or taking child pornography photos of him.
- I think about cashing my car into the freeway divider because I just want an excuse to not have to do it all anymore.
- I love my baby so much but sometimes I feel like this is a nightmare, and I’m gonna wake up and my life is gonna go back to normal.
- I get so nervous when my baby is about to wake up. I wish she can sleep looong periods of time.
- I dream of being kidnapped and killed just so my kids could grow up with a normal mom and it wouldn’t be my fault for leaving.
- I secretly wanted to leave my baby at a fire station and drive to California.
- I felt like my husband was a better parent and I should just leave my family because they’d be better off without me.
- Before I got meds I used to look at my arm and visualize someone cutting it open and pulling on all of the nerves and tendons in it. It was so intense that I could feel it some days. To this day, on a particular rough day I still see that image for a second before I force myself to see past it. This is the first time I have ever admitted that to anyone and its been about 4 years.
- I would have nightmares about smothering my baby in his sleep while co-sleeping. Except we never once co-slept. I would jump out of bed at all hours of the night and turn on lights, throw off blankets, wake my husband, and search for my son only to discover after several minutes that he was sleeping soundly in his crib in his room across the hall.
- My first intrusive vivid thought was when my baby was less than two weeks old. My husband was holding her while standing next to a wood stove with a large lid on top to add wood. I kept thinking he was going to open it and toss her in. I knew it was irrational,and he would never do anything like that, but it scared me to the bone. It took me days to shake the feeling.
- I was absolutely miserable for the first 2.5 or so years of my eldest child’s life. As a baby, she nursed almost around the clock, and would only stop when I pulled her off to go to the bathroom or get something to eat. I wouldn’t listen to any of the lactation consultants when they told me that nursing 55 out of every 60 minutes all day and all night wasn’t necessary. I couldn’t believe they were right. My baby always seemed hungry and cried when I stopped! Because I was so tired, I couldn’t even sleep on a bed or a couch, because one of us would fall off. Until she went to daycare, I spent my entire day and night on the living room rug, so that she and I could drift in and out of consciousness all day and all night long. But I was in so much pain from the nursing (she nursed until my nipples bled), so hungry from lack of time to eat and so dazed from lack of proper sleep that I would hallucinate. I’d wake up with a start and could swear she was missing or had fallen off the bed (even though we were safely on the rug). I’d look at the clock and couldn’t read it – I’d get the numbers all mixed up. She became a toddler younger than average and had several terrible tantrums EVERY day. No one close to me could relate at all. Strangers would approach me and tell me I needed to “get her under control”. I felt so alone through those years because none of the other parents I knew seemed to be experiencing the same thing. Sometimes I wondered if she was normal or if I was doing everything wrong. She’s much older now and looking back, I think that her tremendous need to be with me all the time as a baby and then the tantrums as a toddler were just part of her intense personality. Although she still experiences all her feelings with intensity, she’s a gentle girl, with a heart full of empathy, kindness, tolerance and generosity. ………….It was all worth it.
- I took my daughters to the playground as I often do, but ever since the Vegas shooting I keep picturing what I would do if a shooting happened at the park. I’ve looked for hiding places, wondered how I would carry both kids. I can’t even enjoy time with the kids there anymore.
- For the first ten months of my daughter’s life, I wouldn’t wear socks because I thought if I did, I would slip on the stairs and drop the baby down them.
- When I was carrying my baby I would have a vivid image of him smashing into a wall and being hurt, or of me throwing him to the ground. It took a long time but eventually these scary thoughts went away.
- Sometimes I imagine myself leaving because I think my husband should find someone who will make a better mother than me. I love my kids more than anything, but I feel so inadequate.
- on days where I feel like I am so overwhelmed with mother hood, work, and being a wife, I think that getting hit by a semi truck while driving by myself wouldn’t be so bad. I wouldn’t be able to fail my family anymore and i won’t let them down anymore.
- I used to obsessively imagine how easy it would be to go into my car in the garage, shut the garage door, roll my windows down and start my car and kill myself. I just KNEW my kids would be better off without a shitty mom like me, because I would never be good enough for them. I am so afraid of my kids growing up and realizing that I’m not all that great, and never wanting to talk to me or keep a relationship with me. It is currently my biggest fear. I obsess about what is best for my kids, and am still convinced that it’s not me because I am so unstable.
- I imagined dropping her down the staircase, letting her stroller go into traffic…I used to joke nightly to husband that I was winding up the baby catapult to fling her into someone else’s yard. It was the worst time of my life, and having a MIL and SIL talk about me behind my back and judging everything I did was the most painful thing I’ve ever endured. And believe me, that’s saying something.
- The first night my son could be away from the nursery in the hospital, I had the nurses put his bed in my room. In the middle of the night, my 6 week early, 4 pound infant started crying. As I sat in the dark room holding him, I imagine myself dropping him on the floor and wondered if anyone would know it wasn’t an accident. It only go worse from there. I was constantly worried he would stop breathing at night or simply not wake up. This all culminated with intrusive thoughts in which I would try to figure out how to kill myself, my baby, and my husband so none of us would have to live without the other. I needed help but I was afraid to talk to anyone for fear that they would take my child. I was very, very lucky that these feelings eased once my baby started sleeping longer. My husband, who was travelling extensively at the time, didn’t even know how bad things were until my older child was almost 13.
- I was terrified that I would smash my baby’s head into the corner of the wall when I was walking back into our bedroom in the dark after feeding him and it would break open and bleed all over.
- When my twins were barely 2 months old, I had a nightmare that I stabbed one of them. I awoke crying and was ashamed and scared of where my mind went while I was asleep. I knew I needed help and called my doctor the next day.
- I fear my toddler doesn’t love me anymore and that my husband wants to send our kids to his mom so he can divorce me. I fear everyone is playing a big pretend game but they’re really all planning to leave me behind.
- In the first few weeks after my daughter was born I worried that she’d slip from my arms and smash her head in the cement floor as I walked downstairs into our basement. I say “worried” but really the thought would fly into my head, terribly graphic and completely unbidden. This anxiety dissipated after awhile, but it was so strange. I never experienced anything like it before I had her.
- Shortly after I gave birth to my first baby I imagined a sharp knife going gently over my baby’s perfect skin. It was really scary and I thought there was something very wrong with me. Why would I have those thoughts?
- I get nervous when my baby is in my husbands care and he starts to cry i feel like he does something wrong and would rather just do everything hustle isntead or ask him for help.
- I had terrible images of throwing my baby intonhis cot or on the floor in a fit of rage when he wouldn’t stop crying. Despite loving him intensely and knowing I would never hurt him in a million years. I also, mostly at nighttime when he couldn’t sleep, thought that I was the worst mother as I couldn’t even get my baby to sleep. I thought my husband and baby would be better off without me. I got help early and now when something crops up I can deal with it rationally and it goes.
- I had a traumatic birth and so when I thought I might have accidentally gotten pregnant with a second child, I imagined aborting the baby to avoid giving birth again. This was a wake up call for me because I have always wanted two kids. I went to see someone.
- I am exhausted. No one understands how anxious and tired I am. I am out of shape, my house is a disaster, my baby doesn’t sleep on her own, my husband is impatient and I am the one getting less sleep!
- I am always picturing gruesome, violent outcomes to my baby whenever we’re in the car, the bed, wearing or walking her in the stroller while her crossing the street— sometimes those scenes still pop up in my head. The heart palpitations I get laying in bed after the madness of the day is over. I still get super anxious at her crying spells, and I end up feeeling like I’m a crappy mom for her constant crying. The constant pressure to maintain a “perfect” looking household, clean house, well-behaved kids, dropping all the baby weight, all on varied little-sleep. This is a Mama’s reality. I can only hope my children know that they are so loved, despite how inadequate I may feel about my parenting sometimes.
- Because of how scared I am of everything having to do with my child I should never have had a baby.
- I was terrified in the middle of the night that I would faint or trip with my baby while passing the stairs and she would fall down all of them and either die or be terribly injured. I was terrified that because I was the only one awake, everyone would blame me if something like that happened… and if I had already shared some of my scary thoughts, they would think I did it on purpose and take my baby away from me.
- That when I’m not with our son, my husband neglects him… Or the daycare workers do. Pretty much anyone who cares for our son who isn’t my mom or me. There is no merit behind any of these feelings, and the Zoloft has helped… But I still get anxious when I see my husband sitting next to our son while he’s playing and he checks his phone. I’m worried that moment of distraction, something catastrophic will happen.
- I can’t be a wife, mother and professional. If I am at work- I’m a bad mom and wife. If we go out to dinner without our son- I’m a bad mom. If I greet our son first when I come home or fall asleep on the couch at 8 pm from exhaustion- I’m a bad wife.
- I can’t have or do it all.Some day’s I don’t want to get up, some days I don’t want to be a care taker , somedays I want to be alone all day and stay in bed, but then I feel like a bad mother and I know I don’t deserve alone time, or a meal cooked by someone else.
- When ever my children has been in someone else’s care like day nursery I change their nappies straight the way when I pick them up to make sure they haven’t been sexually abused. I’m so scared when other people are in control of my children. I don’t trust anyone except their dad and then I have scary thoughts that maybe I shouldn’t trust him. Even though I know there’s no way that he would do anything like that, I’m scared that I don’t know him. You hear all the time that the mother never knew.
- I felt that no one wanted me or my baby around. I fantasized about taking him and running away where no one would find us or where we wouldn’t be a burden. He cried constantly, I tried to breast feed but couldn’t produce enough milk and he was not thriving. I switched to formula and the change was like night and day. He slept like he should have and didn’t scream because he was hungry. I was hit worse with my second child but a wonderful nurse saw I was struggling while I was still in the hospital. I had to stay longer because of a Csection. She got with my OB/GYN the next morning and I was on meds and offered counseling. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you need meds, take them. Don’t let people tell you it’s all in your head or you will get over it. I spent 2+ years the first time trying to “get over it.”
- I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I can’t do anything now. I think I’m a bad mother. People in my house aren’t very as supportive of my breastfeeding journey. Everyone thinks I’m feeding the baby because I want to keep the baby with my self. I can’t bear the negativity around me. I don’t like my living arrangement. I don’t want to be bullied.i feel like I’m in a prison. I want my previous life my back. Sometimes I feel I had this baby because I wanted to prove I’m fertile! I hate myself for feeling like this. I don’t look forward to my baby waking up in the morning. I hate myself because of this. I feel very overwhelmed with anxiety whenever she is awake. Is she eating enough? I don’t know how to get chores done with her around. If I don’t get chores done people think I’m lazy. My baby is 15 months. I’ve to constantly supervise her. Being a stay at home isn’t very rewarding. There is constant chores and the demands of a toddler are so unbearable sometimes.
I know my baby will grow up very soon and I’m going to be hate myself for not enjoying her childhood.
I’m just not the pleasant, engaged, happy mother I wanted to be. I’m irritable, tired all the time, distracted and I don’t talk to the baby as much as I should. I don’t feel fit to patent my child and meet her demands. Feel very alone and Isolated.
- Sometimes I can’t take the noise and the nagging i just want to lock them in their room with bread and water.
- I love breastfeeding but some days when she wakes up i just dont want her to touch me and i feel like im trapped and i want to run and scream.
- While pregnant, I struggled with urges to punch myself in the stomach or overdose on Plan B. When the baby started moving, I could only think “get it out get it out.” As she grew bigger, I felt she grew more important, and I shrank into nothingness. I worried I would cease to exist. When she was born, all I could think was that I’d made a horrible mistake thinking I could ever be a mother. I stopped sleeping entirely. I could never settle down. I worried about apocalyptic events, the water being poisoned, and I had intrusive thoughts like short “movies” playing out in my mind of hurting my baby. They were so vivid that I began to think they were inevitable – that I was going to hurt my baby. My mom finally took me to the ER, and I was admitted to the psychiatric unit for 5 days. That’s how long it took them to get me to sleep. Even from this darkest place, I found a way out — with help — a lot of help. I went from Googling “I regret becoming a mother” to feeling like being a mom has given my life meaning. I didn’t love her right away, but now I love my daughter more than I knew was possible.
- On more than one occasion I had to pull over and check that I’d actually put my baby in her car seat (When she was forward facing)
- In the first month of LO’s life, I was crying every other day. I was forced to give him donated breastmilk for 1 week in his 2nd week as the LC convinced us that it is better than the FM we were giving. We were so desperate that we just agreed to it even though we knew that the donated breastmilk was not properly screened and had no idea how long it has been kept. Until today, i am worried about the possibility of diseases being transmitted to LO thru those donated breastmilk and i hate that LC to the core.
- On top of that, I was constantly worried about how clean the bottles, jaundice & even his belly button… the next 5 months was not much better as LO was always crying and needed to be held 24/7… he would also cry till he turned purple black until we pick him up… there was once when i was so frustrated with no rest, no proper meals, no me time, that i rocked him so hard that i almost fell on my bum… i was immediately filled with guilt and quickly put him down n left the room although he was still crying and wailing… i took deep breaths and went back into the room and apologised to him and tried to calm him down… I’m also worried about my LO not wanting me and doubted all those stories about motherly bonds with children as LO cries even louder whenever i hold him… i felt like i was a complete failure that my own flesh ‘n blood didn’t want me…
- I just let her cry once. I was in bed staring at the wall just thinking, I don’t care, I just don’t care what she needs right now.
- Once when I was in the kitchen I had this horrible thought jump into my head.. I could slit her neck. It shocked me to my core, I felt so repulsed for thinking such an awful thing. This thought still plays on repeat at times and everytime it comes back I feel sick to my stomach and so ashamed that my mind would ever have such a thought.
- I was worried that I would find my baby had died during her sleep. I couldn’t sleep as I had to keep checking her all night. The lack of sleep made the anxiety worst. So I got help, I talked, I developed coping strategies. It’s helped – it’s a work in progress.
- My husband doesn’t understand that I can’t possibly take care of our 4 month old son and keep the house spotless while he’s at work all day. It makes me feel so useless no matter how much I do. I feel like I’m jumping through hoops to keep him happy.
- All I could do was cry …day in day out. The thoughts oh being a worthless mother fled my mind every second of the day. If I wasn’t think about hurting or killing myself I was thinking of ways to end us all…. blowing up the house, driving in front of a semi, jumping off a cliff, taking all my meds and going to sleep forever or finding a lake and just driving in…then everything would be ok …no more crying no more pain. I finally decided to get help, it was a long journey of switching meds and probably will be but every day gets just a lil bit better.
- I would place my son in a laundry basket when doing laundry. Many times I almost cried because of how intense and overwhelming the thoughts of putting him in the dryer were.
- I was already on meds and in therapy, but couldn’t tell anyone just how much I was struggling because then I would be hospitalized, stripped of parental rights, and lose the bond with my baby. In reality, it led to a mental breakdown while I was watching my 18 month old on my own. It left me with almost 50 stitches from self harm, a two week hospitalization, and a major loss of trust with my husband. I was so worried about losing my family that I lost myself instead. Breastfeeding kept me alive during my lowest moments, but it also stopped me from getting more intensive help.
- When my first child was born we owned a gun. My husband asked if I could bring it to him so he could clean it. As I held it, a horrible thought raced through my head: “what if I shoot my baby? What if I shoot myself?” I held it for a minute and pondered: “If there is a bullet in the chamber, just one little squeeze. One squeeze changes it all. One squeeze ruins it all. I lose my life.” I urged my husband to get rid of the gun for our child’s safety. I never told him the real reason.
- When my son was a newborn, I couldn’t sleep because of how he looked in semi-darkness… I constantly thoght he looked blue and he was going to die from positional asphyxia.
- I tell my 8 month old son I love him all the time, but what if I’m actually faking it when I tell him I love him? Please God, watch over him. I don’t trust myself to be a parent sometimes. What if I can’t have another baby? (Why would I even want another baby?)
- I can remember with my first child my mom telling me “don’t shake the baby” and I thought she was out of her ever loving mind. Why would she ever say that to me, I loved my child more than anyone ever loved another. But then it happened, I was going on days without sleep and no matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to comfort my son. It was in that moment that I had the thought “I could just drop him and it would all stop”. The crying, my feelings of inadequacy in being a first time mom, all of it.
- Something terrible would hurt or kill her as a result of a mistake I’d make (looking away while she’s on the changing table, falling asleep while nursing her and accidentally smothering her in my breast). The worst part is that when I imagined these things happening, my first thought was about whether my husband would ever forgive me, not about how terrible it would be to lose our daughter.
- I’m scared that I’ve made a terrible mistake in having a baby—that what I really loved and enjoyed was being pregnant, not being a mother.
