This thread is amazing. Needs to be turned into a list and handed out to expecting moms by every ob/gyn. They tell women everything under the sun about what to expect for 9 months; why not this?!
I think it’s wonderful you’re making this list for new moms. It would have been reassuring for me to know I was “normal”
“Scary Thoughts” is an expression used to encompass any and all categories of upsetting thinking that can interfere with the well-being of a new mother. Scary thoughts refer to negative, repetitive, unwanted and/or intrusive thoughts or images that can bombard you at any time (Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts by Kleiman & Wenzel, 2010). Scary thoughts are anxiety-driven, they are extremely COMMON, and most new mothers admit that have, at some time, imagined or worried about harm coming to their babies. The shame of having these thoughts can prevent women from speaking about them. In response to women telling us they feel isolated and ashamed of their thoughts, we asked women to share their scary thoughts in an attempt to help them express these distressing ruminations, so they can get relief and also help other mothers understand how universal this phenomenon is.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Thoughts of suicide are scary, but they are in a different category from anxiety-driven “scary thoughts” to which we refer on this page. If you are having thoughts of suicide, this should always be taken seriously and we urge you to find someone you trust and let them know how you are feeling.
The objective of our PPSC project #speakthesecret is to obliterate the stigma attached to scary thoughts which are so common in new motherhood.
♥ THANK YOU ♥
to all the brave women who continue to disclose their scary thoughts.
Together, we will educate many and help reduce the anxiety and stigma. #speakthesecret
Our page is an ongoing list of the thoughts that brave women have chosen to share in the hopes of helping women know they are not alone and that having scary thoughts is common during pregnancy and the postpartum period. We will add thoughts as they are submitted.
DISCLAIMER: This list is anonymous. We do not ask for any identifying information and therefore are unable to contact you. You can contact us at any time if you want to modify or delete your submission. We reserve the right to edit or not include a submission if, for any reason, we feel its content is unsuitable for this forum and are not able to respond to individual clinical or medical concerns. We may decide to create a meme from your words which may be (anonymously) posted on various social media platforms. Please keep in mind that this forum is not a substitute for professional intervention and posting your scary thought on this site will NOT give you access to treatment. There is NOT follow-up after you post. We are notIf you are worried about the way you feel, we urge you to contact a support person and a qualified healthcare provider. If you need assistance locating a provider who can help you, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Click here to order a copy of GOOD MOMS HAVE SCARY THOUGHTS by Karen Kleiman. It will help you feel better.
- My baby was going to die in the middle of the night and I was going to find her in her crib cold and lifeless.
- Sleep deprived and overwhelmed, I pictured myself throwing my crying baby down. (This distressed me the most because I would NEVER hurt her and I felt like a terrible mother for that image crossing my brain.)
- We stayed in a vacation house with a loft and I kept picturing my toddler daughter flying right over the ledge and smashing onto the floor below.
- What if someone kidnaps my child and sells her into sex trafficking???
- Every news story about an infant or small child brought a “What if….? and an image of that happening to my daughter.
- My daughter is going to die at daycare from ___ (insert any number of possibilities).
- There was a period where everything seemed dangerous or deadly…driving, grapes, sleep, ledges, kidnapping, stairs, cancer, and so on. It was exhausting.
- I had paranoia that my baby couldn’t be around sharp objects..I knew I wasn’t going to hurt her but somehow I thought things such as forks would somehow hurt her..it was awful I remember people holding her and eating with a fork and my anxiety would be through the roof and to others who haven’t had ppd with intrusive thoughts this might sound insane but it seemed completely logical to me at the time…and that’s when I went to a ppd meeting that’s where I was told the difference between intrusive thoughts and psychosis and for once I had an understanding of what was going on…it is hard to put this out there because people can be judgmental by not understanding but I have come to the point in my life I would rather put it all out there and help save one mom so she didn’t feel alone like I did…
- Falling down the stairs while carrying my baby & dropping her while walking with her or getting her out of her car seat.
- My abuser would find us and hurt/take my children and/or me. The scary intrusive thought/anxiety/ptsd combo was hell.
- After I had my second child, I imagined putting them both in my chest freezer so I could get some sleep. That’s when I decided to get on meds.
- We were walking one day in the neighborhood. I was convinced he was going to fly out of the stroller into the ditch. I didn’t see how he would get there but I ‘saw’ in my mind him there.
- I was convinced I was going to die on one of the water log rides at an amusement park. Not my husband who was riding with me. Just me.
- Same day at the amusement park, convinced he would slide out of my arms, wiggle across the Ferris Wheel basket (?) and fall.
- If I left our son at any time our bond would be broken and we wouldn’t love each other.
- The baby being dropped on anything hard – blacktop, concrete, tile, hardwood. I’d sit somewhere tightly clutching the baby while watching the floor down below us slowly turn red and just be unable to shut it off in my head. I’d have to sit down to go up or down some sets of stairs while holding the baby. It was bad while I was holding the baby but the intrusive thoughts were often worse when someone else was holding the baby over a hard floor. They’d come out of nowhere in the middle of the night too. Knives and other sharp objects were also triggers.
- Contracting an illness or disease as a result of someone not washing their hands or being hygienic in another way. I had my first during the Ebola outbreak and during flu season. Ultimately, I would fear the worst, that my baby would end up dying from something like this because of other people’s carelessness. I was very strict about others washing hands, etc., and I avoided leaving the house at all, except for appointments, for about three months. It was extreme, looking back.
- If I fall asleep the baby will die. If someone else watches the baby while I sleep, I can’t watch them watch the baby, so the baby will be seriously injured or die in someone else’s care… Protective services will take my other children because obviously I shouldn’t be asleep when they are asleep, or awake, or allow them to be cared for by anyone else.
- I struggle daily with letting the kids out of my sight, literally. I am consumed with who, where, what may or may not be happening while I am out of eyesight.
- My husband doesn’t understand that letting him help is worse than just letting me do it all.
- I thought if I bathed the baby on my own, there was a good chance that I’d leave her in there, and walk away.
- I thought that I would leave the baby in the car on a hot day.
- I thought that if I held the baby in certain ways, with her head resting on my arm, it would only take the slightest movement and it would crush her, or break her neck.
- A few weeks before my son was born I saw a black crow smack itself against the window outside his soon to be room, this convinced me something bad was going to happen. I also saw an elderly woman in black walking down my street, saw that as a sign too (like she was a witch)
- After I delivered when he was being weighed and measured I thought to myself that I was dying and that he was going to lose his mother, I told the nurses and they checked my vitals.
- I wouldn’t let [my mother and father] drive to the shops as I was convinced they were going to be killed in a car accident. They walked but I kept making them ring me to let me know they were ok.
- Despite being calm and happy all pregnancy, Post partum hormones kicked in on top of sleep deprivation and I became so anxious. I thought my anxiety would spread to my baby so didn’t want her to be near me. I thought I was toxic and ruined. I would pump milk and my husband would feed her. I cried all the time and thought she she had chosen the wrong mum. A year down the track I can see this is all nonsense and I am one of the lucky ones who received so much help and support to recover. But those thoughts are powerful and intrusive.
- I thought anything could hurt my baby, knives, clingfilm, pictures might fall, the lightfitting could come down. And much more . It was very bad i’d even worry that id snap and kill him somehow as there was baby deaths in the news. I was a nervous wreck and rather isolated.
- If everything wasn’t just so (like a piece of clothing was out of place or a picture wasn’t straight in the wall) I HAD to fix it or someone was gonna break in our house and harm the baby.
- I didn’t want to hold my daughter while I fed her a bottle. I thought I’d have her head at the wrong angle, and she’d either suffocate or choke on the milk. I propped her up with a pillow on the couch and held the bottle. I’m a birth professional and KNEW that that was more likely to cause suffocation/choking, but I couldn’t stop myself.
- Anything having to do with SIDS.
- If everything wasn’t just so (like a piece of clothing was out of place or a picture wasn’t straight in the wall) I HAD to fix it or someone was gonna break in our house and harm the baby.
- Every time I went outside to get fresh air for my son and I, I put him in the carrier and had so much fear walking on the sidewalk thinking a car would come up on the curb or he would fall onto the road. My mind imagined the whole scene. it was even worse when my husband was pulling him in the wagon.
- Contracting an illness or disease as a result of someone not washing their hands or being hygienic in another way. I had my first during the Ebola outbreak and during flu season. Ultimately, I would fear the worst, that my baby would end up dying from something like this because of other people’s carelessness. I was very strict about others washing hands, etc., and I avoided leaving the house at all, except for appointments, for about three months. It was extreme, looking back.
- I thought if I bathed the baby on my own, there was a good chance that I’d leave her in there, and walk away.
- I thought that I would fall when walking, and somehow in the fall I would drop or throw the baby over a railing, or down the stairs.
- We lived on the junction of the 2 biggest streets in our city. Every day as I got him out of the car seat (we had to park on the street), I would have thoughts about how it would be to get hit by a car racing past.
- I had very strong scary thoughts when standing on a balcony with my second baby that I might drop her off on purpose and also when I was carrying her through doorways horizontally that I would smash her head into the door jam intentionally. This is despite loving her intensely, not being depressed or particularly anxious, and not having these thoughts with first baby.
- My worst intrusive thoughts were around the SARS virus that was around in 2003-2004. In January 2004, my daughter was 8 weeks old and I saw something on the news about SARS. I became convinced that it was going to be the end of all human life, and rather than allow people to suffer, the government would provide suicide pills for all adults, injections for children, or medicine to put in baby bottles. I had visual images (not hallucinations) of having to kill my baby, and of myself, husband and baby lying huddled in bed, dead. It was horrific. My intrusive thoughts were so bad that I was later diagnosed with PTSD.
- I had really terrible trouble with this in the first year after my baby was born, particularly at night when I was trying to sleep. One started off with me imagining my husband and I taking the baby to our favorite pre-baby vacation spot in Mexico, where we honeymooned. I pictured her sitting quietly at the water’s edge, playing in the sand and looking out at the beautiful ocean in a floppy hat and cute swim suit. And then I imagined a shark swimming up and taking her. And I imagined myself running in after the shark to save her, and getting horribly maimed or killed myself.
- What if I leave her to run an errand or something and I die? What if my husband leaves for work and dies? What if we get in a car wreck on a bridge and the car falls into the water and I can’t get to her to save her? I stayed home for a long time after she was born. She is two now and I still have these thoughts from time to time.
- If I leave my house, I will get in a wreck and die and my daughter will never know her mother. If I die, my husband doesn’t know how to put her bottles/sippy cups together. I was deathly afraid of germs. I would “see” germs everywhere. I was terrified to let anyone around my baby because I just knew she was going to catch some terrible disease.
- I was scared to let my parents drive her anywhere and would envision (very graphically) her dying in a car wreck and I would constantly “see” her funeral. Our furnace went out when my daughter was about 7 months old. I had to leave work because I was just convinced I was going to go home and find my daughter, husband, and dog dead from carbon monoxide poisoning. It was a very scary, dark time during what was supposed to be one of the “happiest times of my life.”
- I’m seven years past it but the very first thought I had happened in the hospital a day after my son was born. Someone had brought a onsie in for him and my first scary thought was that it would be the last thing he ever wore.
- I had thoughts of crashing the car into trees, or driving over a cliff. Sometimes I would have impulses to do it while I was driving and I was so scared I would act on them. I also worried about dropping her in the shower, or letting her drown in the bath.
- I would see my baby in a coffin every time I looked at him while he was sleeping. I would panic while bathing him thinking for some reason I’d push his head under and wouldn’t be able to stop myself. Started having self harm thoughts, pretty much thinking of ways I could hurt myself with any object. 2 years out and thankfully those thoughts are gone.
- I had awful intrusive thoughts of dropping my baby down the stairs. So much so that I would hold him a little tighter every time I got near any stairs because I was so afraid of it actually happening.
- I had intrusive thoughts of jumping out of the passenger side of the car while my husband was driving on the freeway.
- Boiling or microwaving were the most horrifying. I had them all – everything you could think of – but those two stand out.
- What if I drop my baby over the stair railing? What if my child falls to their death from my apartment balcony? What if I sexually abuse my child?
- What if Child Protective Service comes and steals my children because I am an unfit mom? Eventually it got so bad that I thought, what if I drive away and never come back?
- What if I walk into the street waiting for a car to hit me?
- What if I would become bedridden & unable to function anymore due to the heightened anxiety causing severe insomnia. The fear of being unable to care for my kids became horrifying.
- No one else could take care of the baby, if anyone tried, they were going to hurt him, everyone became the danger.
- I couldn’t leave him, he nursed exclusively, never a bottle, feared taking him outside, because “they” were going to get him.
- Constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure no one was trying to take my baby and at the same time, I didn’t want him either, I felt detached and so far removed from him.
- I live in a car-centric [city]. We are constantly getting in and out of the car, and a majority of the year is warm weather. I was convinced for a long time that I would get hit by a car and killed while going into the street to get into the driver’s side of my car, and no one would get my baby out of the car and she would die in there in the heat.
- Knives are still triggers for me. I am HYPER-vigilant when using knives. It’s ridiculous, but it’s what I need to do for my own sanity.
- Our furnace went out when my daughter was about 7 months old. I had to leave work because I was just convinced I was going to go home and find my daughter, husband, and dog dead from carbon monoxide poisoning. It was a very scary, dark time during what was supposed to be one of the “happiest times of my life.”
- What if my husband is a pedophile and he sexually abuses her (multiple images of him doing so ensued)
- Since it’s public I am unwilling to put my vulnerability out there because I’m still kind of in the thick of it. My scary thought is that I will forget my baby in the car and she will overheat and die. She is ten months old and I still have images and thoughts about this every day, every time I drive. I check to see if she is in her car seat back there no matter what time of day and often more than once per drive. I have completely untreated adult ADHD. I forget at least one thing per day between pump parts, breastmilk, daycare items, and food, and I live in fear that I will somehow forget her.
- I have horrible, vivid intrusive thoughts of finding her dead in the car at the end of the workday, almost every day when I am heading to the car at the end of the day to go pick her up.
- I had severe anxiety that the formula I was feeding him was poison. Like actual poison. And would spend hours on the internet to try and find evidence to support my constant, intrusive thoughts and anxiety that I was poisoning my baby and it was all my fault for being a failure. After getting help in many different ways and joining a breastfeeding support group after my second child was born, I went onto nurse her for two years but regardless of how I fed her I was able to look back and see how ppd really distorted everything with my first child. They were both fed with love and affection as infants but the depression and anxiety was distorting things and obviously making things way more difficult than they needed to be. My babies have both grown into beautiful teenagers today and I’m not only proud of them but proud of myself for reaching out and getting the help I so desperately needed.
- I couldn’t look at a knife without imagining stabbing myself with it.
- I had, (I can hardly type this), thoughts of throwing my baby off a cliff.
- Lots of intrusive thoughts while driving of driving off the road or into oncoming traffic. God, it was horrible.
- I was so scared the first few months that my son wouldn’t be able to breathe while in his infant seat and that I wouldn’t be able to pull over fast enough to help him. I got nervous hours before I had to take him anywhere.
- Pretty much lot of what others have said but I had the hardest time with germs…nothing was sanitary and I literally would not sit my daughter down. I held her for months. Other big one was that someone was always watching me or someone was in the house.
- My worst fear was SIDs. I didn’t realize I had PPOCD until my daughter was six months old. I would obsessively check on her every time she slept. It was like a ritual. I would check on her every 10 minutes after I put her to bed at night. When I was finally ready for bed I would have to check on her at least another 10-15 times before I could even relax and think about sleeping. Then I would wake up in a full blown panic attack after sleep 3 or 4 hours thinking she was in danger. I would run to her room and check to make sure she was breathing. Then it would start all over again. I still worry to this day about her and will check on her before I go to bed. But the obsession and panic to continually keep checking has greatly decreased.
- Tripping and falling down stairs with my baby, or accidentally dropping her from some other height. I still worry about this 14 months later.
- With my first baby, it was a depression, our marriage was having a hard time at the exact same time. Nursing was ridiculously hard for a good month. The first year ppd was just kind of survival mode. With my second baby, it was an anxiety. Our family was much more together, but my thoughts were not. I remember thinking the wood grains on our coffee table were making me almost nervous. We’ve since lost two, and definitely feeling the ppd just the same. However, my focus in my faith has got me through. Knowing each is just a season makes the rest of life worth it.
- I was paralyzed by the fear that I would now forever have someone else to worry about, literally have anxiety about, for the rest of my life. Without a break.
- When my son used to cry, I would think about what would happen if I shook him. I would go through the hospital visit, possible injuries, and the CPS investigation all in my head.
- We flew to Hawaii when my daughter was five months old and for weeks leading up to it I was sure the plane would crash into the ocean and I could literally picture my daughter drowning while I watched helplessly. She’s now over a year old and one of the most intrusive on-going thoughts is the idea of something happening to me. I know she’s at the age where she wouldn’t remember me and that thought makes me feel physically ill. I think about how long she would “look” for me when she needs her mommy before she would forget me and find comfort from someone else. It just makes me want to sob a million tears and I’ve thought about it since the day she was born.
- I think most of us have those thoughts of “omg I’m going to die and my baby will never know me.” It’s so, so scary.
- I would make my boss come home with me on nights my husband would work late because I was scared to give her a bath alone because of the same exact thoughts.
- What if I push her stroller into traffic? I had such a death grip on that stroller after that one.
- What if I throw her off the balcony?
- What if stab her with a knife?
- What if I go crazy and kill her and not what I did?
- Bridges, windows, washing machines…you name it. Horrible. He will be 13 soon and still gives me the chills when I think about it.
- Knives are for me still too. My mother in law will come over to cook and while she’s cooking she always sets the knives on the kitchen window sill it gives me so much anxiety ..even this many years later.
- OMG. It’s so good to hear someone else say this. I have gotten past it now, but for years after PTSD from my first postpartum issues, I had a hard time with knives.
- I forgot to add the horror that I was afraid of cooking him instead of the chicken and feeding to his dad in sandwiches. My mind was a hell. I had pelvic dysfunction and an emergency section and we couldn’t breastfeed so I pumped. I’d say any of those things alone could have contributed.
- My most horrible thought during my bout with PPD was that my baby and husband would be better off without me. I had visions of jumping in front of a truck. I really didn’t think they needed me. I also had thoughts of ending my marriage. 11 years and 3 children later we are a happy family.
- Every time I walked through the kitchen, I would imagine myself hurting her. Putting her in the microwave, the oven, or stabbing her with knives. I never actually wanted to do these things, but the thoughts were relentless and terrifying. I couldn’t make them stop.
- My daughter was going to die in a car crash, positional asphyxiation, SIDS, basically any horrible thing you read about online, I thought it was going to happen.
- I worry I’m not sane enough to be a good mother.
- I very clearly remember thinking that my baby would be better off with anyone else as his mother. I thought about leaving him at the hospital or on someone’s doorstep like you read about in the fairy tales. I even thought about up and leaving in the middle of the night, that he’d be better off with just his dad.
- I could do just drive this car into traffic with all my kids and end this pain for all of us.
- My scary thought is that my baby doesn’t love me and know I’m his mum and that I might as well be dead if this is the case.
- I had visions of pushing or throwing my three sons (then 5, 3, and 6 weeks old) down the stairs.
- Image of babies flying across the room like a football.
- My thoughts were throwing the newborn off a pedestrian bridge into highway traffic. They were smashing the baby’s head on that table…6 years later I still have intrusive thoughts.
- I had repeated flashes that my daughters mouth was a wooden nutcracker dolls mouth and that she was squishing/cracking my nipple while breastfeeding. However, I was experiencing NO physical discomfort while breastfeeding. In my imagination it was like a Chucky doll that looked like a nutcracker but with my daughter’s eyes. I also imagined her mouth like a lamprey eel’s mouth. I continued breastfeeding for several weeks while having these intrusive thoughts. It wasn’t until I hadn’t slept in 3 days and could not stop crying that I scheduled a doctors appointment to get some help.
- These are a bit more simple and trivial than the others but were so distressing at the time. I could not make dinner. Completely unable to focus to put ham on a plate, boil some potato and microwave some corn. I didn’t know where to start. The distress that caused me was huge. I was unable to put my daughter to sleep. Not in the she wouldn’t sleep kind of way, she would sleep, but I could not go through the process of dinner, bath, book and bed by myself. I had no idea what to do, how to persuade her to get into the bath. So upsetting. Tight chest. Couldn’t breathe. Pounding heart.
- My thoughts were throwing the newborn off a pedestrian bridge into highway traffic. They were smashing the baby’s head on that table.
- I am afraid I don’t like my kids. I am afraid that they don’t like me. I am afraid that I am not good enough.
- I would vividly, in great detail, imagine my own child in child abuse scenarios from the news. I would imagine my child’s face, screams, and suffering and feel like there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
- Someone (myself or my older children) falling and crushing my son’s head. If you haven’t had intrusive thoughts they can be very vivid. Even writing this now I can feel my anxiety rising and he is sleeping peacefully in my arms. Around 4 months postpartum I sought help from my midwife unlike with my previous 2 children when I just dealt with it because I wasn’t aware postpartum anxiety was a thing.
- I imagined myself just running away from it all. No note, no call, no nothing. Just one day, *poof*, where is Mommy?
- I’ve had thoughts of just covering her face until she stopped crying. Of throwing her in her crib. Of leaving her somewhere. Of just getting rid of her. It makes me feel like the worst mom in the world.
- I had disturbing images flash through my mind of me dropping the baby and her head smacking the floor. During sleep deprived rage filled moments, I would imagine myself smacking my baby against the wall or shaking her. These thoughts filled me with such shame even though they were passing thoughts and I would never really harm my children. I’m also a therapist who has worked with parents for years so I had higher expectations for myself in terms of being able to regulate my feelings and be more in control. It led to having worse shame and feelings of inadequacy. I saw what was happening and recognized I needed to talk to a professional about what I was feeling. It helped alot.
- That someone will put poison or something in my baby’s formula…..I put it in the cabinet to hide it…..I know this is not going to happen, but the thought still comes in my head.
- I’m obsessed with something being wrong with my baby. He has a congenital/physiologic issue that the doctor told me it’s fine but then wants to keep following. Why are we following something that’s allegedly fine? Does that mean he’s not ok? What if he’s sick? My ob, pcp, and ped all told me to “don’t worry.” I obsess about this 100x a day. I often can’t sleep and have true panic attacks near daily, often vomiting and crying. It’s exhausting. I can’t stop thinking about it. This is hell.
- I’d throw the baby down the stairs.That there were evil things in the house.
- I went on a drinking binge to cope with postpartum anxiety.
- It once flashed through my mind the thought of putting my newborn in the trash can, during an utterly exhausted middle of the night breast feed wake up call while trying to recover from surgery. I felt so much guilt & fear & shame that I’ve never shared this with anyone.
- I envisioned my newborn falling out our bedroom window, down the stairs, out of the crib. Falling was an unhealthy obsessive fear.
- The tempting thought to drive into the river was the worst night of my life. Absolute worst. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Don’t believe all the death lies. Don’t act on them. Reach out bravely (so much bravery) for help. Hope will eventually come.
- What if we both just “fell” down the stairs?
- If my husband goes to work, something really bad is going to happen.
- If I don’t wash these bottles well enough, she’s going to get really really ill.
- If I sleep, she’s going to die and I won’t realise.
- We have to watch her all the time, in case she stops breathing.
- Nobody else can hold her, because she’s mine and I should know how to look after her best.
- I couldn’t pick up a scissors that was in the bathroom for fear of what I might do to my little girl. It made me feel like a monster for even thinking it and the only one ive ever told this to is my husband. It’s still not easy to admit to a year later.
- I was so sleep deprived and alone with my twins screaming. I envisioned putting my hand over my sons mouth until he stopped breathing… I checked myself into the hospital the next day.
- When my son was a newborn (3 years ago) I envisioned myself strangling him. It broke me. My husband caught on to my depression signs, and I told him what kept running through my head. With his and my mom’s help and encouragement I got help from a psychologist. I’m much better now thanks to them!
- That I would cut my baby’s limbs off with a knife. So so horrible.
- When we had just come home from the hospital and the scary thoughts were at their worst, I was convinced that having our daughter was a huge mistake! I actually googled things like, “I just had a baby and I don’t want it anymore.” I thought about things like giving her up for adoption or leaving her at a fire station, even though my husband would obviously never agree to it. I felt so ashamed of these thoughts. What helped the most was finding out that other women have had similar thoughts.
- If my husband puts our 3 month old to bed, I have to check on him later on to see if his arms were put above the blanket and to make sure he’s still breathing. I also don’t dare to close the window in his nursery because it reduces airflow and may cause SIDS. I’m so scared of going into my boys room, looking at him in his bassinet only to find him cold and lifeless.
- I would scream when my son cried. I felt like I was the worst person in the world for him. I thought everything I did was going to kill him. I still get moments where I think he’s better off without me. I just want to run away. But I stay. Fighting these thoughts. I don’t have a strong bond with my son either. Everyone I know shares stories of the undying love and connection they feel and I never had that. It kills me inside.
- There is a baby fighting for his life in my town right now from being shaken by a babysitter. I go back to work tomorrow. The guilt I feel for leaving my child is overwhelming and I can’t stop crying.
- There are so many thoughts and it doesn’t just happen in new motherhood. I constantly think of my children, my husband or myself getting hurt. To the point it is crippling and I don’t want to leave the house. Car crashes, disgruntled emplyees shooting up the store I’m in, my children falling off the balcony or being crushed, being kidnapped putting groceries in my car.
- I hope my admissions do help someone. I’ve never shared any of this with anyone and years later still feel tremendous guilt for them, but this is part of my healing process because I know they had a cause. I had an emergency delivery 5 weeks early because of preeclampsia and my anxiety over it forced an induction which turned into an emergency cesarean. I couldn’t bear the fact that I in some way caused my baby’s early birth because I simply could not calm down. Feeling unprepared to be a mom 5 weeks early, I was now a mom of a preemie who was subject now health issues as a result of that. He had jaundice, macrocephaly, and digestive issues all potentially caused by being premature. My blood pressure caused me to be on pills I wasn’t comfortable breastfeeding with. So we did formula and he turned out to be dairy sensitive. At every turn I was a failure. I couldn’t control my emotions. He watched me cry on a continual basis. I couldn’t bear that I was such a bad mom. Everything I did from how he started this life too early, to what I fed him, to how his first sights were of an unstable mom filled me with unspeakable regret. My scariest thoughts were that I didn’t love him enough, that in my emotional instability I couldn’t properly be responsible enough to keep him alive, that I regretted having him, that I wanted to just leave because my family would be better off without me, that I couldn’t protect him from all the bad things, and mostly from me because my very existence as a “bad mom” was already ruining him and setting him up for a life of failure and hurt. Those thoughts are still painful but thankfully I can see them clearly as intrusive thoughts now. I hope this helps and else just like me.
- Most of what I felt guilt over were because of things I’ve heard from well meaning people/experts and that’s the story I want to make sure is told. We live in a culture that mom shames deeply and that does not help postpartum. We need to be aware of how even scientific facts effect someone suffering from ppd. Unexpectedly I had an emergency birth many weeks early. All I kept thinking about was the poster in the hospital bathroom I read many times that brain development continues at 39 weeks. The poster reads about all the complications that having a baby early can cause, inductions can cause, and cesareans can cause. It’s intended to discourage scheduling births, but for someone with an emergency – all that data still applies and wreaked havoc on my mind that I was ruining my child by the necessary procedure I had to have. Then there was breastfeeding. Something else having a premature baby made it difficult to do. The shame that is constant for not giving baby your best can send moms over the edge whether or not that is the intention. It’s a reality. There is so much pressure and when every little thing and every big decision is made to fall squarely on you, that can be unbearable. My scary thought was my own self condemnation but also talking to other moms that would amplify my own feelings of inadequacy. I didn’t want to hear about their helpful husbands, sleeping breastfed babies, clean houses, crunchy organic meals, fitness routines, and supermom statuses. And that was from both modern moms and old fashioned 1950s housewives alike. It made me want to cease to exist even more.
- Three days after my baby was born I Googled how to give your baby up for adoption.
- I always wonder that a witch or someone with special powers will come over to me and make me choose between keeping my baby or just go back in time to when I wasn’t a mom and erase her from my memory. I would always choose my pre mom life.
- I once put a blanket on her face when she was 1 week old but removed it after some seconds and started crying feeling the most horrible mom in the world.
- I regretted having my son until going back to work when he was almost 4 months old.
- I used to stay late at work so I didn’t have to go home and take care of my LO. When my SO asked me about it, I realized it was time to get help.
- After my 2nd son was born I became preoccupied with the logistics of a hypothetical car crash while I was driving with him. I would look at cars around me and think “if that car hit me, how bad would it be? Would I die? Would the baby be ok? If I did die, what would happen?”
- During one particularly rough, sleep-deprived day, I was nursing my fussy baby and had a fleeting thought of throwing her off of me and onto the bed. No less than five seconds passed after I had that thought and I realized I was suffering from PPD/PPA. It was the thought that finally made me realize something was not normal, and I admitted that to myself, and got help.
- I was terrified I would shake my baby until he stopped crying. I never felt compelled to do this but couldn’t remove the thoughts around what would happen if I did. I was then convinced that if I shared this with anyone they would take my baby away from me.
- My children are now teenagers and thank goodness they have always been happy and healthy. Becoming a mother was so exciting, but emotionally a complete shock to the system. Everything had been goin well with the first one, but when I had my second baby, I started to get intrusive thoughts. I told no one up until now. I’m so grateful to get this out in the open. Two images would pop in my head from time to time, for no apparent reason. The first would be me swinging my baby by it’s arm, around my head, over and over. The second, was me driving us all off a cliff, which ended up with me never driving a particularly scary route ever again. Eventually these thoughts faded and stopped popping up. But I still have the memory of this experience which haunts me to this day.
- I was out walking with the baby. I called my husband at work and said I was going to leave the baby in his stroller on the street corner and my husband should come pick him up because I was going to run away. I was convinced I was a terrible mother and that my husband and son would be much better off without me. My husband called my midwife that day and asked for help. As it turns out, I’m a freaking great mom. I just had severe PPD and needed medication and therapy.
- Being a mother is exhausting and overwhelming. Sometimes I wish I never even had my baby and now I’m pregnant with my 2nd child. I love both my children to death, but I am mentally and physically exhausted. The constant crying and tugging of my one year old, I get hardly no sleep, I don’t even feel like the same person that I used to be, I’m mean, I’m emotional, and the littlest thing’s can set me over the edge, I’ve thought about putting my hand over my child’s mouth when he screams or crys and just holding it there until he stops. I feel like such a worthless and terrible mother. I need help and I am so afraid to speak out and get real help because I am scared I’m going to be judged and they will take my babies away from the thoughts that I am having.
- Every night when baby was 2-3 week’s old I just wanted to sleep but could only think of giving her up for adoption, spanking her for crying and nursing so much or throwing her to the floor. I’m better now.
- When my baby was born I kept wondering why my husband and I chose to have a baby. “We were so happy” I kept telling myself. I would look at my baby and think “if she wasn’t here anymore I would be ok”. I felt so terrible after those thoughts. She was only a couple of days old and I didn’t feel that amazing “love” you’re supposed to with kids. Breastfeeding was terrible and I would look at my husband when he slept and felt so angry. One day I looked at my angel and knew she was my everything.
- With my first, I’d be doing laundry and imagine what would happen if I put the baby in the washer with the clothes. It scared me that I’d have such a screwed up thought, so I immediately went and held and loved on baby, cooked a nice dinner and cleaned up the house to feel like a perfect mommy again.
- The night my baby was born I thought my husband was going to take my baby from me as I couldn’t be a mother. I also had a dream that my husband came into our room crying because the baby’s neck was snapped.
- I had thoughts popping into my head continuously about taking my life. That my son and everyone else would be better off if I was dead. I thought I was unnecessary since I wasn’t breastfeeding. I thought my sister should be my sons mother and others who loved me would take care of him. I had intrusive thoughts continuously about regretting having the baby. You are not alone!
- The night I had my baby I thought my husband was going to judge me as an unfit mother and take my baby away. I also had an image of my husband coming im the room and the baby’s neck had snapped.
- I had a replay of thoughts about killing myself. That I was not a good enough mother and was not necessary to him since I wasn’t breastfeeding. I thought my sister would do a better job and my family would step in. He was loved enough and would be better off without me.
- I have had thoughts of regret on having my baby over and over. You are not alone!
- I kept “seeing” my baby’s head being smashed on our fireplace. What frightened me was that I would see it ever time I got frustrated or overwhelmed with my kids. At first I was able to push these thoughts away but they became more frequent and awful. I began to be terrified that one day I would snap and really do it. I finally told my doctor and got some medication.
- I fear my baby will die of SIDS. I elaborated imagine finding her not breathing and imagine how the funeral will be and how I would tell people.
- That I would throw my baby down the stairs. The vision is so vivid in detail it has caused PTSD. CBT therapy & medication has saved my life.