- I found myself hoping I’d fall asleep at the wheel of the car with the baby in the back. I didn’t want either of us to be seriously hurt, but I thought that if I did – my husband would have to take how I was feeling seriously.
- I had a traumatic birth and was rushed into surgery straight away. When being taken to surgery I was thinking to myself that I was definitely going to die and how sad people will think it is that I never got to see or hold my baby. I worry about everything that most people worry about, but one day from exhaustion I had a complete breakdown that came out of nowhere. I was scared about my baby waking up and that I would have to pick him up, convinced that I would drop him taking him downstairs, scared to even change his nappy. I had changed his nappy and couldn’t remember doing it. I then had awful intrusive thoughts about when if I hurt him and not even realised. I got scared that what if I’d hurt him at any point before or if hurt him again in the future and not know. I literally didn’t know what to do and just kept saying to myself that I couldn’t have another day of having those thoughts. I got help the next day, and it was only then I realised how common these thoughts are and that EVERYTHING I was thinking was normal. That alone made me feel so much better. It took me around 2 months to get over it. I was very scared to get help as I thought my baby would get taken away from me. I told my boyfriend everything I was thinking first (as I thought if I wasn’t safe to be around my baby then he would tell me) and then spoke to my health visitor who then sorted help for me. I still find myself daydreaming and imagining horrible things (imagining crashing the car etc but I snap out of it and tell myself that it is silly thinking like that) but I know that it’s ok if I feel as awful as I did before that I would just be having a bad day again and that I would get over it with help. I wouldnt have had help and support of it hasn’t spoken up – and it makes me really sad that others may not speak up in fear that they think their child may be taken from them. Always speak up, do it for you and your child 🙂
- I have often visualized driving across the path of a big truck and the car being crushed and me dying.
- I have this fear that while my baby is playing on the floor I will step on her by accident. Or I will drop her over the banister at the top of our staircase so I hold her extra tight around that corner. I’m afraid that she has stopped breathing in the middle of the night. I’m afraid to leave her alone for too long. I want to cry all the time. I hate sex. I hate when my husband makes me feel like I made the wrong choice about anything having to do with our baby.
- I’m stuck in a loop my parents are plotting to take my baby from me. My birth mother was unstable and took anger out on the kids, they never gave my husband a chance, and my Dad mentioned in passing that we shook our baby to burp him. I check over my shoulder for anyone paying attention to us in the grocery store. My fear is they’re right and I am an unfit mother.
- I was so terrified as soon as he was born, a consistent thought for the first few days/weeks was that the only way to get sleep and heal was if “he wasn’t here.” I felt like a terrible mother and was sure I had made an awful mistake.
- I thought I was unfit to be a mother and that by giving birth I ruined three lives; that of our daughter, my boyfriend and my own.
(We are all very happy now!)
- I knew that I wasn’t capable of being the mom my son deserved and thought he & my husband would be better off if I died and my husband found a good wife & mother.
- I am terrified on the highway since my son was born. The fear developed overtime and I can no longer drive on the highway, let alone handle being a passenger. I thought it would not scare me so much if my son was not in the car but it doesn’t matter. Anytime I know I will be going on the highway I am in panic-mode all day. My husband does not understand the fear at all and says I make him anxious when he is driving.
- I constantly have images of me hurting my baby. The images are so vivid and terrifying that sometimes I have to put my baby down and go to another room to cry, whenever this happens I feel that my whole body is on fire and I itch everywhere I end up turning red. I’ve tried to explain to my partner that I need help but he doesn’t get it… I just don’t feel like myself and I don’t know what to do or where to go because I fear I will be judge or worst I will lose my baby because of my poor mothering skills.
- I had thoughts of running away. Suicidal thoughts. Driving off a cliff. These thoughts were repetitive. My stomach felt like it was in knots. I asked my husband “please put me out of my misery”. I wanted the “sinking, miserable feeling” and anger to end. I wanted to die. I had rage. I hated the world. I hated my husband. Everything seemed like it was a conspiracy.
- My entire pregnancy and labor/delivery I just knew in my heart I was going to die during child birth and my daughter would grow up without a mom. 4 months pp I’m still here. I’ve never told anyone this before.
- I’d always been an anxious person but that escalated when my son was born. I’d wanted to be pregnant for so long, having had breast cancer at a young age, but then when he was born the change of lifestyle was just so abrupt that I longed for my old life back. And that longing mixed with guilt at not immediately loving motherhood was a horrible cocktail of anxiety and unhappiness. My body was a mess, my life was a mess, my home was a mess, I couldn’t see my friends or leave the house without massive organisation. I fantasized about what I would be doing if I was back in my old life & this made me feel so guilty but also so sad at what I’d lost. Then I was super anxious about keeping him on a schedule. I obsessed over doing everything at a particular time every day. It was almost like my anxiety found a home in the compulsion of establishing a daily routine. As the routine became more entrenched in my life, the monotony of the routine started to break me down bit by bit. I couldn’t fathom a time where my life would ever be interesting & carefree again.
Now he’s 4 months old & definitely things are getting easier. I love him with all my heart & I now realise that what I felt was normal & expected as a new mom. We need to speak the secret thoughts we all hide. They don’t make us bad people, in fact they make us stronger. We are amazing, all moms are absolutely amazing.
- After my son was born, I was afraid of him. Like sometimes I would look at him in the dark in the middle of the night and he would look back at me and I was positive that he was evil. It terrified me and I never told anyone about it.
- I resent my baby for being so miserable and I fear my resentment will somehow manifest a terrible tragedy or that he will die or become disabled and it will be my fault . I fear he will be a challenging child too and it makes me want to just leave him. I feel like I don’t want my kids & im wrecking them by being so inept. I want to leave them every day.
- With my first child, I was convinced that there would be a fire in the house while I was having sex, and that the baby would die in the fire. With my second, I was even more of a mess. I was convinced I was going to hurt him, to stab him to death or drop him on a hard floor. I put all my energy into maintaining a facade of happiness and normality while inside I was going crazy. Horrible times. I can’t even remember my second child’s babyhood now, I think I have blanked it out.
- I held my five day old baby girl over the bed and wondered what would happen if I just dropped her. I wouldn’t hold her for days. I regretted getting pregnant and wanted to give her away.
- Sometimes I think about running away. Just get in the car and never come back.
- I had thoughts about getting up in the middle of the night and just driving away and disappearing. I just wanted to be alone.
- When I was young my father took me to see an old Navy aircraft carrier that had been turned into a museum. I would love to share this experience with my own son, but all I can think of is him falling from the ship into the gator infested waters below. Even though I know there are barriers around the ship I can’t help but be sure it would happen if I took him.
- I have seen my son’s face turn blue. I have felt him go limp in my arms. I have screamed for the NICU nurse, certain that this time he wouldn’t come back. He’s 18 months now; our NICU days are long past. But I still wake up in the middle of the night – in a blind panic – CERTAIN that he stopped breathing. It’s like a part of me dies every time it happens. I don’t know how many parts there are left.
- I hear all the time how my thoughts are unfounded. My husband. My family. “You’re just a worry wart.” and “It’s all in your head.” they say to me.
The family next to us in the NICU with their two tiny boys. Going home with one boy. One, when there should have been two.
Don’t tell me my fears are unfounded. I’ve seen what can happen. My eyes are open. Sometimes I just want to yell! It’s all in my head?! No. This illusion of the immortality of the innocent is all in YOUR head.
- When my daughter was 18 months her father and I separated and she wouldn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time at night. I work full time and had no help with her. I started seeing visions of her being smothered with a pillow like it was a movie playing on repeat every night. After several nights I took myself to the hospital. While that was a terrible experience in its self I was able to finally take the steps I needed to get real help. Now the hard days are fewer and farther Apart. They are still there, they still happen but they don’t last for as long or consume me.
- I feel completely inadequate as a mother when my baby doesn’t feed properly, doesn’t sleep and basically needs holding 24/7. I feel like I’m a single mum but I’m married! I feel like I’m going utterly batshit crazy and sometimes I think I never should have had this baby or give her up for adoption…
- As I was in the shower I pictured that I was giving my baby a bath but the water temperature was extremely hot or extremely cold.
- I’m convinced there is something wrong with my baby. And googling things all day long does not help. I’m so anxious I have frequent panic attacks and just sometimes want my life to end.
- I have intrusive thoughts of my baby dying. I’m regularly imaging us getting in a horrible car accident, or him falling and getting fatally injured. I try so hard to push them away, but sometimes they are overwhelming.
- I’ve actually been rough with my baby during the struggle of making him sleep. All other times I seem to be doing fairly well but I just can’t take any shit at nap/sleep times. One time when my baby was fussing and I was getting angrier with rage, baby brought his finger near my mouth. And I had this huge urge to bite him I was so furious. And I was instantly glad I actually didn’t do it. But then it scared me to death by what I just felt like doing to my baby. Biting someone with anger is an instant reaction and it made me so so scared that I had this feeling with my baby. I got more depressed thinking what if I had really bitten him that day. I would have been proved mad and my baby taken away from me. So far I’ve felt this twice and hate myself for this.
- I’m afraid to take my son anywhere. I just want to stay home with him because I feel like it’s the only place I can keep him safe. But at the same time as I’m falling asleep I have to check the front door at least 4 times to make sure it’s locked, because I’m afraid someone will break in and steal him. I’m afraid of someone taking him away from me because he’s the only thing that keeps me going.
- Everytime I walk near the stairs I imagine my 3 months old baby falling of my arms downstairs. Everytime she turns her head while she’s sleeping and I can’t see her face I think she’s suffocating. All the time I’m thinking the she is gonna be sick or have cancer and we’ll be on of these families that lose their one and only child. And I’m will die if this happen to me. I’m thinking all the time that something bad will happen, just because i had difficulty to have her with IVF’s and etc. But I would give my life for her.
- When my baby had otitis when she was 55 days old and went to hospital for 8 days to take antibiotics, I thought that she will be psychotic when she grows up because of the traumatic experience…
- Falling down stairs and crushing my daughter (I’ve fallen down a curb before while holding her). Crashing the car with her in it. Me surviving but not her.
Scaring her because a symptom of anxiety I get is that I get acutely upset and panic.
- I had intrusive thoughts with all three of my children. With the first I had visions of dropping them down the stairs, with the second I imagined opening a window and dropping them out and with the third I imagined opening the lit stove and putting them onto the fire. I even imagined my husband coming home and asking Where’s the baby? Oh I put him in the fire. They were terrifying but after my first baby I learnt about intrusive thoughts and that they are “normal”. My husband also had them.
- I just found this website today and the minute I read the symptoms, I sobbed. I’ve been dealing with scary thoughts for 3 or 4 months now. My son is almost 7 months old. I’ve been obsessed with always wanting him to feel comfortable and safe. To the point that he always sleeps with me. The only time he naps on his own is at daycare.
This obsession probably stems from my abusive childhood.
But it’s led me to all of these horrible and vivid thoughts of my baby somehow being put in a situation where he is made to feel unsafe or comforted. Whether it’s by me or not. Car accidents, where he’s hurt and wants his mommy but I can’t get to him and his last moments are spent wondering where I am.
Or me hurting him and him reaching out to me to get me to stop and love him
Or some one else hurting him.Or something happening to me and he never gets the comfort he needs from anyone else.
Once, I was holding him peacefully and out of nowhere i imagined myself flinging him across the room. I remember feeling flushed and nauseous at the image.
I read a brief article a month ago about PPOCD and felt some relief because I was worried that I was beginning to have symptoms of psychosis. My mother had it and my sister had severe PPD.
I felt relieved that there was a name for what I was feeling and I had been having a much easier time with it. But the last few days have been bad and I had a dream lastnight that has had me in such a state all day that I climbed on top of my son and stabbed him. And he was reaching out to me and grabbing my arms, but I wouldn’t stop. This hurts to type.Who imagines this kind of stuff about their own baby?!What kind of mother am i?? I keep telling myself it will get better. That this is normal and it’s due to loving something more than i have ever imagined. I’ve been putting off scheduling an appointment with my therapist, who I had lined up before I had my son to help prevent this. But I really thought I had this all under control and id be able to proudly say I didn’t have PPD.But I realize that now I need to talk about it and get help. I finally told my fiance and we are going to get me some help. I just can’t believe I tried to ignore this.
- While driving to help my reflux baby sleep, beyond exhausted myself, I would fantasize about driving into the lake in the middle of a Canadian winter. How that would mean we could both get some rest.
- I was awake at 3am, with my kitchen trash spread across my entire apartment, digging for tiny pieces of plastic I had thrown away earlier. I NEEDED to find every. Single. One. If I didn’t get up and count them to make sure, one could be in my son’s crib and suffocate him. And it would be my fault.
- I had, and still do, thoughts of regret of having my son. I’ve wished for my “old life” back so many times. I’ve had thoughts of “what I have done”, “this was a bad idea”, “I don’t want him anymore”, or “I never should have had him”. It makes me feel so terrible and so ashamed. I love him, I really do. I have great days with him and I am glad I had him. But sometimes motherhood is so hard and my depression and anxiety cripple me and these thoughts enter my head and I just feel so bad for thinking them.
- I didn’t plan to get pregnant with my daughter and even though she’s almost 14 months old I’m still coming to terms with it. Still!! I’m so lucky- great partner, financially stable, no infertility struggles when I know so many who have them. Yet, I still find myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten pregnant and romanticizing that “would be” life. It’s not fair to my family and I know that but I just feel like I’ve lost so much of myself the last few years. Sometimes I wish it hadn’t happened even though I love my daughter and I have a wonderful life. Then I feel like a terrible person.
- My baby girl is 8 months old today. Since she was born I have had almost every thought described in this campaign. I have thought (and pictured it very vividly and graphically) that she’ll die in a million ways: in a car crash, fell from my balcony, killed by my neighbor’s dog, choked by any small object, drowned while bathing, kidnapped, caught a disease, or ran over by a car and a train, to name a few. It’s exhausting. I am constantly alert and constantly anxious. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night or I wake up at 3:00 am invaded by those thoughts and can’t go back to sleep again. It is hard to enjoy my beautiful healthy baby and my blessed life. I am driving my husband crazy because he can’t understand why I behave like this. I feel that I’ve become insane, I feel alone, I feel I’m doing a bad job as her mom and that she deserves so much better than me. It is pure torture. Does this ever go away? Am I going to be like this the rest of my life?
- I am anxious. There,I said it. I’ve never had an issue with anxiety and yet here I am totally consumed by anxiety. I hardly get any sleep as baby has some kind of sleep disorder (or it’s my fault he doesn’t sleep from responding too quickly or cosleeping and disturbing his sleep). My perfectionism is out of control, so much so that I’m unbearable around my 12yr old and partner. I feel so strung out and overly sensitive that I can hardly bear any stimulus at all and ask people to lower their voices. Total party pooper. I cook and clean up and research all day long in between walking, interacting with and tending baby. I feel totally unsupported physically and emotionally by my partner who I’ve driven crazy not doubt with my anxiety but who, honestly, doesn’t seem to ‘adult’ well and never (I’m actually not kidding) cooks.
- I feel that I can’t speak about my ppd to anyone as I’m diagnosed with bipolar disorder and scared they’ll take my toddler away… So I’ve kept everything to myself for two and a half years.
- I had scary intrusive thoughts about hurting both myself and my baby…smothering her with a pillow, driving my car off a bridge…they scared the crap out of me….I later learned that the fact that they scared me so bad meant I wouldn’t act on any of them.
- For a few months after my second child was born, I regularly felt like I wanted to drive my car into a wall. Not enough to kill me, but enough to hospitalise myself for a week so I could have a break. My husband was working ridiculous and long hours at the time and I have no family locally who could help out. When I broke down at the drs she said I was exhausted and needed to focus on me. I still occasionally feel like this but admitting to people motherhood sucks some of the time helps me a lot.
- Pre-partum stress is real too. I am terrified by the feeling that my body is being taken over by another living being growing inside me.
- I can’t hold my son when we take him to hockey games for fear I will drop him over the ledge into the section below.
- I had a lot of scary thoughts during the first weeks of being a new mom. Sleep deprived and stressed out, the scariest was that if I just jumped off my balcony, I’d be free of my baby. That was the lowest point and since then never thought it again.
- When I was on maternity, I thought about just leaving. Leaving the little guy with his dad and getting on with my life.
- I had one infant and was pregnant with a second when the Andrea Yates story broke. Everyone around me kept talking about “those poor children with their crazy mother”. All I could think was “that poor woman with all those children”. I spent weeks planning how I could do it and get away with it. In the end I decided I wouldn’t want to get away with it, because I would feel bad and deserve to be punished – which eventually led to maybe I shouldn’t do it – but it took almost two years before I stopped fantasizing about it.