- After my baby was born and I went back to work on night shift, I called my husband every hour to wake up and make sure the baby was breathing. I would literally count the minutes until I thought it was ok to call again and check.
- I worry so much that I won’t be able to feed my baby. Every time she cries I worry she’s hungry, that I’m not producing enough milk, that she will have to go on formula, that my husband will be disappointed and upset that she had to go on formula, that the formula will make her stomach feel completely miserable. I worry she won’t gain weight appropriately. She was crying just now after I fed her and I worried that she wasn’t full, I almost threw up worrying.
- When I got overwhelmed and super stressed out from the crying, I had visions of throwing my baby at the wall. Or veering out into traffic if I was driving.
- Not even six weeks after having my first baby, my sweet girl she would cry a lot. Turns out she had reflux and possible Colic. But I would always have the hugest fear of shaking her out of stress. And or dropping her going down the stairs and watching her delicate little head splatter.
Made me obsessive to always travel outside with her buckled in her car seat.
- I constantly worry about her being out of my sight, or if she’s breathing. I need to go back to work soon for a few hours a day and leave her with her dad during that time but I’m scared of leaving her even with him because I worry too much and he takes naps and I don’t want him napping because I feel like even though she may be napping too he isn’t aware. Plus he doesn’t take all of the obsessive safety precautions that I take because he thinks “it’s fine, that won’t happen”. He doesn’t understand that there’s always a possibility and I can’t take any risks because she came out of me and it was hard as hell to make her , I need her and I can’t risk anything ever happening to her.
- My husband will drop the baby down the stairs… And I would literally listen for them to get out the door safely.
- I worry on a nighly basis that my baby will die in his crib, even writing this causes a bit of anxiety thinking that somehow putting this “taboo” topic out there will increase the odds.
- I worry that I’m going to make one small mistake that is going to negatively affect his entire life; like what if that one time we sat by loud music at an amusement park changed the wiring of his brain and he ends up with a developmental delay.
- This morning I pictured shaking my baby or throwing her binkie at her because she just wouldn’t sleep. I would never do these things, but the stress and sleep deprivation is overwhelming.
- Sometimes I want to sign my parental rights away to my husband and just drive away and hide. I feel like they would be better off if I wasn’t even in the picture anymore.
- I’m afraid my son is bonding more with my sister than with me. Simply because she keeps taking him from me and I just let it happen. But if I tell her anything I turn into the bad guy who isn’t accepting her help.
- After loosing my second child in my 27th week of pregnancy, I started having intrusive thoughts at night about harming my 4 year old. I felt like the worst mother in the world and I must be the only woman who thought this way about their child who they loved unconditionally. I told my partner and I seeked out help. Its been almost a year since we lost our son and each day is different, some are easier then others but I know I’ll get there, one day at a time, If my story helps just one mom find the courage to speak out, to know she’s not alone and that she’s not a bad mom or going crazy than I will keep sharing my story.
- That song “when the wind blows the cradle with fall, down will come baby cradle and all”… I was singing it to baby one day and had this intrusive thought that I wished she really would fall out of a tree or something and all this stress would be over. I could have my life back, I could sleep, etc. As a nurse and a human, this was so scary to me and further pushed me into myself and my depression that I was deranged and a worthless mother.
- I constantly worry about her being out of my sight, or if she’s breathing. I need to go back to work soon for a few hours a day and leave her with her dad during that time but I’m scared of leaving her even with him because I worry too much and he takes naps and I don’t want him napping because I feel like even though she may be napping too he isn’t aware. Plus he doesn’t take all of the obsessive safety precautions that I take because he thinks “it’s fine, that won’t happen”. He doesn’t understand that there’s always a possibility and I can’t take any risks because she came out of me and it was hard as hell to make her , I need her and I can’t risk anything ever happening to her.
- I fear that I will never get sleep or a break until my funeral. I fear my daughter will “turn on me.” I fear I’m the only one who can make her happy. I have thought about divorcing my husband and moving in with my dad because he is such a better help with the baby. I fear I will feel bad forever.
- I have been so afraid my baby will stop breathing and die. I shake her awake even when I can see her breathing when she sleeps. I have almost crashed my car reaching back to shake the baby when she falls asleep in her car seat. I think she will suffocate herself. I have a panic attack at night when the baby is sleeping upstairs. I have to run upstairs to check on her, even when I see her breathing on the monitor. I never let her have tummy time. Her head is flat and she needs a helmet at 6 months, and I don’t care. A friend had their baby die at daycare at 3 months because he was put down for nap on his tummy. I am so scared for my baby. I have so many intrusive thoughts. I just want to keep her safe.
- I love my daughter very much but some times I wish I could go out like before. I feel like I can’t do anything anymore or even go out.
- My scary thoughts are getting into a car accident with the baby and the baby dying in his sleep due to SIDS. It is anxiety provoking to type these worries, but I feel that sharing them will help take their power away. My husband says we do what we can to mitigate risks but we can’t let the anxiety run our lives. I know he’s right.
- Constantly thinking I’m a bad mother for needing breaks, and letting others feed, change and comfort her. Always thinking my baby will choke on her spit up and stop breathing while I’m driving or that I didn’t buckle her right and we’ll get into a car accident. Always wondering if I’ll drop her down the stairs, thinking I’ll trip and fall on the cement, thinking she’ll suffocate if she has a blanket on. The list doesn’t stop, and it’s exhausting.
- As I walked with my sleeping baby to the bedroom to lay down for a nap, I would imagine throwing him across the room. He would hit the wall and crash to the floor and lay there in a slump. I had this image in my head over and over again. I got checked for PPD and my therapist said it was just a phase.
- I struggled with blaming my baby for my c-section scar, stretch marks and “fluffy body.”
- After my 4th child came, I thought how much easier it would be to walk upstairs and pick up the gun that was in my husbands drawer than to make it through the day caring for 4 under 6. I knew I needed help. Help was hard to find when not that many people understood what I did all day and night. I knew I needed help. I now have 6 and am doing well. I still seek help and am constantly finding a balance and working towards a healthy mind and body
- I yelled at my kids one day and then told a friend I had “lost it” with them. She asked if anyone was hurt, which surprised me because I don’t use corporal punishment. After that, I pictured myself hitting them with a hammer and them being badly hurt and unconscious. These thoughts became intrusive for a while and were scary because I would never hurt them.
- I feel completely inadequate as a mother when baby doesn’t feed properly, doesn’t sleep and basically needs holding 24/7. I feel like I’m a single mum, but I’m married! I feel like I’m going utterly batshit crazy and sometimes I think I never should have had this baby or give her up for adoption…
- I find myself daydreaming about getting so horribly hurt or sick that I would end up in the hospital… so that I could get some sleep & have time away from my daughter without feeling guilty.
- I was desperate to breastfeed because I thought it was the only reason my husband and daughter needed me around. He adored her from the second he saw her and I just did not feel that overwhelming, warm, glowy love that everyone told me I would experience. It just wasn’t there for me, but it was there for him. They bonded immediately. He was an active and involved parent which, while wonderful, made me feel useless. Like I couldn’t handle mothering my own child, so her father had to step in. He was so calm with her all the time, and I got so anxious and frazzled…clearly he was the better parent. Clearly he was the one suited for this. They didn’t need me. I could disappear, run away, or die and they would be just fine. The ONLY thing that kept me around was breastfeeding, because I was also convinced that formula would ruin my daughter. She’s a year old now, and I still feel like he’s a better parent, and she’s bonded more with him than with me. It’s a terrible feeling, and makes me struggle to find my worth and value in our family regularly.
- I thought/daydreamed about how well rested and free I was before baby was born. How happy my husband and I were- not that we’re not over the moon in love- but sleep deprivation and taking care of a baby changes everything…
- I was hospitalized for PPD and acute anxiety in 2015. It started with feeling like I wasn’t a good mom, that I was going to fail my son, then I was obsessing over making a mistake – falling down the stairs with him, dropping the carseat while carrying it up the stairs. I NEVER knew this was so common. No one, not my ob/gyn, not the nurses at the hospital, NO ONE gave me any education on this. Had I known what I was going through I would have gotten help sooner. I talked to my husband and mom and they kept saying “nonsense, you’re a good mom.” I finally got help when I imagined myself drowning my son. I couldn’t give him a bath because I was afraid I would drown him. After hospitalization, therapy, medication, and education, I have learned what I need to do to take care of myself.
- My baby is 8 months old and I still have intrusive thoughts of dropping him on the floor and seeing his little skull crack open with blood everywhere. Another one is me falling down the stairs while carrying him and landing on top of him, crushing him to death. I constantly worry I will scald his mouth and throat with his food even though I serve it to him at room temperature. I picture myself accidentally breaking his little neck while changing him. I have been on meds since before he was born since I have ptsd and both my doctor and I were concerned with me getting ppd. I can’t imagine how is be without the meds.
- I was sure that there was a man watching our house waiting for the time to break in and take my daughter. When I was up in the middle of the night with her I would avoid turning on too many lights because I didn’t want him to see us. I would go through the steps of getting my husbands gun out to protect us when this man broke in. I knew it wasn’t normal but I knew it was going to happen, just not sure when.
- My 22 month baby is a late walker. He walked at 21 month old. but he is a happy, affectionate, bright baby. he can say a lot of words and ask for things. But I’m constantly scared that he is going to fall behind other milestones and develop severe autism.
- Sleep deprived and angry because all i wanted was my baby to sleep i imagined myself hurting him, whether it be throwing him on the ground or punching him in face because i was so mad he wanted to be held/nursed.
- When my daughter was a newborn, her cries overwhelmed me so much after trying so hard to get her to stop, I wanted to slap her or shake her. I yelled at her once, set her down, and cried in my bedroom. I was so tired from getting almost no sleep, angry because she didn’t stop crying, sad that I was acting like someone I knew I wasnt, but happy I had my gorgeous baby ..I was so confused. Who do I talk to without being judged?! I know I’m not a horrible mother, I just need help calming my baby down…. fast forward to 6 months. I’ve learned to breathe and put her down. They’re ok if they cry. Control yourself first, babies pick up if your tense.
- One thought I had in the first few months, “Throw the baby out the window.” I’m thankful I sought out therapy…
- I walked out on my balcony when the baby was crying non stop, I thought to myself, I will just drop him off the second floor balcony, then I’ll be able to get some rest. I got help for my postpartum depression soon after.
- I was terrified we would be in a bank during an armed robbery. I would shield her with my body while begging for our lives to be spared. It still makes me cry after 5 years. Not because the thought still bothers me, but because I remember how terrible it made me feel. We had/have virtually no need to ever go inside a bank. It goes to show how truly irrational these types of thoughts can be.
- My heart doesn’t want to drown my children but my mind sometimes thinks it does.
- I could just drive into this light pole and it would all be over… or I’d at least be hospitalized. Everyone would know how bad it’s gotten and I’d finally get some rest.
- The sudden feeling that the person driving next to you is going to randomly shoot you through the window. Every. Time. You. Drive.
- How long would it take them to track me down if I just got in the car and kept on driving? How far could I get? Could I really disappear?
- Step by step vivid images of exactly how and in what order I would drown my children. I couldn’t even walk past the bathroom without seeing it all play out in my mind. I hated those thoughts and myself. Now I am better and I know better.
- I thought that I would lose control and suddenly drop the baby on purpose or stab the baby. I spent all day every day worrying about this and feeling like an awful mother who didn’t deserve the beautiful baby I had. I told my husband and my doctor and they were very supportive. I increased my meds and read a book about intrusive thoughts and got better fairly quickly.
- My baby would get a disease or swallow so much hair from being around my sister in laws live in dog that she’d die or get seriously ill.
- I imagined putting my baby in the dryer and turning it on. It scared me to think of how easy it would be to do something so harmful. I felt like I could never tell anyone, because they would take my baby away from me.
- I’m afraid I have made and am still making all the wrong decisions for my son, like letting him cry it out more than rocking him. He’s not a cuddler, and I take it personally. I’m afraid he won’t love me, like me, or want me to be a part of his life as he grows up.
- I imagine slamming my baby on the bed to get him to stop crying… it scares the hell out of me.
- I dont know if this counts – but i smell like milk all the time & its driving me crazy.
- I can’t sleep too far away from my daughter incase a fire starts in the house or someone breaks and I can’t get to her. I am also scared she will get cancer, stop breathing during the night, or something will happen to me and I won’t be there to protect her anymore.
- I would never hurt my son, I absolutely love him so much but every time he cries and screams I think about covering his mouth, screaming at him to shut up, or throwing him in the crib. PPD is terrifying.
- I spent the first two months after my daughter was born subconsciously trying to destroy my marriage to a wonderful kind loving man and amazing supportive hardworking father so I can move back in with my parents and help me take care of our baby girl.
- I thought a car or a lorry would mount the pavement and kill me & my children. I’m way past baby years now but I still feel anxious about car accidents and losing my children.
- I have impulses that I should just run away and never come back. Also scared to bathe him or take him out in public, which I’m slowly getting better about.
- Multiple times a day (every time I change his diaper) I worry someone (day care, my mom, my amazing husband) might be molesting my son or taking child pornography photos of him.
- I think about cashing my car into the freeway divider because I just want an excuse to not have to do it all anymore.
- I love my baby so much but sometimes I feel like this is a nightmare, and I’m gonna wake up and my life is gonna go back to normal.
- I get so nervous when my baby is about to wake up. I wish she can sleep looong periods of time.
- I dream of being kidnapped and killed just so my kids could grow up with a normal mom and it wouldn’t be my fault for leaving.
- I secretly wanted to leave my baby at a fire station and drive to California.
- I felt like my husband was a better parent and I should just leave my family because they’d be better off without me.
- Before I got meds I used to look at my arm and visualize someone cutting it open and pulling on all of the nerves and tendons in it. It was so intense that I could feel it some days. To this day, on a particular rough day I still see that image for a second before I force myself to see past it. This is the first time I have ever admitted that to anyone and its been about 4 years.
- I would have nightmares about smothering my baby in his sleep while co-sleeping. Except we never once co-slept. I would jump out of bed at all hours of the night and turn on lights, throw off blankets, wake my husband, and search for my son only to discover after several minutes that he was sleeping soundly in his crib in his room across the hall.
- My first intrusive vivid thought was when my baby was less than two weeks old. My husband was holding her while standing next to a wood stove with a large lid on top to add wood. I kept thinking he was going to open it and toss her in. I knew it was irrational,and he would never do anything like that, but it scared me to the bone. It took me days to shake the feeling.
- I was absolutely miserable for the first 2.5 or so years of my eldest child’s life. As a baby, she nursed almost around the clock, and would only stop when I pulled her off to go to the bathroom or get something to eat. I wouldn’t listen to any of the lactation consultants when they told me that nursing 55 out of every 60 minutes all day and all night wasn’t necessary. I couldn’t believe they were right. My baby always seemed hungry and cried when I stopped! Because I was so tired, I couldn’t even sleep on a bed or a couch, because one of us would fall off. Until she went to daycare, I spent my entire day and night on the living room rug, so that she and I could drift in and out of consciousness all day and all night long. But I was in so much pain from the nursing (she nursed until my nipples bled), so hungry from lack of time to eat and so dazed from lack of proper sleep that I would hallucinate. I’d wake up with a start and could swear she was missing or had fallen off the bed (even though we were safely on the rug). I’d look at the clock and couldn’t read it – I’d get the numbers all mixed up. She became a toddler younger than average and had several terrible tantrums EVERY day. No one close to me could relate at all. Strangers would approach me and tell me I needed to “get her under control”. I felt so alone through those years because none of the other parents I knew seemed to be experiencing the same thing. Sometimes I wondered if she was normal or if I was doing everything wrong. She’s much older now and looking back, I think that her tremendous need to be with me all the time as a baby and then the tantrums as a toddler were just part of her intense personality. Although she still experiences all her feelings with intensity, she’s a gentle girl, with a heart full of empathy, kindness, tolerance and generosity. ………….It was all worth it.
- I took my daughters to the playground as I often do, but ever since the Vegas shooting I keep picturing what I would do if a shooting happened at the park. I’ve looked for hiding places, wondered how I would carry both kids. I can’t even enjoy time with the kids there anymore.
- For the first ten months of my daughter’s life, I wouldn’t wear socks because I thought if I did, I would slip on the stairs and drop the baby down them.
- When I was carrying my baby I would have a vivid image of him smashing into a wall and being hurt, or of me throwing him to the ground. It took a long time but eventually these scary thoughts went away.
- Sometimes I imagine myself leaving because I think my husband should find someone who will make a better mother than me. I love my kids more than anything, but I feel so inadequate.
- on days where I feel like I am so overwhelmed with mother hood, work, and being a wife, I think that getting hit by a semi truck while driving by myself wouldn’t be so bad. I wouldn’t be able to fail my family anymore and i won’t let them down anymore.
- I used to obsessively imagine how easy it would be to go into my car in the garage, shut the garage door, roll my windows down and start my car and kill myself. I just KNEW my kids would be better off without a shitty mom like me, because I would never be good enough for them. I am so afraid of my kids growing up and realizing that I’m not all that great, and never wanting to talk to me or keep a relationship with me. It is currently my biggest fear. I obsess about what is best for my kids, and am still convinced that it’s not me because I am so unstable.
- I imagined dropping her down the staircase, letting her stroller go into traffic…I used to joke nightly to husband that I was winding up the baby catapult to fling her into someone else’s yard. It was the worst time of my life, and having a MIL and SIL talk about me behind my back and judging everything I did was the most painful thing I’ve ever endured. And believe me, that’s saying something.
- The first night my son could be away from the nursery in the hospital, I had the nurses put his bed in my room. In the middle of the night, my 6 week early, 4 pound infant started crying. As I sat in the dark room holding him, I imagine myself dropping him on the floor and wondered if anyone would know it wasn’t an accident. It only go worse from there. I was constantly worried he would stop breathing at night or simply not wake up. This all culminated with intrusive thoughts in which I would try to figure out how to kill myself, my baby, and my husband so none of us would have to live without the other. I needed help but I was afraid to talk to anyone for fear that they would take my child. I was very, very lucky that these feelings eased once my baby started sleeping longer. My husband, who was travelling extensively at the time, didn’t even know how bad things were until my older child was almost 13.
- I was terrified that I would smash my baby’s head into the corner of the wall when I was walking back into our bedroom in the dark after feeding him and it would break open and bleed all over.
- When my twins were barely 2 months old, I had a nightmare that I stabbed one of them. I awoke crying and was ashamed and scared of where my mind went while I was asleep. I knew I needed help and called my doctor the next day.
- I fear my toddler doesn’t love me anymore and that my husband wants to send our kids to his mom so he can divorce me. I fear everyone is playing a big pretend game but they’re really all planning to leave me behind.
- In the first few weeks after my daughter was born I worried that she’d slip from my arms and smash her head in the cement floor as I walked downstairs into our basement. I say “worried” but really the thought would fly into my head, terribly graphic and completely unbidden. This anxiety dissipated after awhile, but it was so strange. I never experienced anything like it before I had her.
- Shortly after I gave birth to my first baby I imagined a sharp knife going gently over my baby’s perfect skin. It was really scary and I thought there was something very wrong with me. Why would I have those thoughts?
- I get nervous when my baby is in my husbands care and he starts to cry i feel like he does something wrong and would rather just do everything hustle isntead or ask him for help.
- I had terrible images of throwing my baby intonhis cot or on the floor in a fit of rage when he wouldn’t stop crying. Despite loving him intensely and knowing I would never hurt him in a million years. I also, mostly at nighttime when he couldn’t sleep, thought that I was the worst mother as I couldn’t even get my baby to sleep. I thought my husband and baby would be better off without me. I got help early and now when something crops up I can deal with it rationally and it goes.
- I had a traumatic birth and so when I thought I might have accidentally gotten pregnant with a second child, I imagined aborting the baby to avoid giving birth again. This was a wake up call for me because I have always wanted two kids. I went to see someone.
- I am exhausted. No one understands how anxious and tired I am. I am out of shape, my house is a disaster, my baby doesn’t sleep on her own, my husband is impatient and I am the one getting less sleep!
- I am always picturing gruesome, violent outcomes to my baby whenever we’re in the car, the bed, wearing or walking her in the stroller while her crossing the street— sometimes those scenes still pop up in my head. The heart palpitations I get laying in bed after the madness of the day is over. I still get super anxious at her crying spells, and I end up feeeling like I’m a crappy mom for her constant crying. The constant pressure to maintain a “perfect” looking household, clean house, well-behaved kids, dropping all the baby weight, all on varied little-sleep. This is a Mama’s reality. I can only hope my children know that they are so loved, despite how inadequate I may feel about my parenting sometimes.
- Because of how scared I am of everything having to do with my child I should never have had a baby.
- I was terrified in the middle of the night that I would faint or trip with my baby while passing the stairs and she would fall down all of them and either die or be terribly injured. I was terrified that because I was the only one awake, everyone would blame me if something like that happened… and if I had already shared some of my scary thoughts, they would think I did it on purpose and take my baby away from me.
- That when I’m not with our son, my husband neglects him… Or the daycare workers do. Pretty much anyone who cares for our son who isn’t my mom or me. There is no merit behind any of these feelings, and the Zoloft has helped… But I still get anxious when I see my husband sitting next to our son while he’s playing and he checks his phone. I’m worried that moment of distraction, something catastrophic will happen.
- I can’t be a wife, mother and professional. If I am at work- I’m a bad mom and wife. If we go out to dinner without our son- I’m a bad mom. If I greet our son first when I come home or fall asleep on the couch at 8 pm from exhaustion- I’m a bad wife.
- I can’t have or do it all.Some day’s I don’t want to get up, some days I don’t want to be a care taker , somedays I want to be alone all day and stay in bed, but then I feel like a bad mother and I know I don’t deserve alone time, or a meal cooked by someone else.
- When ever my children has been in someone else’s care like day nursery I change their nappies straight the way when I pick them up to make sure they haven’t been sexually abused. I’m so scared when other people are in control of my children. I don’t trust anyone except their dad and then I have scary thoughts that maybe I shouldn’t trust him. Even though I know there’s no way that he would do anything like that, I’m scared that I don’t know him. You hear all the time that the mother never knew.
- I felt that no one wanted me or my baby around. I fantasized about taking him and running away where no one would find us or where we wouldn’t be a burden. He cried constantly, I tried to breast feed but couldn’t produce enough milk and he was not thriving. I switched to formula and the change was like night and day. He slept like he should have and didn’t scream because he was hungry. I was hit worse with my second child but a wonderful nurse saw I was struggling while I was still in the hospital. I had to stay longer because of a Csection. She got with my OB/GYN the next morning and I was on meds and offered counseling. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you need meds, take them. Don’t let people tell you it’s all in your head or you will get over it. I spent 2+ years the first time trying to “get over it.”
- I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I can’t do anything now. I think I’m a bad mother. People in my house aren’t very as supportive of my breastfeeding journey. Everyone thinks I’m feeding the baby because I want to keep the baby with my self. I can’t bear the negativity around me. I don’t like my living arrangement. I don’t want to be bullied.i feel like I’m in a prison. I want my previous life my back. Sometimes I feel I had this baby because I wanted to prove I’m fertile! I hate myself for feeling like this. I don’t look forward to my baby waking up in the morning. I hate myself because of this. I feel very overwhelmed with anxiety whenever she is awake. Is she eating enough? I don’t know how to get chores done with her around. If I don’t get chores done people think I’m lazy. My baby is 15 months. I’ve to constantly supervise her. Being a stay at home isn’t very rewarding. There is constant chores and the demands of a toddler are so unbearable sometimes.
I know my baby will grow up very soon and I’m going to be hate myself for not enjoying her childhood.
I’m just not the pleasant, engaged, happy mother I wanted to be. I’m irritable, tired all the time, distracted and I don’t talk to the baby as much as I should. I don’t feel fit to patent my child and meet her demands. Feel very alone and Isolated.
- Sometimes I can’t take the noise and the nagging i just want to lock them in their room with bread and water.
- I love breastfeeding but some days when she wakes up i just dont want her to touch me and i feel like im trapped and i want to run and scream.
- While pregnant, I struggled with urges to punch myself in the stomach or overdose on Plan B. When the baby started moving, I could only think “get it out get it out.” As she grew bigger, I felt she grew more important, and I shrank into nothingness. I worried I would cease to exist. When she was born, all I could think was that I’d made a horrible mistake thinking I could ever be a mother. I stopped sleeping entirely. I could never settle down. I worried about apocalyptic events, the water being poisoned, and I had intrusive thoughts like short “movies” playing out in my mind of hurting my baby. They were so vivid that I began to think they were inevitable – that I was going to hurt my baby. My mom finally took me to the ER, and I was admitted to the psychiatric unit for 5 days. That’s how long it took them to get me to sleep. Even from this darkest place, I found a way out — with help — a lot of help. I went from Googling “I regret becoming a mother” to feeling like being a mom has given my life meaning. I didn’t love her right away, but now I love my daughter more than I knew was possible.
- On more than one occasion I had to pull over and check that I’d actually put my baby in her car seat (When she was forward facing)
- In the first month of LO’s life, I was crying every other day. I was forced to give him donated breastmilk for 1 week in his 2nd week as the LC convinced us that it is better than the FM we were giving. We were so desperate that we just agreed to it even though we knew that the donated breastmilk was not properly screened and had no idea how long it has been kept. Until today, i am worried about the possibility of diseases being transmitted to LO thru those donated breastmilk and i hate that LC to the core.
- On top of that, I was constantly worried about how clean the bottles, jaundice & even his belly button… the next 5 months was not much better as LO was always crying and needed to be held 24/7… he would also cry till he turned purple black until we pick him up… there was once when i was so frustrated with no rest, no proper meals, no me time, that i rocked him so hard that i almost fell on my bum… i was immediately filled with guilt and quickly put him down n left the room although he was still crying and wailing… i took deep breaths and went back into the room and apologised to him and tried to calm him down… I’m also worried about my LO not wanting me and doubted all those stories about motherly bonds with children as LO cries even louder whenever i hold him… i felt like i was a complete failure that my own flesh ‘n blood didn’t want me…
- I just let her cry once. I was in bed staring at the wall just thinking, I don’t care, I just don’t care what she needs right now.
- Once when I was in the kitchen I had this horrible thought jump into my head.. I could slit her neck. It shocked me to my core, I felt so repulsed for thinking such an awful thing. This thought still plays on repeat at times and everytime it comes back I feel sick to my stomach and so ashamed that my mind would ever have such a thought.
- I was worried that I would find my baby had died during her sleep. I couldn’t sleep as I had to keep checking her all night. The lack of sleep made the anxiety worst. So I got help, I talked, I developed coping strategies. It’s helped – it’s a work in progress.
- My husband doesn’t understand that I can’t possibly take care of our 4 month old son and keep the house spotless while he’s at work all day. It makes me feel so useless no matter how much I do. I feel like I’m jumping through hoops to keep him happy.
- All I could do was cry …day in day out. The thoughts oh being a worthless mother fled my mind every second of the day. If I wasn’t think about hurting or killing myself I was thinking of ways to end us all…. blowing up the house, driving in front of a semi, jumping off a cliff, taking all my meds and going to sleep forever or finding a lake and just driving in…then everything would be ok …no more crying no more pain. I finally decided to get help, it was a long journey of switching meds and probably will be but every day gets just a lil bit better.
- I would place my son in a laundry basket when doing laundry. Many times I almost cried because of how intense and overwhelming the thoughts of putting him in the dryer were.
- I was already on meds and in therapy, but couldn’t tell anyone just how much I was struggling because then I would be hospitalized, stripped of parental rights, and lose the bond with my baby. In reality, it led to a mental breakdown while I was watching my 18 month old on my own. It left me with almost 50 stitches from self harm, a two week hospitalization, and a major loss of trust with my husband. I was so worried about losing my family that I lost myself instead. Breastfeeding kept me alive during my lowest moments, but it also stopped me from getting more intensive help.
- When my first child was born we owned a gun. My husband asked if I could bring it to him so he could clean it. As I held it, a horrible thought raced through my head: “what if I shoot my baby? What if I shoot myself?” I held it for a minute and pondered: “If there is a bullet in the chamber, just one little squeeze. One squeeze changes it all. One squeeze ruins it all. I lose my life.” I urged my husband to get rid of the gun for our child’s safety. I never told him the real reason.
- When my son was a newborn, I couldn’t sleep because of how he looked in semi-darkness… I constantly thoght he looked blue and he was going to die from positional asphyxia.
- I tell my 8 month old son I love him all the time, but what if I’m actually faking it when I tell him I love him? Please God, watch over him. I don’t trust myself to be a parent sometimes. What if I can’t have another baby? (Why would I even want another baby?)
- I can remember with my first child my mom telling me “don’t shake the baby” and I thought she was out of her ever loving mind. Why would she ever say that to me, I loved my child more than anyone ever loved another. But then it happened, I was going on days without sleep and no matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to comfort my son. It was in that moment that I had the thought “I could just drop him and it would all stop”. The crying, my feelings of inadequacy in being a first time mom, all of it.
- Something terrible would hurt or kill her as a result of a mistake I’d make (looking away while she’s on the changing table, falling asleep while nursing her and accidentally smothering her in my breast). The worst part is that when I imagined these things happening, my first thought was about whether my husband would ever forgive me, not about how terrible it would be to lose our daughter.
- I’m scared that I’ve made a terrible mistake in having a baby—that what I really loved and enjoyed was being pregnant, not being a mother.
- I found myself hoping I’d fall asleep at the wheel of the car with the baby in the back. I didn’t want either of us to be seriously hurt, but I thought that if I did – my husband would have to take how I was feeling seriously.
- I had a traumatic birth and was rushed into surgery straight away. When being taken to surgery I was thinking to myself that I was definitely going to die and how sad people will think it is that I never got to see or hold my baby. I worry about everything that most people worry about, but one day from exhaustion I had a complete breakdown that came out of nowhere. I was scared about my baby waking up and that I would have to pick him up, convinced that I would drop him taking him downstairs, scared to even change his nappy. I had changed his nappy and couldn’t remember doing it. I then had awful intrusive thoughts about when if I hurt him and not even realised. I got scared that what if I’d hurt him at any point before or if hurt him again in the future and not know. I literally didn’t know what to do and just kept saying to myself that I couldn’t have another day of having those thoughts. I got help the next day, and it was only then I realised how common these thoughts are and that EVERYTHING I was thinking was normal. That alone made me feel so much better. It took me around 2 months to get over it. I was very scared to get help as I thought my baby would get taken away from me. I told my boyfriend everything I was thinking first (as I thought if I wasn’t safe to be around my baby then he would tell me) and then spoke to my health visitor who then sorted help for me. I still find myself daydreaming and imagining horrible things (imagining crashing the car etc but I snap out of it and tell myself that it is silly thinking like that) but I know that it’s ok if I feel as awful as I did before that I would just be having a bad day again and that I would get over it with help. I wouldnt have had help and support of it hasn’t spoken up – and it makes me really sad that others may not speak up in fear that they think their child may be taken from them. Always speak up, do it for you and your child 🙂
- I have often visualized driving across the path of a big truck and the car being crushed and me dying.
- I have this fear that while my baby is playing on the floor I will step on her by accident. Or I will drop her over the banister at the top of our staircase so I hold her extra tight around that corner. I’m afraid that she has stopped breathing in the middle of the night. I’m afraid to leave her alone for too long. I want to cry all the time. I hate sex. I hate when my husband makes me feel like I made the wrong choice about anything having to do with our baby.
- I’m stuck in a loop my parents are plotting to take my baby from me. My birth mother was unstable and took anger out on the kids, they never gave my husband a chance, and my Dad mentioned in passing that we shook our baby to burp him. I check over my shoulder for anyone paying attention to us in the grocery store. My fear is they’re right and I am an unfit mother.
- I was so terrified as soon as he was born, a consistent thought for the first few days/weeks was that the only way to get sleep and heal was if “he wasn’t here.” I felt like a terrible mother and was sure I had made an awful mistake.
- I thought I was unfit to be a mother and that by giving birth I ruined three lives; that of our daughter, my boyfriend and my own.
(We are all very happy now!)
- I knew that I wasn’t capable of being the mom my son deserved and thought he & my husband would be better off if I died and my husband found a good wife & mother.
- I am terrified on the highway since my son was born. The fear developed overtime and I can no longer drive on the highway, let alone handle being a passenger. I thought it would not scare me so much if my son was not in the car but it doesn’t matter. Anytime I know I will be going on the highway I am in panic-mode all day. My husband does not understand the fear at all and says I make him anxious when he is driving.
- I constantly have images of me hurting my baby. The images are so vivid and terrifying that sometimes I have to put my baby down and go to another room to cry, whenever this happens I feel that my whole body is on fire and I itch everywhere I end up turning red. I’ve tried to explain to my partner that I need help but he doesn’t get it… I just don’t feel like myself and I don’t know what to do or where to go because I fear I will be judge or worst I will lose my baby because of my poor mothering skills.
- I had thoughts of running away. Suicidal thoughts. Driving off a cliff. These thoughts were repetitive. My stomach felt like it was in knots. I asked my husband “please put me out of my misery”. I wanted the “sinking, miserable feeling” and anger to end. I wanted to die. I had rage. I hated the world. I hated my husband. Everything seemed like it was a conspiracy.
- My entire pregnancy and labor/delivery I just knew in my heart I was going to die during child birth and my daughter would grow up without a mom. 4 months pp I’m still here. I’ve never told anyone this before.
- I’d always been an anxious person but that escalated when my son was born. I’d wanted to be pregnant for so long, having had breast cancer at a young age, but then when he was born the change of lifestyle was just so abrupt that I longed for my old life back. And that longing mixed with guilt at not immediately loving motherhood was a horrible cocktail of anxiety and unhappiness. My body was a mess, my life was a mess, my home was a mess, I couldn’t see my friends or leave the house without massive organisation. I fantasized about what I would be doing if I was back in my old life & this made me feel so guilty but also so sad at what I’d lost. Then I was super anxious about keeping him on a schedule. I obsessed over doing everything at a particular time every day. It was almost like my anxiety found a home in the compulsion of establishing a daily routine. As the routine became more entrenched in my life, the monotony of the routine started to break me down bit by bit. I couldn’t fathom a time where my life would ever be interesting & carefree again.
Now he’s 4 months old & definitely things are getting easier. I love him with all my heart & I now realise that what I felt was normal & expected as a new mom. We need to speak the secret thoughts we all hide. They don’t make us bad people, in fact they make us stronger. We are amazing, all moms are absolutely amazing.
- After my son was born, I was afraid of him. Like sometimes I would look at him in the dark in the middle of the night and he would look back at me and I was positive that he was evil. It terrified me and I never told anyone about it.
- I resent my baby for being so miserable and I fear my resentment will somehow manifest a terrible tragedy or that he will die or become disabled and it will be my fault . I fear he will be a challenging child too and it makes me want to just leave him. I feel like I don’t want my kids & im wrecking them by being so inept. I want to leave them every day.
- With my first child, I was convinced that there would be a fire in the house while I was having sex, and that the baby would die in the fire. With my second, I was even more of a mess. I was convinced I was going to hurt him, to stab him to death or drop him on a hard floor. I put all my energy into maintaining a facade of happiness and normality while inside I was going crazy. Horrible times. I can’t even remember my second child’s babyhood now, I think I have blanked it out.
- I held my five day old baby girl over the bed and wondered what would happen if I just dropped her. I wouldn’t hold her for days. I regretted getting pregnant and wanted to give her away.
- Sometimes I think about running away. Just get in the car and never come back.
- I had thoughts about getting up in the middle of the night and just driving away and disappearing. I just wanted to be alone.
- When I was young my father took me to see an old Navy aircraft carrier that had been turned into a museum. I would love to share this experience with my own son, but all I can think of is him falling from the ship into the gator infested waters below. Even though I know there are barriers around the ship I can’t help but be sure it would happen if I took him.
- I have seen my son’s face turn blue. I have felt him go limp in my arms. I have screamed for the NICU nurse, certain that this time he wouldn’t come back. He’s 18 months now; our NICU days are long past. But I still wake up in the middle of the night – in a blind panic – CERTAIN that he stopped breathing. It’s like a part of me dies every time it happens. I don’t know how many parts there are left.
- I hear all the time how my thoughts are unfounded. My husband. My family. “You’re just a worry wart.” and “It’s all in your head.” they say to me.
The family next to us in the NICU with their two tiny boys. Going home with one boy. One, when there should have been two.
Don’t tell me my fears are unfounded. I’ve seen what can happen. My eyes are open. Sometimes I just want to yell! It’s all in my head?! No. This illusion of the immortality of the innocent is all in YOUR head.
- When my daughter was 18 months her father and I separated and she wouldn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time at night. I work full time and had no help with her. I started seeing visions of her being smothered with a pillow like it was a movie playing on repeat every night. After several nights I took myself to the hospital. While that was a terrible experience in its self I was able to finally take the steps I needed to get real help. Now the hard days are fewer and farther Apart. They are still there, they still happen but they don’t last for as long or consume me.
- I feel completely inadequate as a mother when my baby doesn’t feed properly, doesn’t sleep and basically needs holding 24/7. I feel like I’m a single mum but I’m married! I feel like I’m going utterly batshit crazy and sometimes I think I never should have had this baby or give her up for adoption…
- As I was in the shower I pictured that I was giving my baby a bath but the water temperature was extremely hot or extremely cold.
- I’m convinced there is something wrong with my baby. And googling things all day long does not help. I’m so anxious I have frequent panic attacks and just sometimes want my life to end.
- I have intrusive thoughts of my baby dying. I’m regularly imaging us getting in a horrible car accident, or him falling and getting fatally injured. I try so hard to push them away, but sometimes they are overwhelming.
- I’ve actually been rough with my baby during the struggle of making him sleep. All other times I seem to be doing fairly well but I just can’t take any shit at nap/sleep times. One time when my baby was fussing and I was getting angrier with rage, baby brought his finger near my mouth. And I had this huge urge to bite him I was so furious. And I was instantly glad I actually didn’t do it. But then it scared me to death by what I just felt like doing to my baby. Biting someone with anger is an instant reaction and it made me so so scared that I had this feeling with my baby. I got more depressed thinking what if I had really bitten him that day. I would have been proved mad and my baby taken away from me. So far I’ve felt this twice and hate myself for this.
- I’m afraid to take my son anywhere. I just want to stay home with him because I feel like it’s the only place I can keep him safe. But at the same time as I’m falling asleep I have to check the front door at least 4 times to make sure it’s locked, because I’m afraid someone will break in and steal him. I’m afraid of someone taking him away from me because he’s the only thing that keeps me going.
- Everytime I walk near the stairs I imagine my 3 months old baby falling of my arms downstairs. Everytime she turns her head while she’s sleeping and I can’t see her face I think she’s suffocating. All the time I’m thinking the she is gonna be sick or have cancer and we’ll be on of these families that lose their one and only child. And I’m will die if this happen to me. I’m thinking all the time that something bad will happen, just because i had difficulty to have her with IVF’s and etc. But I would give my life for her.
- When my baby had otitis when she was 55 days old and went to hospital for 8 days to take antibiotics, I thought that she will be psychotic when she grows up because of the traumatic experience…
- Falling down stairs and crushing my daughter (I’ve fallen down a curb before while holding her). Crashing the car with her in it. Me surviving but not her.
Scaring her because a symptom of anxiety I get is that I get acutely upset and panic.
- I had intrusive thoughts with all three of my children. With the first I had visions of dropping them down the stairs, with the second I imagined opening a window and dropping them out and with the third I imagined opening the lit stove and putting them onto the fire. I even imagined my husband coming home and asking Where’s the baby? Oh I put him in the fire. They were terrifying but after my first baby I learnt about intrusive thoughts and that they are “normal”. My husband also had them.
- I just found this website today and the minute I read the symptoms, I sobbed. I’ve been dealing with scary thoughts for 3 or 4 months now. My son is almost 7 months old. I’ve been obsessed with always wanting him to feel comfortable and safe. To the point that he always sleeps with me. The only time he naps on his own is at daycare.
This obsession probably stems from my abusive childhood.
But it’s led me to all of these horrible and vivid thoughts of my baby somehow being put in a situation where he is made to feel unsafe or comforted. Whether it’s by me or not. Car accidents, where he’s hurt and wants his mommy but I can’t get to him and his last moments are spent wondering where I am.
Or me hurting him and him reaching out to me to get me to stop and love him
Or some one else hurting him.Or something happening to me and he never gets the comfort he needs from anyone else.
Once, I was holding him peacefully and out of nowhere i imagined myself flinging him across the room. I remember feeling flushed and nauseous at the image.
I read a brief article a month ago about PPOCD and felt some relief because I was worried that I was beginning to have symptoms of psychosis. My mother had it and my sister had severe PPD.
I felt relieved that there was a name for what I was feeling and I had been having a much easier time with it. But the last few days have been bad and I had a dream lastnight that has had me in such a state all day that I climbed on top of my son and stabbed him. And he was reaching out to me and grabbing my arms, but I wouldn’t stop. This hurts to type.Who imagines this kind of stuff about their own baby?!What kind of mother am i?? I keep telling myself it will get better. That this is normal and it’s due to loving something more than i have ever imagined. I’ve been putting off scheduling an appointment with my therapist, who I had lined up before I had my son to help prevent this. But I really thought I had this all under control and id be able to proudly say I didn’t have PPD.But I realize that now I need to talk about it and get help. I finally told my fiance and we are going to get me some help. I just can’t believe I tried to ignore this.
- While driving to help my reflux baby sleep, beyond exhausted myself, I would fantasize about driving into the lake in the middle of a Canadian winter. How that would mean we could both get some rest.
- I was awake at 3am, with my kitchen trash spread across my entire apartment, digging for tiny pieces of plastic I had thrown away earlier. I NEEDED to find every. Single. One. If I didn’t get up and count them to make sure, one could be in my son’s crib and suffocate him. And it would be my fault.
- I had, and still do, thoughts of regret of having my son. I’ve wished for my “old life” back so many times. I’ve had thoughts of “what I have done”, “this was a bad idea”, “I don’t want him anymore”, or “I never should have had him”. It makes me feel so terrible and so ashamed. I love him, I really do. I have great days with him and I am glad I had him. But sometimes motherhood is so hard and my depression and anxiety cripple me and these thoughts enter my head and I just feel so bad for thinking them.
- I didn’t plan to get pregnant with my daughter and even though she’s almost 14 months old I’m still coming to terms with it. Still!! I’m so lucky- great partner, financially stable, no infertility struggles when I know so many who have them. Yet, I still find myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten pregnant and romanticizing that “would be” life. It’s not fair to my family and I know that but I just feel like I’ve lost so much of myself the last few years. Sometimes I wish it hadn’t happened even though I love my daughter and I have a wonderful life. Then I feel like a terrible person.
- My baby girl is 8 months old today. Since she was born I have had almost every thought described in this campaign. I have thought (and pictured it very vividly and graphically) that she’ll die in a million ways: in a car crash, fell from my balcony, killed by my neighbor’s dog, choked by any small object, drowned while bathing, kidnapped, caught a disease, or ran over by a car and a train, to name a few. It’s exhausting. I am constantly alert and constantly anxious. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night or I wake up at 3:00 am invaded by those thoughts and can’t go back to sleep again. It is hard to enjoy my beautiful healthy baby and my blessed life. I am driving my husband crazy because he can’t understand why I behave like this. I feel that I’ve become insane, I feel alone, I feel I’m doing a bad job as her mom and that she deserves so much better than me. It is pure torture. Does this ever go away? Am I going to be like this the rest of my life?
- I am anxious. There,I said it. I’ve never had an issue with anxiety and yet here I am totally consumed by anxiety. I hardly get any sleep as baby has some kind of sleep disorder (or it’s my fault he doesn’t sleep from responding too quickly or cosleeping and disturbing his sleep). My perfectionism is out of control, so much so that I’m unbearable around my 12yr old and partner. I feel so strung out and overly sensitive that I can hardly bear any stimulus at all and ask people to lower their voices. Total party pooper. I cook and clean up and research all day long in between walking, interacting with and tending baby. I feel totally unsupported physically and emotionally by my partner who I’ve driven crazy not doubt with my anxiety but who, honestly, doesn’t seem to ‘adult’ well and never (I’m actually not kidding) cooks.
- I feel that I can’t speak about my ppd to anyone as I’m diagnosed with bipolar disorder and scared they’ll take my toddler away… So I’ve kept everything to myself for two and a half years.
- I had scary intrusive thoughts about hurting both myself and my baby…smothering her with a pillow, driving my car off a bridge…they scared the crap out of me….I later learned that the fact that they scared me so bad meant I wouldn’t act on any of them.
- For a few months after my second child was born, I regularly felt like I wanted to drive my car into a wall. Not enough to kill me, but enough to hospitalise myself for a week so I could have a break. My husband was working ridiculous and long hours at the time and I have no family locally who could help out. When I broke down at the drs she said I was exhausted and needed to focus on me. I still occasionally feel like this but admitting to people motherhood sucks some of the time helps me a lot.
- Pre-partum stress is real too. I am terrified by the feeling that my body is being taken over by another living being growing inside me.
- I can’t hold my son when we take him to hockey games for fear I will drop him over the ledge into the section below.
- I had a lot of scary thoughts during the first weeks of being a new mom. Sleep deprived and stressed out, the scariest was that if I just jumped off my balcony, I’d be free of my baby. That was the lowest point and since then never thought it again.
- When I was on maternity, I thought about just leaving. Leaving the little guy with his dad and getting on with my life.
- I had one infant and was pregnant with a second when the Andrea Yates story broke. Everyone around me kept talking about “those poor children with their crazy mother”. All I could think was “that poor woman with all those children”. I spent weeks planning how I could do it and get away with it. In the end I decided I wouldn’t want to get away with it, because I would feel bad and deserve to be punished – which eventually led to maybe I shouldn’t do it – but it took almost two years before I stopped fantasizing about it.
- It is such a relief to read these thoughts and realize I’ve had so many of the same ones. When I went back to work after maternity leave, I couldn’t watch or read any news about bad things happening to other babies or children, and would immediately picture my daughter as the person in those news stories, with horrible things happening to her.
- I used to wake up in a panic, thinking the baby was somewhere in the bed, or that I fell asleep holding her in bed and forgot to put her back in her crib.
- The thought of someone breaking into our house or kidnapping her for child sex trafficking.
- One of the first nights when we came home from the hospital, we were so sleep deprived and panicking because she wouldn’t stop crying. I turned to my husband and asked, “can we give her back?!”
- I have this fear that my daughter will fall off a play structure or down a steep incline while hiking, break her head open and die. Probably stems from my own fear of heights. I am also terrified that my 7 year old will drop or harm the baby by accident and that i will hate her for it.
- I was convinced that all the stress I’d experienced during pregnancy had caused brain-damage, and that, as a result, my beautiful, perfect infant would grow up to be a sociopath; alternatively I worried that my baby could sense my intense post partum anxiety and interpret it as ambivalence, causing her to disconnect from me and disrupt our bond.
- I imagined someone putting my baby in the microwave. I also imagined her on an open field in the cold, abandoned. Then, I would cry.
- I imagined throwing my baby out of the window, or down the stairs, or in front of a car.
I imagined bashing his head on the corners of furniture.
I imagined holding him under the water while I gave him a bath.
I imagined doing sexual acts with him.
It was absolutely horrendous. I was terrified that I was a complete monster – after all, what kind of a mother imagines harming her own child?
I also had “what if” thoughts: what if my husband and I die, who would look after him? where would he live? would his “new parents” love him? what if they smacked him? I ought to write out lists of what he likes to eat and drink and describe his favourite toys and games because if anything happens to me then no-one will know how to look after him.
What if we are in a car accident and the car is so damaged that they don’t realise that he is still alive in there because they can’t see him.
What if I’m in a storm or a flood and I’m not strong enough to hold onto him and I have to let him go?
What if armed men come into our house? – they would reach his bedroom first. I wouldn’t be able to save him.
What if I had to choose between the life of my husband or the life of my child?
I don’t watch the news anymore and don’t watch many films now because it’s too hard. I just can’t cope with the thoughts that come to me as a result.
- A healthcare worker once said to me ‘i bet you cant remember your life without her now’ when my daughter was 3 weeks old and i thought yes… yes I can and it was much better than this. This is awful.
- I used to seriously fear my daughter would die in the night and i would plan her funeral in my head obssessively. I wish i had sought help.
- I had twins and used to frequently think that if I didn’t do exactly the same for each they’d develop some kind of attachment disorder.
At my very lowest I experienced intrusive thoughts that I’d walk in to find my babies dead in their cot. In my head I could see them blue and rigour mortised. It was horrific.
- I’m scared that I’ll never even meet my baby following birth. I feel disconnected this pregnancy and it hasn’t been an enjoyable time. As punishment, I think, I feel like I’m going to die or she is and I’ll never know my baby.
- I think sometimes that I am just not wired to be a mother. I wasn’t born with the nurturing instincts hat other women seem to have. My son is now one year old and my most vivid memories of our time together so far are the ones when I failed as a mother – when I was impatient, frustrated, or sad. I deal with an overwhelming amount of guilt everyday. Sometimes I think he would be better off with a different mommy. I am pregnant with our second and I am terrified of just screwing everything up a second time.
- I’m scared to talk to a therapist about the thoughts/feelings I’ve had since having my son because I’m afraid that they’ll want to take him away and send me away too. In my frustration I have been rough with my son before (like when he wouldn’t take a bottle I would force it into his mouth or when he was crying a lot and not napping I would hold his pacifier in his mouth even though he didn’t want it) , and I’m scared that a professional will think I’m an abusive parent.
On the flip side I just want someone to confirm my belief that I’m a horrible mother and that I don’t deserve to have children.
All I can think is “What kind of mother gets so frustrated with her own baby?”
- I had postpartum for 14 months with my second child. I didn’t know what was wrong with me I had NO kind of Connection with my daughter and I was clueless to why. Giving birth is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Every morning I woke up id instantly start to cry and scream at everybody and wanted nothing to do with my newborn I wanted to die I wanted to give my daughter up. I wasn’t able to take care of her if i wanted to. Postpartum is a real scary thing and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I honestly thought I wouldn’t survive it.
- I used to wonder what would happen if I just dropped my baby and considered doing it just to see … I knew it would hurt her, so I didn’t do it but then I thought one day I’ll just let her fall. What was wrong with me I thought… I love her.
- I’ve been struggling since having my youngest my aniexty has got worse and depression I’d never hurt my babies but when I’m trying to sleep I have bad thoughts all the time, like she just stops breathing or she gets run over by a car or someone kidnaps her and kills her. Some of the things I see in my head are so disturbing it scares me so much. I don’t know what brings it on but id like it to leave it scares me to death wish I could take it away nothing seems to work. I never sleep I have peace of mind when she is sleeping with me then I can feel her with me 🙁
- I worry that my son will slip out of my arms taking a bath and I’ll just watch him drown instead of saving him.
- Whenever I’m alone I image what would happen to us if my husband died. I almost always settle on putting my son up for adoption and killing myself…
- The neighbors will call CPS. They’ll show up on a really bad day. They’ll take him away and everyone in my life will hate me.
- After sleeping through my first born’s birthday due to being put to sleep for an unplanned c section, latching difficulty, and my milk only coming in on one side (and promptly leaving), I have convinced myself in my head that I am somehow less of a mom for not pushing, not being conscious when he arrived, and not being able to breastfeed… and that any other responsible adult could offer my son what he needs and that I am no different than anyone else in his life. As a result, images of other moms giving birth or breastfeeding their babies trigger me into painful tears, daily, since he was born, five months ago.
- I can’t even remember giving birth to my son, i was blacking out through the entire labor process. I feel awful for asking my family questions about what happened. I’m terrified i’ll come off as uncaring if i tell anyone about my experience.
- I had debilitating ppd/ppa with my son who’s now 4. I resented him and everything he took away from me… we had the hardest time breastfeeding until 5.5 mos in and then he just stopped nursing so I had to exclusively pump for him and then I really hated him bc pumping is misery. He wouldn’t nurse and then he wouldn’t eat solids. He was allergic to dairy formula and I refused to give him soy. I don’t think I really felt love for him until he was 18 mos when my milk dried up and he started sleeping through the night instead of waking 10+ times a night. It took me a long time to get back to a good place and I felt like myself and got pregnant again bc I always wanted two. And I mostly feel ok but sometimes the stress gets me and today I had the worst intrusive thought. I was driving home from dropping my son at daycare and caught sight of my 7 month old daughter in her mirror and out of nowhere there it was: i thought it would be nice to drop by my friends house to see her and her daughter and I imagined pulling out a gun and shooting myself in the head. It was so quick and so awful. I don’t feel suicidal but there it was. A gut punch and I started sobbing. I’m a good mom. I know I’m a good mom. I don’t want these thoughts.
- I am angry and sad that my first year with my son is clouded with my regrets about how I’ve already failed as a mother. When I look at photos from this past year I don’t see the happy moments, my brain automatically begins to list all the things I did wrong. I constantly have a highlight reel playing in my head of all of my worst moments as a mother. I’m now pregnant with or second baby and I’m absolutely terrified of screwing everything up again. I want to scream because I feel like this should have been so much better.
- Not being able to feel like myself again. And that I will go crazy, and it would be to hard for me to get better. And that I’m going to be the type of person, that won’t be able to leave their house. Cause taking on the world is a scary thing. And I wish that I can just, be able to leave my baby with his dad. And have a day to myself. But I feel like I can’t cause, I need to be there for him. But when I’m near him, all I want to do is get away from him. And sometimes I feel like I’m going to stop breathing and die, cause my brain is getting the best of me.
- I began to resent my husband for all the “good” sleep he was getting and I became mean and disgruntled because of that.
- I thought I “hated” my toddler for demanding so much while I had to take care of the new baby. I was angry all of the time. I had to physically bite my own tongue so as not to yell and curse. I just want some alone time. Just a little bit like even 20 minutes to shower alone and comb my hair, but I feel like a bad mom for wanting that. I am their eveything. But I am mad and mean and grouchy and I trying to accept that my personal life is now over. I know its not true but this is how I feel.
- I regretted having her and ruining the perfect happy family my husband and I had before she was born. I hated when she cried and I couldn’t “fix” it and I would yell at her “JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT”, which would turn into me sobbing that over and over until my husband would wake up and take her from me. Then I felt like I was the worst mother ever for not knowing what my baby needed. When she caught her first cold that turned into bronchiolitis it was again my fault that she couldn’t breathe properly and was wheezing. The fact I couldn’t fix her breathing issues threw me into a tailspin and I would have a panic attack just listening to her struggle to breathe. I wanted to be the perfect mother that was in sync with every need my baby had, and not achieving that was unacceptable and everyone would think I was a terrible mother and take her away from me.
- I couldn’t stop thinking I’d be hurt while my older child was at school and I was home alone with the baby. I worried I’d fall down the stairs or get into a car accident and no one would be there to get my 5 year old off the bus. That the baby would be hurt and screaming for hours before my husband came home.
- I recently saw When The Bough Breaks and realized I am only just now at the end of it.
It could have been me. How far was I from killing myself? From accidentally hurting my babies or worse? Where was my family? Why didn’t anyone intervene? Will it be easier for me to start treatment if I get it next time? Why don’t women matter?
- When my son was a baby he had terrible gas issues that took awhile to figure out. We learned he was lactose intolerant and his formula was hurting him. He would just be up all hours screaming and crying and it was almost impossible to get him to stop unless you were holding him to your chest and bending over and coming back up, over and over again. Only when he was being held and moved like that would he stop crying. I was a single mom and it was just so hard. i remember one particularly hard night, i was exhausted and just feeling so defeated and he just wouldnt shut up. The image of me swinging his head into the side of a nearby nightstand repeatedly, just so he’d shut up, played in my head. No one would have to know, we could just get some sleep, everything would be ok. I felt so horrible for the thought in my head. i of course would never and have never hurt my son but it was just so hard doing everything alone without any kind of support or support system.
As the years have gone by i periodically think if i should have ever had kids, if im meant to have kids. Ive always wanted kids its always been my dream but maybe im not supposed to? maybe im forcing it? some people arent meant to have kids, maybe im one of them?
i have never sought out treatment out of embarrassment or shame or just not having the tools or opportunity to. I’ve been much better and have really pulled myself along for a really long time. Im so ready and excited to finally be stable and be able to have more kids! But sometimes im still terrified… what if having another kids sets it all off again and its so much worse than it was the first time? what if i really go off the deep end? Maybe there is this monster inside me just ready and waiting and trying to claw its way out of me and ill do something horrible?
Recently ive been terrified someone is in my sons room hiding in his closet and waiting for me to go to sleep so he can come out and rape my son. Im afraid there are people who regularly come to watch him through his window as he sleeps. Every night i tuck him into bed and say good night and then i wait and i go in again and check the closet and under his bed and out his window to make sure no one is there to hurt him. i usually check twice a night and still go to bed worried someone is there.
- I kept feeling the distinct warmth of blood on my hands as the thoughts of stabbing my son raced through my mind.
- I feared having a knife at my disposal in the kitchen because I wondered what if I hurt my baby with it. Also fear of a househelp hurting my baby.
- Sometimes my anxiety has me so on edge that every noise has me on the edge of panic. I have a three year old and a one year old. If there is no noise something bad is happening or they are asleep, but if I’m also trying to sleep every noise on the baby monitor must mean something bad is happening. It doesn’t end, because not sleeping means my postpartum anxiety and depression is worse.
- I worry my boyfriends family is trying to take my son from me because they think I’m not a good enough mother and they want him all for themselves…
- I was afraid that I would accidentally lose control of myself in some way and kill or hurt my baby, so much that I had reoccurring dreams about it, I knew I would never do it, but I thought about killing myself to make the thoughts stop. But I was terrified that if I killed myself no one would take care of my baby the “right” way. I never got help, eventually the thoughts went away on their own but it was a miserable year or so until they did. I lost a lot of weight and became emaciated because I struggled to eat and sleep.
- I am constantly scared that my baby will get a fever. I get scared all the time that I will hurt him. I love when my partner helps with the baby but I also get jealous and fear that my baby won’t like me anymore.
- I am so scared of literally everything. My son is 8 now and I get such severe anxiety that something bad is going to happen that I send myself almost into panic attacks. I don’t want to hinder him from experiencing life because of my fears but I want to protect him at all cost. Its gets really hard and I stay exhausted.
- I’m due in less then 2 weeks with my 3rd child which was not planned or expected at all. And all I can think about is how my other children are going to hate me because I’ll be spending all my time with a baby that I’m worried I won’t be able to love as much as my other children especially because me and her father really don’t get along..
- What if im sick what if i can’t be around any more for my babies i get that scared that im always going to the doctors or the hospital
- I thought was wasn’t going to be a good mom and I was scared hold my baby at first. The couple of months were HARD and sometimes I still struggle with postpartum ALOT. Sometimes I feel like know one understands what I am going through. POSTPARTUM IS STRUGGLE IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE!!
- Someone left 18 seconds on the microwave and my first thought was that my baby would die in 18 days.
- Letting him play by himself is terrifying. Like he’ll hurt himself on something. Letting him sleep in his own room, he’ll fall out of the crib and vet hurt, or wrap himself in his sleep sack and choke, I won’t hear it. That I won’t wake from the baby monitor. If I’m looking down at my phone/cooking he’ll hurt himself. They’ll test his blood and find out I’ve had a drink and take him away from me. That I’m creating a bratty child by being home with him all the time which will ruin his relationship with his Father. That I’m doing everything wrong so God will take him from me because I don’t deserve to be a Mom (I had an abortion due to being raped and I still struggle with guilt).
- 1)That I Was Gonna Find My Baby Dead When I Fell Asleep And Some Up To Check On Her. 2)Anything To Do With SIDS 3)That My 1yr Old Isn’t Gonna Love Me And Our Bond Was Going To Be Broken Bc I Have A Newborn 4)Something Happen To Me Or My Husband. 5)My Kids Being Away From Me And Something Happening To Them.
- I broke my ankle 5 yrs ago. I had surgery to fix it. At the time I I’ll my had a 9 month old. I went home & took my meds like I was told. I had no help from no one at the time. My boyfriend work all day, my mother worked nights , & his family & I didn’t get along at that time. Well one day I was in so much pain. I took my pain meds. Long story short I fell on top of my child. At the time I was over 200 pounds. Took my child to the hospital, was told his skull was cracked. Cps stepped in right away. Took my child away. I got pregnant while cps was still looking into my life. Well they took that child away too. For 2 yrs I went threw hell. Not just with myself but with my family too. My oldest sister adopted my children. She makes them call her mom & her husband dad. My boyfriend & I are now tia & tio. Last yrs I had my last baby. My last child is 9 months I’m so scared my sister will call cps on me . I’m scared cps will step in & take my child away.I don’t trust anyone. (My older sister called cps on one of my friends& got her children taken away. If she can do it to her than she can do it to me)
- My baby sleeping and im asleep as well and she chokes on milk while she sleep and I wake up to a dead baby.
- We have a ceramic sink in the kitchen, and I would see myself smashing my baby daughters head against it. So much so I eventually wouldn’t allow myself to go into the kitchen with her.
- I frequently have a strong fear that my partner might be sexually abusing our daughter. I have no reason to think this other than my own history. It’s horrible to think such things about a man who is such a great dad.
- During this year’s horrific flu season, I was petrified of my baby catching the flu. I would barely allow my older children to get even close to the baby in case they had the flu and weren’t showing symptoms yet, and I had to wash/sanitize my hands after touching anything. Nothing in our house was clean, and I had a panic attack after my children came down with a case of the sniffles. We also had deer mice somehow coming into our house, and I was convinced that we all were going to catch Hantavirus and die.
- My baby will stop breathing or choke and I will lose him
- Whenever I go to the mall I have had these thoughts like what if my baby falls from the third floor, imagining I threw him out from a certain level, or while we’re on the escalator.
- My sweet husband is the most incredible father…he has been from day one. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking that he might harm my daughter. This is beyond disturbing and irrational but my mind keeps going there. These thoughts are so powerful that I find excuses to be in the same room with them. I feel awful about this and could never tell him – this secret eats at me.
- My imagination turned everything and anything into a weapon. I couldn’t even charge my phone without having terrible thoughts of strangling my baby. I would have physical responses to these thoughts-I would get hot and my heart would beat faster. I wanted to hold her close to protect her, and get as far away from her as possible at the same time. I was absolutely certain I was going insane. I am so glad I got help when I did.
- I was convinced my baby was going to get the flu and die. I was terrified that she would get dropped down the stairs either by me or someone else. I also convinced myself that my baby hated me and loved everyone else.
- Even though we are almost 1 1/2 years post partum, I can’t help feeling like I’m a crap mom, I’m failing my son, and he would be better off without me. Part of me knows I’m being ridiculous, but I can’t seem to stop.
- I got fired from my job this week after one day back from maternity leave. Right now I was told by my fiancé that I live a very secluded life. I feel like I could die.
- I thought I wouldn’t be a good mom and able to financially provide, so I thought of drinking bleach and leaving my husband and baby without me as a burden.
- From the time i brought her home, it started with ” what if i dropped her on the hard floor” or what if i hit her head on the wall while leaving the room” what if i break her bones while changing her clothes. then they got worse. by the time of her two month checkup “vaccinations” were the devil to me. what if she died from her shots. when i would go to google they would always say that “vaccinations is what caused babies to have sids” and i would been so much in my head that i would think shes was going to die right then and there and i would have to watch her breathe for at least 10 days before i felt calm. then i started to have really bad intrusive thoughts. ” what if i push her ribs in” ” what if i drop her hard” ” what if i kill her” THE WORST FEELINGS EVER.
- Every time I’m sitting near the coffee table with my baby, I imagine his head getting smashed by the table. I don’t envision doing it. Just the divistating injury.
- I feel so much rage and anger towards my husband since having children that I fantasize about him dying young so I can marry someone better, guilt free.
- Sometimes I think of throwing my baby from the second floor of our house down to the first floor. Splat.
- I have watched many news items of men raping months old babies. I have a vivid imagination, and I graphically imagine it happening to my daughter. By far, that is the most awful thought I have. And now, I am so terrified of being out with her because men might see her, follow us home, attack us, and do the exact thing to her.
- I wasn’t suicidal, but I had come to the conclusion that if I were to die, that would be okay. If my baby were to die, that would be okay. I was not okay.
- I would be terrifed that I’d drop a pot of boiling water on my baby when moving the pot from stove to sink, even if she weren’t near me. The fear drove me to tears.
- The day i found out I was pregnant I was so disappointed in myself. I thought of every option but having or keeping her. Then my fiance assured me everything would be okay. His mother my mother they all said it would be okay… No one listened to me. I have seizures I thought I would die. The further along in my pregnancy I got the better I felt about it. Until his mom told me she would have her son leave me and they would take the baby if I didn’t cook and clean her house. The more I spent time there the more depressed I got. 5 days before I gave birth it was my birthday, I didn’t get to celebrate it and we were kicked out by his mother. When we were at the hospital just about anything went wrong I had been leaking all day so I had to have a c section. His mother was there telling me what I was doing wrong and what I needed to do. When we were released and visited her she threatened me with dfs, all of which lead me to having ppd. I would never give my daughter up for anything or hurt her. But I think about running away often. And hiding and pulling out my hair. I love her so much now. After she was born I couldn’t look at her for days. I hated her father. And i hated the fact that nothing was my choice or even talked about. I had to go through a life changing experience that had the biggest toll on my mind and body and why? Cause he didn’t want to wear a condom. But it’s okay cause we’re getting married?
- I convinced myself that my daughter, who was only 3 months, hated me.
- I have this constant fear that I am going to violently kill my three children in my sleep. I dream it, I see visions of it, and I’m scared it will happen. It ends the same every time, we have a peaceful night then I go to sleep and wake up covered in blood.