- It is such a relief to read these thoughts and realize I’ve had so many of the same ones. When I went back to work after maternity leave, I couldn’t watch or read any news about bad things happening to other babies or children, and would immediately picture my daughter as the person in those news stories, with horrible things happening to her.
- I used to wake up in a panic, thinking the baby was somewhere in the bed, or that I fell asleep holding her in bed and forgot to put her back in her crib.
- The thought of someone breaking into our house or kidnapping her for child sex trafficking.
- One of the first nights when we came home from the hospital, we were so sleep deprived and panicking because she wouldn’t stop crying. I turned to my husband and asked, “can we give her back?!”
- I have this fear that my daughter will fall off a play structure or down a steep incline while hiking, break her head open and die. Probably stems from my own fear of heights. I am also terrified that my 7 year old will drop or harm the baby by accident and that i will hate her for it.
- I was convinced that all the stress I’d experienced during pregnancy had caused brain-damage, and that, as a result, my beautiful, perfect infant would grow up to be a sociopath; alternatively I worried that my baby could sense my intense post partum anxiety and interpret it as ambivalence, causing her to disconnect from me and disrupt our bond.
- I imagined someone putting my baby in the microwave. I also imagined her on an open field in the cold, abandoned. Then, I would cry.
- I imagined throwing my baby out of the window, or down the stairs, or in front of a car.
I imagined bashing his head on the corners of furniture.
I imagined holding him under the water while I gave him a bath.
I imagined doing sexual acts with him.
It was absolutely horrendous. I was terrified that I was a complete monster – after all, what kind of a mother imagines harming her own child?
I also had “what if” thoughts: what if my husband and I die, who would look after him? where would he live? would his “new parents” love him? what if they smacked him? I ought to write out lists of what he likes to eat and drink and describe his favourite toys and games because if anything happens to me then no-one will know how to look after him.
What if we are in a car accident and the car is so damaged that they don’t realise that he is still alive in there because they can’t see him.
What if I’m in a storm or a flood and I’m not strong enough to hold onto him and I have to let him go?
What if armed men come into our house? – they would reach his bedroom first. I wouldn’t be able to save him.
What if I had to choose between the life of my husband or the life of my child?
I don’t watch the news anymore and don’t watch many films now because it’s too hard. I just can’t cope with the thoughts that come to me as a result.
- A healthcare worker once said to me ‘i bet you cant remember your life without her now’ when my daughter was 3 weeks old and i thought yes… yes I can and it was much better than this. This is awful.
- I used to seriously fear my daughter would die in the night and i would plan her funeral in my head obssessively. I wish i had sought help.
- I had twins and used to frequently think that if I didn’t do exactly the same for each they’d develop some kind of attachment disorder.
At my very lowest I experienced intrusive thoughts that I’d walk in to find my babies dead in their cot. In my head I could see them blue and rigour mortised. It was horrific.
- I’m scared that I’ll never even meet my baby following birth. I feel disconnected this pregnancy and it hasn’t been an enjoyable time. As punishment, I think, I feel like I’m going to die or she is and I’ll never know my baby.
- I think sometimes that I am just not wired to be a mother. I wasn’t born with the nurturing instincts hat other women seem to have. My son is now one year old and my most vivid memories of our time together so far are the ones when I failed as a mother – when I was impatient, frustrated, or sad. I deal with an overwhelming amount of guilt everyday. Sometimes I think he would be better off with a different mommy. I am pregnant with our second and I am terrified of just screwing everything up a second time.
- I’m scared to talk to a therapist about the thoughts/feelings I’ve had since having my son because I’m afraid that they’ll want to take him away and send me away too. In my frustration I have been rough with my son before (like when he wouldn’t take a bottle I would force it into his mouth or when he was crying a lot and not napping I would hold his pacifier in his mouth even though he didn’t want it) , and I’m scared that a professional will think I’m an abusive parent.
On the flip side I just want someone to confirm my belief that I’m a horrible mother and that I don’t deserve to have children.
All I can think is “What kind of mother gets so frustrated with her own baby?”
- I had postpartum for 14 months with my second child. I didn’t know what was wrong with me I had NO kind of Connection with my daughter and I was clueless to why. Giving birth is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Every morning I woke up id instantly start to cry and scream at everybody and wanted nothing to do with my newborn I wanted to die I wanted to give my daughter up. I wasn’t able to take care of her if i wanted to. Postpartum is a real scary thing and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I honestly thought I wouldn’t survive it.
- I used to wonder what would happen if I just dropped my baby and considered doing it just to see … I knew it would hurt her, so I didn’t do it but then I thought one day I’ll just let her fall. What was wrong with me I thought… I love her.
- I’ve been struggling since having my youngest my aniexty has got worse and depression I’d never hurt my babies but when I’m trying to sleep I have bad thoughts all the time, like she just stops breathing or she gets run over by a car or someone kidnaps her and kills her. Some of the things I see in my head are so disturbing it scares me so much. I don’t know what brings it on but id like it to leave it scares me to death wish I could take it away nothing seems to work. I never sleep I have peace of mind when she is sleeping with me then I can feel her with me 🙁
- I worry that my son will slip out of my arms taking a bath and I’ll just watch him drown instead of saving him.
- Whenever I’m alone I image what would happen to us if my husband died. I almost always settle on putting my son up for adoption and killing myself…
- The neighbors will call CPS. They’ll show up on a really bad day. They’ll take him away and everyone in my life will hate me.
- After sleeping through my first born’s birthday due to being put to sleep for an unplanned c section, latching difficulty, and my milk only coming in on one side (and promptly leaving), I have convinced myself in my head that I am somehow less of a mom for not pushing, not being conscious when he arrived, and not being able to breastfeed… and that any other responsible adult could offer my son what he needs and that I am no different than anyone else in his life. As a result, images of other moms giving birth or breastfeeding their babies trigger me into painful tears, daily, since he was born, five months ago.
- I can’t even remember giving birth to my son, i was blacking out through the entire labor process. I feel awful for asking my family questions about what happened. I’m terrified i’ll come off as uncaring if i tell anyone about my experience.
- I had debilitating ppd/ppa with my son who’s now 4. I resented him and everything he took away from me… we had the hardest time breastfeeding until 5.5 mos in and then he just stopped nursing so I had to exclusively pump for him and then I really hated him bc pumping is misery. He wouldn’t nurse and then he wouldn’t eat solids. He was allergic to dairy formula and I refused to give him soy. I don’t think I really felt love for him until he was 18 mos when my milk dried up and he started sleeping through the night instead of waking 10+ times a night. It took me a long time to get back to a good place and I felt like myself and got pregnant again bc I always wanted two. And I mostly feel ok but sometimes the stress gets me and today I had the worst intrusive thought. I was driving home from dropping my son at daycare and caught sight of my 7 month old daughter in her mirror and out of nowhere there it was: i thought it would be nice to drop by my friends house to see her and her daughter and I imagined pulling out a gun and shooting myself in the head. It was so quick and so awful. I don’t feel suicidal but there it was. A gut punch and I started sobbing. I’m a good mom. I know I’m a good mom. I don’t want these thoughts.
- I am angry and sad that my first year with my son is clouded with my regrets about how I’ve already failed as a mother. When I look at photos from this past year I don’t see the happy moments, my brain automatically begins to list all the things I did wrong. I constantly have a highlight reel playing in my head of all of my worst moments as a mother. I’m now pregnant with or second baby and I’m absolutely terrified of screwing everything up again. I want to scream because I feel like this should have been so much better.
- Not being able to feel like myself again. And that I will go crazy, and it would be to hard for me to get better. And that I’m going to be the type of person, that won’t be able to leave their house. Cause taking on the world is a scary thing. And I wish that I can just, be able to leave my baby with his dad. And have a day to myself. But I feel like I can’t cause, I need to be there for him. But when I’m near him, all I want to do is get away from him. And sometimes I feel like I’m going to stop breathing and die, cause my brain is getting the best of me.
- I began to resent my husband for all the “good” sleep he was getting and I became mean and disgruntled because of that.
- I thought I “hated” my toddler for demanding so much while I had to take care of the new baby. I was angry all of the time. I had to physically bite my own tongue so as not to yell and curse. I just want some alone time. Just a little bit like even 20 minutes to shower alone and comb my hair, but I feel like a bad mom for wanting that. I am their eveything. But I am mad and mean and grouchy and I trying to accept that my personal life is now over. I know its not true but this is how I feel.
- I regretted having her and ruining the perfect happy family my husband and I had before she was born. I hated when she cried and I couldn’t “fix” it and I would yell at her “JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT”, which would turn into me sobbing that over and over until my husband would wake up and take her from me. Then I felt like I was the worst mother ever for not knowing what my baby needed. When she caught her first cold that turned into bronchiolitis it was again my fault that she couldn’t breathe properly and was wheezing. The fact I couldn’t fix her breathing issues threw me into a tailspin and I would have a panic attack just listening to her struggle to breathe. I wanted to be the perfect mother that was in sync with every need my baby had, and not achieving that was unacceptable and everyone would think I was a terrible mother and take her away from me.
- I couldn’t stop thinking I’d be hurt while my older child was at school and I was home alone with the baby. I worried I’d fall down the stairs or get into a car accident and no one would be there to get my 5 year old off the bus. That the baby would be hurt and screaming for hours before my husband came home.
- I recently saw When The Bough Breaks and realized I am only just now at the end of it.
It could have been me. How far was I from killing myself? From accidentally hurting my babies or worse? Where was my family? Why didn’t anyone intervene? Will it be easier for me to start treatment if I get it next time? Why don’t women matter?
- When my son was a baby he had terrible gas issues that took awhile to figure out. We learned he was lactose intolerant and his formula was hurting him. He would just be up all hours screaming and crying and it was almost impossible to get him to stop unless you were holding him to your chest and bending over and coming back up, over and over again. Only when he was being held and moved like that would he stop crying. I was a single mom and it was just so hard. i remember one particularly hard night, i was exhausted and just feeling so defeated and he just wouldnt shut up. The image of me swinging his head into the side of a nearby nightstand repeatedly, just so he’d shut up, played in my head. No one would have to know, we could just get some sleep, everything would be ok. I felt so horrible for the thought in my head. i of course would never and have never hurt my son but it was just so hard doing everything alone without any kind of support or support system.
As the years have gone by i periodically think if i should have ever had kids, if im meant to have kids. Ive always wanted kids its always been my dream but maybe im not supposed to? maybe im forcing it? some people arent meant to have kids, maybe im one of them?
i have never sought out treatment out of embarrassment or shame or just not having the tools or opportunity to. I’ve been much better and have really pulled myself along for a really long time. Im so ready and excited to finally be stable and be able to have more kids! But sometimes im still terrified… what if having another kids sets it all off again and its so much worse than it was the first time? what if i really go off the deep end? Maybe there is this monster inside me just ready and waiting and trying to claw its way out of me and ill do something horrible?
Recently ive been terrified someone is in my sons room hiding in his closet and waiting for me to go to sleep so he can come out and rape my son. Im afraid there are people who regularly come to watch him through his window as he sleeps. Every night i tuck him into bed and say good night and then i wait and i go in again and check the closet and under his bed and out his window to make sure no one is there to hurt him. i usually check twice a night and still go to bed worried someone is there.
- I kept feeling the distinct warmth of blood on my hands as the thoughts of stabbing my son raced through my mind.
- I feared having a knife at my disposal in the kitchen because I wondered what if I hurt my baby with it. Also fear of a househelp hurting my baby.
- Sometimes my anxiety has me so on edge that every noise has me on the edge of panic. I have a three year old and a one year old. If there is no noise something bad is happening or they are asleep, but if I’m also trying to sleep every noise on the baby monitor must mean something bad is happening. It doesn’t end, because not sleeping means my postpartum anxiety and depression is worse.
- I worry my boyfriends family is trying to take my son from me because they think I’m not a good enough mother and they want him all for themselves…
- I was afraid that I would accidentally lose control of myself in some way and kill or hurt my baby, so much that I had reoccurring dreams about it, I knew I would never do it, but I thought about killing myself to make the thoughts stop. But I was terrified that if I killed myself no one would take care of my baby the “right” way. I never got help, eventually the thoughts went away on their own but it was a miserable year or so until they did. I lost a lot of weight and became emaciated because I struggled to eat and sleep.
- I am constantly scared that my baby will get a fever. I get scared all the time that I will hurt him. I love when my partner helps with the baby but I also get jealous and fear that my baby won’t like me anymore.
- I am so scared of literally everything. My son is 8 now and I get such severe anxiety that something bad is going to happen that I send myself almost into panic attacks. I don’t want to hinder him from experiencing life because of my fears but I want to protect him at all cost. Its gets really hard and I stay exhausted.
- I’m due in less then 2 weeks with my 3rd child which was not planned or expected at all. And all I can think about is how my other children are going to hate me because I’ll be spending all my time with a baby that I’m worried I won’t be able to love as much as my other children especially because me and her father really don’t get along..
- What if im sick what if i can’t be around any more for my babies i get that scared that im always going to the doctors or the hospital
- I thought was wasn’t going to be a good mom and I was scared hold my baby at first. The couple of months were HARD and sometimes I still struggle with postpartum ALOT. Sometimes I feel like know one understands what I am going through. POSTPARTUM IS STRUGGLE IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE!!
- Someone left 18 seconds on the microwave and my first thought was that my baby would die in 18 days.
- Letting him play by himself is terrifying. Like he’ll hurt himself on something. Letting him sleep in his own room, he’ll fall out of the crib and vet hurt, or wrap himself in his sleep sack and choke, I won’t hear it. That I won’t wake from the baby monitor. If I’m looking down at my phone/cooking he’ll hurt himself. They’ll test his blood and find out I’ve had a drink and take him away from me. That I’m creating a bratty child by being home with him all the time which will ruin his relationship with his Father. That I’m doing everything wrong so God will take him from me because I don’t deserve to be a Mom (I had an abortion due to being raped and I still struggle with guilt).
- 1)That I Was Gonna Find My Baby Dead When I Fell Asleep And Some Up To Check On Her. 2)Anything To Do With SIDS 3)That My 1yr Old Isn’t Gonna Love Me And Our Bond Was Going To Be Broken Bc I Have A Newborn 4)Something Happen To Me Or My Husband. 5)My Kids Being Away From Me And Something Happening To Them.
- I broke my ankle 5 yrs ago. I had surgery to fix it. At the time I I’ll my had a 9 month old. I went home & took my meds like I was told. I had no help from no one at the time. My boyfriend work all day, my mother worked nights , & his family & I didn’t get along at that time. Well one day I was in so much pain. I took my pain meds. Long story short I fell on top of my child. At the time I was over 200 pounds. Took my child to the hospital, was told his skull was cracked. Cps stepped in right away. Took my child away. I got pregnant while cps was still looking into my life. Well they took that child away too. For 2 yrs I went threw hell. Not just with myself but with my family too. My oldest sister adopted my children. She makes them call her mom & her husband dad. My boyfriend & I are now tia & tio. Last yrs I had my last baby. My last child is 9 months I’m so scared my sister will call cps on me . I’m scared cps will step in & take my child away.I don’t trust anyone. (My older sister called cps on one of my friends& got her children taken away. If she can do it to her than she can do it to me)
- My baby sleeping and im asleep as well and she chokes on milk while she sleep and I wake up to a dead baby.
- We have a ceramic sink in the kitchen, and I would see myself smashing my baby daughters head against it. So much so I eventually wouldn’t allow myself to go into the kitchen with her.
- I frequently have a strong fear that my partner might be sexually abusing our daughter. I have no reason to think this other than my own history. It’s horrible to think such things about a man who is such a great dad.
- During this year’s horrific flu season, I was petrified of my baby catching the flu. I would barely allow my older children to get even close to the baby in case they had the flu and weren’t showing symptoms yet, and I had to wash/sanitize my hands after touching anything. Nothing in our house was clean, and I had a panic attack after my children came down with a case of the sniffles. We also had deer mice somehow coming into our house, and I was convinced that we all were going to catch Hantavirus and die.
- My baby will stop breathing or choke and I will lose him
- Whenever I go to the mall I have had these thoughts like what if my baby falls from the third floor, imagining I threw him out from a certain level, or while we’re on the escalator.
- My sweet husband is the most incredible father…he has been from day one. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking that he might harm my daughter. This is beyond disturbing and irrational but my mind keeps going there. These thoughts are so powerful that I find excuses to be in the same room with them. I feel awful about this and could never tell him – this secret eats at me.