- My kids are now almost 4 and almost 2 and I’m still scared all the time—that when we drive places we will get in a horrific car accident and I’ll die and leave them behind with no mother or that they’ll die and I will survive; I worry at the playground that they will fall off the play equipment and land in some freak way that will cause them to break their neck or hit their head; I worry that they will be diagnosed with cancer. All. The. Time. And all that overwhelming worry makes me so anxious that I get so angry, I just explode and yell at them, overreacting to small, normal kid things. Recently I yelled at my youngest and my older son went and comforted him, telling him it was ok, mommy still loves him. What kind of mother puts her 3 year old and 1 year old in a position like that? But I know they do need me, so I keep trying and failing, but hopefully failing less as time goes on.
- My baby is 1 year old & no one knows that I still think about running away sometimes because I don’t think he cares that much about me & I convince myself of that because I was abused. I believe I will somehow mess him up.
- Everything constantly goes thru my mind. Fear my child will get strangled in bed from loose clothing/blankets, kidnaping, car accident, cancer. I also worry I’ll get cancer and leave my baby without a mom.
- I used to imagine the stroller getting away from my husband by the street and getting hit by a car or someone snatching it…but when babywearing I imagined falling on her and smashing her with my overweight body. I also could not trust my dogs around her and I still don’t trust daycares. I’m starting therapy soon and even then, she will be with me.
- I’m scared i will wake up and my baby boy won’t be breathing im scared to carry him lifeless and to see him laying in a coffin i fear i won’t see him grow.I used to babywear my infant while cooking dinner and when I’d open the oven door, I’d get these images in my head of my baby somehow falling out of his carrier and falling into the heated oven and the door snapping shut and locking as I frantically tried to pull it open. I’d shake my head vigorously to make the images go away and was convinced I was insane.
- I was afraid to get into the car with my kids. Every time I closed my eyes I heard the sound of crunching metal.
- I wouldn’t open the door for anyone. I was afraid someone was going to come take my babies.
- Breastfeeding or cuddling the baby and thinking about puncturing the soft spot on top of her head.
- Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I just want to throw in the towel. Many times I thought about it selfishly on why I had kids. I knew it would be hard but this hard?! I tend to be an overachiever and always busy never being able to relax. I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old and they don’t get along much. This is not what I wanted and I feel it’s my duty to make them like each other and love one another. My husband doesn’t understand because he thinks I am a great mom and my kids love me but I feel that they will wish I was different when they get older. I have many thoughts about “running” or “hightailing” it out of here and never coming back but I couldn’t do that to them or my husband. I don’t know how I got so lucky with someone who supportive and loving but those evil thoughts still exist. The “what if’s”, “what will happens”, “how come this is what’s going on” and “why did this happen to me’s”. I take it day by day. Breath by breath. I miss my time alone. I rarely get it. I feel so needed, touched and exhausted. I am only 1 person and I am slowing forgetting who I am besides just being a mother. I chalk it up to being even more tired than usual even with the meds I am on but I still feel so lost.
- Every time my kids get in a car with my husband or mother, I’m convinced it’s the last time I’m going to see them alive. I will worry and panic until they get home.
- I worry of myself sexually abusing or harming I worry if I’ve not cleaned myself enough, after doing anything sexual with her dad or myself I worry about being clean enough to hold her, I’ve even told my partner that I’d give up all my parental rights to him as I don’t deserve her, I worry in case I’m too rough with her when I pick her up, or when she cries and me and her dad are having private time I feel awful, I really hate feeling this way and wouldn’t want anyone else to feel this way but I kinda hope someone understands this.
- With my first child I would have a intrusive thought of snapping my daughter neck. I could vividly see it. The thought was so intense my hands would tingle. I was so afraid of my own mind. With support from my counseler, family and homeopathic dr I was able to combat my Postpartum Anxiety.
- We have a walk in shower, so we’d bathe our little one with us in the shower. I was terrified to take a shower with her without my husband because the image of me accidentally dropping her on the tile floor was all too real. It got so bad, I could ‘hear’ the sound of her hitting the tile. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to. Telling my husband I was struggling helped me take a little ownership of my anxiety so I could begin coping with the anxiety & depression.
- Had vivid sexual thoughts about my baby, could not even change his diaper…these thoughts would run over and over through my brain and make me physically sick. I was terrified to wake each day in fear of the thoughts I knew were coming. Sleep was the only time I felt peace! Terrified to get help due to not hearing of women having these types of thoughts, but I had to either get help or not be here anymore! I chose help. Thank God.
- After my daughter was born, she went to the NICU. For months after we came home, I was constantly checking her to make sure she was breathing. I would have constant anxiety and thoughts that something terrible was going to happen to her. The cycle repeated fourteen months later when my son was born. I haven’t slept through the night in almost two years. It’s just now starting to get a little better.
- I would have images and thoughts pop in my mind that my baby was going to get stabbed, other a knife would fall on her or maybe I would stab her with scissors. I didn’t want to hurt my baby, but couldn’t stop thinking about it and thinking why I was thinking about it. I hid all the knifes and scissors one day, that is also the day I talked to someone.
- I prayed going in for my csection that something bad would happen and I’d die during it so no one had to put up with me and they wouldn’t be mad at me if I did commit suicide.
- I had images and thoughts of throwing my three month old baby across the room and having him slam into the wall. I would see him slide down, lifeless and quiet. I wanted the quiet, but I did not understand how I could think of hurting my little one like that. It was terrifying. I wondered if I actually could or would act on these thoughts that I couldn’t control.
- I put off purchasing life insurance because I thought it would give me permission to off myself…
- My baby choked on his medicine. He wasn’t breathing right so we called 911. For a few minutes I thought he was going to die. Part of me was relieved he would no longer be in my life and I would no longer be a bad mom.
- I am so very scared that my mother will die before my kids will be old enough to remember her, my mom was diagnosed with dementia 5 years ago and I’m also scared that she will not remember them soon.
- I was convinced that my husband and baby would be better off without me, and thought about suicide regularly.
- Every time I closed my eyes to sleep, I could only see my hand over her face until she suffocated. She was sleeping so peacefully and hardly ever cried. I had to sleep with my mom for a week while I sought help.
- I’m terrified that will kill my baby. I feel a thrill every time I imagine holding my hand over her face until she stops breathing and I feel disgusted at the fact that I do. I want to get help, but I’m scared they’ll take her away from me if I even mention it. I would NEVER hurt my baby, but the thoughts I have.. I don’t like them. I want to get rid of them, but I feel helpless.
- When I became a new mom, I was so afraid someone wanted to come and break into my house and steal my son from my bed. It was terrifying. Now that he’ll enter school, I have terrifying images and feelings that an adult will hurt or abuse him. This anxiety I suffer from makes me feel like I have no control sometimes. They are just thoughts but I am learning how to convince myself about that. It takes a lot of time and learning the skills to control it but it’s still very hard to not let my thoughts bully my mind.
- I don’t like to talk about my birth story because I’m ashamed that I didn’t try harder. I’m ashamed that I got exhausted too soon and that I didn’t know how to control my breathing. I’m angry at myself for not making my husband practice different birthing positions and ways to reassure me. I can’t listen to other women talk about their natural and unmediated births or watch unmediated births. I feel ashamed that I couldn’t do it without an epidural.
- If I’m not playing with my baby when she’s awake or on my phone when she’s asleep my anxiety starts to take over and I can’t stop thinking about running away from her and my husband. I have to be distracted from my thoughts or I become fearful of myself and I can’t function.
- When my son was a newborn, I blamed him for my horrible labor and unplanned c-Section. I would think about taking his face with my fingernails and throwing him down the stairs. Later, when he was older and sleeping terribly, I thought about throwing him out the window.
- When I’m walking next to a road, and there’s a wall on the other side of me, I’m terrified a driver will have a heart attack or similar, and squash the pushchair and me against the wall.
- That maybe I shouldn’t have had a second kid. I love her so much yet she is so much harder then my first. My ppd is the worst it’s been and it’s to the point I wish I could just run away and never be seen again but I know I’m all they have. I’m going to start seeing a therapist hopefully soon because I know I need more help.
- When my son spends the night with his father or grandparents I don’t ever think I’ll see him alive again. I think he’ll die in his sleep and it makes me cry.
- Sometimes I miss my life before my baby. I miss the quiet. I miss the freedom. I feel guilty and selfish. On these days, I have to talk myself into being grateful for my babies and remind myself of the joy they bring to my life…some days, sadly, I still don’t believe it.
- That I’m going to die of a heart attack or some other natural cause while my husband is at work and I’m home alone with my three children. They’re too young to call 911 themselves.
- When I’m driving by myself and my 3 kids are home with my husband, I imagine something terrible faltering at home, like a gas leak or a fire, and they all die. I think about what my life would be like, how I would react, what I would do. Or what would happen if I was killed in an accident away from them. How would their lives be? How would my husband handle the children after my death?
- I lived my adult being committed to being child free.. then my partner and I wanted to have a baby. I surprisingly got pregnant easily, and started having second thoughts early on. The baby was born and I didn’t bond at all. I felt as if we’d made the worst possible mistake… as though we made the decision during temporary insanity. I grieved not being to undo it. I resented the baby, and felt like I wasn’t living my authentic life by becoming a mother. I felt it was all a sham. It’s been a tough 16 months but I finally love my baby. My partner and I wished for a way to give him back for months.
- I thought my newborn was somehow aware of and emotionally scarred by my intrusive thoughts. I was convinced he would”act out” by intetionally hurting me (pull my hair, bite while nursing) because I deserved to be punished by him for my intrusive thoughts.
- I’m not an angry or violent person but I’ve had moments of intense anger towards my son, where I’m holding him and I just want to squeeze him or throw him. Instead I cuddle him, but that moment is scary.
- I would have thoughts that I will squeeze my baby really tight and wouldn’t stop, that I would accidently drop her, or not love her when she’s born. I get so scared of having these thoughts. Scared that I might actually do it, but I know I wouldn’t. I know it’s alot of over thinking and fear, but at times it’s hard to get myself to see that just because I’m thinking like that doesn’t mean I’ll actually do it. I never think of doing it. Its more of a “what if”. I would never hurt my baby. I love her so much and can’t wait to see her and love on her and care for her.
- I am so overwhelmed by my 2 kids that I often daydream of escaping and leaving everything behind.
- I miss my life before having children. I sometimes wish I could just run and never come back home. Life without them seems more appealing. I am overwhelmed.
- I’m really sad. All the time, I love my son so much, he’s 8 months. Almost crawling, pulling himself up! He’s even usually a happy baby minus the teething. I snap over anything, I get horrible thoughts, I’d never hurt him ever but the way I think sometimes makes me feel like I am and he deserves so much better. I know I have ppd & anxiety but I’m too nervous my son will be taken to get help.
- My baby is only 8 mouths. He is very regular e peaceful. But sonetimes,when i’m tired, i would come back at my life before him.
- It’s about time for me to have another kid…I always wanted more kids. Some days, I still want more kids. But most days, I’m so afraid of living through that internal hell of postpartum depression, stress, and anxiety again. I don’t know that I would make it out alive- literally. So many days I thought- “I’m someone who shouldn’t have had any kids. I can’t handle this. This has made everything in my life worse and I regret it.” There are still some days I think that…it’s been over 2 years.
- I see my daughter falling out of my arms or someone who is carrying her, and her head smashes on the ground and is completely crushed.
- I often wonder about the sliding doors moment; what if I hadn’t gone through with my surprise pregnancy? What would life be like now?
- After I gave birth, I didn’t want to touch or hold my baby boy. I wanted to pretend that he never existed.
- I can’t stop apologising to my first born for having another baby & having less time to spend with him. I feel like the baby is ruining his life.
- Sometimes if I leave my boys as I reverse out the driveway I imagine myself speeding off and getting on a plane ans flying where no one can find me Or bother me.
- I am just so afraid sometimes that i would not love him enough. And that iam a bad mom. There was so many negative thoughts and I was trying to control my feelings and my thoughts. Now my boy is almost 18 month and it’s going better and better. So, don’t give up
- I died giving birth to my twins. Twice. And once more that night. I feel cut to the bone that I don’t remember meeting them for the first time or the first four days of their lives and so incredibly guilty that a year later I still haven’t allowed myself time to physically and mentally heal from that.
I keep hearing “if it was anything else you’d have been inhospital for weeks and on bed rest for months” why then was I feeding babies every two hours 48 hours later and discharged in a week. Why was I left for months with an open, bleeding wound and left to care for two newborns by myself after a couple weeks. I feel so resentful- words don’t help me heal, action do. Give a bottle, change a nappy, watch them so I can sleep, give me a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Or just listen to how scared, guilty and inadequate I feel.
- I couldn’t kill myself because I was pregnant. The stress and anxiety is worse than I can bear now but I can’t kill myself because “how could a mother choose to leave her baby?”.
- Dating makes me regret having my son. I want to start brand new with someone, not have baggage. I wish I waited to have a child with someone who wasn’t my abuser.
- Why do you hate me? Everyone says how happy you are, how big a smile you have, how you’re such a good baby, how blessed I am. Why then when it’s just us do you scream constantly, fight every nappy change, refuse to sleep, to feed, to engage with me? Why are you happier with anyone else but me? Or is it you feel safe and loved enough to be all those negative emotions with me? Why can’t you just smile so I know I’m doing an ok job of being your mum?
- I’m sorry you’re a twin. I’m sorry there’s no time for baby groups, or play with mommy. No time for lots of cuddles or smiles or teaching you the wonders of the world on walks round the park. I’m struggling day to day to keep you both fed, watered, clean and rested. It’s so much harder because there’s two of you needing me constantly. I feel guilty having a shower or meal when I could be spending that time with you both or separately. Worst of all I’m sorry I chose this. I chose to have two embryos transferred for my IVF. I was playing the numbers hoping this time would be the time. This time there’d be a little heartbeat. Then there were two and none of me to give to you both.
- Even though her carseat is rear facing, I am going to get rearended and she is going to be crushed to death.
- When my daughter was first born I didn’t want to hold or touch her. I had a traumatic birth and she had breathing issues at birth. I had the most intense fear that I was going to get her sick and that she would die. I also was convinced that I was going to die. I couldn’t connect with her, because my anxiety was all consuming. It became who I was. I was so afraid of germs that my hands were bleeding and raw from how often I washed. It was the darkest time in my life.
- I flip back and forth between being afraid my children will die and wanting to hurt them. I have never hurt them, but I’ve thought about it and started to act on it. I can’t understand how I could ever want to harm them when something bad happening to them is my biggest fear. My youngest is 9 months old and every day it’s constant anxiety. I’m so tired.
- If I tell someone how hard it’s been since I had my baby I can tell they’re waiting for me to say it was worth it. But I don’t think it was. Maybe I will when he’s older.
- i have bad ppd since my son was 2 months where I’m scared I’m going to suffocate him with a pillow for no reason and I picture myself doing it. It’s a horrible feeling my anxiety gets the best of me. My son is now a 16 months and i still get bad anxiety not as bad as before but still these bad thoughts of me hurting my son or how would it be or what would happen go threw my head. I still wait to get better and for it to fully go away. sometimes i even feel like giving up because its so overwhelming to deal with just about daily it makes you feel like this horrible mother because you, yourself know you love your child and wouldnt dare to hurt him.
- I’m a chef and I’m now terrified of knives. All I can imagine is the knife slipping and seriously injuring myself or others. I have to mentally prepare myself to prep food. I also make sure my son stays clear of the kitchen when I’m preparing food.
- After I had my first child he had trouble nursing and was losing weight. I felt terrible, but tried to stay positive. Midwife made me feel very bad and responsible for baby losing weight. I felt like I don’t deserve to be my baby, was afraid that he is going to die and that he will be taken away from me if he doesn’t gain weight and I will be sent to a prison or to a mental institution.
- When my son was inconsolable as an infant, all I could imagine was dropping him right where i was standing and walking away forever. I never did, but it was a constant thought.
- Sometimes I wish my husband would just divorce me so I would get a few days off each month. I am a Mama of 3, work full time, and just need a break sometimes!
- I fear that someone would steal my child out of my arms or out of his pram while we in a public place.
- When I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared and confused. My boyfriend didn’t think we were ready for a baby and my mom didn’t want me to end up like her. I had an abortion but it’s been causing me more mental stress now than ever. I regret having it so much.
- I keep thinking every little thing is something that is wrong with him. Like his jaundice is not going away fast enough so it’s going to make him seriously ill. And I keep thinking I’m going to get sick and die and leave my kids without a mom.
- Sometimes I feel like I made a huge mistake. That I shouldn’t have had these kids. That I can’t handle it. That they deserve a better mother than I. That it’s all too hard. I’m afraid I’ll mess them up. That I’ll be too anxious. That I’ll yell too much. That they’ll hate me. I’m afraid I’m doing it all wrong.
- When she cries for hours on end it’s so hard not to ‘vigorously rock’ her to sleep.
- When my first baby, my daughter, was born I went days without sleeping, 72 hours at one point, because I was worried about what I would do if she or I became a zombie. I didn’t think we would. But the absurd ‘What If’ haunted me. I also feared letting her play in her jumper by the window because of snipers (in the UK), and would move her away from the window even though I knew it was ridiculous.
- Why did we have a baby? I love him. But this is so hard. He’s ruining our marriage. I can’t go anywhere. I feel so secluded and lonely.
- I convinced myself if I asked for help, it meant I was a bad mother. When I started experiencing psychosis, it made it worse. I attempted suicide two months after my daughters first birthday. My youngest is now 3 months and I still have to convince myself needing help is not the same as weak.
I was scared to walk her (my baby). I was afraid I’d leave her stroller somewhere and walk away. I was terrified of becoming those mothers I saw on the news all the time, and I would have nightmares about what everyone would say and do. For the first four months, I was afraid to leave the house because I thought I might.
- I desperately need alone time and a break, but images of my baby being neglected in someone else’s care haunts me. I feel like I can’t trust anyone and I really need to take care of myself. I wish that my brain didn’t work this way and I could be normal.
- Anytime anyone else (but me) holds my baby, I see flashes of them tripping and her busting her head open. I see her choking on something that she was teething on. I see her drowning if they give her a bath. I see them giving her water instead of pumped milk and it killing her. I see grisly images and flashes of my baby dying, everyday.
- I think about giving away my newborn baby all the time. I research how I can put him up for adoption, and if adoption agencies won’t take him, I wonder if my husband’s parents would adopt him. If that doesn’t work out, I sometimes fantasize about leaving him at a hospital. This makes me feel like a terrible mom; who would ever want to give up their baby for adoption? The thought of giving him up for adoption makes me feel relieved and ashamed and guilty at the same time. But I can’t help but think my life and his would be so much better if I gave him away. And yet I know if he did leave my life I would be devastated. I feel so ashamed and alone.
- I feel so angry when people tell me, “This will pass.” It feels like they are minimizing the agony I am in. I feel like they don’t believe me when I say “I am overwhelmed. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.” Just because I am functioning doesn’t mean I am okay. I feel the only way anyone will understand how bad I’m feeling is if I check myself into a psych hospital, and then I’ll just be judged. I’m angry at everyone who listens to me say I’m not okay and they don’t help.
- I had gory, horrific thoughts about dropping my baby. I’d picture his injuries and be frozen in place, terrified to move in case he slipped out of my arms or I tripped. For months, I couldn’t do laundry without my husband watching him because I was terrified that I’d drop him down the steps.
- Every time my husband could freely decide to spend time with mates, work later, assume I was handling things I imagined leaving, with our unborn baby, so he was left with our 11 month old. Then I’d only have to deal with one not two under two and feel so alone.
- I’m happy having one child. For me he is enough. But I’m scared .. pressured into the thought of having more. I worry he will grow up without a sibling because I mentally couldn’t handle another baby.
- I’m scared my son won’t think I’ve done enough for him. Or that he will get taken away. Even though everything is fine. I have PTSD from my own childhood. So taking antidepressants has helped me become a better mom. I still worry.
- Anytime I hear my baby scream or cry.. I believe it’s the worst case scenario. Even though it’s not 🙁
- I can’t make her stop crying but my mother in law can, maybe I should just give up and give my baby to her.
- When he sleeps long stretches at night, I wake up worried that he stopped breathing & the movement monitor malfunctioned and didn’t alert me to the non-movement.
- That I was going to go insane and would endanger my children. Maybe I would crack while driving and drive in to a wall or I’d lose my mind while alone with them and end up hurting them.
- After the traumatic birth of my first baby I had horrendous intrusive thoughts and images of him being sexually abused (by me, by others). I became so distressed that I was eventually referred to a local perinatal mental health support service. This and medication helped and within a few months the thoughts had begun to subside. With my second baby I had recurring images of violently throwing her (out of things, into things) or knocking her against something. She had terrible colic and when she screamed the thoughts got worse. I’m feeling better now but I still have flashbacks and I think I will always reflect on those early months and years of motherhood with a feeling of loss and sadness.
- All of it. That i would leave my husband and baby and start somewhere else alone. That i cant kill myself but maybe if i could make it look like accident then it would be ok. Wish to have an accident so that i can go to hospital and escape at least for some time. Leaving the baby at those anonymous places where they will take care of him. Imagening throwing my baby, shaking him, punching him.
- All I hear is an endless stream of how ‘rewarding’, ‘magical’ ‘amazing’ being a parent is and all I can think about is how much I hate it. 2 years in and I’m yet to be struck with the ‘ah ha’ moment that makes me realize all this is worth it. I love my son, I really do but this is no where near as enjoyable as society had me believe it would be. My biggest fear is that this isn’t PND this is just me. That would make me a monster.
- When my son was 4 months old I was so depressed and felt alone… my husband and I got into a fight that day. I stood by the window with my baby in my arms and thought it would be over if I just jumped. 2 weeks later I did try to commit suicide and now my son is 10 months old. The guilt I live with everyday is excruciating and even now that I’m getting help, every now and then those scary thoughts lurk around.
- I was so overwhelmed and just wanted out of being a mother that I was secretly wishing that my baby would die from SIDS. That way I could get out of my situation without doing anything drastic. When I told my obstetrician she took me seriously and I got the help I so desperately needed.
- I’m so scared my baby is going to die in his sleep. I constantly wake up during the night to check his nose to make sure it isn’t unstructured and that the blankets are far away from his face.
- That one day as I’m driving down the road I’ll just swerve the car into a ditch or tree and just stop the pain of this depression. That’s when I went to the GP.
- I was so worried that I didn’t know how to look after my son properly that I convinced myself that he was better off without me and that I had to leave the family home to keep him safe from me and out of harm’s way. My husband and parents couldn’t reason with me and were really worried about my safety. I ended up at A&E and luckily, the psychiatrist on duty got me a place at a Mother and Baby Unit which was relatively close to home (40 miles away). I hates being there at first and went to some dark places while I was treated but I feel incredibly lucky. PPD (we call it Postnatal Depression her) is an illness. I had a brilliant psychiatrist who specialist in Post Partum mental illness. There is hope. It’s an illness. Being a mum is tough.
- I was suspicious of the 12 year old girl next door someday kidnapping my son then smothering him or leaving him outside when she realized what she’d done.
- Intrusive thoughts that my baby would fall down flight of stairs or I would throw him. I kept telling myself I would never ever do something like that and got caught up on more sleep with help from family. Luckily the unwanted thoughts went away.
- At 3 weeks old, the night before my husband was going back to work I was helping him get our 2 older kids showered before bed, our daughter wanted fed and comforted. She was crying and I couldn’t get to her just yet as I needed to get the kids out, dried off and dressed as they were still little as well. Between the increasing crying, my husband trying to talk to me and dealing with my other kids I became overwhelmed and had the most scary thought i have ever had about my kids. I thought that if my tiny baby fell down the stairs she would stop crying, I never thought about hurting herself but that scared me. I already had a history of postpartum depression so I knew what I needed to do. I sat there quietly trying to figure out things and then I told my husband. I had a prescription for prozac already just in case and started that, he canceled going back into work and worked from home a bit longer. I went to the doctor the next day and never had a thought like that again.
- After my second baby was born, I pictured him being in a fluke accident, dying, and then feeling relieved. I feel like such a monster for having those thoughts.
- Sometimes I hate being a mother. In those moments, I deeply wish that I wasn’t one. I think I’d be happier if I hadn’t had a child. I feel trapped and want to run away, but I don’t. I fear that I will just be unhappy until my child is grown, that I made the choice to have her out of societal obligation and fear of disappointing others. Then I see posts on social media about how much someone loves being a mom and how their love for their child is unlike anything they ever dreamed of and they are just so #Blessed, and I feel shame and guilt throughout my entire body and wonder desperately why I don’t feel that way
- The pause at the top of the stairs, imagining my everything, my first born, tumbling down, with me frozen atop, paralized with fear.
- I am so tired. I’m tired of being blamed for meing grumpy. I DONT SLEEP I scream. I tell my husband- I got up 20 times last night. I say it’s unfair for me to be on 24 hours a day and not get ONE night of 8 hour rest. His response is “well I work and I work 10-12 hour days”. I’m so tired of that. I’m so tired of being made to feel like I don’t have a job just because I stay home. I am on the job 24 hours a day. I’m so tired of people telling me how blessed I am to stay home- it’s not a choice. I don’t have 2,000 a month to send my kids to daycare. I’m so tired of feeling like a bad mom. I’m so tired of feeling like I could be doing better. I’m so tired of feeling guilty when I CRAVE time away- but the longest I get is a trip to the grocery store. I’m tired of going out and getting called a million times asking me questions about the kids. I’m tired of cooking every night. I’m tired of feeling like a bad wife for not wanting sex. I’m tired of being touched out. I’m so tired of being everything to everyone and being nothing to myself. I’m tired of feeling tired when I wake up. I’m tired of coming last. I’m tired of the homework/ the cleaning/ the feeding/ the changing. I know one day I’ll miss this stage. And I try and do all the perfect mom stuff. I cut my kids lunches into shapes daily, yet don’t find time to eat lunch myself. I make breakfast do four people and won’t eat until dinner. I bathe/ cuddle/ sing to the nightly yet I fall asleep crying.
I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being tired.
- In the first week I would just look at my baby and feel hopeless, that I shouldn’t get too attached to her because she would die someday because I don’t deserve her. I would look at her little fingers and imagine them getting cut off. I would think about accidentally dropping her into the oven and closing the door. I would constantly watch her breath in and out, and wouldn’t trust anyone else to be alone with her. Now that she’s 6 months, my thoughts are different but equally scary. Every single story, fictional or otherwise about anyone dying or getting hurt immediately relates to my baby in someway. Why should they be hurt or die and my baby be healthy and alive? I now think that my baby will get a brain tumour because I knew a baby that did. I have visions of a killer waiting in my house to take my baby. I worry about my father who battles depression one day snapping and hurting her. I worry about my moms ex-boyfriends breaking into her house while she’s watching the baby and hurting the baby. I purposely don’t pump milk so that I can’t be away from her for too long, and I have an excuse to leave social situations. I’m terrified for my friends to babysit her because they have a pool. I drive all the time when my baby is in the car, even though my husband is a better driver. I’m worried my husband doesn’t pay enough attention, that when she starts crawling she will strangle herself on a cord. I worry that my mom is better at taking care of my baby than I am. Im worried I’m rotting my baby’s brain by letting her watch tv. I’m worried that if I tell anyone these thoughts they will take my baby away from me. Every moment of joy that I have with my sweet baby is like a cue for an intrusive thought to come in and piss all over that joy. I’m never without them.
- My thoughts are so scary that I can’t even bear to post them.. constant images of harm coming to my baby, sometimes by me. I’d never do any of these things and the intrusions are crippling. I struggle with guilt and often think
my baby deserves better.
- Father in law: if we can’t touch him! How is he going to build his immunities!
What I’m really thinking: don’t tell me how yo raise my son! It’s my choice how to raise him! His immunities are my choice and my concern not yours! I hate you! If you touch him he will get sick and go to the hospital!
- I fear that one day I’m going to snap and scream at my sweet innocent baby and completely traumatize her. I fear the same for my older daughter.
- In the days after my son’s birth, we had to use gauze to dress his circumscision wound. We had a pair of scissors in the caddy on the changing table to cut the gauze. One day when he was screaming while I was changing him, the thought flashed through my mind to hurt him with the scissors. I was deeply disturbed and ashamed by this thought – I loved (and love) my son so dearly. Every time I saw those scissors it triggered me to have the thought again. Eventually I realized I had to move those scissors. I now know that it is common to have scary thoughts in your postpartum period and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. I wish I had known that at the time.
- My baby had a lot of trouble latching. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when she wouldn’t stop screaming long enough to latch, I would envision throwing her across the room and her body hitting the wall.
- I had a tough recovery after a c section. I asked for help. Nobody would come. I almost ended both of us. I thought I couldn’t handle my son but knew no one else would raise him the way I feel he should be. I thought he’d be better off dying with me.
- I would be driving down the road with my baby in the car and think “what if I just ran off this bridge” “what if I just crashed my car” “I would feel so much better”. I have an amazing support system, but yet feel so alone.
- I thought it would just be easier if my baby caught the most recent deadly virus going around. It would just end all of the suffering.
- Something bad will happen to me and my baby will be raised by my husband and mother in law and will not get all of the love and attention I give to her.
- I’m terrified that my baby will get sick. While I was pregnant a friend’s week old grandchild was visited by a person with a virus and ended up in the NICU. That played and replayed in my mind. I didn’t want visitors in the hospital. The ones I allowed couldn’t hold the baby. Once I was home, I didn’t accept visitors or leave for 6 weeks. My husband couldn’t even hold the baby unless he had washed to the elbows or just took a shower. This morphed into obsessive hand washing to the point of having cracked bleeding hands, using tons of hand santitzer and many many baby wipes. If baby was to be put down, it had to be on a clean blanket. If baby accidentally touched something my mind deemed unclean, out came the wipes. Family members kissing or touching baby set off loud warning bells in my head. If I touch something that might have germs, I physically feel them until I wash my hands.My brain screams at me. I itch to take her and wash her and put her in a bubble. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t stop. I am hyper aware of when people cough or sneeze anywhere within hearing distance. If I leave the house and go out in public, I shower to remove germs before I feel clean enough to hold my baby again. It doesn’t matter that it’s not logical, my head is telling me that I must act or else. It also tells me that ‘well if she gets sick it won’t be YOUR fault’. It’s debilitating. It’s so very time consuming. Constantly cleaning. Constantly bleaching the floor, the counters, the tables. No one even comes in my house and I still feel the need to do this! I want this to pass. I pray it will pass. I just want to suddenly be normal again. I have always been a slight germaphobe/clean freak but this OCD…I am so tired. The worrying, I am so so tired of all the worrying.
- Everytime I carry my baby, I am afraid that I will drop him or hit his head with something. I always check him if he is still breathinf and often times prepare myself for the worst.
- That my baby and other child would be better off without me.
- I had one intrusive thought and it was always the same. Similar to #2 above but more that just dropping the baby. At times I had flashed thoughts of holding my child by the ankles and slamming him on the floor. It was more of a 2 second daymare, not a “vision” or a thought really. Of course I would never do anything to hurt him and it thankfully gave me more patience and compassion the moment after having such a intense and scary thought but I didn’t understand why the same thought kept coming to me. In a way I used the thought to take away my frustrations and anger like a stress ball.
- I hate holding knives in my hand, I get a overwhelming thought about stabbing my baby. Being a sahm I have to do atleast 2 loads of dishes a day, I wish someone else would do it so I wouldn’t have to do it.
- I woke up in the middle of the night, terrified that I’d left my baby on the changing table and gone back to bed. I was frozen and unable to get out of bed to check if I had actually done that and was going to find her smashed on the floor. Luckily, she was sleeping peacefully in her bassinet next to my bed.
- I often think I’d be better off without my kids and have imagery of me suffocating them or thinking they might die in a car accident. Im then ruined by so much guilt…. Why kind of person thinks those things.
- If anyone knew how depressed I was, they’d take my baby and give her to someone else, and if I failed as a mother and didn’t have my baby, what would be the point of living?
- Sometimes I’m so exhausted I feel like I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I’m afraid to tell anyone. I’m afraid they will take my babies and I will never see them again.
- I thought my baby would die in the womb or be stillborn so I didn’t want to have a connection with him while pregnant.
- He was a fertility treatment baby. I was sure I couldn’t conceive and when he came along I had such a hard time (still sometimes do) accepting that I am a mother and that I am supposed to be a mother. I expected to suddenly transform into a patient, selfless, endlessly kind person when I gave birth and when I discovered that those things take time (they don’t magically happen straight away) I fell apart. I was also unable to breastfeed and felt like a complete failure. I was convinced I’d cheated nature and that I wasn’t cut out for being a mother.
- ON HIS FIRST WEEK BORN THERE WAS A VOICE IN MY HEAD SCREAMING ALL DAY THIS WORDS ” Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)” ALL DAY, OR EVERYTIME HE WOULD GO TO SLEEP.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE SICK AND ASK ME TO HOLD HIM.
I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED AND I HAVE THINK ON DOING THAT TO MY SON AND THEN I THINK ABOUT KILLING MYSELF FOR ONLY THINKING ABOUT THAT.
WHEN I FEED HIM WITH FOOD I FEEL HE IS GOING TO CHOKE.
I HAVE THIS FEAR THAT IF HE DIES AND I WOULD KILL MYSELF. IF SOMETHING EVER HAPPENS TO HIM…I WOULD DIE.
- What if my baby didnt breathe when i sleep? This was there until my mom came for my help. And i didnt switch off my room lights for a whole week.
- The thought of death put so much fear and anxiety into my world everyday, i would imagion terrible situations resulting im my baby dying, my dying and leaving her mother less or my husband dying. I even used to repeatedlly to wake up countless times a night and frantically look for her in the bed, thinking i had dropped her or smothered her, even though she only ever slept in the cot next to me.
- I felt my daughter was a punishment for trying to get pregnant after loosing a baby.I had my son already and I thought that should have been enough. Like I should have never pushed for something that was not meant to be. I felt I was a terrible person. Like I deserved to Die and my children deserved a new mother. She is 3 now and I still have uneasy feelings.
- I did not like breastfeeding. It didn’t hurt but it made me nauseous and the sensation of suckling was gross to me. I tolerated pumping more because it was faster. I nursed my baby for 15 months but I didn’t want to. It was for him, his health. To maybe catch some extra sleep By satiating him with a boob. Also I couldn’t afford any alternate like natural formula or donated milk. I hated breastfeeding. I hated the bras, the sweat, the neck ache due to the football hold. About a year after I was done, I had a breast reduction and lift. My breasts are now mine, small and soft.
- After being diagnosed with a liver condition and being told I had an increased risk of a stillbirth, I didn’t let myself get attached. I was convinced my baby would die.
My baby was born healthy, but after distancing myself so much during the pregnancy, I barely touched her. PND struck. I’d cry every time she needed me. The fear of becoming attached and losing her was too great.
- I am heartily sick to death of changing dirty diapers. I hate having to feed them. Every mealtime is a trial. It wears me to the bone to have to clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, endlessly. The kids aren’t happy to play with the million toys they have. They insist on running away upstairs to tear the books off the shelves in their rooms, or throw their toys all over, or mess up the spare bed, or beg for a bath and throw everything out from under the sink. Or they’re downstairs messing up the DVDs, wreaking movies, throwing more books out of the bookcases. Or on the main floor lifting the covers off the heat registers and hurling toys down them never to be retrieved. Or, if they do touch any of their gagillion toys, it’s to stand the box on end and send them scattering all over the entire floor and leave them there.
- I’d walk past knives and imagine picking up the knife and stabbing or cutting my son. I’d see blood on him. So incredibly horrifying. I never intended to cause harm yet these thoughts looped. I’d imagine dropping my son accidentally down the stairs and watch him fall. I made it a few weeks with my secret even with my doula preparing me for this possibility. I spoke my secret to my husband and found great, instant relief in doing so. The thoughts gradually subsided with more support and openness about my experience.
- Ever since having my son i find myself often wishing my husband would die because he’s become a burden on me.
- I was so relieved when someone else would hold, feed, or be accountable for the baby. I wanted to leave my husband and baby and move away, alone. I was afraid to sleep. My stomach dropped every time she awoke. Every time she cried I wanted to run. Every time she didn’t nap, or wouldn’t settle, I felt like the biggest failure in the world.
- I keep having ruminating thoughts of me hurting my child in various ways. This happens with simple thoughts but mostly images. I know now this is common but I’m definitely going to seek therapy.
- I was never a person that battled with anxiety, but ever since the birth of my daughter my anxiety has become dibilitating. I think about sexually abusing my child even though I am constantly fighting with my thoughts because that’s not the person I amz I would never do anything to harm my child. I am so tired of having this intrusion in my mind that I feel like I could kill myself just so I never have to think again. I was raped as a teenager which was extremely traumatic but I thought I had moved past my pain and emotions, then after the birth of my daughter which was incredibly traumatic and painful the pain seems to have come rushing back. I’m too scared to talk to someone and get help because I’m scared people will judge me or take my child away, I can’t tell my husband because I don’t think he will understand. The thoughts are so heart breaking to the point where I don’t even want to deal with my daughter anymore, her crying and me feeling overwhelmed seems to be a trigger for these thoughts.
- These are small snapshots of what postpartum anxiety, and postpartum OCD can look like. What things look like from the outside can be deceiving. This is for all the other moms who have struggled, and continue to struggle, on top of the daily challenges of caring for an infant. I am with you.
What it looks like from the outside: A leisurely morning stroll down the street in the sunshine with baby. What it looks like from the inside: Imagining every car that drives by jumping the curb and killing us both instantly. Every insect that flies near us might sting the baby, and put her into anaphylaxis. Checking, and rechecking the baby’s sunglasses to make sure the sun isn’t in her eyes, and then checking again, and then again 30 seconds later, because the sunglasses may have slipped the moment before, and the sun is probably burning holes in her retinas. Crossing the street to avoid other people, in case they accidentally cough or sneeze in our direction. Worrying that the distant fumes of car exhaust or cigarette smoke are exposing the baby to carcinogens, and then convinced that she is going to end up with cancer— imagining her in the pediatric cancer ward, pale and thin, sick from chemo treatments… Maybe we shouldn’t have gone for a walk. This wasn’t a good idea. I can’t protect my baby out here. Everything feels unsafe. What it looks like from the outside: A short drive from point A to point B. What it looks like on the inside:The constant fear that a random projectile will break through the window and kill the baby. Continuously checking and rechecking the rear view mirror when coming to a stop to make sure the driver behind you isn’t going to rear end you. The paralyzing fear of getting t-boned driving through a 4-way intersection, and avoiding intersections that expose the baby’s side of the car to possible collision. Constantly checking in the rear view mirror to make sure the baby still looks alive. Tensing up whenever a car passes going in the opposite direction, imagining that they will suddenly swerve into my lane. Constantly questioning whether the car is making an unusual sound, and imagining that we are going to break down, or that the engine is going to explode. I have to keep thinking about the car, because if I stop worrying about it, something will surely go wrong. What it looks like from the outside: Baby sleeping peacefully in her crib. What it looks like from the inside: What if the baby stops breathing in her sleep? What if she starts choking in the night while I am sleeping, and I don’t hear her? What if she accidentally rolls onto her side and suffocates silently, and I find her dead in the crib? What if she somehow pulls something over her face, and suffocates? What if she gets her arm caught in the bars of the crib, and her arm breaks? Does her face look pale? Does it look blue? I should feel her face to make sure she isn’t cold. I should feel her chest to make sure it’s still rising and falling. Am I imagining that her chest is moving? Maybe I should try to wake her up a little, just to make sure I’m not imagining that she’s still alive… I should check that she’s breathing one more time before I try to sleep.(2 minutes later.)I should get up and just check one more time, because if she stopped breathing in the last 2 minutes, there’s still time to try to resuscitate her without too much oxygen deprivation, and if I don’t check this one time, it might be the one time she actually stopped breathing. What it looks like from the outside: Baby’s first trip to the airport. What it looks like from the inside: Literally every surface is covered in germs. I can practically see the layer of germs everywhere. Big germs. Deadly germs. Germs that live on surfaces for days, in a place where tens of thousands of people come and go daily. I can almost see the contaminated air hanging like a fog around us. Every single person that we pass is probably carrying some kind of horrific, asymptomatic disease. And we are all breathing this same, recycled air. I can’t breath. Every person is a danger to my baby— swarms of people. There is not enough hand sanitizer in the world for this place. I become hyper aware of every cough and every sneeze, convinced that my baby has just inhaled an airborne pathogen that will surely result in her becoming deathly ill. I’m shaking. I imagine her hooked up to a respirator in the PICU, lines and ports everywhere, monitors beeping. I feel hot rage whenever I sense someone come too close. I slather hand sanitizer on bags, purses, handles, and cell phones, trying to maintain control, clinging to the hope that it will provide a semblance of protection from the diseases. I put it on the baby’s hands. I’m sweating. I obsess over what parts of the luggage might have touched the ground, or the seat, and make mental notes constantly not to touch those parts with our hands, or items that we will then touch with our hands. I coat the bottle of hand sanitizer with hand sanitizer. And then I do it again, just in case. I’m exhausted, and we haven’t even gone through security yet. I fear that I am not effectively protecting my baby. What it looks like from the outside: A picture of mom holding her baby, smiling. What it looks like from the inside: Chaos. Fear. Paralysis. Obsession. Isolation. Worry. Panic. Exhaustion. Anger. Sadness. Catastrophe. Pain. Failure.
- I love my baby but resent her at the same time. I miss my old life and sometimes feel like my life was better before she was born. I feel so guilty and ashamed for feeling like this.
Breastfeeding has also caused me a huge amount of anxiety. I constantly worry that I’m not producing enough milk and that I’m starving her, but I feel too ashamed to give her formula. If I give her formula then my in-laws will want to feed her too and I’ll have to hand my baby over to them and our mother-daughter bond won’t be as strong if other people feed her.
- I keep having ruminating thoughts of me hurting my child in various ways. This happens with simple thoughts but mostly images. I know now this is common but I’m definitely going to seek therapy.
- I was afraid of leaving my baby alone with anyone, that someone would sexually abuse her. Sometimes even questioning my parents and husband. It was crazy- they would never but I was so scared.
I became hyper aware of germs, afraid of anyone touching her. blood draining from my body and heart palpitations anytime someone sneezed next to her or touched her hands or face. She had spent some days in the nicu for a rare bellybutton infection so I thought that might be why, but with my second child now it’s happening again.
I hated it when people would hold my baby and then walk away from me to rock her. I only felt she was safe when she was in my arms. I was ALWAYS on edge. Everything was out to harm my baby, car exhaust while walking her outside, smokers outside when we were at a restaurant- every. Single. Thing. Could have hurt her. I didn’t ever want to leave the house
- When my first daughter was born, I was afraid everyone but me would hurt her. I wouldn’t let anyone hold her for months. I had visions of them dropping her down the stairs. I had extreme post partum anxiety. We tried for a second, and I had a miscarriage. After that, I had a desperate need to find a gun because I wanted to shoot myself in the head. I don’t know where that came from – I’ve never been suicidal.
- I started having intrusive thoughts about jumping off balconies after my first miscarriage. After two more miscarriages the thoughts about jumping became worse. Now I am an overjoyed new mum with a five month old baby. But my joy is now being interrupted by intrusive thoughts about us both jumping off the balcony, or worse, me dropping her off the edge while we’re on a balcony. It’s so scary because it’s taken us five years to have our first child, why in the world would my brain think about hurting her?
- My third baby was not a planned pregnancy and we were shocked and not exactly thrilled. Third baby turned out to be very fussy, very needy and high strung. I had a wild two year old and a very emotional 6 year old. I also suffered with the worst post partum anxiety of my three babies. I actually said to my husband through tears one night, during a bout of colic “I kind of hate her.” The longer I experienced life with this baby the more I kept thinking “I know why mothers kill their babies and children. I know how it happens.” Before this I always thought “I just don’t know how a mother could kill her kids.” Having those thoughts was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced.
- I was out for a run with both my little guys in the double jogging stroller. As I followed the path down a slight incline toward a pond my mind immediately jumped to the thought of me losing control of the stroller and it rolling right into the water. Working out was a major stress outlet for me yet here I was again being overwhelmed with thoughts of tragic ends for my babies.
- I thought my parents would come and take my baby away from me. I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid she’d die. I was nervous every time I held or carried her because I was afraid I’d drop her. I felt like I as living in a nightmare.
- I only recently gave birth to my son and now that we are home I’m afraid of already failing him as a mother. I worry about not being abke to give him the right care and that he will die especially of SIDS. It’s a terrible thought to wake up one morning to him dead in his crib. I only just got him and I’m already scared I will loose him.
- Recurring dreams of being without my son then racing home to find him dead in his swing. Constant “visions” of dropping him or hitting his head on something. I saw myself stepping off the curb and into oncoming traffic because I wanted to kill myself.
- I’m scared I’ll develop psychosis and hear voices to kill my child and do it. I have images of holding my sons head under water. I imagine dropping a knife and it killing him. I worry about him getting knives or a glass and running and dying with it. On my way to daycare I prepare myself for his death.
My son is attractive but a voice in my head tells me his ugly. The most disturbing is when a voice says to touch my son sexually! It’s so distressing.
- I had known about the nature of scary thoughts so when I first had my baby when I had one I would easily brush it off. It wasn’t until someone told me a story of someone else having a scary thought and the judgment they placed on it made me feel I wasn’t normal for having scary thoughts. This shot my anxiety up and the thoughts started increasing with intensity, this made me feel even more like something was wrong. I feared psychosis so with fear, my thoughts grew and grew and got scarier and scarier. The sad part is, I turned for help after the first initial thought that scared me. I saw three different therapists that were not educated ion postpartum distress and I had one nurse practioner tell me it that she “thought” it was psychosis. My anxiety sky rocketed and my thoughts increased even more in intensity. I fell into a depression due to the nature of the thoughts and the guilt and judgment I placed on myself for having them. I’m still working through it today but it’s gotten easier, especially once I found this site. If I would have just had access or a healthcare would have had access to this when I initially reached out I wonder where I would be. Regardless, I’m glad I now have this information so I can help other women not have the experience I did.
- I have a premature baby girl. She weighs less than 5 lbs. I am so afraid that if i leave her side she might choke or suffocate etc. So i just stay up and watch her and feed her. I csnt think of anything else but keeoing her safe. My anxiety has consumed me and im loosing the joy of being her mom.
- I feel like i am a monster when i look at the reflection in the mirror and have so much shame and guilt for having so many thoughts that my kids would be better off without me, or that they hate me and I am a failure. I also want to yell at the babies to be quite and shut up so I can have 5 minutes to myself.
- I had a c section and was convinced I would get a blood clot and die and never see my baby girl grow up.
- I freak out if hubby takes baby anywhere without me as I’m convinced they will get in an accident and die. I don’t want to lose the 2 most important people in my life.
- A month after my son was born, my best friends & I gathered together for a low key girls night. I cornered my best friend and told her that I was afraid I’d made a horrible, horrible mistake and that I was a failure for feeling like I could ever even begin to think I could be a mother to someone. Let alone this sweet baby I’d been given who depended on me. At the time I thought it was the most shameful, despicable thing & that I was a terrible person. I know now that is was postpartum anxiety and depression relentlessly whispering at me to doubt & shame myself.
- I just want to run away on some days. I dream about sitting in the car and just driving to nowhere and leaving my 3 kid for just 1 day to myself- from morning to night. The youngest being a newborn and breastfeeding- that would be terrible and I don’t think I could ever do that him.
- I have a fear my baby has cancer or that both my kids do and somehow they will be taken away. I feel they are too beautiful and I don’t know what I did to deserve them.
- What if the baby was dropped or thrown or was in my arms while I fell down our stairs?
- I’m afraid I’m going to accidentally drop my baby. And then I’m afraid im going to drop my baby on purpose (even though I never would). Every time my mind thinks of her being dropped she dies. Naming this though as anxiety and not reality helps me… but none the less it’s gut wrenching…
- That I’m going to die and leave my children motherless and they will have absolutely no idea who I am.
- I love when other people hold my baby. I tell them it’s because I get to hold her all day at home… When in reality, I am grateful to have my arms free because I fear I am going to drop her. I am terrified to bath her if I am alone because what if she drowns? The fear is constant. I love my baby. I love her with whole heart. But I am convinced that if something bad happens, it will be because of me.
- My husband was out of town and as I was unplugging the Christmas lights, I imagined myself being electrocuted while my kids were asleep in their beds. What would happen to them?! I imagined my baby crying alone in his crib all night and my older child finding me. How would he get help? I was terrified at the thought. The thoughts come and go like a flash- but they are so intense.
- Every time my baby coughs or gags or stops making sounds I am immediately think he is choking to death. It makes my whole body seize with fear.
- Sometimes as a clinician, I become acutely aware of the burden of knowledge. I saw every unique quality as a sign that he had brain damage, a heart condition, autism, failure to thrive, a skull malformation, allergies, a metabolic disorder… on and on. I would become overwhelmed by the thoughts of everything that could go wrong, and secretly get so upset at his pediatrician for not seeing these concerns.
- I could sleep pretty well if my husband or mum was with me but I refused to nap while alone with the baby. I was convinced I would wake up to find she had died of SIDS even though I obsessively followed the safe sleeping guidelines. I took my first nap “alone” when my daughter was 8 weeks old after I went to a support group for women with PND&A and learnt that I wasn’t the only Mum having these kinds of scary thoughts.
- Where to even begin? The list seems so long that it may just be easier to blurt them out so here goes; I worry that I’ll fall down the stairs as I carry my baby. I worry that I’ll drop him on accident. I worry one of my pets will accidentally hurt him. I worry about anyone besides my husband and I kissing him and getting him sick. I worry that he isn’t doing well. I worry that we aren’t giving him all that he needs. I worry that this stress will ruin my relationship with my husband and that my crazy mood swings and over all overwhelming sadness will make him leave me. Sometime I just miss the times before the baby. When I didn’t worry as much and didn’t feel like my heart was outside my body… So fragile and out of my control. I miss a simpler time when it was just me. I have always felt so sure of myself and confident. But as a new first time mom I’m full of doubt and fear. My son seems so fragile and I just worry that I’m not enough for him. I’m starting to realize that I really need to go on meds. I can’t live like this anymore. I just want to enjoy my son and my husband without feeling inadequate any longer.
- I thought about my killing my children. I picture myself in prison because I murdered both my girls. This horrible intrusive thought has plaqued my mind ever since my second child has been born. To such a point that I’m scared to have anymore kids in case these thoughts intensify.
- Sometimes I wish I had a girl baby because maybe my mum would be around more and maybe I wouldn’t feel depressed my little boy is “the kid” that is intense and everyone else’s boys are lovely and I feel like crying when I see little girl clothing because I wish I had a baby girl.
- I did not feel depressed and I did not recognize anxiety, so I did not notice my strange thoughts as strange, anxious, or symptomatic for too long.
I kept falling asleep making mental checks of all the electrical I had unplugged or shut off, and then planning, in a sleep-deprived haze, how to get us both out of the house if there was a fire. This went on for nights. These thoughts kept me awake, had me awaken to check and to listen. These thought made my heart beat faster, kept my eyes from shutting, and kept a restless energy under my skin and in my mind which tried in vain to problem solve them.Then, one night, as I followed my plans on how to keep us safe and how to get out of a burning house, my brain brought flames up the stairs trapping us – what if that happened, what would I do?I realized it would be better to drown her than have her burn. I began to imagine drowning her. How I would manage it quickly and with comfort.As I imagined it, I began to feel relief from the intrusive fire thoughts. This made sense. It just began to make sense. I was almost convinced then that it was a matter if time before the house were to burn down and I would have to drown my daughter. I would have to go, too, of course. At an 10 week check up, I mentioned that I was having strange thoughts. I had heard someone call my name the night before; I had yelled out in answer and found no one there. That had me realize that something was going on- something wasn’t quite right.
As I spoke to him, I felt very separate and cut off, like my tiny daughter and I had already left this world, but something within me had enough clarity regarding this voice and the thoughts to mention them.”Sleep deprivation”, he said, “Give it a couple more weeks, come see me if nothing changes.”
That was the wrong answer.
- I am currently stuggling with postpartum depression and anxiety. It all hit me when I abruptly stopped Nursing. I had a hormonal crash. It first started with me thinking i was going to die and my son would not have a mother. Then the thoughts spiraled out of control to thinking my mental health would get worse to something more severe like psychosis, schizophrenia, or bipolar and I would be institutionalized and would not be able to take care of my son. I just have thoughts of one day waking up and all of a sudden hearing voices or seeing things. Or just losing my mind and not being able to be there for my son.
- I worry every single day that we will be involved in a car crash and we will lose her! This started in pregnancy and still won’t go away! Just love her so much and I feel like we’re too lucky and it will all be taken away from us!
- After I stopped nursing my son around 6 months i developed severe postpartum anxiety and depression. It started with me thinking I was going to die and my son would grow up motherless. The thoughts have since spiraled out of control to me thinking I am going to wake up one day seeing things or hearing voices. To me thinking I am going to get schizophrenia or psychosis and end up institutionalized and not be able to be in my sons life. I constantly remind myself that I have none of the symptoms of those disorders by my mind keeps going back to “what if”. Like what if all of a sudden I wake up and I have one of the disorders…
- Everytime in the car I picture the car smashing into the back of me and crushing my son. I also have a fear when walking with my kids in the grocery cart in the parking lot that someone is going to hit the cart and I can picture the most Gruesome images in my head and it TERRIFES me.
- I’m.currently pregnant with baby #2, from husband#2 and I wish every single day that I had gotten an abortion instead of continuing the pregnancy. With my first, I divorced 6 months after she was born from an abusive, manipulative husband. I had no extended family or friends to help with raising an infant, so I don’t look back on that time period as being filled with joy and happiness even though we made it out of that period. Everyone sees me as a strong and good mom, but I hate doing it. I’ve put everyone’s needs before my own and I don’t feel as if my life has any value. I feel as if I just get to make babies, work, and die. I don’t want to bring my second baby home from the hospital. I want to give birth and run away from my life.
- I keep waiting for the part of motherhood where everyone says it’s worth it. “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days and all I’ve eaten today are cold, half-eaten chicken nuggets, but it’s all so worth it when I look into my child’s eyes.” I don’t feel that, and I’m terrified I never will.
- I only feel like a good mom on the easy days.
- My son is almost 2 and it’s only now im feeling like PND is kicking in. He hits me, bites me, punches me, he prefers his father or his Nanna over me, he doesn’t listen, im constantly under stress about going anywhere with him that I’ve ended up isolating myself. Everyone keeps telling me that his behaviour is NORMAL toddler behaviour, that they pick favourites and they are challenging their boundaries, when people tell me that it just makes me more frightened. Because I cannot cope with it. I don’t feel like I have a handle on it at all, and this stage lasts years. Im afraid im going to officially loose my mind. I don’t want to parent a toddler. I don’t feel like I CAN parent a toddler.
- I am afraid this is all life has to offer and I regret my decision to have kids. Washing dishes the other day with my baby on my back, I imagined a knife slipping out of my hand and stabbing me in the neck, and bleeding to death in front of her. Walking across a busy street pushing my older son in the buggy and carrying my infant daughter, I regularly imagine being hit by a car and our bodies strewn across the pavement. I also love my kids so much it hurts, and brings tears to my eyes.
- I cant bring myself to even type out some of the thoughts I have had. Many times my rage towards my babies would climax overnight, when I just wanted to sleep. I would storm out of the house at some crazy hour, like 1-3 am and just run and walk around my neighborhood until I could see clearly again.
Thankfully, my husband was home at nights, so this was safe. Also, I am not a runner. It always blew mind my how much ground I could cover in these fits.
Mommas, We made it thru. You can too, get help!My youngest is approaching 6 years old!!!
- I breastfeed my baby at night and sometimes I fall asleep for a bit. I wake up hysterical and scared, I feel that one day I will suffocate her, so I keep myself up most of the night and don’t sleep.
- Leaving my daughter with a babysitter who has some emotional trauma.My daughter hearing or seeing horror movies, I don’t want to have her see it at all.
Any person abusing her once she starts to get older. Not eating enough (so sometimes I feel like I’m overfeeding her). A babysitter abusing her, or yelling/ swearing at her for just being a baby My baby being taken away from me by anyone. Everytime I go to work far (for hours or overnight), feeling guilty and thinking that I’m traumatizing my daughter
- My mother in law will find a way to steal my baby away. She’s waiting like a beast stalking a prey. I’m constantly anxious around her. My husband doesn’t even bat an eye. I hope to get divorce or move out sooner, cause I can’t stand being around her.
- I am so so scared of sids. I sit for hours and hours googling the statistics and likelihood of it happening and no matter what it never makes me feel any better. I am terrified she will catch a cold and stop breathing and I will wake to find she has stopped breathing. She’s 9 months now and honestly this whole first 9 months, all my maternity leave, it’s all been under this cover of constant anxiety and terror. I have read so many articles on SIDS and I can’t stop myself doing it. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I’m just absolutely terrified the whole time and even when I have ‘good’ days the images and thoughts are in the back of my mind. Someone coughing o blowing their nose can leave me in tears. I don’t know how to stop it.
- I felt like I was guilty and bad Mother because I thought my baby got in the way because I had to feed him and that I was dying for a really long break of him.
- Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here. Dead or alive doesn’t matter. I wish that I wouldn’t wake up to the daily stress that my child brings. How is it that I have two totally adaptable children and one that literally brings me to my knees daily. I’ve felt for so long that I wish I hadn’t had him, and unfortunately have even told him that. I hate being his mom.
- What if she our he doesn’t like me back! I don’t want to be an old mother! I dont want to get up in the middle of the night! Ugh parenting some other people’s kids and then get mad how you raise them!
- I try to remain cheerful , I continue to be playful and affectionate , I mother him in the best way I know how , I love him deeply, but I’m not sure my son would even realize if I wasn’t around. His world begins and ends with his dad. I’m terrified that this will never change and i’ll never be anything more than the shadow in the background that cleans up, feeds him, and arranges the house.
- strong heavy screaminh 9 month old baby standing up in crib 3am in refusing to lay down and go sleep, just bend your legs lie down- wish you had no legs, break your legs, wish you weren’t here Rahhhhhhhh
- big one- my 3 year old fell elbow first onto my 4 week old baby face- sleep deprived etc etc i lost it. I hit my 3 year old. My baby fine- shocked but not hurt. My 3 year old fine- although in a state i didn’t actually hurt him. I felt awful went hospital got help of psychiatric nurses and social services and meds and diagnosed postpartum depression stress.
- Whenever my mil do something for my newborn i fear she is going to separate my daughter from me. I feel like she is trying to be a mom to my daughter.
- I had no idea what postpartum depression actually is. I had no idea that you can actually love and bond with your baby while you suffer. I thought I just sucked at being a mom and couldn’t handle the pressure.
- I’m worried I don’t like my baby enough. She’s had colic and acid reflux, lots of trouble sleeping and nursing, really bad jaundice (she was on the light tables). It’s been a rough time for us and while I love my baby, some days it’s hard to feel like I like her. I’m counting down the days till she can sleep well again or crawl or sit on her own because somehow these things will make everything better, make me like her more, but they seem like a century away. And I worry that makes me unfit to be her mom. Also, I’m truly terrified of SIDS or that something will happen to my mom or husband, and I will then have to raise her on my own.
- My ex boyfriend who was violent and had a psychotic episode several years ago (we broke up and he moved back to canada), stalked me online for years after we broke up. I then didn’t hear from him and I moved on and got married and had my baby. He always talked about wanting a baby. My scary thought that i get several times a day, is that he tries to stalk me again and he finds my new married name on Facebook, finds out I have had a baby and comes all the way over from Canada to kill us or have someone kill us. Or at some point, he will find out where we live and cause problems. This fear is very real to me and It has a big impact on me, i feel im always looking over my shoulder.
- I am a single mother, basically by choice. I knew from the beginning that I would be raising my child alone. I loved being pregnant and being a mother. Even the crying screaming at 2am, all the poopy diapers, and spit up, the exhaustion, the struggles of breastfeeding. I’m so grateful for my little angel and for this super hard journey. I know that my life wouldn’t be complete without her. Sometimes I imagine something bad happens to her and I lose her and then I take my own life. Sometimes, I have these horribly intrusive sexual thoughts about her. It makes me feel crazy and horrible. But at the same time, I am fully aware that it’s my brain doing something weird. I’m aware that it’s not me and that I would never hurt my girl. But I feel so ashamed for having such disturbing thoughts.
- I’m having chronic severe sleep deprivation. I’m getting less than 6 hrs of sleep. When I wake at night due to baby, moving, noise,etc… I am immensely angry. So enraged to the point that I’m sitting there thinking about all the ways I could (shut her up) just so I can get sleep. I want to hit things and yell and scream. I have to remove myself from the bedroom or it feels like I’m going to snap and those thoughts will become actions. So I’m sitting there crying all night because of these thoughts and the guilt and shame I feel for thinking them.
- I constantly daydream about leaving my husband. Daily. He never helps, our marriage has changed drastically and I do everything in the house. He basically comes home to eat my food and goes to work. This is a scary thought for me because I am 23 and only one year into marriage. Will it always be like this?! Even if I left him, would this happen with another man?! Is this just how it is?!
- I thought Postpartum OCD and psychosis were the same. I thought my intrusive thoughts of the most disturbing nature meant I’m crazy. I thought wrong. I’m not alone. You’re not a monster. They will not take your child from you because you compulsively fixate on worries. You’re not alone.
- My baby has reflux and I worry I will wake up to find him dead due to chocking on his own vomit. I also worry I might drop him or fall down the stairs and crush him.
- When I’d get mad because the baby wouldn’t stop crying, I would think what if I just drop the baby and the baby would hit the floor . Or after a sleepless night and putting the baby in the car to go to the babysitters, I think what if I just left the baby outside and drove away. Or sometimes even before I had a baby I would think about just driving off the freeway overpass.
- I’m due with my 4th in 7 days. The stress and anxiety I get with my other 3 have me worried. I’m scared that I will fall into postpartum depression and want to kill myself.
I have been having a lot of problems with stress, anxiety and depression the last couple of months, to the point where I have had break downs and could hardly breathe. My kids don’t need a perfect mom but they do need a happy one. I’ve completely lost myself over the last couple of years.
- Am so tired and forgetful and terrified that I will make mistakes that will harm my baby… Like absentmindedly putting her in the oven or her falling out of my arms…
Sometimes i just stop mid-step and realise i feel like an empty husk. That there is nothing in me anymore and all i do is on automatic. Some mornings i don’t want to get up.. Then i think. ‘let me just feed her one last time and once the store opens someone can get her formula’ and then after that feed.. I.think that maybe i can manage the morning.. The crawl through the afternoon.. And make it through the evening…Then i spend the night trying to discover who i am. And yet worrying about all the ways i am failing.. And morning comes and i do it all over again.
- When my beautiful baby boy was eight weeks old a Facebook friend shared a news story about a dad who had sexually abused his child. I didn’t read it but found the headline deeply upsetting and thought to myself ‘How could anyone do this to a child’? This one story and one question seemed to open my mind to the most awful, dreadful, scary images and the more I tried to remove them from my mind the more they came back. I was scared to hold my baby, change his nappy, bathe him, even love him for fear that I would have these thoughts. I thought it meant I was bad. I thought it meant I shouldn’t have children. I have never felt so distressed and alone. I didn’t want these thoughts but they were torturing me. I am feeling better (I hate saying that in case I bring the thoughts back) but I still have to work hard to be the me I was before I read this one news article headline.
- I love babies. But I 100% sure the reality of having 6 children, 2 under 2 will kick in when this new bub is i1-2weeks old. I’m going to struggle. I’m absolutely terrified the the pp anxiety and depression iv had/still got is going to get worse. The dr has made me terrified of giving birth because he keeps reminding me at every appointment how much higher the chance of pp haemorrhage is with #6. I dunno. This week has been fucking awful. And it’s only Wednesday.
- What if he isn’t smart, what if he falls victim to others manipulation because he is naive. What if he grows up and still needs us to support him but we die so he is left all alone. What if he is bullied and doesn’t have friends and doesn’t want to go to school. What if he isn’t happy with his life. What if he gets my anxiety or depression and acts on his desire to make the pain go away. What if he dies of sids and never gets to be who he is supposed to be. What if I get distracted and forget about him and he dies. What if others know that sometimes I want to forget about him and remember who I am. What if we get in a car accident. What if he stops breathing and dies in his car seat on our way to visit family. What if I rock him to hard and he gets injured.
- I’ve had thoughts while I was driving of not stepping on the brakes and putting myself through the windshield, my baby was in the backseat and properly secured so I wasn’t worried about him getting hurt.
- My mother just passed away and I’m so overwhelmed and tired I want some rest. I think about breaking his neck.
- As I pulll into work, I think I left him out in the cold in the driveway. Also that I’m going to die in a horrible accident on my way home/babysitters.
- Dropping my baby from the second floor because I couldn’t stop the crying. I could never do it but the thought happens, and then I just sit there and cry.
- I found a lump on the side of my 4 months head and instantly doubt my motherhood along with taking myself out and the rest of my children if I had lost him to this bump. After drs visit we found out it’s a cephalohematoma. Still have doubt about the drs but with every good minute the doubts disapppear.
- Having a baby is slowly destroying my marriage. Since I’m not the same person I was before my baby was born, I feel responsible for the unraveling of our relationship.
- Sleep deprived and wanting my baby to stop crying I started to squeeze his arm, then immediately felt awful, apologized to him, got teary and felt like this poor helpless thing is in danger because I’m exhausted. I had my partner had to take over for a bit so I could rest.
- My 6 month old daughter does strange things like hit herself in the face or cover her face with a blanket. I am so afraid that she might have autism that when she does these things all I can do is cry. We asked our pediatrician about it and all she said was that it would be too early to tell if she did, the anxiety that life might be that much more difficult for her is killing me, I can’t stop being afraid that she will have it. Having so much anxiety makes me feel like I’m missing out on all the joyful moments happening right alongside these weird behaviors.