- My imagination turned everything and anything into a weapon. I couldn’t even charge my phone without having terrible thoughts of strangling my baby. I would have physical responses to these thoughts-I would get hot and my heart would beat faster. I wanted to hold her close to protect her, and get as far away from her as possible at the same time. I was absolutely certain I was going insane. I am so glad I got help when I did.
- I was convinced my baby was going to get the flu and die. I was terrified that she would get dropped down the stairs either by me or someone else. I also convinced myself that my baby hated me and loved everyone else.
- Even though we are almost 1 1/2 years post partum, I can’t help feeling like I’m a crap mom, I’m failing my son, and he would be better off without me. Part of me knows I’m being ridiculous, but I can’t seem to stop.
- I got fired from my job this week after one day back from maternity leave. Right now I was told by my fiancé that I live a very secluded life. I feel like I could die.
- I thought I wouldn’t be a good mom and able to financially provide, so I thought of drinking bleach and leaving my husband and baby without me as a burden.
- From the time i brought her home, it started with ” what if i dropped her on the hard floor” or what if i hit her head on the wall while leaving the room” what if i break her bones while changing her clothes. then they got worse. by the time of her two month checkup “vaccinations” were the devil to me. what if she died from her shots. when i would go to google they would always say that “vaccinations is what caused babies to have sids” and i would been so much in my head that i would think shes was going to die right then and there and i would have to watch her breathe for at least 10 days before i felt calm. then i started to have really bad intrusive thoughts. ” what if i push her ribs in” ” what if i drop her hard” ” what if i kill her” THE WORST FEELINGS EVER.
- Every time I’m sitting near the coffee table with my baby, I imagine his head getting smashed by the table. I don’t envision doing it. Just the divistating injury.
- I feel so much rage and anger towards my husband since having children that I fantasize about him dying young so I can marry someone better, guilt free.
- Sometimes I think of throwing my baby from the second floor of our house down to the first floor. Splat.
- I have watched many news items of men raping months old babies. I have a vivid imagination, and I graphically imagine it happening to my daughter. By far, that is the most awful thought I have. And now, I am so terrified of being out with her because men might see her, follow us home, attack us, and do the exact thing to her.
- I wasn’t suicidal, but I had come to the conclusion that if I were to die, that would be okay. If my baby were to die, that would be okay. I was not okay.
- I would be terrifed that I’d drop a pot of boiling water on my baby when moving the pot from stove to sink, even if she weren’t near me. The fear drove me to tears.
- The day i found out I was pregnant I was so disappointed in myself. I thought of every option but having or keeping her. Then my fiance assured me everything would be okay. His mother my mother they all said it would be okay… No one listened to me. I have seizures I thought I would die. The further along in my pregnancy I got the better I felt about it. Until his mom told me she would have her son leave me and they would take the baby if I didn’t cook and clean her house. The more I spent time there the more depressed I got. 5 days before I gave birth it was my birthday, I didn’t get to celebrate it and we were kicked out by his mother. When we were at the hospital just about anything went wrong I had been leaking all day so I had to have a c section. His mother was there telling me what I was doing wrong and what I needed to do. When we were released and visited her she threatened me with dfs, all of which lead me to having ppd. I would never give my daughter up for anything or hurt her. But I think about running away often. And hiding and pulling out my hair. I love her so much now. After she was born I couldn’t look at her for days. I hated her father. And i hated the fact that nothing was my choice or even talked about. I had to go through a life changing experience that had the biggest toll on my mind and body and why? Cause he didn’t want to wear a condom. But it’s okay cause we’re getting married?
- I convinced myself that my daughter, who was only 3 months, hated me.
- I have this constant fear that I am going to violently kill my three children in my sleep. I dream it, I see visions of it, and I’m scared it will happen. It ends the same every time, we have a peaceful night then I go to sleep and wake up covered in blood.
- My kids are now almost 4 and almost 2 and I’m still scared all the time—that when we drive places we will get in a horrific car accident and I’ll die and leave them behind with no mother or that they’ll die and I will survive; I worry at the playground that they will fall off the play equipment and land in some freak way that will cause them to break their neck or hit their head; I worry that they will be diagnosed with cancer. All. The. Time. And all that overwhelming worry makes me so anxious that I get so angry, I just explode and yell at them, overreacting to small, normal kid things. Recently I yelled at my youngest and my older son went and comforted him, telling him it was ok, mommy still loves him. What kind of mother puts her 3 year old and 1 year old in a position like that? But I know they do need me, so I keep trying and failing, but hopefully failing less as time goes on.
- My baby is 1 year old & no one knows that I still think about running away sometimes because I don’t think he cares that much about me & I convince myself of that because I was abused. I believe I will somehow mess him up.
- Everything constantly goes thru my mind. Fear my child will get strangled in bed from loose clothing/blankets, kidnaping, car accident, cancer. I also worry I’ll get cancer and leave my baby without a mom.
- I used to imagine the stroller getting away from my husband by the street and getting hit by a car or someone snatching it…but when babywearing I imagined falling on her and smashing her with my overweight body. I also could not trust my dogs around her and I still don’t trust daycares. I’m starting therapy soon and even then, she will be with me.
- I’m scared i will wake up and my baby boy won’t be breathing im scared to carry him lifeless and to see him laying in a coffin i fear i won’t see him grow.I used to babywear my infant while cooking dinner and when I’d open the oven door, I’d get these images in my head of my baby somehow falling out of his carrier and falling into the heated oven and the door snapping shut and locking as I frantically tried to pull it open. I’d shake my head vigorously to make the images go away and was convinced I was insane.
- I was afraid to get into the car with my kids. Every time I closed my eyes I heard the sound of crunching metal.
- I wouldn’t open the door for anyone. I was afraid someone was going to come take my babies.
- Breastfeeding or cuddling the baby and thinking about puncturing the soft spot on top of her head.
- Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I just want to throw in the towel. Many times I thought about it selfishly on why I had kids. I knew it would be hard but this hard?! I tend to be an overachiever and always busy never being able to relax. I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old and they don’t get along much. This is not what I wanted and I feel it’s my duty to make them like each other and love one another. My husband doesn’t understand because he thinks I am a great mom and my kids love me but I feel that they will wish I was different when they get older. I have many thoughts about “running” or “hightailing” it out of here and never coming back but I couldn’t do that to them or my husband. I don’t know how I got so lucky with someone who supportive and loving but those evil thoughts still exist. The “what if’s”, “what will happens”, “how come this is what’s going on” and “why did this happen to me’s”. I take it day by day. Breath by breath. I miss my time alone. I rarely get it. I feel so needed, touched and exhausted. I am only 1 person and I am slowing forgetting who I am besides just being a mother. I chalk it up to being even more tired than usual even with the meds I am on but I still feel so lost.
- Every time my kids get in a car with my husband or mother, I’m convinced it’s the last time I’m going to see them alive. I will worry and panic until they get home.
- I worry of myself sexually abusing or harming I worry if I’ve not cleaned myself enough, after doing anything sexual with her dad or myself I worry about being clean enough to hold her, I’ve even told my partner that I’d give up all my parental rights to him as I don’t deserve her, I worry in case I’m too rough with her when I pick her up, or when she cries and me and her dad are having private time I feel awful, I really hate feeling this way and wouldn’t want anyone else to feel this way but I kinda hope someone understands this.
- With my first child I would have a intrusive thought of snapping my daughter neck. I could vividly see it. The thought was so intense my hands would tingle. I was so afraid of my own mind. With support from my counseler, family and homeopathic dr I was able to combat my Postpartum Anxiety.
- We have a walk in shower, so we’d bathe our little one with us in the shower. I was terrified to take a shower with her without my husband because the image of me accidentally dropping her on the tile floor was all too real. It got so bad, I could ‘hear’ the sound of her hitting the tile. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to. Telling my husband I was struggling helped me take a little ownership of my anxiety so I could begin coping with the anxiety & depression.
- Had vivid sexual thoughts about my baby, could not even change his diaper…these thoughts would run over and over through my brain and make me physically sick. I was terrified to wake each day in fear of the thoughts I knew were coming. Sleep was the only time I felt peace! Terrified to get help due to not hearing of women having these types of thoughts, but I had to either get help or not be here anymore! I chose help. Thank God.
- After my daughter was born, she went to the NICU. For months after we came home, I was constantly checking her to make sure she was breathing. I would have constant anxiety and thoughts that something terrible was going to happen to her. The cycle repeated fourteen months later when my son was born. I haven’t slept through the night in almost two years. It’s just now starting to get a little better.
- I would have images and thoughts pop in my mind that my baby was going to get stabbed, other a knife would fall on her or maybe I would stab her with scissors. I didn’t want to hurt my baby, but couldn’t stop thinking about it and thinking why I was thinking about it. I hid all the knifes and scissors one day, that is also the day I talked to someone.
- I prayed going in for my csection that something bad would happen and I’d die during it so no one had to put up with me and they wouldn’t be mad at me if I did commit suicide.
- I had images and thoughts of throwing my three month old baby across the room and having him slam into the wall. I would see him slide down, lifeless and quiet. I wanted the quiet, but I did not understand how I could think of hurting my little one like that. It was terrifying. I wondered if I actually could or would act on these thoughts that I couldn’t control.
- I put off purchasing life insurance because I thought it would give me permission to off myself…
- My baby choked on his medicine. He wasn’t breathing right so we called 911. For a few minutes I thought he was going to die. Part of me was relieved he would no longer be in my life and I would no longer be a bad mom.
- I am so very scared that my mother will die before my kids will be old enough to remember her, my mom was diagnosed with dementia 5 years ago and I’m also scared that she will not remember them soon.
- I was convinced that my husband and baby would be better off without me, and thought about suicide regularly.
- Every time I closed my eyes to sleep, I could only see my hand over her face until she suffocated. She was sleeping so peacefully and hardly ever cried. I had to sleep with my mom for a week while I sought help.
- I’m terrified that will kill my baby. I feel a thrill every time I imagine holding my hand over her face until she stops breathing and I feel disgusted at the fact that I do. I want to get help, but I’m scared they’ll take her away from me if I even mention it. I would NEVER hurt my baby, but the thoughts I have.. I don’t like them. I want to get rid of them, but I feel helpless.
- When I became a new mom, I was so afraid someone wanted to come and break into my house and steal my son from my bed. It was terrifying. Now that he’ll enter school, I have terrifying images and feelings that an adult will hurt or abuse him. This anxiety I suffer from makes me feel like I have no control sometimes. They are just thoughts but I am learning how to convince myself about that. It takes a lot of time and learning the skills to control it but it’s still very hard to not let my thoughts bully my mind.
- I don’t like to talk about my birth story because I’m ashamed that I didn’t try harder. I’m ashamed that I got exhausted too soon and that I didn’t know how to control my breathing. I’m angry at myself for not making my husband practice different birthing positions and ways to reassure me. I can’t listen to other women talk about their natural and unmediated births or watch unmediated births. I feel ashamed that I couldn’t do it without an epidural.
- If I’m not playing with my baby when she’s awake or on my phone when she’s asleep my anxiety starts to take over and I can’t stop thinking about running away from her and my husband. I have to be distracted from my thoughts or I become fearful of myself and I can’t function.
- When my son was a newborn, I blamed him for my horrible labor and unplanned c-Section. I would think about taking his face with my fingernails and throwing him down the stairs. Later, when he was older and sleeping terribly, I thought about throwing him out the window.
- When I’m walking next to a road, and there’s a wall on the other side of me, I’m terrified a driver will have a heart attack or similar, and squash the pushchair and me against the wall.
- That maybe I shouldn’t have had a second kid. I love her so much yet she is so much harder then my first. My ppd is the worst it’s been and it’s to the point I wish I could just run away and never be seen again but I know I’m all they have. I’m going to start seeing a therapist hopefully soon because I know I need more help.
- When my son spends the night with his father or grandparents I don’t ever think I’ll see him alive again. I think he’ll die in his sleep and it makes me cry.
- Sometimes I miss my life before my baby. I miss the quiet. I miss the freedom. I feel guilty and selfish. On these days, I have to talk myself into being grateful for my babies and remind myself of the joy they bring to my life…some days, sadly, I still don’t believe it.
- That I’m going to die of a heart attack or some other natural cause while my husband is at work and I’m home alone with my three children. They’re too young to call 911 themselves.
- When I’m driving by myself and my 3 kids are home with my husband, I imagine something terrible faltering at home, like a gas leak or a fire, and they all die. I think about what my life would be like, how I would react, what I would do. Or what would happen if I was killed in an accident away from them. How would their lives be? How would my husband handle the children after my death?
- I lived my adult being committed to being child free.. then my partner and I wanted to have a baby. I surprisingly got pregnant easily, and started having second thoughts early on. The baby was born and I didn’t bond at all. I felt as if we’d made the worst possible mistake… as though we made the decision during temporary insanity. I grieved not being to undo it. I resented the baby, and felt like I wasn’t living my authentic life by becoming a mother. I felt it was all a sham. It’s been a tough 16 months but I finally love my baby. My partner and I wished for a way to give him back for months.
- I thought my newborn was somehow aware of and emotionally scarred by my intrusive thoughts. I was convinced he would”act out” by intetionally hurting me (pull my hair, bite while nursing) because I deserved to be punished by him for my intrusive thoughts.
- I’m not an angry or violent person but I’ve had moments of intense anger towards my son, where I’m holding him and I just want to squeeze him or throw him. Instead I cuddle him, but that moment is scary.
- I would have thoughts that I will squeeze my baby really tight and wouldn’t stop, that I would accidently drop her, or not love her when she’s born. I get so scared of having these thoughts. Scared that I might actually do it, but I know I wouldn’t. I know it’s alot of over thinking and fear, but at times it’s hard to get myself to see that just because I’m thinking like that doesn’t mean I’ll actually do it. I never think of doing it. Its more of a “what if”. I would never hurt my baby. I love her so much and can’t wait to see her and love on her and care for her.
- I am so overwhelmed by my 2 kids that I often daydream of escaping and leaving everything behind.
- I miss my life before having children. I sometimes wish I could just run and never come back home. Life without them seems more appealing. I am overwhelmed.
- I’m really sad. All the time, I love my son so much, he’s 8 months. Almost crawling, pulling himself up! He’s even usually a happy baby minus the teething. I snap over anything, I get horrible thoughts, I’d never hurt him ever but the way I think sometimes makes me feel like I am and he deserves so much better. I know I have ppd & anxiety but I’m too nervous my son will be taken to get help.
- My baby is only 8 mouths. He is very regular e peaceful. But sonetimes,when i’m tired, i would come back at my life before him.
- It’s about time for me to have another kid…I always wanted more kids. Some days, I still want more kids. But most days, I’m so afraid of living through that internal hell of postpartum depression, stress, and anxiety again. I don’t know that I would make it out alive- literally. So many days I thought- “I’m someone who shouldn’t have had any kids. I can’t handle this. This has made everything in my life worse and I regret it.” There are still some days I think that…it’s been over 2 years.
- I see my daughter falling out of my arms or someone who is carrying her, and her head smashes on the ground and is completely crushed.
- I often wonder about the sliding doors moment; what if I hadn’t gone through with my surprise pregnancy? What would life be like now?
- After I gave birth, I didn’t want to touch or hold my baby boy. I wanted to pretend that he never existed.
- I can’t stop apologising to my first born for having another baby & having less time to spend with him. I feel like the baby is ruining his life.
- Sometimes if I leave my boys as I reverse out the driveway I imagine myself speeding off and getting on a plane ans flying where no one can find me Or bother me.
- I am just so afraid sometimes that i would not love him enough. And that iam a bad mom. There was so many negative thoughts and I was trying to control my feelings and my thoughts. Now my boy is almost 18 month and it’s going better and better. So, don’t give up
- I died giving birth to my twins. Twice. And once more that night. I feel cut to the bone that I don’t remember meeting them for the first time or the first four days of their lives and so incredibly guilty that a year later I still haven’t allowed myself time to physically and mentally heal from that.
I keep hearing “if it was anything else you’d have been inhospital for weeks and on bed rest for months” why then was I feeding babies every two hours 48 hours later and discharged in a week. Why was I left for months with an open, bleeding wound and left to care for two newborns by myself after a couple weeks. I feel so resentful- words don’t help me heal, action do. Give a bottle, change a nappy, watch them so I can sleep, give me a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Or just listen to how scared, guilty and inadequate I feel.
- I couldn’t kill myself because I was pregnant. The stress and anxiety is worse than I can bear now but I can’t kill myself because “how could a mother choose to leave her baby?”.
- Dating makes me regret having my son. I want to start brand new with someone, not have baggage. I wish I waited to have a child with someone who wasn’t my abuser.
- Why do you hate me? Everyone says how happy you are, how big a smile you have, how you’re such a good baby, how blessed I am. Why then when it’s just us do you scream constantly, fight every nappy change, refuse to sleep, to feed, to engage with me? Why are you happier with anyone else but me? Or is it you feel safe and loved enough to be all those negative emotions with me? Why can’t you just smile so I know I’m doing an ok job of being your mum?
- I’m sorry you’re a twin. I’m sorry there’s no time for baby groups, or play with mommy. No time for lots of cuddles or smiles or teaching you the wonders of the world on walks round the park. I’m struggling day to day to keep you both fed, watered, clean and rested. It’s so much harder because there’s two of you needing me constantly. I feel guilty having a shower or meal when I could be spending that time with you both or separately. Worst of all I’m sorry I chose this. I chose to have two embryos transferred for my IVF. I was playing the numbers hoping this time would be the time. This time there’d be a little heartbeat. Then there were two and none of me to give to you both.
- Even though her carseat is rear facing, I am going to get rearended and she is going to be crushed to death.
- When my daughter was first born I didn’t want to hold or touch her. I had a traumatic birth and she had breathing issues at birth. I had the most intense fear that I was going to get her sick and that she would die. I also was convinced that I was going to die. I couldn’t connect with her, because my anxiety was all consuming. It became who I was. I was so afraid of germs that my hands were bleeding and raw from how often I washed. It was the darkest time in my life.
- I flip back and forth between being afraid my children will die and wanting to hurt them. I have never hurt them, but I’ve thought about it and started to act on it. I can’t understand how I could ever want to harm them when something bad happening to them is my biggest fear. My youngest is 9 months old and every day it’s constant anxiety. I’m so tired.
- If I tell someone how hard it’s been since I had my baby I can tell they’re waiting for me to say it was worth it. But I don’t think it was. Maybe I will when he’s older.
- i have bad ppd since my son was 2 months where I’m scared I’m going to suffocate him with a pillow for no reason and I picture myself doing it. It’s a horrible feeling my anxiety gets the best of me. My son is now a 16 months and i still get bad anxiety not as bad as before but still these bad thoughts of me hurting my son or how would it be or what would happen go threw my head. I still wait to get better and for it to fully go away. sometimes i even feel like giving up because its so overwhelming to deal with just about daily it makes you feel like this horrible mother because you, yourself know you love your child and wouldnt dare to hurt him.
- I’m a chef and I’m now terrified of knives. All I can imagine is the knife slipping and seriously injuring myself or others. I have to mentally prepare myself to prep food. I also make sure my son stays clear of the kitchen when I’m preparing food.
- After I had my first child he had trouble nursing and was losing weight. I felt terrible, but tried to stay positive. Midwife made me feel very bad and responsible for baby losing weight. I felt like I don’t deserve to be my baby, was afraid that he is going to die and that he will be taken away from me if he doesn’t gain weight and I will be sent to a prison or to a mental institution.
- When my son was inconsolable as an infant, all I could imagine was dropping him right where i was standing and walking away forever. I never did, but it was a constant thought.
- Sometimes I wish my husband would just divorce me so I would get a few days off each month. I am a Mama of 3, work full time, and just need a break sometimes!
- I fear that someone would steal my child out of my arms or out of his pram while we in a public place.
- When I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared and confused. My boyfriend didn’t think we were ready for a baby and my mom didn’t want me to end up like her. I had an abortion but it’s been causing me more mental stress now than ever. I regret having it so much.
- I keep thinking every little thing is something that is wrong with him. Like his jaundice is not going away fast enough so it’s going to make him seriously ill. And I keep thinking I’m going to get sick and die and leave my kids without a mom.
- Sometimes I feel like I made a huge mistake. That I shouldn’t have had these kids. That I can’t handle it. That they deserve a better mother than I. That it’s all too hard. I’m afraid I’ll mess them up. That I’ll be too anxious. That I’ll yell too much. That they’ll hate me. I’m afraid I’m doing it all wrong.
- When she cries for hours on end it’s so hard not to ‘vigorously rock’ her to sleep.
- When my first baby, my daughter, was born I went days without sleeping, 72 hours at one point, because I was worried about what I would do if she or I became a zombie. I didn’t think we would. But the absurd ‘What If’ haunted me. I also feared letting her play in her jumper by the window because of snipers (in the UK), and would move her away from the window even though I knew it was ridiculous.
- Why did we have a baby? I love him. But this is so hard. He’s ruining our marriage. I can’t go anywhere. I feel so secluded and lonely.
- I convinced myself if I asked for help, it meant I was a bad mother. When I started experiencing psychosis, it made it worse. I attempted suicide two months after my daughters first birthday. My youngest is now 3 months and I still have to convince myself needing help is not the same as weak.
I was scared to walk her (my baby). I was afraid I’d leave her stroller somewhere and walk away. I was terrified of becoming those mothers I saw on the news all the time, and I would have nightmares about what everyone would say and do. For the first four months, I was afraid to leave the house because I thought I might.
- I desperately need alone time and a break, but images of my baby being neglected in someone else’s care haunts me. I feel like I can’t trust anyone and I really need to take care of myself. I wish that my brain didn’t work this way and I could be normal.
- Anytime anyone else (but me) holds my baby, I see flashes of them tripping and her busting her head open. I see her choking on something that she was teething on. I see her drowning if they give her a bath. I see them giving her water instead of pumped milk and it killing her. I see grisly images and flashes of my baby dying, everyday.
- I think about giving away my newborn baby all the time. I research how I can put him up for adoption, and if adoption agencies won’t take him, I wonder if my husband’s parents would adopt him. If that doesn’t work out, I sometimes fantasize about leaving him at a hospital. This makes me feel like a terrible mom; who would ever want to give up their baby for adoption? The thought of giving him up for adoption makes me feel relieved and ashamed and guilty at the same time. But I can’t help but think my life and his would be so much better if I gave him away. And yet I know if he did leave my life I would be devastated. I feel so ashamed and alone.
- I feel so angry when people tell me, “This will pass.” It feels like they are minimizing the agony I am in. I feel like they don’t believe me when I say “I am overwhelmed. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.” Just because I am functioning doesn’t mean I am okay. I feel the only way anyone will understand how bad I’m feeling is if I check myself into a psych hospital, and then I’ll just be judged. I’m angry at everyone who listens to me say I’m not okay and they don’t help.
- I had gory, horrific thoughts about dropping my baby. I’d picture his injuries and be frozen in place, terrified to move in case he slipped out of my arms or I tripped. For months, I couldn’t do laundry without my husband watching him because I was terrified that I’d drop him down the steps.
- Every time my husband could freely decide to spend time with mates, work later, assume I was handling things I imagined leaving, with our unborn baby, so he was left with our 11 month old. Then I’d only have to deal with one not two under two and feel so alone.
- I’m happy having one child. For me he is enough. But I’m scared .. pressured into the thought of having more. I worry he will grow up without a sibling because I mentally couldn’t handle another baby.
- I’m scared my son won’t think I’ve done enough for him. Or that he will get taken away. Even though everything is fine. I have PTSD from my own childhood. So taking antidepressants has helped me become a better mom. I still worry.
- Anytime I hear my baby scream or cry.. I believe it’s the worst case scenario. Even though it’s not 🙁
- I can’t make her stop crying but my mother in law can, maybe I should just give up and give my baby to her.
- When he sleeps long stretches at night, I wake up worried that he stopped breathing & the movement monitor malfunctioned and didn’t alert me to the non-movement.
- That I was going to go insane and would endanger my children. Maybe I would crack while driving and drive in to a wall or I’d lose my mind while alone with them and end up hurting them.
- After the traumatic birth of my first baby I had horrendous intrusive thoughts and images of him being sexually abused (by me, by others). I became so distressed that I was eventually referred to a local perinatal mental health support service. This and medication helped and within a few months the thoughts had begun to subside. With my second baby I had recurring images of violently throwing her (out of things, into things) or knocking her against something. She had terrible colic and when she screamed the thoughts got worse. I’m feeling better now but I still have flashbacks and I think I will always reflect on those early months and years of motherhood with a feeling of loss and sadness.
- All of it. That i would leave my husband and baby and start somewhere else alone. That i cant kill myself but maybe if i could make it look like accident then it would be ok. Wish to have an accident so that i can go to hospital and escape at least for some time. Leaving the baby at those anonymous places where they will take care of him. Imagening throwing my baby, shaking him, punching him.
- All I hear is an endless stream of how ‘rewarding’, ‘magical’ ‘amazing’ being a parent is and all I can think about is how much I hate it. 2 years in and I’m yet to be struck with the ‘ah ha’ moment that makes me realize all this is worth it. I love my son, I really do but this is no where near as enjoyable as society had me believe it would be. My biggest fear is that this isn’t PND this is just me. That would make me a monster.
- When my son was 4 months old I was so depressed and felt alone… my husband and I got into a fight that day. I stood by the window with my baby in my arms and thought it would be over if I just jumped. 2 weeks later I did try to commit suicide and now my son is 10 months old. The guilt I live with everyday is excruciating and even now that I’m getting help, every now and then those scary thoughts lurk around.
- I was so overwhelmed and just wanted out of being a mother that I was secretly wishing that my baby would die from SIDS. That way I could get out of my situation without doing anything drastic. When I told my obstetrician she took me seriously and I got the help I so desperately needed.
- I’m so scared my baby is going to die in his sleep. I constantly wake up during the night to check his nose to make sure it isn’t unstructured and that the blankets are far away from his face.
- That one day as I’m driving down the road I’ll just swerve the car into a ditch or tree and just stop the pain of this depression. That’s when I went to the GP.
- I was so worried that I didn’t know how to look after my son properly that I convinced myself that he was better off without me and that I had to leave the family home to keep him safe from me and out of harm’s way. My husband and parents couldn’t reason with me and were really worried about my safety. I ended up at A&E and luckily, the psychiatrist on duty got me a place at a Mother and Baby Unit which was relatively close to home (40 miles away). I hates being there at first and went to some dark places while I was treated but I feel incredibly lucky. PPD (we call it Postnatal Depression her) is an illness. I had a brilliant psychiatrist who specialist in Post Partum mental illness. There is hope. It’s an illness. Being a mum is tough.
- I was suspicious of the 12 year old girl next door someday kidnapping my son then smothering him or leaving him outside when she realized what she’d done.
- Intrusive thoughts that my baby would fall down flight of stairs or I would throw him. I kept telling myself I would never ever do something like that and got caught up on more sleep with help from family. Luckily the unwanted thoughts went away.
- At 3 weeks old, the night before my husband was going back to work I was helping him get our 2 older kids showered before bed, our daughter wanted fed and comforted. She was crying and I couldn’t get to her just yet as I needed to get the kids out, dried off and dressed as they were still little as well. Between the increasing crying, my husband trying to talk to me and dealing with my other kids I became overwhelmed and had the most scary thought i have ever had about my kids. I thought that if my tiny baby fell down the stairs she would stop crying, I never thought about hurting herself but that scared me. I already had a history of postpartum depression so I knew what I needed to do. I sat there quietly trying to figure out things and then I told my husband. I had a prescription for prozac already just in case and started that, he canceled going back into work and worked from home a bit longer. I went to the doctor the next day and never had a thought like that again.
- After my second baby was born, I pictured him being in a fluke accident, dying, and then feeling relieved. I feel like such a monster for having those thoughts.
- Sometimes I hate being a mother. In those moments, I deeply wish that I wasn’t one. I think I’d be happier if I hadn’t had a child. I feel trapped and want to run away, but I don’t. I fear that I will just be unhappy until my child is grown, that I made the choice to have her out of societal obligation and fear of disappointing others. Then I see posts on social media about how much someone loves being a mom and how their love for their child is unlike anything they ever dreamed of and they are just so #Blessed, and I feel shame and guilt throughout my entire body and wonder desperately why I don’t feel that way
- The pause at the top of the stairs, imagining my everything, my first born, tumbling down, with me frozen atop, paralized with fear.
- I am so tired. I’m tired of being blamed for meing grumpy. I DONT SLEEP I scream. I tell my husband- I got up 20 times last night. I say it’s unfair for me to be on 24 hours a day and not get ONE night of 8 hour rest. His response is “well I work and I work 10-12 hour days”. I’m so tired of that. I’m so tired of being made to feel like I don’t have a job just because I stay home. I am on the job 24 hours a day. I’m so tired of people telling me how blessed I am to stay home- it’s not a choice. I don’t have 2,000 a month to send my kids to daycare. I’m so tired of feeling like a bad mom. I’m so tired of feeling like I could be doing better. I’m so tired of feeling guilty when I CRAVE time away- but the longest I get is a trip to the grocery store. I’m tired of going out and getting called a million times asking me questions about the kids. I’m tired of cooking every night. I’m tired of feeling like a bad wife for not wanting sex. I’m tired of being touched out. I’m so tired of being everything to everyone and being nothing to myself. I’m tired of feeling tired when I wake up. I’m tired of coming last. I’m tired of the homework/ the cleaning/ the feeding/ the changing. I know one day I’ll miss this stage. And I try and do all the perfect mom stuff. I cut my kids lunches into shapes daily, yet don’t find time to eat lunch myself. I make breakfast do four people and won’t eat until dinner. I bathe/ cuddle/ sing to the nightly yet I fall asleep crying.
I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being tired.
- In the first week I would just look at my baby and feel hopeless, that I shouldn’t get too attached to her because she would die someday because I don’t deserve her. I would look at her little fingers and imagine them getting cut off. I would think about accidentally dropping her into the oven and closing the door. I would constantly watch her breath in and out, and wouldn’t trust anyone else to be alone with her. Now that she’s 6 months, my thoughts are different but equally scary. Every single story, fictional or otherwise about anyone dying or getting hurt immediately relates to my baby in someway. Why should they be hurt or die and my baby be healthy and alive? I now think that my baby will get a brain tumour because I knew a baby that did. I have visions of a killer waiting in my house to take my baby. I worry about my father who battles depression one day snapping and hurting her. I worry about my moms ex-boyfriends breaking into her house while she’s watching the baby and hurting the baby. I purposely don’t pump milk so that I can’t be away from her for too long, and I have an excuse to leave social situations. I’m terrified for my friends to babysit her because they have a pool. I drive all the time when my baby is in the car, even though my husband is a better driver. I’m worried my husband doesn’t pay enough attention, that when she starts crawling she will strangle herself on a cord. I worry that my mom is better at taking care of my baby than I am. Im worried I’m rotting my baby’s brain by letting her watch tv. I’m worried that if I tell anyone these thoughts they will take my baby away from me. Every moment of joy that I have with my sweet baby is like a cue for an intrusive thought to come in and piss all over that joy. I’m never without them.
- My thoughts are so scary that I can’t even bear to post them.. constant images of harm coming to my baby, sometimes by me. I’d never do any of these things and the intrusions are crippling. I struggle with guilt and often think
my baby deserves better.
- Father in law: if we can’t touch him! How is he going to build his immunities!
What I’m really thinking: don’t tell me how yo raise my son! It’s my choice how to raise him! His immunities are my choice and my concern not yours! I hate you! If you touch him he will get sick and go to the hospital!
- I fear that one day I’m going to snap and scream at my sweet innocent baby and completely traumatize her. I fear the same for my older daughter.
- In the days after my son’s birth, we had to use gauze to dress his circumscision wound. We had a pair of scissors in the caddy on the changing table to cut the gauze. One day when he was screaming while I was changing him, the thought flashed through my mind to hurt him with the scissors. I was deeply disturbed and ashamed by this thought – I loved (and love) my son so dearly. Every time I saw those scissors it triggered me to have the thought again. Eventually I realized I had to move those scissors. I now know that it is common to have scary thoughts in your postpartum period and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. I wish I had known that at the time.
- My baby had a lot of trouble latching. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when she wouldn’t stop screaming long enough to latch, I would envision throwing her across the room and her body hitting the wall.
- I had a tough recovery after a c section. I asked for help. Nobody would come. I almost ended both of us. I thought I couldn’t handle my son but knew no one else would raise him the way I feel he should be. I thought he’d be better off dying with me.
- I would be driving down the road with my baby in the car and think “what if I just ran off this bridge” “what if I just crashed my car” “I would feel so much better”. I have an amazing support system, but yet feel so alone.
- I thought it would just be easier if my baby caught the most recent deadly virus going around. It would just end all of the suffering.