- When my baby keeps waking up at night and won’t stop comfort nursing, my body starts aching and I get so frustrated I just imagine myself shoving her away or spanking her for it. Then I immediately feel so terrible for thinking something like that it makes my heart drop.
- I don’t want another baby because I’m scared of going through this all again, then I’m worried I’m being too selfish.
- I’ve pictured my son dying in a million different ways. I’ve pictured my sons funeral; what I would say, how I would act. I’ve pictured what my son looks like dead. I have a plan to commit suicide if my son does die. I don’t want to die, but I can’t imagine life without him…even though I am beyond stressed by the constant fear for his life. I hate to say but the past 7 months of my life has been the scariest time of my life. And that makes me feel guilty.
- The recent kidnapping and murder in Ontario has me terrified to leave my children with anyone, but I’m so exhausted and I need a break.
- I feel invalidated because even 2 months in a mother and baby unit has not stopped me being detached and unable to cope. I have secretly stopped taking my meds because I’m scared they are poisoning me. I wish I could leave my family because I am such a terrible mother, and I should never have had children. I will never be well and my husband will soon tire of me.
- When my baby cries and I can’t calm her instantly, it’s like a switch goes off in my head. I just want her to shut up, stop crying. I think about putting a pillow over her face, throwing her down or against the wall. Anything to just get the crying to stop. Then I’m crying harder for thinking those things.
- I constantly have a fear that I am going to trip and drop my baby over the two story bannister and if he survived he’d be paralyzed.
- Every party, every BBQ, every outing means my son could die due to his life threatening food allergies. All it would take is a stray goldfish cracker.
- After I had my daughter they put her in my arms to wheel me up to my recovery room and I could barely even hold her because I was so weak, and I was terrified I was going to drop her. And I was thinking “she is so perfect and so precious and shes 100% dependent on me, i cannot protect her and I don’t know how take care of her. She hates me. She hates me.”
- I’m about three weeks pregnant and have a toddler and a partner who works night shifts and im on my own with both children and i am so afraid of the sleep deprivation and stress and l already have so much lack of sleep that i am going to hurt my baby, from lack of sleep. or just to get some sleep 🙁
i never had this with my first born, im so overwhelmed and on medication for anxiety and depression.
- When I brought my baby home from the hospital I thought, “If she just dies then at least I could get some sleep.”
- After being sexually molested as a child I had the worst anxiety I would do the same to my children. Terrible images in my mind would just pop in with no control. Even though I know I would NEVER do such a thing. Breastfeeding was a never ending battle with negative emotion and ptsd – although I love the bond it creates.
- I used to have reoccurring visions of my car door opening, the seatbelt holding the car seat being unfastened, and my helpless baby being thrown from the car and run over by traffic. It made me sick to even drive, even when my baby wasn’t even in the car.
- I once wanted to leave my kids at the house and crash my car into a tree just so I wouldn’t have to listen to the screaming for awhile if I was in the hospital.
- I feel like I’m not a good enough mom for my son because I want to smoke or drink a daiquiri every once and awhile & I cant because i breastfeed and I love it so much I just don’t know what to do .. it’s like that’s my way of wanting to deal with the stress I’m going thru..& dont judge me. Because I would be very alert with my baby and his dad is my boyfriend so I would be ok and had help if I were To do it.. idk
- I felt like she was the biggest mistake I’d ever made, not because of her, but because I felt like I shouldn’t have been a mom in the first place.
- I couldn’t have knives in the house because I was afraid I was going to stab my newborn. I couldn’t bathe him because I was afraid I might hold him under the water. I imagined myself throwing him down the stairs. I hated any sharp edges like drawers being open, because I was terrified I would trip and hit his head on them. I never wanted to hurt him, I wanted to keep him safe more than anything, so I have no idea where these thoughts came from.
- Strapping her into her car seat and leaving her on the porch so I could sleep.
- Why did I ever decide it was a good idea to have a baby in the first place?
- Even now with her as a toddler, what if I put her up for adoption because I can’t do this.
- When he was a newborn, I used to secretly hope that something bad would happen to him… like that he would die in his sleep. That way I wouldnt have to be responsible for a newborn, and also not responsoble for harming him. It would just be life taking its course.
- Sitting in the Walgreens parking lot thinking I could just drive away and not go back home (my mom was home with my baby while I ran errands)
- Sometimes when it gets hard i always think “i wish I never got pregnant. I wish I never had a baby. I never wanted kids in the first place. I wish this would go away”
- When she was first born, I couldn’t hold her. I felt no connection at all. I felt detached. Breast feeding didn’t work, and she was starving, so that increased the detached feeling. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be her mother. I thought about ending my life.
- I’m often tempted to get in my car, drive away, and never come back. I feel like my family would be better off without me.
- I would leave my baby in the middle of the supermarket hoping someone would steal him, and then run back over a few minutes later because I would become terrified they actually would.
- About 1 week postpartum I had a horrible nightmare about throwing an unknown baby against the floor an trying to drown it. It was terrifying and traumatic. Since then, I can’t stop searching up and poring over all the recent news articles about babies and children dying. I’m certain and terrified something (??) is going to harm or kill my son, or that something is wrong with him. I can’t sleep for checking on him every 20 minutes.
- That my family would be better off without me. That I am not enough.
- Seeing or even thinking about people holding my daughter triggers my anxiety. All I can think about is them dropping her and the sound it would make as her head hit the floor.
- The biggest thing stopping me from letting people babysit is, “What if something happens and no one tells me?”
- When I looked at my child and he wasnt smiling I thought he was sad and wasn’t enjoying his life. When he scowled at me and screamed I thought he hated me. I thought I was the only one who’s child acted out or didnt show emotion. I must be doing something wrong, I cant give him enough. Hes not happy. I want him to be happy even if someone else has to give it to him. But then I learned, kids like adults, have emotions too. Like adults, they dont always smile. They are thinking. Observing. Waiting. Even happy but looking content. Kids, are much like adults, they’re just getting use to it though.
- I am still so scared to be alone with my son. The first three months of his life, once my husband returned to work, were so horrible, alone all day in the house with him, he was colicky all day and all night, myself recovering, severe postpartum anxiety. I don’t know if this feeling will go away.
- I’m terrified to fall in love with my baby. I think the instant I do he’s going to die. He’s 8 months.
- I thought of drowning myself in the bathtub one evening just so my husband doesn’t have to feel tied down and stuck with the routine of taking care of me and my son. I also thought of cutting my wrists again.
- I start thinking of what I’d dress my girls in for their funerals. What cuddly toys would we choose to keep them company. Out of nowhere my mind will start planning it.
- When literally the only thing stopping me from coming up with and going through with a plan was the thought of my boys not growing up with their mother. And while that was on repeat, watching hubby manage 3 kids (& me), and thinking, “nah, he’d get along without me just fine. Look at how much better of a parent he is than me…”
- I have been exclusively breastfeeding. My little one has gotten teeth and bites me so much it’s making me lose my mind. Every time they bite me I want to throw em across the room. I feel so much guilt at the thought of stopping nursing because they take so much comfort in it but it’s breaking me.
- I’ve always thought, what if I’m not a good mom; what if I ruin my child, what if?? Maybe im not ment to be a mom but I love my child to death.
- Everyone keeps asking me if I will have a second child. I tell them no because I am happy with the one, but the real reason is that I’m deeply afraid of having postpartum depression again. It took me a month to love and want my son. I thought I ruined my life by having him. I can’t go through that again.
- Sometimes I really hate my husband. Because he gets to be a father and not a mother.
- My son’s screams are so triggering for me that I sometimes yell or scream right back and can spiral out of control. It pains me so much that I can react this way and I don’t know how to reconcile my behavior with being a good enough mom.
- I’m so scared to leave my son with his father for even a few minutes to run to the store. I don’t think he’d actually hurt him, but I can’t get the image of him losing control and doing something awful out of my head.
- Im already 16 months PP. But I still have PPD. Maybe bacause we live with my partners parents. And it adds to the stress. They dont help me with my baby, they only take care of the other two children which is my son’s nieces (3 and 5 months) and they ignore my son. And sometimes. When Im having a break down, I almost always spank my son on the butt or on the hand or yell at him, when he does something i dont like.like go out of our room. It stresses me out. I feel so guilty.
- I struggled from birth-6/7 months to bond with my son. He was colicky, and he had terrible reflux, so the sleep deprivation really hit me like a freight train. The 3 days before I admitted myself to an inpatient behavioral health program, I didn’t sleep; I would lie awake and listen, and every little noise or move he would make would have me wide awake, thinking he was waking up and needed me. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, anxiety, and insomnia with auditory hallucinations. I was put on a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, something for anxiety, and something at night to help me sleep. I lost those first precious 6 months because I was afraid if I admitted to struggling, CPS would come take my baby away. My son is a toddler now, and everyone asks when do we plan on having a second child…I just smile and say “maybe one day, but not yet”…I don’t have the energy to explain that PPD nearly destroyed me, and that I’m too afraid of losing myself again, so we do not plan on having more kids. My child has a healthy mom now, and my amazing, supportive husband has his wife back; and that is the biggest gift I can give them both.
- My perinatal depression made me feel disdain for my four year old. I didn’t want to spend time with her or “deal” with her, I just wanted to be in a hole by myself.
- After sundown every cry from my baby felt catastrophic. I thought of throwing him. I saw him hitting the wall and then the ground. I thought of screaming at him. Smacking him. At sunrise that violence went away but then fear took over and I would be paralyzed by my anxiety. Every step felt like a cliff that I would fall off of and die, killing both myself and my baby.
- We were on a walk and I wanted to just keep going at the intersection and put myself and her stroller in front of an oncoming bus. It took all my willpower not to step off that curb. I am so thankful that I had that ounce of willpower left.
- My husband was at work and I decided I should leave my newborn in her swing and my 2 year old watching tv and leave forever, and never come back. I figured my husband would find them in 8 hours and they would all be better off without me. I would get in my car and they wouldn’t even notice I was gone because I was useless, ugly, not worthy of love, and a terrible mother.
- Everyone tells me that I need to have another child. That my baby can’t be an only child. And they started telling me this when I was still pregnant. But what they don’t know is that the process of getting pregnant was emotionally painful. Every negative test sent me into a downward spiral that only ended when I slept. My husband told me I wasn’t allowed to take tests anymore because it was so hard for both of us. When we finally got pregnant, I was obsessed with the idea that I would do something wrong and lose the baby. I was terrified that I would mess up and hurt the baby. And then I became high risk because of my blood pressure (probably because I was so stressed), and I felt even worse. I was terrified of having preeclampsia. Everything focused on the possibility that my stress levels would hurt the baby – and that made me stress more. I was put on antidepressants, and that seemed to help, until my baby was born. Every time my baby cried, or didn’t sleep, or acted like a baby, I felt like I was a shitty mom. I felt like my baby would be better off without me. I had to change antidepressants when my baby was 12 months old. He’s 15 months old now, and I still feel like a shitty mom. I don’t think I can do this again. I’m afraid it would destroy me. I love my baby, but I don’t want another. And every time someone tells me that I need another child, that only children are somehow less than kids with siblings, that I’m hurting my baby by not having another child … I just can’t win.
- Feeling like I was being physically drained when breastfeeding, like the life was being sucked out of me.
Feeling trapped inbetween my baby sleeping in her crib and my husband sleeping next to me – wanting to get out of there urgently.
Never being able to relax when with my daughter and feeling relief when I wasn’t with her.
- When I am so overwhelmed with the suffocating and extreme clinginess of my toddler, thoughts of suicide have become a comfort measure to me since I know there will always be a way out if I need it.
- Thinking my friend was the lucky one cos her baby was stillborn. Wishing I could have my baby adopted, if only nobody would hate me for it.
Thinking the only way out of this new mum life would be if I died. Wishing my newborn baby would develop a life threatening disease like meningitis so I could have my old life back.
- I feel like anytime I do something for myself and get a sitter, something is going to happen and it will be my fault because I was selfish and doing something without him and I wasn’t there to protect him. It’ll be all my fault because I wasn’t there, or if I was there with him he wouldn’t be where he was when he got hurt. The very thought of losing him is all consuming. At night I want to hold him as long as possible because I never want to say or think I didn’t or don’t hold him enough.
- I have scary unwanted sexual thoughts and images in my mind of sexually abusing my daughter or someone else sexually abusing her ( very graphic images ) and these thoughts are very disturbing I feel like crying all day everyday i would never do anything like that.
- All kinds of sexual thoughts and images in my mind that make me feel sick in the head I ask myself why am I looking at my daughter like this why am I getting these thoughts ? Am I a pedophile ? Am I a child molestor? Thinking if these thoughts will ever go away and when .. praying repealdly lighting candles and asking god to forgive me praying for the thoughts to go away for them to go away , wanting to tell people and reach out for help but being scared thinking there’s a high chance of her being taken away from me because everyone will think I’m a pedophile or an unfit mother ….get scared that I will get out of control and moleste her or or my other kids in the future being scared to have more kids asking myself if I deserved this baby thinking thoughts like walking away not being around her she’s better off without me but I know all of these thoughts are not true still can’t help but to have them I have a thought when I wake up in the morning immediately and pray for it to go away asking myself why why me ..: Getting scared that I will be sexually attracted to my daughter when older all kinds of scary thoughts that haunt me.
- The truth is I never wanted a baby I always hated kids I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom I love working. But now I have no choice. When I got pregnant I wanted an abortion but my boyfriend convinced me to keep it. He said he’ll be there for us and we were gunna be okay. So I kept the baby. I had my son I love my son with all of my heart but I ended up with post partum depression the entire first year of my sons life. Everything’s different now and the relationship with my boyfriend is worse. I can’t help but think what if I just got the abortion would I be happy?
- When my anxiety started about 5 months after my 4th baby, I prayed it was hormones and would go away on its own. Before long it turned into full blown panic attacks almost everyday, insomnia, lack of appetite, headaches, and horrific intrusive thoughts. Everything and everyone seemed like a threat to my children, including myself. I was so terrified of having a panic attack and fainting while I was alone with the kids or just snapping completely and doing something completely out of character. I couldn’t be alone with my own children. I am feeling so much better now, 5 months later, but I still worry I will never feel 100% like myself again.
- Im impatient with my kids when they want too much attention. Sometimes I wish I didnt have children. Secretly Im glad I work full time, I dont know if I could be a stay at home Mom.
- I am a 21 year old mom. Sometimes I just want to run away and leave everything behind. I just want to know what it’s like to be someone my age. Make spontaneous weekend long plans, go to bars, date around. It’s turned into a fantasy.
- I can’t lift weights when my baby is in the room because I’m convinced that somehow I will drop it on her head, even when she’s across the room and sound asleep.
- After my baby suffered birth trauma that resulted in her losing oxygen at birth, I am convinced there is an undiagnosed birth injury present and have spent endless nights googling imaginary issues. It has gotten worse as she has gotten older because now I see babies of similar ages completing milestones that she’s no where close to and I convince myself there are problems rather than acknowledging that all babies develop at different rates.
- I can’t do this anymore, I want to die. But I don’t want to leave my babies. Would it be so bad if I took them with me? (Thoughts at my lowest point. I have a toddler and newborn and was tired and overwhelmed with stress and anger)
- I have had recurring thoughts that my baby and boyfriend would be better off without me in their life.
- Why do I yell at my kids? My mom never yelled at us. My kids don’t deserve a mom who yells at them. They deserve someone better. I can’t even stop myself! Am I out of control? What if I hurt them? What’s that noise? Is that someone coming to hurt us? What if it’s a truck full of people with machine guns and they drag us out of our house to shoot us all! I couldn’t live if I watched anyone do that to my kids! There’s an airplane. What if it’s here to drop a bomb on us? I can’t even go look because I’m stuck here nursing my baby. What would it be like if I left them all? I No dirty diapers, no one needing me to make them food, no baby waking me up in the middle of the night, no one bothering me. Where would I go? My husband is so much better with the kids and they love him more than me. I don’t know why I even bother trying. I don’t even like them sometimes.
- It started off with my children will get sick and I can’t handle it another was leaving them with there dad and something happening they fall on they’re head then I started getting horrible thoughts after watching stupid crime shows specially Ted Bundy or Jeffery Dauhmer (I have boys) and I started getting scared that men would kidnap my boys and do horrible things to them them. It became horrible going tin public places beginning to think everyone was a predator or killer and then I over think and then wonder omg would I turn into a murder will I do things like that I started invisioning horrible scenes in my head that had me thinking I was crazy and I started to panick I felt guilty looking at my children I would think never I would never!! I love my babies I’m not a killer why are these thoughts happening to me.. I was fine two weeks ago why is this happening I was scared to be alone with my children a fear I had put in my head and it began to consume me I found this forum and I felt relieve honestly other mothers are like me they worry too they think thoughts.
- That I will hold my baby so tight to stop her crying that I will accidentally smother her.
- Every time I would be driving with the kids in the car, I would imagine another car smashing into us and killing me. Not them, just me.
- I would think my oldest daughter was a demon!! I’m no better with my younger daughter I believe she is Lucifette !!Don’t get me wrong I love my girl’s but I screwed their head’s up!! I won’t ever be forgiven for that!!
- When my daughter is shouting and crying for attention only (having already fed, changed, let her nap and played with her) I feel so frustrated I find myself getting angry. I shout at her and hold her dummy in her mouth, and then I cry my eyes out but I feel like such a bad mum. I love her to bits and I promise I’ll never do it again, but then I do. Sometimes I just want to cellotape her dummy into her mouth to get her to stop shouting. It’s so hard and the guilt is the worst bit.
- I’m a Dad. I’ve dealt with intrusive OCD thoughts in the past and have done some stupid things to quiet them. My wife almost died giving birth and it really ratcheted up my anxiety. After my dd was born, I’ve worried about sexually assaulting her, electrocuting her and being driven to hold her over my balcony which makes no sense, but my mind makes reasons for me to do it. The thought was engendered when I recalled Michael Jackson dangling his baby over a balcony, and since then I’ve had the thought of me doing the same thing run across my mind when I wake up and throughout the day. My mind makes me think I have to hold my baby over the bannister to make the thoughts go away, but the thought of accidentally dropping her and her dying and me going to prison and not being able to live with myself anymore is disturbing me.
- I hate breastfeeding. I hate holding my baby all day. I want my life and body back. I love my baby but please, leave my boobs alone. I need to preserve some part of myself at least. Formula is so much better than this engorgement.
- i can’t stop thinking about throwing my baby across the room at a wall every time he cries and cries and starts screaming. When he is restless when i am trying to give him his bottle and won’t stop moving i feel like squeezing him so tight just to get him to stop moving, every time he won’t stop crying i start balling my eyes out i feel so hopeless like such a bad mother for even thinking these thoughts i just repeat to him over and over again “i am so sorry.”
- I’m so angry, everyday it gets easier to just be mad. I use to cry when I felt overwhelmed when they were babies. But they’re both toddlers now, and I’m just mad all the time. I’m so scared I’m ruining them, my kids and my husband would be better off if I wasn’t around being sad and angry all the time. I’m just exhausted.
- Some times I drop my kids off at daycare or my parents and I hope I won’t come back, not because I made the choice, but because the car goes off the bridge, or something terrible happens. And I think to myself that wouldn’t be the worst thing, they’re better off without me anyways. But then I think of not being with them and how heartbroken they would be, and I have a meltdown.
- I don’t have a maternal bone in my body. I enjoy my kids in small bursts. I can’t be with them all day. I don’t like entertaining them all day. The more time I’m away from my kids, the happier I am. I’m tired of being a stay at home mom. I was trying to go back to work, but we had a surprise baby & now I have to do this all over again. My baby is turning two & I am starting to resent her. I didn’t like this age with my older one and I’m kicking myself for going through this again. Sometimes I wish my husband had that vasectomy a few years ago so we wouldn’t have this problem. I only enjoy playing with my little one in the morning. Once she wakes up from her nap, I’m done for the day. I just count down the hours until my husband comes home. I’ll never understand women who are just fine entertaining their children all day long. I’m struggling with two, but when I see moms with more than two, it makes me feel even worse because it shows me that they can handle more children than me. It makes me feel weak.
- I worry almost constantly about climate change and how it will impact my baby’s future. I often worry that once he’s old enough to understand how dire the state of the world is, he’ll resent me for bringing him into it.
- When I picked up my baby I could see me banging her head against the wall. When I went to go down the stairs I would see her falling. When I drove over a bridge with her in the back I would see us crashing over the edge. I told no one, for fear they would think these things were reality. I had these vision every day from her being newborn to several months of age.
- I was obsessed that he would die in his sleep. I had a vision or dream that something happened to him in a certain onesie so I would never let anyone dress him in it at night. Once I had a vision of me thinking he was a roast chicken and cutting a piece off before realising it was him and I had cut off his hand. I had a vision of us going for a walk to the lake and what it would be like for a family to just find him in the pram alone by the waters edge. I had no suicidal thoughts. Repetitive dreams of him drowning.
- Whenever I leave him alone with my husband I convince myself that my husband secretly hates me and is conspiring with his family to steal the baby away but just acting like everything is fine to my face. I search the house to look for signs that he isn’t coming back.
When he takes my photo of me asleep holding the baby I think he is taking them to prove I’m a bad mother so he can get full custody.
I worry that my husband will get angry and shake the baby while I have left them alone together.
- I could just walk away from it all disappear. My family would be better off without me.
What if I just didnt turn the wheel when a band in the road comes I could just careen into traffic and it would all be over.
What if I just drowned myself? What if I just crushed my head under the mounting pressure? What if I just took all of the pills?
I have the control and the power to stay. I understand the difference between needing the pain to stop but also wanting to live my life to the fullest.
- Because I’m breastfeeding, my sex drive is low and I’m not interested in sex. I also have extra weight from pregnancy and back/hip/clitorial pain from giving birth so I generally feel like crap about my body. I keep picturing my partner cheating on me and leaving us because he isnt happy with who I’ve become and what I look like.
I also am a survivor of childhood sexual assault. My abuser was my stepfather. I know he never would, but I get scared that my partner sexually abuses our baby when I’m at work. I could never tell him because it would break his heart that I was having those thoughts. He’s such a good father…
I have a hard time not holding my baby when I’m home with her alone. I will go up to a week without having a shower because I’m scared that someone is going to come in and murder her while I’m in the shower. I literally picture her being murdered, then I picture me killing the murderer, then killing myself so I can be with my baby.
- I couldn’t stop wishing that I would break my leg or get seriously ill so I could go to the hospital and have a break from being a mum.
- When I would change his nappy I would realise how easy it would be to sexually abuse him. This made me feel sick as I was worried that thought coming into my mind was because I wanted to do that. After a few moments I realised it’s because it’s one of my biggest fears. That I’m terrified of someone abusing him and I realised how easy it could happen.
- I have a fear that someone is going to break into my house and only steal my baby girl and that they’ll hurt her and I’ll never see her again. We still have her crib in our room but this is why I don’t want to move her to her room because it’s closer to the stairs.
- My husband works away so I am alone with my 4 year old and 1 year old- we have no family near by- no ‘village’ so to speak. I have high blood pressure and go through times where I have a headache. Sometimes I think I am going to die in the house and no one will find me and the kids will be alone for a long time with me dead in the house. I think about them needing me and not being able to wake me up. It’s brutal.
- I sit with my colic baby in my arms, screaming his head off, going on 3 hours, and my mind goes… “If it’s so terrible being our son, maybe you should have been someone elses”…
- My baby was a birth control baby. He was my fourth very close together. I was so angry he was here. So angry what he took from me. I wasn’t even sure I loved him. I’m still grieving what I feel he took from me. I still struggle to bond with him 22 months later.
- I was holding my baby trying to get him to sleep and would have visions of someone shooting us through the window. I was terrified we would die.
- When my husband told me not to throw the baby at him after the first day he went back to work, I wanted to stab him in the head when he walked in the door.
- Every day I imagine some horrible way my son could accidentally be killed or severely hurt. Every time my husband walks up or down the stairs with him I feel sick to my stomach.
- My daughter looks like my husband and his mother. Sometimes I get scared she’s the ugliest child in the room. Other times I have a fear of her growing up and looking like a man. At night I suffocate and can’t breathe imagining her growing up and becoming identical to my mother in law.
- I don’t feel like I’m her mother. I’m not connected to her, and it feels like someone else would be better off with her than I am.
- When ever my son starts his colic fits, a very brutal image starts playing in my head. I picture me, grabbing him by the ankles and smashing him into the ground over and over and over… Needless to say I’d never do it, but the thought is always there when he cries, and it makes me fear I’ll one day snap and do it. I’m scared of myself because of these thoughts.
- I thought I would some how in my sleep throw my baby out the window.
- My baby had issues latching and could not successfully breastfeed. I couldn’t mentally keep up with a pumping schedule. I blamed myself completely and saw this as a failure on my part, even though my son had lip tie. It was no ones fault. Still I was angry with myself and angry with my baby. When he would cry in the night I wanted to scream at him to shut up. A couple times I did. When he kept me awake for hours in the rocking chair, I had intrusive images of throwing him across the room. When I bathed him, I wondered what would happen if I just let go of him. When I walked down the stairs, I imagined dropping him. When I went out, I imagined him being hit by a car. Every move I made and every breath I took, I had horror shadowing my thoughts. I became paranoid of bacteria. I became obsessively convinced that my son was never going to bond with me because I couldn’t breastfeed. I was controlled by the thought that he was never going to love me. I had to do everything for him and be everything to him just in case he found comfort in someone else’s arms, just in case he bonded with someone else more than me. I hid this from everyone, including my husband, because I was paralyzed by the fear that he would be taken away from me. One night I imagined how peaceful it would be to die. My husband has a gun for hunting and I thought, why not get it over with? My son will be better off without me. That’s when I told my husband about my intrusive thoughts. He cried for me and held me. I started medication and joined a support group. Now I am a truly happy mom, wife and woman. I have always loved my baby and showed him endless love, but now I show him love from my heart instead of out of obligation. Although I was a very good mom during those dark days, I was unable to see it. Now I see it clearly, even when I make mistakes. I am a good mom and the perfect mom for my son.
- I often thought of how much better off my children would be having a Mum that wasn’t ‘crazy’, the baby crying at night would set me into a panic. If they weren’t crying I’d peak on them at least once before I tried to sleep. I had many intrusive thoughts about my children being sexually abused by family or by random people breaking into my house. My own thoughts of hurting them or being violent, drowning them by accident, dropping them down the stairs, etc. I was disgusted with what was going on in my head. So many times I considered killing myself, so my husband could marry a more mentally stable woman and have a happier life. That my kids would have a better Mum. I’ve gone to a psych now and have been able to talk more to people I trust about where my head is at. My youngest is 3 and I still struggle sometimes with horrible thoughts, but I have skills now to better manage. It also helps, I think, that they aren’t as little.
- I’m going to fail, I’m not good enough, somehow _____ is going to happen and my son is going to die. I’ve cried on the way to work, and broken down at work because of this. Being a mental health therapist, I know this is just cognitive distortions and anxiety, but in the moment it is everything and I am convinced something is going to happen.
- I have twins and every time I leave them alone with their grandparents I’m afraid that I will get a call that they were rushed the hospital. I imagine family members dropping them and me yelling at them. I once had a dream that Baby B was gone, she suddenly died and I woke up crying because now I try to spend as much time as possible with her when she’s the first one up. I’m terrified that something will go wrong from my my sleep deprivation.
- I thought if I left her crying for too long the neighbors would call the police to take her away from me and take me to jail.
I cant “sleep when baby sleeps” because I thought I wouldnt hear her cry and shed suffocate on her tears/saliva and die. Same thing goes for during the middle night. After she’s content and goes back to sleep I continue to stay up for 30 mins- until I fall asleep so if something happens ( acid reflux or if she throws up) I can make sure I dont sleep through it so she won’t die.
- I thought if I told anyone about my emergency c section or about ny daughter in the NICU they would think I was an unfit mother and have my baby taken away.
- I am a new Mom, and every night when I go to sleep I worry my baby will stop breathing in the middle of the night. Some nights I’m up all night watching him because the thought is so overwhelming. I have underlying anxiety and BPD so my emotions and thoughts are magnified.
- I have lots of scary thoughts. One is, I fear I am not adequate. I fear that I don’t love my baby because I’m tired and overwhelmed or I’m not good enough. I also have an irrational fear someone will molest her. I won’t let anyone change her diaper. I won’t let my boyfriend be alone with her. Sometimes I have scary images that follow these thoughts . Although they are incredibly distressing I have to remember it’s a symptom. When I’m tired it’s hard to recognize what’s a fear and what are facts.
- I thought the postpartum anxiety and rage symptoms would get better as my children grew out of the baby stage. But there are times where I’m afraid I’ll hurt them. I hate how I feel after I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs. I know I need to share these things in a safe place and work on a solution but I’m afraid of being labeled a bad mom, or being judged, or having my children taken.
- My fear is that I am going to die. I’m going to have cancer and a long and gruesome ending. My son will see all of it. And then I’ll be gone and will miss all of his life. He’ll grow up and never know me or even remember me. He will love someone else as a mother.
This thought started to terrify me when he was about 5 months old. And it has gotten worse to the point its an obsession. I look for signs of illness in my body constantly. Most days I’m afraid to look at myself in the mirror because I will find something wrong. A common cold is usually a deathly flu in my mind. A headache is deadly mengitis or brain cancer. My hip hurts because it is probably cancer. My heartburn is always stomach cancer. I’m terrified of touching my breasts and I examin them monthly with my heart racing and almost panicking.
I am so tired of living like this. I don’t dare planing the future. I convinced myself I’m going to die before my child goes to kindergarten.
- Sometimes when my baby won’t sleep and I’m exhausted I picture myself throwing her on the bed or throwing her across the room and it just kills me because I know I would never hurt her so why do I have these thoughts and images? There’s times where I envision myself shaking her so she stops crying or just yelling at the top of my lungs…. I can’t help but bawl my eyes out when she finally goes to sleep I just stare at her and think how could I think these horrible thoughts about my daughter? Why? I feel like such a bad mother.
- I keep having recurrent dreams of my child in bed with me and everytime I would try and scoop her up into my arms she would sink further into the blankets. I would start to panic trying to grab her, while hitting my husband next to me asking if she had her. It is hard to differentiate if it is real or not upon waking, and takes me a while to calm down.
- That I would drown my baby in the bathtub. Put her in the microwave. I’ve thought I am never going to get through this. I have intrusive suicidal thoughts. I question what kind of person am I everyday. I’m constantly in a loop. I’m seeing a psyotherapist and psychiatrist. Hoping for better days!
- I’m scared of leaving my baby with anyone, I feel like nobody can care for my baby like I do, so much I barely shower or use the restroom. It’s gotten so bad I don’t want to go back to work with the fear of leaving my baby with someone. I’m scared of going out and being in an accident with my baby in the car, I’m scared of someone taking my baby while we’re at the store, I’m scared of anything and everything. I rather be locked in our room just the both of us
- I hate to even type this, but I thought about choking my son when he wouldn’t stop crying uncomfortably, talking to my dr tomorrow, I’m scared of myself at this point.
- My scary thoughts have been circling around images of me being violent against my toddler. She is going through a screaming for hours on end phase (at least I hope to god it’s a phase) and it triggers my rage/anxiety so badly. Today I keep thinking, “I think I hate her” and then end up hating myself.
- That I would drown my baby in the bathtub. Put her in the microwave. I’ve thought I am never going to get through this. I have intrusive suicidal thoughts. I question what kind of person am I everyday. I’m constantly in a loop. I’m seeing a psyotherapist and psychiatrist. Hoping for better days!
- I have PTSD from being in the military so when I had my son I was scared I would go crazy and do something horrible to my child. I was scared I would become one of those crazy women who stuffed their child in a microwave or the oven. I love him dearly and I would never do anything to hurt him, but to this day I still get scared of these thoughts. I felt like a horrible mother because of these thoughts, I sometimes cry when I’m alone or in the shower because I don’t want my husband to see me cry.
- When I take a photo of my son I imagine looking at it after he has died, probably silently in his crib. I imagine what it would feel like for that photo to be all I can remember him by.
- When I have the stroller out in a parking lot or a busy street, I imagine what it would be like for a car to hit it and run over my baby’s head. I imagine his head smushed on the ground and how I would want to die in that instant.
- I had a dream that my baby drowned in the bathtub, I pulled him out and tried to revive him but it was obvious what had happened, in the dream I couldnt scream or call for help and I kept thinking how am I going to tell my husband.
- She’s walking now and every time she falls I think she’s going to break her wrists, dent her head or get scratched up. But every time she proves me wrong. She gets up and keeps walking.
- I avoid going out to places with people I have to talk to. People give their opinions all the time. “She will get sick walking without socks” “Her hair is wet, she will catch a cold” “she looks really pale to be your daughter” “she is really big for her age” “aren’t you afraid of germs or that she will hurt herself? *as she puts my car keys in her mouth*”. My people pleasing ways want to make these people see that I’m a good mom, I care for her so I too often make an excuse or prove to them I’m caring for her well being.
- Whenever people ask me if I would like to have kids in the future I tell them “no, because I don’t like children”. The truth is that I would love to have children but I have such a crippling fear of being a bad and violent mom that I make myself sick. My instability and issues should not be translated onto someone so pure and vulnerable.
- I was away for the weekend with my baby & boyfriend and every time I close my eyes I imagine someone breaking into our room and stealing her.
- I have “everything” I’m a stay at home mom to a wonderful boy, we make decent money, i have a roof over my head etc…but sometimes i wish i didn’t have to wake up and be a parent. Sometimes i think well what if something happened to my son? And then i know that it would be the worst feeling in the world. Or sometimes when my son and i are having an especially difficult day, i want to take my frustration out on him but then i snap back instantly and know in a million years i would never.
- I read a terrible book once where a child gets tortured in front of his mother. I keep on thinking about that scene, just that it’s my son that gets tortured.
- I forget my son in the parking lot of the store and he stands there alone, crying for me while I drive off.
- I’m miserable with my SAHM routine, but I don’t tell anyone anything ever, since I have no choice. I feel SO alone. I wish I could just sleep all day & have snacks here & there, but I get up everyday with my human alarm princess & do what I have to do for her, because I have no other choice. I keep all my feelings to myself because I don’t want to burden my husband who works about 90hrs a week to take care of our household. I don’t want to burden my mom who works 12hr days 5 days a week to maintain herself & my grandmother. I don’t want to burden my MIL because she works 12hr days as well. None of them can help me. I don’t want help from anyone else. So you can see how I can feel stuck, right? The isolation is also just something else. None of my friends know what this mom life is about. They all have their busy non-mom lives to live, & they have their own emotional issues, so why bother them either? Dealing with my beautiful baby for 12hrs a day, then having the other 12hrs to do chores, maybe cook, “watch tv”, “self care”, oh and sleep. The little time my husband is around, all he wants to do is sleep, so I feel bad in asking him for help with anything other than directly dealing with the baby. And also I sometimes feel like I’m invisible because he’s always on his phone whenever he actually has energy to stay awake. I don’t regret anything having to do with our baby, but I just wish I’d be happier with the overall routine. And not feel so alone. And stuck. And drowning in my feelings.
- I have so many thoughts and I can’t stop them, I also know I would never act on the ones that include me. I’m going to get into an accient and he’s going to die I’m going to look In the crib and he is going to be cold and lifeless I’m going to drop him on cement Someone is going to take him from me
Someone is going to break in and kill us both (I’ve had nightmares about this one so many times, and it happens so many ways) Someone is going to throw him on the ground.
- I believed that my partner was going to kidnap the children from me when I slept. I didn’t trust him not to.
- I love my babies so much , I would be so lost without them but i am so mad and irradiated all of them time . Dad is there helps tremendously but i am so uncontrollably mad and always yelling . Sometimes i wonder whats wrong with me.
- I have a new fear that my husband and I are somehow going to die in our sleep and our toddler won’t know what to do and our baby will scream until someone finds us.
- I have thoughts all the time still and my son is 16 mos and I’m 5 mos pregnant with my second son. I worry about everything to the point of not being able to breathe and have disturbing images pop into my head of bad things happening to my son. His dad likes to take him on walks and I imagine him getting hit by a car, I imagine him drowning when I bathe him even though I’m standing right there, of someone breaking in and killing us, a car crash. I even fear myself, thinking what if I stab him or shake him or even molest him. What if I leave him in the car on accident. What if CPS takes him away. It’s hard for me to even think about this while he’s sitting here, I’m so ashamed because I love him so much and think he’s wonderful. Sometimes I have thoughts of jumping in front of a train to kill myself and think he’d be better off without me. I know it’s not true but I can’t help but think it at times. It drives my husband crazy and makes him think I don’t trust him to care for our son (even though he does a good job) because I am so anxiety ridden about everything he does.
- I had severe PPD with my first two. With baby three, I’ve wept more over the fear of it coming back than any actual depression. Each day I feel a little more confident and hopeful that I’m “in the clear”, then I feel guilty for feeling better this time around. I’m afraid of loving him more than my first two. I’m finding healing in this baby, but it’s always tainted with guilt.
- I was paranoid that I was somehow going to become a pedophile. Rationally I knew this was not possible but I had so much anxiety about breastfeeding, bathtime or diaper changes. Not being able to express this bizarre paranoia just made me more anxious about it.
- My daughter was fussing and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I had the suddenly saw myself in my mind getting up and smashing her head against the wall and imagined the terrible silence that would follow. The thought passed just as quickly as it came, but it was a devastating image and I felt so scared and ashamed for having it.
- Because I’m constantly afraid my baby will die, I repeat in my head “I hope you die” about my baby as way to trick fate or evil spirits so that he is protected. I have to think the worst thing possible so that it doesn’t really happen but these thoughts weigh so heavily on my mind because who thinks that about her baby even if it’s a way to keep baby safe?
- 6 months in and I’m convinced she’s going to stop breathing at the exact moment I’m not checking on her. I have full blown panic attack’s at night jumping up to check her and make sure she’s still breathing okay. Drowning her in the tub, dropping her in the shower. Reading the news about other babies dying and that same thing happening to her. When she’s frantic my husband takes her outside and walks her around. I secretly watch him or go outside with them because my minds convinced he’s shaking her or smashing her head against a tree or the concrete.
- I constantly fear with the possibility of SIDS. My baby sleeps so well and I can never sleep because I feel I have to watch her all the time and make sure she’s breathing. It doesn’t help that before I gave birth, a friend told me about a friend of hers that lost her baby to SIDS. I sometimes may need a little break but also have a constant fear that no one is capable of watching my baby at any time. I’m scared of having her out in this big scary world.
- I suffered from horrific PPD after my son was born. I was driving with him in the car when he was about a month old, and I seriously considered dropping him off with family and just finding a method of taking my own life. Weekly therapy and medication saved me.
- When riding the car ferry I couldn’t get out of my car for fear that I would drop my baby over the railing.
- When I was pregnant I had an irrational fear that I had slept with someone other than my husband, and that I couldn’t remember it. I was worried that my husband wasn’t the father, even though I had never been with another man. I thought about it daily, and I dreaded the weeks leading up to giving birth, literally worried sick. When they first brought my son to me, the first thing I did was look at his face to make sure that he resembled my husband.
- I was sure my baby was going to die of SIDS. Every time I left the room or closed my eyes, I had vivid images of finding my child dead, his funeral, his body in a casket, and even visions of me mourning afterwards. It was if it had really happened.
- I’m so scared my daughter is going to get cancer or some other terminal illness. She’s only eight months old and hasn’t even had a single cold. I feel like it can’t (shouldn’t) be this easy, and that eventually fate will catch up and she’ll be so irreversibly sick.
- At night when I’m breastfeeding my son I think about the life I could of been living at 26yo and wish I had an abortion and cry about the fact that I wish I had an abortion. I love him with my whole heart and always wanted a baby but now that he’s here, I wish I never got pregnant. I feel like the universe is punishing me for some reason by allowing me to have these constant thoughts. When will I not feel this regret?
- I couldn’t put him in the car without starting the engine first. I managed to convince myself that I was going to put him into the car, and somehow fall and knock myself unconscious leaving him to cook inside a boiling hot car. So I had to first start the engine, then put him in. This then progressed into making sure I always had 1/2 a tank or more of gas. If I had less gas than that, i would get myself into such a panic attack that I then had to sit and calm down for 30 mins before driving. It was a nightmare and showed itself in many other scenarios, this was just the main one because it occurred every day.
- My six month old daughter was an unexpected, unplanned pregnancy that I discovered at 32 weeks. Because I wasn’t planning on (ever) having kids, I thought back to all the stuff I had that were considered big ‘no-no’s while being pregnant—wine, Advil, energy drinks, a cigar, no prenatal vitamins—and felt such fear for her well-being that it has persisted after she was born into present day. I worry she won’t develop well or, worse, will somehow come down with something life threatening or fatal because of how negligent I was in my unknowingly pregnant state. I also have not been able to breastfeed and though I’ve gotten over most of the guilt for that and am happy I have the option of formula to supplement, I worry that she won’t be as nurtured or healthy as children who are breast fed. All of this combined has made the thought that I’m going to ultimately fail (as in, lose her) feel very possible.
- When I was 9 weeks pregnant life got really hard and I started praying for a miscarriage because I couldn’t imagine having a baby with everything going on. Now I’m afraid something bad is going to happen to her to punish me for not appreciating her from the beginning.
- I worry that if I sleep I will wake up and my baby won’t be breathing and it will be all my fault because I didn’t check if he was breathing.
- I hate the window in my son’s room. It has no screen yet and his room is on the second story. I can’t break the image from my mind when the it’s open that his weight gets displaced while holding him too close and he falls out the window by accident, or worse, that I am throwing him out the window. It is torture to not be able turn this thought off. I hate that although I love him will all of my being and my heart and would lay down my life for him, that I feel like I am still capable of terrible things just by virtue of having hands and arms and being bigger than him.
- I used to love dogs. Since having children I am terrified of them, they seem unknown, unpredictable threats. I have terrifying images particularly when walking in parks. I see a dog in the distance begin to bound up to us and I imagine them sprinting at me and attacking my toddler in his buggy or getting my baby around the neck, I see the dog thrashing from side to side and I feel sick. Sometimes I can’t speak or someone else talking to me won’t snap me out of it. I avoid parks on my own, I never have a picnic in an open park and encountering dogs in public sets my heart pounding.
- My toddler or baby’s crying triggers a fight or flight response in me and I get overwhelming scary thoughts if they cry for extended amounts of time, particularly at night. I want to make them be quiet and my mind always pictures me holding them by the legs and whacking their head as hard as possible against a wall to make them stop. This is so distressing. I adore my boys, when they do accidentally hurt themselves I am a wreck and can be deeply shaken up by even small bumps. I don’t know how I can have all this love and seeming aggression at once in my mind.
- I’m scared I might be pregnant with Satan’s baby and I don’t want to give birth to him or her cause I’m afraid I’ll die.
- I am afraid that if I don’t do everything “right” that something will happen to my baby. If I go too long without checking her while she’s sleeping then in my mind something has happened to her and she has stopped breathing because I didn’t check her to make sure she was okay. I have to touch her chest and feel her breathing to know that nothing happened to her. I am afraid if she cries too long that I am emotionally damaging her. I am afraid of taking her places and getting her off schedule. I am afraid if I leave her with a babysitter that something will happen because I wasn’t with her and selfishly went out to do something. It is exhausting.
- Each time my baby cries I’m in panic. I think something bad must be happening to her – maybe she’s dying etc. 🙁 My husband keeps saying that babies cry and it’s normal. To me it’s scary. It’s scary to the point I’m afraid to be with her alone. I’m afraid something will happen to her before my eyes and I’ll be paralyzed with fear and not able to help her.
- I no longer remember specifics, but I spent nearly the first year of my first child’s life afraid of scary thoughts that I would touch him inappropriately, sexually in some way.
- Whenever I take the kids outside, I’m terrified of wasps because I don’t know if they’re allergic and I imagine them having an anaphylactic reaction.
- I saw vidid visions of my baby accidentally falling to the floor. Out of my arms at the top of the stairs. Tumbling from her grandparents grasp. Slipping when my husband would hand her to me. Falling when friends would reposition her in their arms. And it always resulted in her skull splitting on the floor and long stringy bits of brain scattering. Like a spilled bowl of spaghetti on the floor. I saw bits of brain, almost daily, in my mind. It took all of the strength I had keep to polite conversations with family and friends going while I was was seeing these vivid visions. If they only knew.
- I feel like anyone that holds my son is trying or going to take him from me, even my own family…I always get nervous and want to cry seeing him in someone else’s arms.
- All of my scary thoughts involved the car. I had this vivid image of the baby bursting into a fire ball and shooting out of the car window. I also had these imaginations of driving and suddenly seeing my baby out on the sidewalk and no way to get to her. Part of me knew they were completely unrealistic, but the other part of me would be sent into a crippling, cant breathe, tear-filled terror.
- I hate leaving my son. What if something bad happens when he isn’t in my care? And I wasn’t there to help him. I would never forgive myself.
- We lived in an apartment. Second floor. I was scared I throw my baby off the porch when she cried.
- I have a six month old and any small pain, or odd sensation in my body really, immediately causes my hypochondriac tendencies power up. Motherhood has supercharged this health anxiety – the scary thoughts that used to whisper to me suddenly got their hands on a megaphone. I worry about having an undiagnosed heart problem or experiencing a symptom that somehow reveals I have cancer. In the span of 13 seconds today, I wondered if my husband would have more children if he remarried when I died. I wondered if I would write my daughter a letter to share my accrued wisdom since I wouldn’t be there to watch her grow up. I picture myself in a chemotherapy clinic, crying because I was realizing I may not watch my daughter graduate. I fixate on these incredibly dark thoughts. I don’t even know how I think them so quickly? I hate them so much. And I genuinely feed sad I have them. If someone else were to tell me they were having thoughts like this, I would just feel so incredibly sad that the world seemed like an impending life threatening catatrasophe to them. To live with an overwhelming feeling of medical doom, about to change your life forever and your child’s life forever, is to miss so much joy.
- My children would get kidnapped. My baby would suffocate at night. They would choke and I wouldn’t be able to save them. I would accidentally drive off the side of the road and down the embankment and they would all die. I am terrified of so many things all day that I think sleeping is better but then I just stress about all the things that could happen while they are sleeping.
- My in laws just got a new pool and I keep imagining finding my toddler at the bottom of it, no one realizing he even got outside.
- We live in a place with hot summers, and my baby was born in August. I was terrified that I would get her buckled into her carseat and as I went around to the driver’s side to get in, I would be killed by a passing car and no one would see my baby in the back and she would die in there, in the hot car.
- What if I die before my husband learns my sons schedule/routine/food. What if I die and my son is still breastfeeding to sleep. What if I die and my husband doesn’t understand gentle parenting and doesn’t get him to the right school or activities or care. What if I die and he never remembers me.
- I kept having the image of my tiny newborn baby being dropped by someone else holding him. I kept thinking of his little head hitting the tile and would cringe at the thought of the noise it would make. I don’t think anyone even knew this. Actually I know no one did. I was afraid to let anyone hold him. I was afraid to tell anyone I was afraid to let anyone hold him. I was afraid I would never be able to let anyone hold him and for me to be okay with it.
- I picture myself falling down the stairs and either breaking my back and dying and my son left alone (sometimes in his high chair and sometimes roaming free). What if I died and my son is all alone until his dad comes home.
- Waiting at a cross walk with the baby in a stroller watching cars speed through the intersection thinking I would let go & the stroller would just roll into the intersection.
Thinking I would drop my baby….on concrete, down the stairs, etc. Thinking about getting into an accident while driving that would kill me.
- This is definitely the best time of my life. The Best. Crap if I know why it feels so bad most of the time. I have no doubt I am doing everything wrong. I have no doubt I will be a total disappointment to my child.
- I constantly think my baby is dead when they’re sleeping. I am a nurse and I fear that I will find them dead and have to start CPR only to fail and have them gone forever.
- As a husband of a wife with PPD we now identified, and learning of the #speakthesecret initiative (which I will wholeheartedly advocate), I think of this Bjork song “Hyper-Ballad” that always seemed to me to be written about her experience being a mother to her son.
- I keep thinking about my 3 month old baby being hurt or killed. Sometimes accidental, sometimes intentionally by me. I check her breathing about every hour or two at night. And sometimes the thoughts and urges to hurt her get so strong that I’m changing how I am with her. For example, yesterday I decided to try taking a bath with her to bond and relax. But I kept thinking about drowning her. Just taking her and dunking her and what it’d feel like and would I stop when she flailed. Some voice in my head kept saying ‘try it! Just try it and see what happens!’ I got so scared that we got out of the bath immediately. I’m trying to be open about it with my support people because I think it’ll help. I’m afraid to be alone with her and I’m a single mom so not much choice there.
- I’m so afraid that my mother in law will turn my baby against me some day. When she’s around she acts like he is HER baby. She’s never liked me.
- At the hospital after I delivered my son, I wouldn’t let them take him out of my room because I was afraid I wouldn’t remember his face and he would be switched with another baby. My husband said he had his face memorized. I felt like the worst and only mother who didn’t know her own baby.
- I thought that something unrealistic and out of my control would harm or kill my baby. I had dreams of cars plowing though my wall, or my baby falling into the ocean, or me becoming unhinged and throwing my baby. I stayed awake for days at a time staring at my baby breathing, trying to find some area in our house where I thought no cars could bust through the wall and no tree branches could crash through the roof.
- I would have recurring thoughts that I was going to die while being home alone with my infant son and he would be alone until his father came home from work to find me dead and our son crying. These haven’t gone away in over a year.
- I’m afraid I’ll hurt my baby. Not because I don’t love him, I’m not even a violent person. But I’m tired. Everyday. Tired of rocking, feeding, changing, listening to crying, trying to figure out what’s wrong, trying to fix it…rocking, feeding …. and I’m just tired if it. What if I snap? And hurt my baby?
- My baby seems so happy with everyone and I feel as if she doesn’t love me and she’d be better off with anyone else.
- While pregnant, I dreamt of taking my baby on walks near the water by our house. Once he arrived, one of my most persistent intrusive thoughts was taking him to the waterfront, pushing his stroller in, and walking away. I felt panicked any time I even drove near the water, because I was so scared my body would actually do it. The first time I finally took him for a walk there, at 5 months postpartum, my hands and wrists were sore from gripping the stroller so tightly… fighting the imaginary urge from intrusive thoughts in my brain that my heart could not bear to comprehend.
- I’m scared that the transients in my neighborhood will kidnap or sexually abuse my baby girl.
- When my second child was born, the way I saw my toddler changed. He immediately seemed large and menacing and out to hurt my newborn and all I wanted to do was cast him out and protect my new, vulnerable baby. I had a stressful pregnancy and was worried about being able to bond with my baby but what really happened was I felt like a lost my bond to my older child and that broke my heart.
- I smoke weed. I couldn’t resist anymore and last week I smoked again after struggling to stop during pregnancy. I smoked yesterday and was the only way to quiet the scary thoughts, I am hiding the fact that I had a baby to someone who supports me financially. After 13 days after delivery I am constipated and the stitches are killing me. I have thought about running away and returning to my country with and without my baby.
- I was scared (currently still am) that no matter where I go I could potentially cause harm to my baby. If we went hiking I would be afraid to throw her off the edge. If we went to the zoo what if I threw her in the animal enclosure? These thoughts are crippling! I love my child so much it hurts me everyday to feel this way.
- I know I won’t hurt my baby, but images of me throwing her against the wall violently and her falling down, or a chainsaw cutting her in 2 or a car smashing her skull and others; are an everyday thoughts. I’m tired of fighting them… worst is I can’t express this with no one, not even my husband! Once I had an episode where I was extremely tired and said some things related to hurt the baby, he got in high alert and was afraid to leave me alone because he thought I was able to do it because of my mental state, my lack of sleep and my rage against him! I’m a rookie mom and sometimes I just simple don’t have control!
- After I had my 2nd son, I spiraled into a depression that I could not pull out of. Tbh after a while I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to be a mother. I got irritable and distant, started using drugs again. I all but lost everything I cared about. I started seeing demonic apparitions and very nearly lost my mind. I’m trying to make sense of my hallucinations.
- Mines a little more than just an intrusive thought. After my daughter was born we were up for over 24 hrs. Even then I didn’t fall into a deep sleep until the night after that. However long it was, when I finally did sleep long enough to hit REM cycle, I had the most horrifying nightmare that my baby turned into a demon and I killed her (only to realize I had gone crazy and she was never a demon) After that I insisted on not being alone with her for a day or two. The dream still kind of haunts me.
- I always have the thought of my baby getting cancer. I also have thoughts of me dying and leaving my baby behind. It’s an everyday struggle. I can’t enjoy life.
- My baby is 13 months old and I still bring her to sleep in our room every night. We were separated at birth due to complications and she spent the 1st few days in the NICU, so while I tell everyone that it’s because it’s easier for me, it’s really because I’m terrified that we never had proper attachment and if she doesn’t sleep next to me, she will think I abandoned her.
- When my children are screaming in the car I want to drive full speed into a light pole or into oncoming traffic. The stress is acute and sharp and the thoughts are terrifying. Telling someone I trust helps, but the thoughts are so big and loud sometimes.
- When my daughter was two months old, she rarely ever slept. It didn’t really bother me (or her doctor) until she had kept me up for more than 30 hours. When she wouldn’t sleep, my mind would scream at me that I didn’t actually love her and I would leave her if it was possible. If she cried, I had visions of throwing her against the wall. It scared the hell out of me. I still haven’t told anyone.
- I had constant, intrusive thoughts of other people hurting my daughter. Like of someone ripping her from my arms and throwing her as high up into the air as they could while I helplessly watched her hit the pavement. When I was with her I would be on high alert so sure that someone was going to try to hurt her, and when I was away from her I was certain that something was going to happen to her.I know now that in that state of panic I was at the biggest risk to myself.
When I was away from her I would become so convinced someone would have hurt her and she was gone and that I wasn’t going to live in this world without her that I would feel like I had no other choice but to kill myself. I’d look for a place to jump or I’d take off my seatbelt and plan to crash the car I was in. I viewed the new curtain rod my husband installed in our bedroom as something very sturdy to hang from. The intrusive thoughts were endless and everywhere.I was constantly seeing ways my daughter could die and, not wanting to live without her, would search for ways to end my life. I was terrified that something horrible was going to happen to my daughter and that I would kill myself. Some mothers I know intervened when I told them about the intrusive thoughts I was having. I sought treatment. They followed up to make sure I did. They made me accountable to my health. They supported me. They saved me. I saved me too.
- My child is almost 2, and those intrusive thoughts from the earlier days were mostly gone. Now, someone I know from facebook is having an extreme medical situation with her baby. It seems those intrusive thoughts are resurfacing a bit after I read the posts about her baby’s situation. Early on, my mother mentioned a technique where you say “Cancel” out loud and imagine stamping out those thoughts with a big red X in order to stop yourself from going down that thought path. It works well, and I am using it again. Of interest to me is that seeing another mother’s beyond difficult situation is causing my brain to go into that mode. The thoughts are not even specifically about what her baby is going through. It can be more random like a baby left in a hot car or a child hit by a car. I am sure turning on the news doesn’t help. I assumed a big cause was hormones, and I am still breast feeding so my hormones are certainly still in baby mode. But I am a bit surprised to see the thoughts return even if in a lesser form.
- Being the survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I knew that a lot of the time victims become abusers themselves. Though I knew I would never do what was done to me, this statistic haunted me after my daughter was born. I would cry alone, painful cries, both for my abuse I hadn’t dealt with and for fear for my daughter being in my care. I spoke to NO ONE for fear of them thinking I was a predator in any degree. I would change my daughter’s diapers quickly and after I would hold her close and vow to destroy anyone who ever hurt her. Eventually the fear went away and I felt strong, and so sad for the pain I endured alone. This is my first time really sharing. Thank you for this space.
- I thought becoming a mom was the worst mistake I had ever done. I had two sweet babies and I was terrified of screwing them up. I felt like a complete failure and thought about running away. They deserved so much better than me. My love for them was the only thing that made me stay. Therapy and time helped lift the dark clouds but I still occasionally have those thoughts pop up in my mind and every day is a battle against the anxiety that threatens to crush me.
- It was a chilly, sleepy afternoon, so my husband lit a fire in our fireplace. The living room was cozy, candles were burning, the dog was snoring, and I all I could picture was throwing my newborn into the fire. I couldn’t hold her while walking by the fireplace for months. I wish I could say this was the only place I couldn’t walk by without being plagued by horrible thoughts. Every room in the house contained potential tragedy. The mental pictures repeated themselves as I returned to familiar spots in my house: the bathtub prompted a vision of me drowning her, the bedroom caused me to picture smashing her head against the corner of my nightstand, the elevated back deck made me see an image of throwing her onto the patio below. I was ashamed. I was afraid of being alone with my daughter. Ironically, all I ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom, and now that I finally was one, I was terrified to be home alone with her. I questioned my sanity; I wondered if I was oppressed by a demon; I worried that my thoughts were suppressed, evil desires. Now, after months of therapy (thank you Postpartum Stress Center), medication, and much personal reading on the topic, I wonder why I NEVER heard about intrusive thoughts despite the countless books I’ve read on parenting and moms I have talked to. Intrusive thoughts must be made known.
- I had such manic post partum anxiety immediately after my daughter’s birth, I didn’t sleep at all. I just watched her breathe and ruminated over all the terrible things that could happen to her if I looked away. She’s 2 now, and I’m in a much better space mentally, but I still sleep better with her than without her. I have a constant fear that she will need me and I won’t be there for her.
- My baby is 16 months old and I still have PPD. It was treated with meds for the first 12 months but I felt better so I stopped the meds. Now I don’t know if I’m still better or getting worse again. I still have so much rage and I don’t know why. My husband does one thing different or “wrong” and I can’t keep myself from wanting to tell him what an idiot he is or even slap him across the face. I love my husband so much and he really is an amazing father but I put all of my anger on him because I know he won’t leave me. I can keep myself in check but I know that these feelings aren’t healthy, I don’t really know how to fix it or even if it’s actually an issue. There are days where I just want to run away and only worry about myself for a while. I think about how much my son and my husband rely on me and it fills me with dread. I’m a SAHM and I have this continuous thought of “if I die, who will keep up my son’s routine? Who will cut his nails? I’m the only one that does laundry so if I’m not here it’ll just pile up and nothing will be clean.” I double check everything in regards to my son’s care because no one else does it the way I do it.
- I’m 10 months pp. A month go my hubby revealed to me, that be comming a father has lowered his Self esteem a lot. Ever since I’ve been so worried about his well being that every morning when I open the garage door to take out the pram, I get this image of him, hanging in a noose in the garage.
I always close my eyes when I open now..
- Every time I drop my daughter off at daycare and am sitting at a meeting at work I am unable to leave from, I panic imagining that I actually left her in my car and go through a very vivid scenario where I find her dead in the hot car, flash to paramedics taking her body, DCFS getting called on me for being such a bad mother, and then attending my daughters funeral. I only get relief when I get a daycare update of something like a diaper change, and even then I question whether I dropped her off or forgot her.
- 1. Knives terrified me, I kept thinking what If I kill my baby with that knife. I used to breathe very deeply & focus all my attention to put them into the dishwasher slowly, somehow they felt safer in there. When in the house on my own I would prepare a meal that didn’t involve knives or wait until my partner came home to prepare it so I knew my baby was safe.
2. If I was outside anywhere whatsoever I would be frightened that a dog would come out from nowhere and savage my son. I was terrified just walking down the street & was constantly watching out for dogs or planning what I would do when it came for us.
3. I was terrified of paedophiles snatching my son, if I was in a shop I would obsessively keep my son always in my line of vision so no one could snatch him while I turned away even for a moment. I had played this out so many times & planned how and where I would physically attack them to give us the best chance while I screamed out for help etc.
4. Sleep – everything about sleep scared me to death, I barely slept for a number of reasons after I had him but became so delirious that I would wake my partner repeatedly asking him ‘where’s the baby’ hysterically when I was either holding him or he was in his cot. I was terrified I would lose him in his sleep – either he would stop breathing or he would be stolen or I would forget where I’d put him.
5. The strangest one was an issue I had with chicken. I couldn’t eat chicken for a long time because every time I ate it I thought it was my son. He would always be in the room with us so I would try and get some logic into the situation and stop, look at him and tell myself in my head – this is not your son, you can see him and he’s fine. But I couldn’t eat the chicken. It made my stomach turn.
The above is a taste of my scary thoughts – there were so many I could write a book. I feel that for my first year particularly the first six months I was literally living in fear of me or someone else hurting him. It’s a lot better now he is two years old but the reality is I still have these thoughts from time to time which upsets me and I don’t know what to do about it.
The thoughts did not feel like thoughts – they were played visually in my head – I could see a scene occurring which was vivid in detail, terrible to watch and graphic. It was as if I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder about something that hadn’t actually happened. I felt that I was losing my mind & every single day was very hard. I did seek mental health assistance from a perinatal mental health service we have locally. Although they were good I’m not sure they fully understood how bad I felt – it seemed that they thought I had post natal anxiety & it wasn’t perceived to be that serious. It felt very serious, I contemplated suicide because I felt that I was losing my mind and that my family would be better off without me. The only thing that really stopped me from going further with those thoughts was the risks to my son if I wasn’t there because I knew that only I knew the terrible risks and I had to be there to stop the bad things from happened. It was like a sick twisted vicious circle.
- Baby just wouldn’t go to sleep after hours & hours of trying. I was just so tired, frustrated & annoyed at baby that I just wanted to squeeze him so tight just to vent my frustration.
- My son is 5 and lately I’ve had nothing but intrusive thoughts of him being molested or secretly sexually abused behind my back. Although I keep him safe with trusted adults, I can’t help but think a teacher or a karate instructor or older kid in his karate class is taking advantage of him. I talk to him about his body and what’s his body boundaries and it’s still not enough for me. I’m scared every day I’m going to get a call from the school that he was sexually assaulted. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he says my son is fine and happy. It’s not even an issue with my son now, I think it’s me. I was never molested as a kid or anything but I know so many people around me that were, how did I get so lucky for that to never happen to me? What if I was saved that maybe it’s going to happen to him?! It eats me alive every day. I over analyze his behaviors everyday.
- Every morning I’m scared to open my son’s bedroom door in case he’s dead. I’m never the first to go in. I can’t handle it.
- Constantly feel sorry for my son. Like he’s constantly neglected and unhappy. He’s not. But I can’t stop it. It’s so overwhelming.
- My obsession has been diseases. I was fixated on her vaccines as this year had a particularly large outbreak of measles. I became enraged at every anti-vaccine comment I read. I thought for sure that all of this anxiety would subside once she received her immunizations at a year. It didn’t. Now it’s flu season, and I hate all of the careless people who show up to church with the sniffles, or let their kid who was in the ER a few days before play with all the communal toys.I don’t get why I’m the crazy one for not wanting her to crawl where shoes have tracked in filth from the streets, or hold hands with people who clearly haven’t washed theirs. Don’t. Touch. Her. I carry hand sanitizer and wipes on me – but there’s always that realization in the back of my mind. What if I miss something? Am I placing going to church or on a Target run above my baby’s health?
- Ever since I got pregnant I’ve always had scary thoughts about accidentally killing my baby. He’s 4 months now and I love him so much. I’m so worried I’m going to do something to ruin him and my family and my husband are going to hate me for it. I’ve been paranoid my hair is going to get stuck in his neck folds and choke him, that I’ll get in a crash, that I’ll fall down the stairs with him, etc. No one will ever forgive me.
- I was never close to my step dad and my biological father was never in the picture. My mother has become a horrible mother and grandmother to my siblings’ children over the years and has not even asked about my child. On top of all of the other scary thoughts of him getting sick, not sleeping safe, not eating right, etc, I have horrible thoughts EVERY DAY of him leaving me and hating me when he gets older. As I type this I start to cry because its so heavy on my heart to do right by him or he will leave me and never want to be in my life when he is grown. Sometimes I just sit there and hold him while I bawl and ask him to please never leave momma. He is my everything and I just need to make sure I raise him right so that he at least calls me every now and again when he is grown. Thank you for everything you do to help new mothers. Reading some of these were almost as helpful as my actual therapy sessions!
- My daughters crying still makes me mad, a year later. I lost my young adulthood to getting pregnant and raising a baby alone. I love her but not like a mom should. I miss being carefree. Having a baby at 20 was not in my plans and I still regret it. My family is so amazed by her but I am repulsed. Parenting is not for me. I’m pretty sure I have PPD/PPA due to her birth and health issues. Obsessive and intrusive thoughts are very controlling and make me hate my life and baby. Why did I keep her?
- Being a mother changed me. I’m not the same person toward my husband that I used to be. I’m irritable, I snap at everything, I’m always anxious and I’m extremely jealous and accuse him of everything for no reason, and I think it’s because now that I’ve quit my job to stay at home, if I lost him I would lose everything. I’m always on edge, I gained weight months later(I weighed less while I was pregnant)so what if he stops wanting me or finding me attractive? Or what if he meets someone at work while I am at home? What’s worse than always feeling this way and fighting with myself to try to change back to how I was?
The fact that he doesn’t want to have another baby because I changed.
- I’ve been having a really hard time with scary thoughts lately. I’m a first time mom with a fiancé who works grave and lives in a townhouse where any noise sounds like it’s coming from your place. My son is one now but when he was first born I used to lose sleep thinking that he was going to die in the middle of the night if I didn’t keep a watch on him thanks to SIDS but it went away once he started sleeping with us. Now I’m starting to have intrusive thoughts over someone trying to break in and harming my child. I need help I haven’t slept in days.
- I felt that because I/we couldn’t make breastfeeding work, I wasn’t special and anyone could be his mother. Upsetting after all the hard work to get him here.
- I didn’t want to have kids and now he is here, I’m not sure it was the right choice.