- Something bad will happen to me and my baby will be raised by my husband and mother in law and will not get all of the love and attention I give to her.
- I’m terrified that my baby will get sick. While I was pregnant a friend’s week old grandchild was visited by a person with a virus and ended up in the NICU. That played and replayed in my mind. I didn’t want visitors in the hospital. The ones I allowed couldn’t hold the baby. Once I was home, I didn’t accept visitors or leave for 6 weeks. My husband couldn’t even hold the baby unless he had washed to the elbows or just took a shower. This morphed into obsessive hand washing to the point of having cracked bleeding hands, using tons of hand santitzer and many many baby wipes. If baby was to be put down, it had to be on a clean blanket. If baby accidentally touched something my mind deemed unclean, out came the wipes. Family members kissing or touching baby set off loud warning bells in my head. If I touch something that might have germs, I physically feel them until I wash my hands.My brain screams at me. I itch to take her and wash her and put her in a bubble. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t stop. I am hyper aware of when people cough or sneeze anywhere within hearing distance. If I leave the house and go out in public, I shower to remove germs before I feel clean enough to hold my baby again. It doesn’t matter that it’s not logical, my head is telling me that I must act or else. It also tells me that ‘well if she gets sick it won’t be YOUR fault’. It’s debilitating. It’s so very time consuming. Constantly cleaning. Constantly bleaching the floor, the counters, the tables. No one even comes in my house and I still feel the need to do this! I want this to pass. I pray it will pass. I just want to suddenly be normal again. I have always been a slight germaphobe/clean freak but this OCD…I am so tired. The worrying, I am so so tired of all the worrying.
- Everytime I carry my baby, I am afraid that I will drop him or hit his head with something. I always check him if he is still breathinf and often times prepare myself for the worst.
- That my baby and other child would be better off without me.
- I had one intrusive thought and it was always the same. Similar to #2 above but more that just dropping the baby. At times I had flashed thoughts of holding my child by the ankles and slamming him on the floor. It was more of a 2 second daymare, not a “vision” or a thought really. Of course I would never do anything to hurt him and it thankfully gave me more patience and compassion the moment after having such a intense and scary thought but I didn’t understand why the same thought kept coming to me. In a way I used the thought to take away my frustrations and anger like a stress ball.
- I hate holding knives in my hand, I get a overwhelming thought about stabbing my baby. Being a sahm I have to do atleast 2 loads of dishes a day, I wish someone else would do it so I wouldn’t have to do it.
- I woke up in the middle of the night, terrified that I’d left my baby on the changing table and gone back to bed. I was frozen and unable to get out of bed to check if I had actually done that and was going to find her smashed on the floor. Luckily, she was sleeping peacefully in her bassinet next to my bed.
- I often think I’d be better off without my kids and have imagery of me suffocating them or thinking they might die in a car accident. Im then ruined by so much guilt…. Why kind of person thinks those things.
- If anyone knew how depressed I was, they’d take my baby and give her to someone else, and if I failed as a mother and didn’t have my baby, what would be the point of living?
- Sometimes I’m so exhausted I feel like I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I’m afraid to tell anyone. I’m afraid they will take my babies and I will never see them again.
- I thought my baby would die in the womb or be stillborn so I didn’t want to have a connection with him while pregnant.
- He was a fertility treatment baby. I was sure I couldn’t conceive and when he came along I had such a hard time (still sometimes do) accepting that I am a mother and that I am supposed to be a mother. I expected to suddenly transform into a patient, selfless, endlessly kind person when I gave birth and when I discovered that those things take time (they don’t magically happen straight away) I fell apart. I was also unable to breastfeed and felt like a complete failure. I was convinced I’d cheated nature and that I wasn’t cut out for being a mother.
- ON HIS FIRST WEEK BORN THERE WAS A VOICE IN MY HEAD SCREAMING ALL DAY THIS WORDS ” Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)” ALL DAY, OR EVERYTIME HE WOULD GO TO SLEEP.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE SICK AND ASK ME TO HOLD HIM.
I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED AND I HAVE THINK ON DOING THAT TO MY SON AND THEN I THINK ABOUT KILLING MYSELF FOR ONLY THINKING ABOUT THAT.
WHEN I FEED HIM WITH FOOD I FEEL HE IS GOING TO CHOKE.
I HAVE THIS FEAR THAT IF HE DIES AND I WOULD KILL MYSELF. IF SOMETHING EVER HAPPENS TO HIM…I WOULD DIE.
- What if my baby didnt breathe when i sleep? This was there until my mom came for my help. And i didnt switch off my room lights for a whole week.
- The thought of death put so much fear and anxiety into my world everyday, i would imagion terrible situations resulting im my baby dying, my dying and leaving her mother less or my husband dying. I even used to repeatedlly to wake up countless times a night and frantically look for her in the bed, thinking i had dropped her or smothered her, even though she only ever slept in the cot next to me.
- I felt my daughter was a punishment for trying to get pregnant after loosing a baby.I had my son already and I thought that should have been enough. Like I should have never pushed for something that was not meant to be. I felt I was a terrible person. Like I deserved to Die and my children deserved a new mother. She is 3 now and I still have uneasy feelings.
- I did not like breastfeeding. It didn’t hurt but it made me nauseous and the sensation of suckling was gross to me. I tolerated pumping more because it was faster. I nursed my baby for 15 months but I didn’t want to. It was for him, his health. To maybe catch some extra sleep By satiating him with a boob. Also I couldn’t afford any alternate like natural formula or donated milk. I hated breastfeeding. I hated the bras, the sweat, the neck ache due to the football hold. About a year after I was done, I had a breast reduction and lift. My breasts are now mine, small and soft.
- After being diagnosed with a liver condition and being told I had an increased risk of a stillbirth, I didn’t let myself get attached. I was convinced my baby would die.
My baby was born healthy, but after distancing myself so much during the pregnancy, I barely touched her. PND struck. I’d cry every time she needed me. The fear of becoming attached and losing her was too great.
- I am heartily sick to death of changing dirty diapers. I hate having to feed them. Every mealtime is a trial. It wears me to the bone to have to clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, endlessly. The kids aren’t happy to play with the million toys they have. They insist on running away upstairs to tear the books off the shelves in their rooms, or throw their toys all over, or mess up the spare bed, or beg for a bath and throw everything out from under the sink. Or they’re downstairs messing up the DVDs, wreaking movies, throwing more books out of the bookcases. Or on the main floor lifting the covers off the heat registers and hurling toys down them never to be retrieved. Or, if they do touch any of their gagillion toys, it’s to stand the box on end and send them scattering all over the entire floor and leave them there.
- I’d walk past knives and imagine picking up the knife and stabbing or cutting my son. I’d see blood on him. So incredibly horrifying. I never intended to cause harm yet these thoughts looped. I’d imagine dropping my son accidentally down the stairs and watch him fall. I made it a few weeks with my secret even with my doula preparing me for this possibility. I spoke my secret to my husband and found great, instant relief in doing so. The thoughts gradually subsided with more support and openness about my experience.
- Ever since having my son i find myself often wishing my husband would die because he’s become a burden on me.
- I was so relieved when someone else would hold, feed, or be accountable for the baby. I wanted to leave my husband and baby and move away, alone. I was afraid to sleep. My stomach dropped every time she awoke. Every time she cried I wanted to run. Every time she didn’t nap, or wouldn’t settle, I felt like the biggest failure in the world.
- I keep having ruminating thoughts of me hurting my child in various ways. This happens with simple thoughts but mostly images. I know now this is common but I’m definitely going to seek therapy.
- I was never a person that battled with anxiety, but ever since the birth of my daughter my anxiety has become dibilitating. I think about sexually abusing my child even though I am constantly fighting with my thoughts because that’s not the person I amz I would never do anything to harm my child. I am so tired of having this intrusion in my mind that I feel like I could kill myself just so I never have to think again. I was raped as a teenager which was extremely traumatic but I thought I had moved past my pain and emotions, then after the birth of my daughter which was incredibly traumatic and painful the pain seems to have come rushing back. I’m too scared to talk to someone and get help because I’m scared people will judge me or take my child away, I can’t tell my husband because I don’t think he will understand. The thoughts are so heart breaking to the point where I don’t even want to deal with my daughter anymore, her crying and me feeling overwhelmed seems to be a trigger for these thoughts.
- These are small snapshots of what postpartum anxiety, and postpartum OCD can look like. What things look like from the outside can be deceiving. This is for all the other moms who have struggled, and continue to struggle, on top of the daily challenges of caring for an infant. I am with you.
What it looks like from the outside:
A leisurely morning stroll down the street in the sunshine with baby.
What it looks like from the inside: Imagining every car that drives by jumping the curb and killing us both instantly. Every insect that flies near us might sting the baby, and put her into anaphylaxis. Checking, and rechecking the baby’s sunglasses to make sure the sun isn’t in her eyes, and then checking again, and then again 30 seconds later, because the sunglasses may have slipped the moment before, and the sun is probably burning holes in her retinas. Crossing the street to avoid other people, in case they accidentally cough or sneeze in our direction. Worrying that the distant fumes of car exhaust or cigarette smoke are exposing the baby to carcinogens, and then convinced that she is going to end up with cancer— imagining her in the pediatric cancer ward, pale and thin, sick from chemo treatments… Maybe we shouldn’t have gone for a walk. This wasn’t a good idea. I can’t protect my baby out here. Everything feels unsafe.
What it looks like from the outside:
A short drive from point A to point B.
What it looks like on the inside:The constant fear that a random projectile will break through the window and kill the baby. Continuously checking and rechecking the rear view mirror when coming to a stop to make sure the driver behind you isn’t going to rear end you. The paralyzing fear of getting t-boned driving through a 4-way intersection, and avoiding intersections that expose the baby’s side of the car to possible collision.
Constantly checking in the rear view mirror to make sure the baby still looks alive. Tensing up whenever a car passes going in the opposite direction, imagining that they will suddenly swerve into my lane. Constantly questioning whether the car is making an unusual sound, and imagining that we are going to break down, or that the engine is going to explode. I have to keep thinking about the car, because if I stop worrying about it, something will surely go wrong.
What it looks like from the outside:
Baby sleeping peacefully in her crib.
What it looks like from the inside:
What if the baby stops breathing in her sleep? What if she starts choking in the night while I am sleeping, and I don’t hear her? What if she accidentally rolls onto her side and suffocates silently, and I find her dead in the crib? What if she somehow pulls something over her face, and suffocates? What if she gets her arm caught in the bars of the crib, and her arm breaks? Does her face look pale? Does it look blue? I should feel her face to make sure she isn’t cold. I should feel her chest to make sure it’s still rising and falling. Am I imagining that her chest is moving? Maybe I should try to wake her up a little, just to make sure I’m not imagining that she’s still alive…
I should check that she’s breathing one more time before I try to sleep.(2 minutes later.)I should get up and just check one more time, because if she stopped breathing in the last 2 minutes, there’s still time to try to resuscitate her without too much oxygen deprivation, and if I don’t check this one time, it might be the one time she actually stopped breathing.
What it looks like from the outside:
Baby’s first trip to the airport.
What it looks like from the inside:
Literally every surface is covered in germs. I can practically see the layer of germs everywhere. Big germs. Deadly germs. Germs that live on surfaces for days, in a place where tens of thousands of people come and go daily. I can almost see the contaminated air hanging like a fog around us. Every single person that we pass is probably carrying some kind of horrific, asymptomatic disease. And we are all breathing this same, recycled air. I can’t breath. Every person is a danger to my baby— swarms of people. There is not enough hand sanitizer in the world for this place. I become hyper aware of every cough and every sneeze, convinced that my baby has just inhaled an airborne pathogen that will surely result in her becoming deathly ill. I’m shaking. I imagine her hooked up to a respirator in the PICU, lines and ports everywhere, monitors beeping. I feel hot rage whenever I sense someone come too close. I slather hand sanitizer on bags, purses, handles, and cell phones, trying to maintain control, clinging to the hope that it will provide a semblance of protection from the diseases. I put it on the baby’s hands. I’m sweating. I obsess over what parts of the luggage might have touched the ground, or the seat, and make mental notes constantly not to touch those parts with our hands, or items that we will then touch with our hands. I coat the bottle of hand sanitizer with hand sanitizer. And then I do it again, just in case. I’m exhausted, and we haven’t even gone through security yet. I fear that I am not effectively protecting my baby.
What it looks like from the outside:
A picture of mom holding her baby, smiling.
What it looks like from the inside:
Chaos. Fear. Paralysis. Obsession. Isolation. Worry. Panic. Exhaustion. Anger. Sadness. Catastrophe. Pain. Failure.
- I love my baby but resent her at the same time. I miss my old life and sometimes feel like my life was better before she was born. I feel so guilty and ashamed for feeling like this.
Breastfeeding has also caused me a huge amount of anxiety. I constantly worry that I’m not producing enough milk and that I’m starving her, but I feel too ashamed to give her formula. If I give her formula then my in-laws will want to feed her too and I’ll have to hand my baby over to them and our mother-daughter bond won’t be as strong if other people feed her.
- I keep having ruminating thoughts of me hurting my child in various ways. This happens with simple thoughts but mostly images. I know now this is common but I’m definitely going to seek therapy.
- I was afraid of leaving my baby alone with anyone, that someone would sexually abuse her. Sometimes even questioning my parents and husband. It was crazy- they would never but I was so scared.
I became hyper aware of germs, afraid of anyone touching her. blood draining from my body and heart palpitations anytime someone sneezed next to her or touched her hands or face. She had spent some days in the nicu for a rare bellybutton infection so I thought that might be why, but with my second child now it’s happening again.
I hated it when people would hold my baby and then walk away from me to rock her. I only felt she was safe when she was in my arms. I was ALWAYS on edge. Everything was out to harm my baby, car exhaust while walking her outside, smokers outside when we were at a restaurant- every. Single. Thing. Could have hurt her. I didn’t ever want to leave the house
- When my first daughter was born, I was afraid everyone but me would hurt her. I wouldn’t let anyone hold her for months. I had visions of them dropping her down the stairs. I had extreme post partum anxiety. We tried for a second, and I had a miscarriage. After that, I had a desperate need to find a gun because I wanted to shoot myself in the head. I don’t know where that came from – I’ve never been suicidal.
- I started having intrusive thoughts about jumping off balconies after my first miscarriage. After two more miscarriages the thoughts about jumping became worse. Now I am an overjoyed new mum with a five month old baby. But my joy is now being interrupted by intrusive thoughts about us both jumping off the balcony, or worse, me dropping her off the edge while we’re on a balcony. It’s so scary because it’s taken us five years to have our first child, why in the world would my brain think about hurting her?
- My third baby was not a planned pregnancy and we were shocked and not exactly thrilled. Third baby turned out to be very fussy, very needy and high strung. I had a wild two year old and a very emotional 6 year old. I also suffered with the worst post partum anxiety of my three babies. I actually said to my husband through tears one night, during a bout of colic “I kind of hate her.” The longer I experienced life with this baby the more I kept thinking “I know why mothers kill their babies and children. I know how it happens.” Before this I always thought “I just don’t know how a mother could kill her kids.” Having those thoughts was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced.
- I was out for a run with both my little guys in the double jogging stroller. As I followed the path down a slight incline toward a pond my mind immediately jumped to the thought of me losing control of the stroller and it rolling right into the water. Working out was a major stress outlet for me yet here I was again being overwhelmed with thoughts of tragic ends for my babies.
- I thought my parents would come and take my baby away from me. I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid she’d die. I was nervous every time I held or carried her because I was afraid I’d drop her. I felt like I as living in a nightmare.
- I only recently gave birth to my son and now that we are home I’m afraid of already failing him as a mother. I worry about not being abke to give him the right care and that he will die especially of SIDS. It’s a terrible thought to wake up one morning to him dead in his crib. I only just got him and I’m already scared I will loose him.
- Recurring dreams of being without my son then racing home to find him dead in his swing. Constant “visions” of dropping him or hitting his head on something. I saw myself stepping off the curb and into oncoming traffic because I wanted to kill myself.
- I’m scared I’ll develop psychosis and hear voices to kill my child and do it. I have images of holding my sons head under water. I imagine dropping a knife and it killing him. I worry about him getting knives or a glass and running and dying with it. On my way to daycare I prepare myself for his death.
My son is attractive but a voice in my head tells me his ugly. The most disturbing is when a voice says to touch my son sexually! It’s so distressing.
- I had known about the nature of scary thoughts so when I first had my baby when I had one I would easily brush it off. It wasn’t until someone told me a story of someone else having a scary thought and the judgment they placed on it made me feel I wasn’t normal for having scary thoughts. This shot my anxiety up and the thoughts started increasing with intensity, this made me feel even more like something was wrong. I feared psychosis so with fear, my thoughts grew and grew and got scarier and scarier. The sad part is, I turned for help after the first initial thought that scared me. I saw three different therapists that were not educated ion postpartum distress and I had one nurse practioner tell me it that she “thought” it was psychosis. My anxiety sky rocketed and my thoughts increased even more in intensity. I fell into a depression due to the nature of the thoughts and the guilt and judgment I placed on myself for having them. I’m still working through it today but it’s gotten easier, especially once I found this site. If I would have just had access or a healthcare would have had access to this when I initially reached out I wonder where I would be. Regardless, I’m glad I now have this information so I can help other women not have the experience I did.
- I have a premature baby girl. She weighs less than 5 lbs. I am so afraid that if i leave her side she might choke or suffocate etc. So i just stay up and watch her and feed her. I csnt think of anything else but keeoing her safe. My anxiety has consumed me and im loosing the joy of being her mom.
- I feel like i am a monster when i look at the reflection in the mirror and have so much shame and guilt for having so many thoughts that my kids would be better off without me, or that they hate me and I am a failure. I also want to yell at the babies to be quite and shut up so I can have 5 minutes to myself.
- I had a c section and was convinced I would get a blood clot and die and never see my baby girl grow up.
- I freak out if hubby takes baby anywhere without me as I’m convinced they will get in an accident and die. I don’t want to lose the 2 most important people in my life.
- A month after my son was born, my best friends & I gathered together for a low key girls night. I cornered my best friend and told her that I was afraid I’d made a horrible, horrible mistake and that I was a failure for feeling like I could ever even begin to think I could be a mother to someone. Let alone this sweet baby I’d been given who depended on me. At the time I thought it was the most shameful, despicable thing & that I was a terrible person. I know now that is was postpartum anxiety and depression relentlessly whispering at me to doubt & shame myself.
- I just want to run away on some days. I dream about sitting in the car and just driving to nowhere and leaving my 3 kid for just 1 day to myself- from morning to night. The youngest being a newborn and breastfeeding- that would be terrible and I don’t think I could ever do that him.
- I have a fear my baby has cancer or that both my kids do and somehow they will be taken away. I feel they are too beautiful and I don’t know what I did to deserve them.
- What if the baby was dropped or thrown or was in my arms while I fell down our stairs?
- I’m afraid I’m going to accidentally drop my baby. And then I’m afraid im going to drop my baby on purpose (even though I never would). Every time my mind thinks of her being dropped she dies. Naming this though as anxiety and not reality helps me… but none the less it’s gut wrenching…
- That I’m going to die and leave my children motherless and they will have absolutely no idea who I am.
- I love when other people hold my baby. I tell them it’s because I get to hold her all day at home… When in reality, I am grateful to have my arms free because I fear I am going to drop her. I am terrified to bath her if I am alone because what if she drowns? The fear is constant. I love my baby. I love her with whole heart. But I am convinced that if something bad happens, it will be because of me.
- My husband was out of town and as I was unplugging the Christmas lights, I imagined myself being electrocuted while my kids were asleep in their beds. What would happen to them?! I imagined my baby crying alone in his crib all night and my older child finding me. How would he get help? I was terrified at the thought. The thoughts come and go like a flash- but they are so intense.
- Every time my baby coughs or gags or stops making sounds I am immediately think he is choking to death. It makes my whole body seize with fear.
- Sometimes as a clinician, I become acutely aware of the burden of knowledge. I saw every unique quality as a sign that he had brain damage, a heart condition, autism, failure to thrive, a skull malformation, allergies, a metabolic disorder… on and on. I would become overwhelmed by the thoughts of everything that could go wrong, and secretly get so upset at his pediatrician for not seeing these concerns.
- I could sleep pretty well if my husband or mum was with me but I refused to nap while alone with the baby. I was convinced I would wake up to find she had died of SIDS even though I obsessively followed the safe sleeping guidelines. I took my first nap “alone” when my daughter was 8 weeks old after I went to a support group for women with PND&A and learnt that I wasn’t the only Mum having these kinds of scary thoughts.
- Where to even begin? The list seems so long that it may just be easier to blurt them out so here goes; I worry that I’ll fall down the stairs as I carry my baby. I worry that I’ll drop him on accident. I worry one of my pets will accidentally hurt him. I worry about anyone besides my husband and I kissing him and getting him sick. I worry that he isn’t doing well. I worry that we aren’t giving him all that he needs. I worry that this stress will ruin my relationship with my husband and that my crazy mood swings and over all overwhelming sadness will make him leave me. Sometime I just miss the times before the baby. When I didn’t worry as much and didn’t feel like my heart was outside my body… So fragile and out of my control. I miss a simpler time when it was just me. I have always felt so sure of myself and confident. But as a new first time mom I’m full of doubt and fear. My son seems so fragile and I just worry that I’m not enough for him. I’m starting to realize that I really need to go on meds. I can’t live like this anymore. I just want to enjoy my son and my husband without feeling inadequate any longer.
- I thought about my killing my children. I picture myself in prison because I murdered both my girls. This horrible intrusive thought has plaqued my mind ever since my second child has been born. To such a point that I’m scared to have anymore kids in case these thoughts intensify.
- Sometimes I wish I had a girl baby because maybe my mum would be around more and maybe I wouldn’t feel depressed my little boy is “the kid” that is intense and everyone else’s boys are lovely and I feel like crying when I see little girl clothing because I wish I had a baby girl.
- I did not feel depressed and I did not recognize anxiety, so I did not notice my strange thoughts as strange, anxious, or symptomatic for too long.
I kept falling asleep making mental checks of all the electrical I had unplugged or shut off, and then planning, in a sleep-deprived haze, how to get us both out of the house if there was a fire. This went on for nights. These thoughts kept me awake, had me awaken to check and to listen. These thought made my heart beat faster, kept my eyes from shutting, and kept a restless energy under my skin and in my mind which tried in vain to problem solve them.Then, one night, as I followed my plans on how to keep us safe and how to get out of a burning house, my brain brought flames up the stairs trapping us – what if that happened, what would I do?I realized it would be better to drown her than have her burn. I began to imagine drowning her. How I would manage it quickly and with comfort.As I imagined it, I began to feel relief from the intrusive fire thoughts. This made sense. It just began to make sense. I was almost convinced then that it was a matter if time before the house were to burn down and I would have to drown my daughter. I would have to go, too, of course. At an 10 week check up, I mentioned that I was having strange thoughts. I had heard someone call my name the night before; I had yelled out in answer and found no one there. That had me realize that something was going on- something wasn’t quite right.
As I spoke to him, I felt very separate and cut off, like my tiny daughter and I had already left this world, but something within me had enough clarity regarding this voice and the thoughts to mention them.”Sleep deprivation”, he said, “Give it a couple more weeks, come see me if nothing changes.”
That was the wrong answer.
- I am currently stuggling with postpartum depression and anxiety. It all hit me when I abruptly stopped Nursing. I had a hormonal crash. It first started with me thinking i was going to die and my son would not have a mother. Then the thoughts spiraled out of control to thinking my mental health would get worse to something more severe like psychosis, schizophrenia, or bipolar and I would be institutionalized and would not be able to take care of my son. I just have thoughts of one day waking up and all of a sudden hearing voices or seeing things. Or just losing my mind and not being able to be there for my son.
- I worry every single day that we will be involved in a car crash and we will lose her! This started in pregnancy and still won’t go away! Just love her so much and I feel like we’re too lucky and it will all be taken away from us!
- After I stopped nursing my son around 6 months i developed severe postpartum anxiety and depression. It started with me thinking I was going to die and my son would grow up motherless. The thoughts have since spiraled out of control to me thinking I am going to wake up one day seeing things or hearing voices. To me thinking I am going to get schizophrenia or psychosis and end up institutionalized and not be able to be in my sons life. I constantly remind myself that I have none of the symptoms of those disorders by my mind keeps going back to “what if”. Like what if all of a sudden I wake up and I have one of the disorders…
- Everytime in the car I picture the car smashing into the back of me and crushing my son. I also have a fear when walking with my kids in the grocery cart in the parking lot that someone is going to hit the cart and I can picture the most Gruesome images in my head and it TERRIFES me.
- I’m.currently pregnant with baby #2, from husband#2 and I wish every single day that I had gotten an abortion instead of continuing the pregnancy. With my first, I divorced 6 months after she was born from an abusive, manipulative husband. I had no extended family or friends to help with raising an infant, so I don’t look back on that time period as being filled with joy and happiness even though we made it out of that period. Everyone sees me as a strong and good mom, but I hate doing it. I’ve put everyone’s needs before my own and I don’t feel as if my life has any value. I feel as if I just get to make babies, work, and die. I don’t want to bring my second baby home from the hospital. I want to give birth and run away from my life.
- I keep waiting for the part of motherhood where everyone says it’s worth it. “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days and all I’ve eaten today are cold, half-eaten chicken nuggets, but it’s all so worth it when I look into my child’s eyes.” I don’t feel that, and I’m terrified I never will.
- I only feel like a good mom on the easy days.
- My son is almost 2 and it’s only now im feeling like PND is kicking in. He hits me, bites me, punches me, he prefers his father or his Nanna over me, he doesn’t listen, im constantly under stress about going anywhere with him that I’ve ended up isolating myself. Everyone keeps telling me that his behaviour is NORMAL toddler behaviour, that they pick favourites and they are challenging their boundaries, when people tell me that it just makes me more frightened. Because I cannot cope with it. I don’t feel like I have a handle on it at all, and this stage lasts years. Im afraid im going to officially loose my mind. I don’t want to parent a toddler. I don’t feel like I CAN parent a toddler.
- I am afraid this is all life has to offer and I regret my decision to have kids. Washing dishes the other day with my baby on my back, I imagined a knife slipping out of my hand and stabbing me in the neck, and bleeding to death in front of her. Walking across a busy street pushing my older son in the buggy and carrying my infant daughter, I regularly imagine being hit by a car and our bodies strewn across the pavement. I also love my kids so much it hurts, and brings tears to my eyes.
- I cant bring myself to even type out some of the thoughts I have had. Many times my rage towards my babies would climax overnight, when I just wanted to sleep. I would storm out of the house at some crazy hour, like 1-3 am and just run and walk around my neighborhood until I could see clearly again.
Thankfully, my husband was home at nights, so this was safe. Also, I am not a runner. It always blew mind my how much ground I could cover in these fits.
Mommas, We made it thru. You can too, get help!My youngest is approaching 6 years old!!!
- I breastfeed my baby at night and sometimes I fall asleep for a bit. I wake up hysterical and scared, I feel that one day I will suffocate her, so I keep myself up most of the night and don’t sleep.
- Leaving my daughter with a babysitter who has some emotional trauma.My daughter hearing or seeing horror movies, I don’t want to have her see it at all.
Any person abusing her once she starts to get older. Not eating enough (so sometimes I feel like I’m overfeeding her). A babysitter abusing her, or yelling/ swearing at her for just being a baby My baby being taken away from me by anyone. Everytime I go to work far (for hours or overnight), feeling guilty and thinking that I’m traumatizing my daughter
- My mother in law will find a way to steal my baby away. She’s waiting like a beast stalking a prey. I’m constantly anxious around her. My husband doesn’t even bat an eye. I hope to get divorce or move out sooner, cause I can’t stand being around her.
- I am so so scared of sids. I sit for hours and hours googling the statistics and likelihood of it happening and no matter what it never makes me feel any better. I am terrified she will catch a cold and stop breathing and I will wake to find she has stopped breathing. She’s 9 months now and honestly this whole first 9 months, all my maternity leave, it’s all been under this cover of constant anxiety and terror. I have read so many articles on SIDS and I can’t stop myself doing it. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I’m just absolutely terrified the whole time and even when I have ‘good’ days the images and thoughts are in the back of my mind. Someone coughing o blowing their nose can leave me in tears. I don’t know how to stop it.
- I felt like I was guilty and bad Mother because I thought my baby got in the way because I had to feed him and that I was dying for a really long break of him.
- Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here. Dead or alive doesn’t matter. I wish that I wouldn’t wake up to the daily stress that my child brings. How is it that I have two totally adaptable children and one that literally brings me to my knees daily. I’ve felt for so long that I wish I hadn’t had him, and unfortunately have even told him that. I hate being his mom.
- What if she our he doesn’t like me back! I don’t want to be an old mother! I dont want to get up in the middle of the night! Ugh parenting some other people’s kids and then get mad how you raise them!
- I try to remain cheerful , I continue to be playful and affectionate , I mother him in the best way I know how , I love him deeply, but I’m not sure my son would even realize if I wasn’t around. His world begins and ends with his dad. I’m terrified that this will never change and i’ll never be anything more than the shadow in the background that cleans up, feeds him, and arranges the house.
- strong heavy screaminh 9 month old baby standing up in crib 3am in refusing to lay down and go sleep, just bend your legs lie down- wish you had no legs, break your legs, wish you weren’t here Rahhhhhhhh
- big one- my 3 year old fell elbow first onto my 4 week old baby face- sleep deprived etc etc i lost it. I hit my 3 year old. My baby fine- shocked but not hurt. My 3 year old fine- although in a state i didn’t actually hurt him. I felt awful went hospital got help of psychiatric nurses and social services and meds and diagnosed postpartum depression stress.
- Whenever my mil do something for my newborn i fear she is going to separate my daughter from me. I feel like she is trying to be a mom to my daughter.
- I had no idea what postpartum depression actually is. I had no idea that you can actually love and bond with your baby while you suffer. I thought I just sucked at being a mom and couldn’t handle the pressure.
- I’m worried I don’t like my baby enough. She’s had colic and acid reflux, lots of trouble sleeping and nursing, really bad jaundice (she was on the light tables). It’s been a rough time for us and while I love my baby, some days it’s hard to feel like I like her. I’m counting down the days till she can sleep well again or crawl or sit on her own because somehow these things will make everything better, make me like her more, but they seem like a century away. And I worry that makes me unfit to be her mom. Also, I’m truly terrified of SIDS or that something will happen to my mom or husband, and I will then have to raise her on my own.
- My ex boyfriend who was violent and had a psychotic episode several years ago (we broke up and he moved back to canada), stalked me online for years after we broke up. I then didn’t hear from him and I moved on and got married and had my baby. He always talked about wanting a baby. My scary thought that i get several times a day, is that he tries to stalk me again and he finds my new married name on Facebook, finds out I have had a baby and comes all the way over from Canada to kill us or have someone kill us. Or at some point, he will find out where we live and cause problems. This fear is very real to me and It has a big impact on me, i feel im always looking over my shoulder.
- I am a single mother, basically by choice. I knew from the beginning that I would be raising my child alone. I loved being pregnant and being a mother. Even the crying screaming at 2am, all the poopy diapers, and spit up, the exhaustion, the struggles of breastfeeding. I’m so grateful for my little angel and for this super hard journey. I know that my life wouldn’t be complete without her. Sometimes I imagine something bad happens to her and I lose her and then I take my own life. Sometimes, I have these horribly intrusive sexual thoughts about her. It makes me feel crazy and horrible. But at the same time, I am fully aware that it’s my brain doing something weird. I’m aware that it’s not me and that I would never hurt my girl. But I feel so ashamed for having such disturbing thoughts.
- I’m having chronic severe sleep deprivation. I’m getting less than 6 hrs of sleep. When I wake at night due to baby, moving, noise,etc… I am immensely angry. So enraged to the point that I’m sitting there thinking about all the ways I could (shut her up) just so I can get sleep. I want to hit things and yell and scream. I have to remove myself from the bedroom or it feels like I’m going to snap and those thoughts will become actions. So I’m sitting there crying all night because of these thoughts and the guilt and shame I feel for thinking them.
- I constantly daydream about leaving my husband. Daily. He never helps, our marriage has changed drastically and I do everything in the house. He basically comes home to eat my food and goes to work. This is a scary thought for me because I am 23 and only one year into marriage. Will it always be like this?! Even if I left him, would this happen with another man?! Is this just how it is?!
- I thought Postpartum OCD and psychosis were the same. I thought my intrusive thoughts of the most disturbing nature meant I’m crazy. I thought wrong. I’m not alone. You’re not a monster. They will not take your child from you because you compulsively fixate on worries. You’re not alone.
- My baby has reflux and I worry I will wake up to find him dead due to chocking on his own vomit. I also worry I might drop him or fall down the stairs and crush him.
- When I’d get mad because the baby wouldn’t stop crying, I would think what if I just drop the baby and the baby would hit the floor . Or after a sleepless night and putting the baby in the car to go to the babysitters, I think what if I just left the baby outside and drove away. Or sometimes even before I had a baby I would think about just driving off the freeway overpass.
- I’m due with my 4th in 7 days. The stress and anxiety I get with my other 3 have me worried. I’m scared that I will fall into postpartum depression and want to kill myself.
I have been having a lot of problems with stress, anxiety and depression the last couple of months, to the point where I have had break downs and could hardly breathe. My kids don’t need a perfect mom but they do need a happy one. I’ve completely lost myself over the last couple of years.
- Am so tired and forgetful and terrified that I will make mistakes that will harm my baby… Like absentmindedly putting her in the oven or her falling out of my arms…
Sometimes i just stop mid-step and realise i feel like an empty husk. That there is nothing in me anymore and all i do is on automatic. Some mornings i don’t want to get up.. Then i think. ‘let me just feed her one last time and once the store opens someone can get her formula’ and then after that feed.. I.think that maybe i can manage the morning.. The crawl through the afternoon.. And make it through the evening…Then i spend the night trying to discover who i am. And yet worrying about all the ways i am failing.. And morning comes and i do it all over again.
- When my beautiful baby boy was eight weeks old a Facebook friend shared a news story about a dad who had sexually abused his child. I didn’t read it but found the headline deeply upsetting and thought to myself ‘How could anyone do this to a child’? This one story and one question seemed to open my mind to the most awful, dreadful, scary images and the more I tried to remove them from my mind the more they came back. I was scared to hold my baby, change his nappy, bathe him, even love him for fear that I would have these thoughts. I thought it meant I was bad. I thought it meant I shouldn’t have children. I have never felt so distressed and alone. I didn’t want these thoughts but they were torturing me. I am feeling better (I hate saying that in case I bring the thoughts back) but I still have to work hard to be the me I was before I read this one news article headline.
- I love babies. But I 100% sure the reality of having 6 children, 2 under 2 will kick in when this new bub is i1-2weeks old. I’m going to struggle. I’m absolutely terrified the the pp anxiety and depression iv had/still got is going to get worse. The dr has made me terrified of giving birth because he keeps reminding me at every appointment how much higher the chance of pp haemorrhage is with #6. I dunno. This week has been fucking awful. And it’s only Wednesday.
- What if he isn’t smart, what if he falls victim to others manipulation because he is naive. What if he grows up and still needs us to support him but we die so he is left all alone. What if he is bullied and doesn’t have friends and doesn’t want to go to school. What if he isn’t happy with his life. What if he gets my anxiety or depression and acts on his desire to make the pain go away. What if he dies of sids and never gets to be who he is supposed to be. What if I get distracted and forget about him and he dies. What if others know that sometimes I want to forget about him and remember who I am. What if we get in a car accident. What if he stops breathing and dies in his car seat on our way to visit family. What if I rock him to hard and he gets injured.
- I’ve had thoughts while I was driving of not stepping on the brakes and putting myself through the windshield, my baby was in the backseat and properly secured so I wasn’t worried about him getting hurt.
- My mother just passed away and I’m so overwhelmed and tired I want some rest. I think about breaking his neck.
- As I pulll into work, I think I left him out in the cold in the driveway. Also that I’m going to die in a horrible accident on my way home/babysitters.
- Dropping my baby from the second floor because I couldn’t stop the crying. I could never do it but the thought happens, and then I just sit there and cry.
- I found a lump on the side of my 4 months head and instantly doubt my motherhood along with taking myself out and the rest of my children if I had lost him to this bump. After drs visit we found out it’s a cephalohematoma. Still have doubt about the drs but with every good minute the doubts disapppear.
- Having a baby is slowly destroying my marriage. Since I’m not the same person I was before my baby was born, I feel responsible for the unraveling of our relationship.
- Sleep deprived and wanting my baby to stop crying I started to squeeze his arm, then immediately felt awful, apologized to him, got teary and felt like this poor helpless thing is in danger because I’m exhausted. I had my partner had to take over for a bit so I could rest.
- My 6 month old daughter does strange things like hit herself in the face or cover her face with a blanket. I am so afraid that she might have autism that when she does these things all I can do is cry. We asked our pediatrician about it and all she said was that it would be too early to tell if she did, the anxiety that life might be that much more difficult for her is killing me, I can’t stop being afraid that she will have it. Having so much anxiety makes me feel like I’m missing out on all the joyful moments happening right alongside these weird behaviors.
- When my baby keeps waking up at night and won’t stop comfort nursing, my body starts aching and I get so frustrated I just imagine myself shoving her away or spanking her for it. Then I immediately feel so terrible for thinking something like that it makes my heart drop.
- I don’t want another baby because I’m scared of going through this all again, then I’m worried I’m being too selfish.
- I’ve pictured my son dying in a million different ways. I’ve pictured my sons funeral; what I would say, how I would act. I’ve pictured what my son looks like dead. I have a plan to commit suicide if my son does die. I don’t want to die, but I can’t imagine life without him…even though I am beyond stressed by the constant fear for his life. I hate to say but the past 7 months of my life has been the scariest time of my life. And that makes me feel guilty.
- The recent kidnapping and murder in Ontario has me terrified to leave my children with anyone, but I’m so exhausted and I need a break.
- I feel invalidated because even 2 months in a mother and baby unit has not stopped me being detached and unable to cope. I have secretly stopped taking my meds because I’m scared they are poisoning me. I wish I could leave my family because I am such a terrible mother, and I should never have had children. I will never be well and my husband will soon tire of me.
- When my baby cries and I can’t calm her instantly, it’s like a switch goes off in my head. I just want her to shut up, stop crying. I think about putting a pillow over her face, throwing her down or against the wall. Anything to just get the crying to stop. Then I’m crying harder for thinking those things.
- I constantly have a fear that I am going to trip and drop my baby over the two story bannister and if he survived he’d be paralyzed.
- Every party, every BBQ, every outing means my son could die due to his life threatening food allergies. All it would take is a stray goldfish cracker.
- After I had my daughter they put her in my arms to wheel me up to my recovery room and I could barely even hold her because I was so weak, and I was terrified I was going to drop her. And I was thinking “she is so perfect and so precious and shes 100% dependent on me, i cannot protect her and I don’t know how take care of her. She hates me. She hates me.”
- I’m about three weeks pregnant and have a toddler and a partner who works night shifts and im on my own with both children and i am so afraid of the sleep deprivation and stress and l already have so much lack of sleep that i am going to hurt my baby, from lack of sleep. or just to get some sleep 🙁
i never had this with my first born, im so overwhelmed and on medication for anxiety and depression.
- When I brought my baby home from the hospital I thought, “If she just dies then at least I could get some sleep.”
- After being sexually molested as a child I had the worst anxiety I would do the same to my children. Terrible images in my mind would just pop in with no control. Even though I know I would NEVER do such a thing. Breastfeeding was a never ending battle with negative emotion and ptsd – although I love the bond it creates.
- I used to have reoccurring visions of my car door opening, the seatbelt holding the car seat being unfastened, and my helpless baby being thrown from the car and run over by traffic. It made me sick to even drive, even when my baby wasn’t even in the car.
- I once wanted to leave my kids at the house and crash my car into a tree just so I wouldn’t have to listen to the screaming for awhile if I was in the hospital.
- I feel like I’m not a good enough mom for my son because I want to smoke or drink a daiquiri every once and awhile & I cant because i breastfeed and I love it so much I just don’t know what to do .. it’s like that’s my way of wanting to deal with the stress I’m going thru..& dont judge me. Because I would be very alert with my baby and his dad is my boyfriend so I would be ok and had help if I were To do it.. idk
- I felt like she was the biggest mistake I’d ever made, not because of her, but because I felt like I shouldn’t have been a mom in the first place.
- I couldn’t have knives in the house because I was afraid I was going to stab my newborn. I couldn’t bathe him because I was afraid I might hold him under the water. I imagined myself throwing him down the stairs. I hated any sharp edges like drawers being open, because I was terrified I would trip and hit his head on them. I never wanted to hurt him, I wanted to keep him safe more than anything, so I have no idea where these thoughts came from.
- Strapping her into her car seat and leaving her on the porch so I could sleep.
- Why did I ever decide it was a good idea to have a baby in the first place?
- Even now with her as a toddler, what if I put her up for adoption because I can’t do this.
- When he was a newborn, I used to secretly hope that something bad would happen to him… like that he would die in his sleep. That way I wouldnt have to be responsible for a newborn, and also not responsoble for harming him. It would just be life taking its course.
- Sitting in the Walgreens parking lot thinking I could just drive away and not go back home (my mom was home with my baby while I ran errands)
- Sometimes when it gets hard i always think “i wish I never got pregnant. I wish I never had a baby. I never wanted kids in the first place. I wish this would go away”
- When she was first born, I couldn’t hold her. I felt no connection at all. I felt detached. Breast feeding didn’t work, and she was starving, so that increased the detached feeling. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be her mother. I thought about ending my life.
- I’m often tempted to get in my car, drive away, and never come back. I feel like my family would be better off without me.
- I would leave my baby in the middle of the supermarket hoping someone would steal him, and then run back over a few minutes later because I would become terrified they actually would.
- About 1 week postpartum I had a horrible nightmare about throwing an unknown baby against the floor an trying to drown it. It was terrifying and traumatic. Since then, I can’t stop searching up and poring over all the recent news articles about babies and children dying. I’m certain and terrified something (??) is going to harm or kill my son, or that something is wrong with him. I can’t sleep for checking on him every 20 minutes.
- That my family would be better off without me. That I am not enough.
- Seeing or even thinking about people holding my daughter triggers my anxiety. All I can think about is them dropping her and the sound it would make as her head hit the floor.
- The biggest thing stopping me from letting people babysit is, “What if something happens and no one tells me?”
- When I looked at my child and he wasnt smiling I thought he was sad and wasn’t enjoying his life. When he scowled at me and screamed I thought he hated me. I thought I was the only one who’s child acted out or didnt show emotion. I must be doing something wrong, I cant give him enough. Hes not happy. I want him to be happy even if someone else has to give it to him. But then I learned, kids like adults, have emotions too. Like adults, they dont always smile. They are thinking. Observing. Waiting. Even happy but looking content. Kids, are much like adults, they’re just getting use to it though.
- I am still so scared to be alone with my son. The first three months of his life, once my husband returned to work, were so horrible, alone all day in the house with him, he was colicky all day and all night, myself recovering, severe postpartum anxiety. I don’t know if this feeling will go away.
- I’m terrified to fall in love with my baby. I think the instant I do he’s going to die. He’s 8 months.
- I thought of drowning myself in the bathtub one evening just so my husband doesn’t have to feel tied down and stuck with the routine of taking care of me and my son. I also thought of cutting my wrists again.
- I start thinking of what I’d dress my girls in for their funerals. What cuddly toys would we choose to keep them company. Out of nowhere my mind will start planning it.
- When literally the only thing stopping me from coming up with and going through with a plan was the thought of my boys not growing up with their mother. And while that was on repeat, watching hubby manage 3 kids (& me), and thinking, “nah, he’d get along without me just fine. Look at how much better of a parent he is than me…”
- I have been exclusively breastfeeding. My little one has gotten teeth and bites me so much it’s making me lose my mind. Every time they bite me I want to throw em across the room. I feel so much guilt at the thought of stopping nursing because they take so much comfort in it but it’s breaking me.
- I’ve always thought, what if I’m not a good mom; what if I ruin my child, what if?? Maybe im not ment to be a mom but I love my child to death.
- Everyone keeps asking me if I will have a second child. I tell them no because I am happy with the one, but the real reason is that I’m deeply afraid of having postpartum depression again. It took me a month to love and want my son. I thought I ruined my life by having him. I can’t go through that again.
- Sometimes I really hate my husband. Because he gets to be a father and not a mother.
- My son’s screams are so triggering for me that I sometimes yell or scream right back and can spiral out of control. It pains me so much that I can react this way and I don’t know how to reconcile my behavior with being a good enough mom.
- I’m so scared to leave my son with his father for even a few minutes to run to the store. I don’t think he’d actually hurt him, but I can’t get the image of him losing control and doing something awful out of my head.
- Im already 16 months PP. But I still have PPD. Maybe bacause we live with my partners parents. And it adds to the stress. They dont help me with my baby, they only take care of the other two children which is my son’s nieces (3 and 5 months) and they ignore my son. And sometimes. When Im having a break down, I almost always spank my son on the butt or on the hand or yell at him, when he does something i dont like.like go out of our room. It stresses me out. I feel so guilty.
- I struggled from birth-6/7 months to bond with my son. He was colicky, and he had terrible reflux, so the sleep deprivation really hit me like a freight train. The 3 days before I admitted myself to an inpatient behavioral health program, I didn’t sleep; I would lie awake and listen, and every little noise or move he would make would have me wide awake, thinking he was waking up and needed me. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, anxiety, and insomnia with auditory hallucinations. I was put on a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, something for anxiety, and something at night to help me sleep. I lost those first precious 6 months because I was afraid if I admitted to struggling, CPS would come take my baby away. My son is a toddler now, and everyone asks when do we plan on having a second child…I just smile and say “maybe one day, but not yet”…I don’t have the energy to explain that PPD nearly destroyed me, and that I’m too afraid of losing myself again, so we do not plan on having more kids. My child has a healthy mom now, and my amazing, supportive husband has his wife back; and that is the biggest gift I can give them both.
- My perinatal depression made me feel disdain for my four year old. I didn’t want to spend time with her or “deal” with her, I just wanted to be in a hole by myself.
- After sundown every cry from my baby felt catastrophic. I thought of throwing him. I saw him hitting the wall and then the ground. I thought of screaming at him. Smacking him. At sunrise that violence went away but then fear took over and I would be paralyzed by my anxiety. Every step felt like a cliff that I would fall off of and die, killing both myself and my baby.
- We were on a walk and I wanted to just keep going at the intersection and put myself and her stroller in front of an oncoming bus. It took all my willpower not to step off that curb. I am so thankful that I had that ounce of willpower left.
- My husband was at work and I decided I should leave my newborn in her swing and my 2 year old watching tv and leave forever, and never come back. I figured my husband would find them in 8 hours and they would all be better off without me. I would get in my car and they wouldn’t even notice I was gone because I was useless, ugly, not worthy of love, and a terrible mother.
- Everyone tells me that I need to have another child. That my baby can’t be an only child. And they started telling me this when I was still pregnant. But what they don’t know is that the process of getting pregnant was emotionally painful. Every negative test sent me into a downward spiral that only ended when I slept. My husband told me I wasn’t allowed to take tests anymore because it was so hard for both of us. When we finally got pregnant, I was obsessed with the idea that I would do something wrong and lose the baby. I was terrified that I would mess up and hurt the baby. And then I became high risk because of my blood pressure (probably because I was so stressed), and I felt even worse. I was terrified of having preeclampsia. Everything focused on the possibility that my stress levels would hurt the baby – and that made me stress more. I was put on antidepressants, and that seemed to help, until my baby was born. Every time my baby cried, or didn’t sleep, or acted like a baby, I felt like I was a shitty mom. I felt like my baby would be better off without me. I had to change antidepressants when my baby was 12 months old. He’s 15 months old now, and I still feel like a shitty mom. I don’t think I can do this again. I’m afraid it would destroy me. I love my baby, but I don’t want another. And every time someone tells me that I need another child, that only children are somehow less than kids with siblings, that I’m hurting my baby by not having another child … I just can’t win.
- Feeling like I was being physically drained when breastfeeding, like the life was being sucked out of me.
Feeling trapped inbetween my baby sleeping in her crib and my husband sleeping next to me – wanting to get out of there urgently.
Never being able to relax when with my daughter and feeling relief when I wasn’t with her.
- When I am so overwhelmed with the suffocating and extreme clinginess of my toddler, thoughts of suicide have become a comfort measure to me since I know there will always be a way out if I need it.
- Thinking my friend was the lucky one cos her baby was stillborn. Wishing I could have my baby adopted, if only nobody would hate me for it.
Thinking the only way out of this new mum life would be if I died. Wishing my newborn baby would develop a life threatening disease like meningitis so I could have my old life back.
*Kleiman, K. & Wenzel, A. (2010). Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts: Breaking the cycle of unwanted thoughts in motherhood. New York, New York: Routlege.
**Image1 created by Melina Stock
**Image2 created by Lisa Braun
For additional support if you do not like the way you are feeling, we recommend This Isn’t What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression. Boston, MA: De Capo Press