- We had feeding difficulties at the start and he lost weight. One day he was sleeping and I looked down and thought “he’ll look like this dead, I’m getting a preview of my dead baby”
- Ever since we moved to the same state most of my husband’s siblings, every time we see his sister makes fast snide comments about how I wasn’t feeding my baby fast enough or my baby is much happier being held by my husband. Everytime she says something like that I just want to throw myself out the window. (She doesn’t have any kids yet) We also told my MIL that we probably only want 2 kids total but she keeps saying I need to have more because I’ll feel different after each one. I specifically do not want to do that in fear of my post partum depression /anxiety /rage from getting worse. Other family members keep telling me to start having kids. My baby is only 9 months and I don’t want another baby every time someone brings it up I want to run away hopefully get hit by a car in the process.
- With all 3 of my kids I was always so scared to hold them when walking near an open railing or on second floor on the mall thinking if they wiggle or climb they would fall over.
- I am getting thoughts like killing my child hurting him for no reason other scary thoughts like he get worst health issues I am trying to reduce these thoughts these thoughts making me very bad mother I scared of hurting him.
- Almost every night I worry that someone will try to break in and murder us. I’m worried that I won’t be able to get to my baby. That even if I get her out of the house, no one will notice her and she’ll freeze . With my husband deployed, there is no one who would come looking for us for days/weeks. I know that it’s unlikely, but it doesn’t stop me from pushing things against the doors , so they’ll make sounds if opened.
- My mom died last year, and I am so worried I will be like her. Overweight, sick, depressed and have no love of life. I don’t want my child to have the same childhood as mine. I want to be better, but yet I am struggling to be better. There is no guide to help you navigate grief and regret while raising a child.
- I got my IUD put in and during the process as soon as the first “cramp” happened all I could remember we’re contractions and how bad my c section scar hurt (I’m still recovering from it). When I got home all I could do was cry and I didn’t want to touch my daughter because if I didn’t have to give birth I would still have feeling in my abdomen and maybe we didn’t have to worry about an IUD just yet.
- I’m scared that someone will take my baby, and hurt it. I have been watching a lot of crime shows. Maybe I should lay off of them for a while.
- My mom passed away in Feb when I was 5 months pregnant. Everyone told me that I had to hold in everything or else it would harm my baby. So tried my best to hide all the pain in me so I wouldn’t harm my baby. I gave birth in June. 4 months later I find myself hurting, feeling lost and so much more. I always saw my mom meeting my baby and reaching out to her when ever I needed help but now she is gone. All the pain I had to hide is now coming up and I am missing my mom so much. I found out my dad started dating a new lady 4 months after my mom passed away. I feel so much anger and pain, like how? why so fast?. I also went back to work last month, ever since I feel so distant from my baby. Family members are always asking me why did I go back to work, that my baby needs me . When I am at work I feel okay but when I get home I feel so sad and distant from my baby. Half of me wants to keep working, the other half wants to stay at home with my baby. I don’t know what to do. I am also having big arguments with my boyfriend. There has been moments that we almost break up. Holidays are coming up, first thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years without my mom, I feel so much pain. But I need to be strong because it will be my first holidays with my daughter but my grief is overcoming me. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like so much is going on around me and I am just going day by day. Some days everything gets to me and I just can’t take it.
- My son was born 5 weeks early. After delivery I started hemorrhaging, lost 3 liters of blood and almost died. We spent a week apart in different hospitals recovering. Years ago my husband was hurt on the job and suffers from CRPS. Before the baby, I took care of him and everything else in the house. Now I have the stresses of a baby on top of everything else.When my son cries and cries and cries, I scream and tell him to shut up. I imagine hurting him just so I can have some peace and quiet. Many times I wish that I should have died so that I don’t have to suffer anymore. Or I have thoughts about killing myself. I am fearful that I will give into my thoughts.My son means the world to me and I would never hurt him. I know I’m suffering from PPD and I’m working with my therapist on my negative thoughts.
- For some strange reason I think of the worst scenarios. I’m scared to go to sleep because I’m afraid there might be a fire in the middle of the night and my baby will burn alive and just the thought of hearing him scream in pain just makes me pour the tears. Or someone will come into my house and kidnap him and kill me and my husband or leave one of us alive but kill the other and the baby. My baby is 8mo…..
- Thank you so much because I had no idea that what I was going through was intrusive thoughts/anxiety. I imagined pushing her in the stroller into the lake. I was terrified she would stop breathing at any second. I was too terrified to let her sleep alone but with her in our bed I would panic we would roll over on her and suffocate her. I fear I will forget her in the car and she was die. I have had intrusive thoughts I sexually molest her or my husband did. We lived on a second floor and anytime he took her out on the porch I had intense fear she would fly over the edge. or at the mall she would fly over the edge.
- I’m scared I’ll have a seizure while driving and kill someone then I’ll end up spending my life in jail away from my baby.
- I kiss my baby goodnight and tell her I love her cause I’m so frightened I won’t see her again and won’t wake up.
- When my newborn wont stop crying sometimes i want to throw her against the wall or strangle her. Anyone else?
- I have a recurring thought tied to PSTD of losing our dog in accident- long story short- he jumped off the utility vehicle I was driving and his leash got tangled up in the wheels. Only now instead of picturing the image of our dog, my mind has replaced it with our 3 month old daughter. I’m terrified of leaving the house with her now because of it.
- I have thoughts of jumping off a bridge into freeway traffic or stabbing myself with a knife or driving off the road. I feel like my family would be better off without me and I should just leave. I have insane thoughts of stabbing my daughter with a knife and would never hurt her and am so overly disturbed and disgusted with my mind to even think that. I’m afraid if I tell anyone I’ll have her taken away.
- Even though my brother is a good incredible person, I trust him 100%, and have absolutely no reason to think this, I can’t stop thinking that he will, or has, sexually abused my baby when babysitting. I am panicked about it. I am freaked out that someone I trust will harm my baby in this way.
- My husband keeps falling asleep with the baby on his chest at night. I know she is going to get smothered. He says he won’t roll and he is a very still sleeper but I just know she is going to die if he keeps doing this. Every time I wake up and this happens, my heart sinks and I feel pure terror and panic. Please God, keep my baby alive, please don’t let her get smothered, please please please.
- For the first few months of my first baby’s life, nearly every time my husband/his father changed his diaper I barged in because I was terrified my husband would molest him. A completely irrational fear that paralyzed me.
- When my daughter was born I lived on the second floor of a building and always thought somehow I would trip and throw her out the window. I’d always keep the windows locked so that it couldn’t happen. I would never let a window be open if I was holding her.
- I have an amazing support system.. my village is helpful in everyway and is very understanding about my Postpartum depression.. but I still think the only reason they tell me I’m a good mom is because noone would tell someone struggling with postpartum that they really are a bad mom…
- I check that my baby is breathing 5-6 times before I go to bed. She is sleeping in a bassinet next to our bed and my husband gets annoyed that I’m “not just going to sleep.” I’m scared I’m going to wake up and she won’t be breathing.
- Actually I am living away from my 9 month old son due to my job.for better care n attention he is living with his grandparents n they are taking good care of him. But usually one scary thought cms in my mind that if something bad happens in my in laws house n my child left unattended while night n he will cry alone no one around thn what will happen to my child how I would know …..like this. It’s disturbing
- Please God don’t take my baby away. My cousin who was 18 died two years ago on her birthday of cancer. Is this a sign? I’m so scared all the time. I know you love me but I’m so scared all the time.
- Sometimes I completely regret having a baby. I am young and so is my boyfriend. I am a stay at home mom with ppd and he works. I have no friends after being pregnant and he has all his friends. I don’t leave the house and he goes out to drink on the weekends. I’m home with a crying baby all night. He stumbles in drunk at 5AM. I stay up alone crying and he sleeps without a worry. I have no life and he still has his. I hate it. I never would have had a baby if I knew it was going to be like this.
- I need to be awake so I can hear my baby breathing and watch his chest rise and fall. If I fall asleep he will stop breathing and it will be my fault because I wasn’t watching.
- I thought about hitting my baby for crying
- I was expecting love at first sight. Instead I felt traumatized by the birth and almost nothing toward the baby. As the days in the hospital went on I felt tension and stress as my baby cried and cried and had trouble feeding. When we got home I started to feel anger and resentment toward the baby who just kept crying and wanting to feed as my breasts became more and more painful though the milk wasn’t flowing. I felt floods of regret as I woke at night, thinking that I would never be able to take care of my own needs again. My body felt completely broken and I found no joy in my new role as a mother. The cloud eventually lifted and I do now find joy in motherhood, but I am reflecting on that painful time as my daughter is about to turn one year old.
- I didn’t grow up with nice parents, and didn’t have a lot of love. I am so scared I won’t love my daughter. I struggle so hard to feel that love, and have scary thoughts of just leaving her to cry in her crib all day because I just do not care. It never actually happens, but I feel so sick of being a mom sometimes. I don’t want her to feel the way I felt but I don’t know how to love.
- As I’m standing on this sidewalk waiting for the cars to stop at some point a thought in my head appears, what if a car just plowed into me and I died… I wouldn’t of killed myself but someone else did and my kids would hate them and not me. The light changed and I go on my way to pick up my wonderful kids that think mom is perfectly fine.
- My 22 month old daughter passed away 4 years ago, Ive had two more kids after that. Everyday I feel like I am going to fail them like I did my first. I think I’m going to wake up to a dead child. I am going to come back from work and something will happen.
- It is very hard to enjoy my children. I am a first time mom of twins. PPD has made it almost impossible to enjoy any time around them. I feel like I don’t like them and I would be better off if I wasn’t around them, but then at the same time I feel so guilty that I’m not able to spend great times with them. I feel so jealous of my husband and the great bond he shares with them.
- For many years I prayed to have children. I thought I had it all. A beautiful home, a nice car, and a handsome husband that was an excellent provider, but a really bad partner or boyfriend. During my 15 years of marriage, he was rarely around. I wanted children desperately, but after 3 miscarriages and many rounds of infertility treatments it didn’t happen for us. My last 3 years of marriage were the darkest in my life. I was in a very dark place and I didn’t care if I lived or died. My husband wouldn’t even touch me, and I just stopped caring about our marriage. I hate myself and and the constant thoughts in my head. I’m at war with myself everyday.
- I’ve been having these horrible thoughts lately that something is really wrong with my child. On the inside, like maybe a tumour or he has a undiagnosed deadly disease or something. No symptoms of anything wrong at all. Just this irrational thought I’ve missed something in his behaviour and it’s going to be too late by the time they figure out what’s wrong at the hosptial. I constantly catch myself thinking too far into his tantrums and thinking he’s in pain or this is it….
- My scary thought is I will die while my husband is at work. And my toddler and baby will end up dead as no one will be around to look after them. No one will know I am dead. And they will be so scared. The thought of my kids alone in a room while I am dead trying to wake me up scares me.
- Toward the end of my pregnancy, I kept thinking, and occasionally saying, “everyone I love is going to die, and I’m going to be alone.” It got worse and I would sob because everyone I love is dying.
- Sometimes I’m afraid I only like my baby when she is sleeping.
- I’m still in the hospital and rape is my BIGGEST fear for myself and my children I had dreams that someone raped my older daughter and now I just had my second daughter, not even a week old and I’m already having images of someone raping her! And all I can hear is her screaming in pain ! I hate this ! It’s crazy cause idk where the hell this is coming from! I want it to stop I pray it stops. Hopefully when I leave the hospital and go home to my family and life it will pass on and go away.
- That when I go for a walk with my babies, I’ll accidentally let go somehow and the stroller will roll into traffic or that someone will try to steal them from me to sell into sex trafficking.
- After becoming a mom for the second time, I don’t think I’m good enough for my children. I feel that I’m a bad mother if I go to work, but my husband goes to work and he’s a great father.
- I resent my husband for making me a mom. I’m not being the mom my son deserves because I never wanted to be a mom in the first place. I want to run away every single day.
- I had my first intrusive thought when my son was 1 week old. On a walk I vividly imagined myself throwing him and his car seat into the river. Now he’s nine months and I have very vivid thoughts of strangling him or snapping his neck when he is breastfeeding. These thoughts scare me and I feel like a terrible person and mother because of them.
- I’m so angry and disappointed about my C-section. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am I didn’t have to give birth vaginally and all I can do is sit quiet and scream inside. It was not the easy way out. The drugs made me feel disconnected from my baby. When I held her I felt nothing. I was so scared that we would never bond. I thought I was broken and bad because I didn’t feel connected to her immediately, the way everyone said I would.
- I keep thinking about the different stories of babies being killed such as nazi soldiers using them as target practice and African tribes raping them, and I cant help imagine my daughter in these horrible situations or other babies and I get upsey and start crying and become angry and wish that all people that hurt babies like that would just die in horrible ways.
- I’m scared that my daughter’s estranged father will steal her from school and take her to another country.
- My son is 2.5 and the scary thoughts haven’t gone away. When I leave for work I’m terrified I’ll get a call that something awful happened and I wasn’t there to prevent it or that I’ll be in a tragic car accident leaving my family uncared for for. Now I’m pregnant again and worried that these thoughts will literally suffocate me when #2 is born.
- After I had my second baby I started to feel terrified about how I would keep both of my children safe. I would have horrible intrusive thoughts about situations where I would have to choose which one of them to save. I just had my third baby and those thoughts have come back. Even with therapy that has helped alot, I’m still so scared. I feel as if it’s impossible that I will be able to keep all of my babies alive. It is killing my dream of having a big family because I feel as if with each child I have the risk of losing one of them grows. Sometimes I sit up at night because I feel like I can’t go to sleep incase something were to happen. I never had anxiety before children. I sometimes feel like I must be crazy. They never warn you about this in the parenting books.
- I had postpartum OCD. I didn’t know that was a thing. For the first 4 weeks of my baby’s life I was terrified to put her onesie on over her head because I had this intrusive thought of her head flopping everywhere! The worst was my intrusive thought of accidentally shaking her because my anxiety started to dwell on it and start asking “could I do it? would I do that? Am I bad for it popping into my head?!” The thought that lingers still (even though I’m on month 4 of meds now) is this thought that I will brush her soft spot too hard and the brush will make this indent. Most of the other thoughts have faded with treatment. The ones that linger are mostly valid concerns just amplified… Like a loony toons cartoon for the worst possible case. I can laugh at it now but pretty much the first 2 months was my husband picking me up off the floor and me crying wanting the anxiety and terror to stop. — for all the moms struggling with it, it does get better. We are not our thoughts. —
- Sometimes my imagination wanders when I’m out with my toddler and every little thing seems life threatening to her. It makes me so anxious and sometimes I well up. I have to keep her safe. I must. She is my heart.
- For months after my baby was born I used to feel so anxious everytime we would drive somewhere, I thought she was going to suffocate in her car-seat somehow and I had a crappy car-seat mirror so would constantly stop and check her.
- I felt guilty for having my son. I felt horrible knowing he’d live in a world where he would inevitably feel sadness, loss, loneliness, and suffer to some degree as part of life. I wished he’d never been born to protect him from that. It all felt too big and overwhelming and I felt alone and helpless to protect him.
- I can’t stop thinking there are so many evil people outside and I’m so scared my baby will get hurt by those people or even get KILLED…
- I have fleeting intrusive thoughts that I’ll grab my baby by his ankles and hit his head off the coffee table, that I’ll throw him in the fire, that I’ll accelerate off a cliff with him. I wouldn’t in a million years ever do these things, I love him beyond belief and would do anything to protect him. I’m terrified of going to the doctor and seeking help in case I’m seen as not fit. I have a childhood history of compulsive behaviors which I grew out of I have a feeling this has been exasperated by pregnancy.
- Anytime I watch a show or movie and a baby dies or is killed I cry uncontrollably and think about how I could not survive if my son died. I can visualize the dead baby on the tv screen is my kid and I’m not sure how to deal with it, I used to love crime series but now the episodes with children are devastating to watch on a whole new level.
- When my baby wouldn’t stop uncontrollably crying, I would have thoughts of dropping her or throwing her against the wall. Thoughts of shaking her or dropping her down to stairs just to make her stop! I thought I had went insane.. I didn’t realize how normal this actually was.
- I thought these feelings would go away eventually, but I’m one of the ones who still struggles several years later.
- i see all moms do good things for their baby on social media..and iam not like them.I dont know how to play with my baby as iam always tired.. my life is terribly boring…my baby isnt eating at 7 months as he should like all babies . Iam fearing that she wouldnt like healthy food in future.My baby int sleeping through the night at 7 months.She wakes up so many times and i cant understand what she wants .. my baby isnt sleep trained…i didnt breastfeed my baby as i didnt have the right education about breastfeeding And that made me depressed So many months
- With my first I never experienced the kind of depression I am dealing with, with my second. If you can think of a problem that a baby could have, he had it. For weeks on end he was inconsolable. I often pictured myself holding him against my breast while he was feeding, suffocating him while cried. Often thinking how long would it take for him to pass out, would it cause brain damage, but how quiet it could be.
The worste was this past Christmas when he was really pushing me to my limits – while bathing him I clearly pictured myself holding his body under water just to end it all. This was the tipping point for me and I realized it was time to find professional help.. I’m still scared of myself
- I feel like holding his neck tightly and see his dying act
- I’m so terrified I’m gonna end up hurting my child… When she legit screams at the top of her lungs for no reason. I get annoyed so easily with things that I know she can’t control. Am I horrible person or mom?
- If I’m not in her face playing with her and talking to her she is going to delay developmentally and never trust me.
- I feel like when I tuck my baby in , imma find him not breathing because the blanket got in his face and I’m such a deep sleeper I wouldn’t be able to hear him
- I was so adamant about staying home from work as long as I wanted. This is my third and last child and I didn’t want to miss anything. These past two months I have felt stressed, angry, exhausted and short tempered. Worst of all I feel useless and have felt regret about my choice to step down from my job. I love my children but I don’t like my day-to-day life. I am so incredibly lonely.
- I was on the ninth floor of a hospital parking garage walking around the car soothing my baby while waiting for my husband to get back to the car. I pictured my baby falling down the past the railing to the bottom and was so terrified I had to get back in the car. My heart was racing and my thoughts were fast. Even though he was safely strapped into the carrier and I was more than ten feet away from the railing.
- Every time someone else holds my baby I’m scared they’re going to do something wrong and he’s going to get hurt. And I feel like it will be my fault for not holding him myself.
- With my first, I had problems with connecting with him as a mother. I was his care taker, but I didn’t feel connected. I was also distant and depressed which lead to me having scary thoughts. I got lucky and had a great maternal instinct that drove me to be a great mother and eventually that connection happened way later. I’m pregnant with my second, what if that happens again? What if this robs me of my connection to both kids? What if I can’t handle two? I just started learning to not be an angry mom and just began getting good at consistency with my toddler, how will I ever manage a baby on top of it all?
- Until my baby was about 8 weeks old, I regreted becoming a mother. I even told my husband that my child ruined our lives. I have DEEP regrets about this. I wish I could relive those 8 weeks and love my baby the way she deserved to be love. I am so jealous of mom who instantly love motherhood.
- I had just turned 17 when I had my son. My postpartum depression overwhelmed me for months. I would get so angry at my baby for crying. I was angry that I had to take care of this infant when I still needed to be taken care of. I imagined throwing him across the room or smothering him with his blanket. I didn’t want to do it. Not really. I was horrified by my own thoughts. I never got therapy because my mom didnt believe me.
- With my first, I lost myself at the moment she was born. There was no magical feeling. I was simply tired. For months, I suffered the worst and darkest depression of my life. I hated her for changing me, for taking away the best parts of me and the happiest parts of my life. Everything good in my world was gone and I thought I was doomed to live this soulless, empty existence. Through help, support, and the extraordinarily luckiness or having a husband who wouldn’t stop fighting for me when I wouldn’t fight for myself, I got better. I stopped breastfeeding (best thing ever and should not have “but it’s so selfish”-ed myself into continuing for so long), and I accepted that I wasn’t someone who loved the baby stage. When the second one came along, it took all of my strength to ask for the things I knew I needed. I chose not to breastfeed. My husband took the night shift most nights. I went back to work 12 weeks later. I said – OUT LOUD – to EVERYONE – that THIS SUCKS and I do not like babies. But I do like being a mom. Took three years to get there with my first, and she’s an amazing little lady. I know my son will be an awesome little man too – not in spite of my PPD, but because I put my health at the top of the priority list. I spoke my secret to everyone who had ears. And it’s not a secret anymore.
- My baby just turned 6 months a couple days ago. I came across an Instagram of a baby that passed at 2 due to AML, a form of leukemia, I can’t stop thinking what if that happens to me. I thought I was over the scary thoughts I can’t with myself at the moment I have woken up my daughter and I can’t stop hugging her and I also now feel like such a bad mom for waking her.
- Whenever I drive with my baby I feel like we are going to get into a car accident. It’s not so much a fear but a fact; we WILL get into an accident. I constantly find myself bracing and holding my breath while driving. The scenarios play out in my head until we get to our destination.
- Sleep deprived and sore from a third degree tear, I often pictured myself throwing my baby across the room when he wouldn’t stop scream-crying. I also envisioned myself getting into my car without the baby and driving full speed into a wall. I eventually spoke to my doctor and got a prescription for antidepressants. I no longer have these images haunting me.
- I’m trying to let baby and dad bond… but baby screams bloody murder when he is held by him. Baby is 4 months old so this is not a new thing for either of them. I keep being told that I need to let them have space to bond and figure it out but it causes so much stress and depression to hear and see it happen. I feel like I’m letting my baby be harmed. But it’s his dad who is a loving awesome guy. I’ve tired to help them along but being close or totally away or coaching dad on what works… I’m so confused and feel helpless in this balance.
- I wondered how long can I safely leave the baby unattended before my husband comes home while I kill myself and how could I accomplish this in such a short amount of time.
- It was the first night alone with my baby and she wouldn’t stop crying after her bottle. As I held her, trying to soothe her, I also cried along with her. I contemplated packing all her necessities in her diaper bag and in her stroller and dropping her off at the fire station across the street. I was so tired and just wanted her to stop crying. When my husband got home from work I handed her to him and told him that I wanted to give her up, he was furious at me, but he could never understand what I felt that night because he has never been alone with her for over 24 hours running on none or maybe a hour or two if sleep. I feel shame and like a failure when I remember that night. I feel like a loving mother should never have thoughts like it did. I still cry when I think about how I felt that night.
- She doesn’t deserve me as a mom. I am so afraid I’m going to fuck her up emotionally like my mother did.
- I’m a SAHM because I’m scared of putting my son in anyone’s care. I won’t let him be alone with ANYONE except his Dad..our families dont agree and think we are overprotective and paranoid.
- I just knew that my mother-in-law was going to kidnap my infant or try to steal custody. She had a way of obsessively staring at him that still sends chills up my spine. Even to this day(2 years later), I can’t even be in the same room with her or I get visions of her kidnapping my child.
- I read about a flash flood that happened and how a mother tried to save her two babies but the flood ripped them away from her. I cannot stop thinking about my two babies and how I could save them. It is stressing me out so much.
- I’m scared my baby will be stolen while my mother in law watches him and takes him places.
- I constantly think that CPS is going to take her from me because I have Bipolar disorder type 1. I’m always convinced they will walk into my home and tell me I failed and I will never see her again. I feel like my partner would also blame me the same way and tell me I never deserved to have her.
- I so heavily resent my baby every night at bedtime it starts to feel like hate. I want to ask my husband to put him to bed sometimes so I can have some space but Every time he even tries, I end up having to do it anyway and then I’m mad at my husband too for not just pushing through the unfamiliarity and finding a way to make it work.
- Sometimes I wanna run away of my child’s oom. Just with my bag. Nothing more. Maybe after I breastfeed my son at night, in silence. I am very scared with the “forever” that motherhood means. I dont know who I am anymore.
- She was unplanned and when I was pregnant I was so scared I wouldn’t love her. Now she’s here I do love her immensely but the foreverness of motherhood terrifies me and I’m scared I’ll stop loving her.
- I was scared of people spitting on my baby in public. I’ve never seen that happen…but it was a huge fear of mine. I would make sure that I was walking fast enough that people couldn’t stop me to admire her.
- I had many scary thoughts, the dog attacking her, SIDS, germs, knives in the kitchen falling from counters, me peeling off her skin (avoid doctor shows pp)…once they started to consume me I got help and it made all the difference.
- I have crazy internal rage for people that belittle what mothers do and don’t stop to ask how you’re truly doing. I get extremely mad at people for assuming that I’m ok because I look ok while I’m completely drowning with PPD, PPA and body image issues.
- I still get anxiety about something happening to my baby. What if I go to the store alone with her and someone steals her and tries to sell her? What if I give her a chip to snack on and she chokes? What if she has a stuffy nose and ends up not breathing when she sleeps….and all anyone can ever tell me is to calm down, she will be “ok.” It makes me want to cry. I didn’t know being a mother could be so hard.
- I hate breastfeeding. Hate it with passion. I only do it because it’s free & formula is so expensive, nothing else. Sometimes when people hand my son to me because “he’s hungry” (he’s not, he’s just being a baby, & babies cry), I shove him my boobs out of frustration to the extent that he slightly gasp for air. Nothing too long to harm him, but enough to make him cry louder. I just hate breastfeeding.
- Every time he is quiet, and I am about to fall asleep, I think “what if he’s died? what if he’s dead and I’m just peacefully falling asleep? what if he’s NOT, but he’s dying and I choose to fall asleep rather than check on him? what kind of mother can just ‘go to sleep’?”
- My rage. It terrifies me, because it’s always the smallest things (like tripping on a toy or the sound of crying) that set me off. I’m scared one day it’ll blind me completely and I’ll hurt my baby..it scares me because my baby is the greatest miracle in my life. I dont want him to be afraid of me because of my rage.
- I fantasize a lot while I’m driving of me hitting the gas and not letting go until I hit something. I also think about just putting the baby down and leaving him. I love him so much and it saddens me to feel like this.
- I was scared I was going to fall forwards down the stairs when carrying her and land on her at the bottom, or I would picture myself just letting go of her on the stairs and have an image of her at the bottom. Both were equally as terrifying because I would never do anything to hurt her, it just seemed like such a huge distance for such a tiny baby.
- Any time I ever held a baby (a sibling, a cousin) I was always gripped by the intrusive thought of hurting them. Throwing them over a balcony, out a window. Whacking their head on a ledge. I have two daughter’s, for the first month with my oldest I was terrified to even go out on our porch with her. I am a mom people are impressed by. People ask me for advice all the time. I had two natrual births. Aced my second babies NICU time. I breastfeed and I genuinely love it. It’s natrual to me. I like nothing more than to lay with my girls and read to them and snuggle them. I am calm and I am patient. And I am filled with terrifying intrusive thoughts #speakthesecret
- I was scared my severe sleep deprivation would cause me to drop or harm my baby, or fall asleep and on her. How am I meant to look after my baby on 2 hours of sleep? She would only scream if we put her down to sleep “safely”. What other option did I have but to let her sleep on me all night while I desperately tried to stay awake until the sun rose? “This too shall pass” doesn’t help when it feels like your new forever, and you’re awake for all of it.
- I regret to have you. Sorry, but this was you father’s dream, not mine. I developed my life to be free and independent woman. This motherhood put me as a prisoner. I can’t take this! When my life will back?
- I am feel like I’m a failure everyday. I am a mother to a 10 week old, I still haven’t healed. I still have an infection, I am terrified it’s my fault. I’m terrified that my baby will be damaged from all of the antibiotics I need to take.
- Everyday I feel like a bad mother. Everyday I feel like I have failed the most precious person in my life by not being able to get better.
I wonder if dad and baby would be better off without me.
- I often envision horrible things happening to both of my children. Terrible accidents where they die. Someone else wrote that they often envision throwing their baby on the floor and I picture that happening too when I’m frustrated and he won’t stop crying. Or slamming his head against something. It makes me sick to my stomach because I love both my kids so much it hurts.
- I don’t think anyone relates to me. At 9 weeks pregnant I found out I was having a boy and was devastated. I cried so often. I carry a brave face but my son is 17 months old and I still have gender disappointment. I can’t stand when anyone refers to him as “oh he’s such a boy” or eludes to his future wife or girlfriend. I love him but I don’t think I’ll ever get over this feeling.
- I am so excited to be a mother and hold my baby girl in my arms, but every day all I can think about is ending my life and hers before I can get that chance.
- I’m scared of letting anyone else watch her. She’s under 1 still and I’m so paranoid about her getting sick, getting hurt, or anything happening that I don’t know about. She hasn’t been sick yet and I know that when it happens I’ll be a nervous wreck.
- Today when I was at the mall I heard someone walking behind me very loudly. I could feel their energy. I looked back to see an angry looking woman. I imagined her grabbing my baby from my arms and throwing her off the second floor. I keep imagining it over and over again. In the moment I held on to my baby so tightly. She probably felt uncomfortable.
- Every time I’m cooking and I’m wearing my baby, I envision her falling into the oven. Whenever I get into the car I visualize is getting into a car accident and I’m unable to get the baby out of the carseat and then she’s stuck in the car when it bursts into flames. When walking through my house holding her I think I’m going to wack her head on the door frames. That she’ll stop breathing or die of SIDS.
- I was disappointed after the birth of my third baby. I wanted a third boy but we had a girl. My whole pregnancy people remarked ” I hope you get your girl” . Now people say “you finally got your girl” or “you can stop having them now” as if I had only fallen pregnant each time in the aim of getting a girl or that I ought to stop having kids now. I never know what to say to these people.
- That I am permanently ruining my children and that my anger will make them horrible adults later in life.
- In the first week I felt like “ if he dies tonight, i would fine with it”. I immediately knew something was wrong and seeked help. Now 7 months later my biggest fear is him dying. Everything I see is a potential death, multiple times a day…
- I don’t know why but I cannot stand hearing my baby cry. Now two years old and I still cannot stand it. the tantrums, the whining. I get so mad I need to step away sometimes. my husband does not understand and I’m sure he thinks I’m an unfit mother he’s mentioned something like that before. I’ve been a stay at home mom since he was born. I had PPD (untreated) pretty bad the first year or so, and I have gotten a lot better on my own but somehow I still can’t stand to hear the crying. I hate it. I get so angry and frustrated. Sometimes I think I AM an unfit mother and sometimes I wonder if ppd ever really goes away?
- I always wanted more than one child. But I got pregnant much quicker than expected the second time around and while I love my daughter, I’ve been suffering since being pregnant because of the financial debt we’re now in and can’t find a way out of. I’m always thinking how nice it would be to just have one child and not be stressed out all the time. I hate the person I’ve become because of the stress and strain the debt puts on my marriage.
- Reading news articles about murderous parents doing these horrible things to their babies. Or anyone harming children in general. Our little ones are completely defenseless. What thoughts the children must they be thinking. And these horrible thoughts come that these people would do this to my own children. I really dislike my imagination sometimes. I have to avoid reading or hearing news stories like this because I can’t sleep and just get so upset about this. Having OCD and anxiety just makes it worse because it takes a while to get it out of my head.
- After having my first child I said ‘absolutely never again.’ Then birth control failed and I got pregnant. I suggested to my partner we could consider termination. He wouldn’t hear of it and I knew further talk of it would risk the relationship. The whole pregnancy I wished for miscarriage so it wouldn’t be my fault. I feel like a monster. Like, on some level my child knows about these thoughts. My life is ruined. My dreams are dying, and I am either stuck with this man forever or the guilt of splitting up. It feels like a lose-lose. I am starting to hate and dread my life.
- My son never took to breastfeeding so I have been pumping around the clock to ensure he still gets breastmilk exclusively. I felt so rejected by my own baby that for a period I was worried we brought the wrong baby home from the hospital, despite the fact that he looks exactly like my husband.
- My oldest is almost 15. It has taken me all these years to learn about this. The shame and guilt I have carried are tremendous. When she was a newborn, I loved her with a wild abandon as I have never felt before or sense. Such protectiveness and tenderness. And then, 3 or 4 times, out of nowhere, came the TERRIBLE, UNSPEAKABLE RAGE and along with it, the image of throwing her forcibly out of my 2nd story bedroom window, and watching her tiny body smash on the gravel below, dead. It seems like Grace stayed my hands, because I alone could not have. Maybe now I can start to let it go.
- I think about leaving her at the hospital or a fire station. I think about getting into accidents all the time. I think about leaving my family. I feel awful.
- Sometimes I worry that I’ve lost myself. I love my child with everything in me, but it took me a long time to even like being a mother. I hope I’m doing everything in my power for her to thrive and strive in this world. It doesn’t help that since a had my little one my feelings towards my husband changed too. Many days I hate him and dont want to be in the relationship anymore. I dont know what to do but I stay for her. And more of me is lost in the process…
- I wouldn’t mind leaving my baby behind with her worthless father to FINALLY be free from this waste of time and energy… I am wasting away the remaining best years of my life for what? By the time I can get back to MY life I’ll be too old to do half the shit I want to do right now but can’t with this family in my way. I don’t even feel bad for having these thoughts. They get me through every day. Make my dream come true, ANYONE.
- Having a baby with someone that doesn’t love me and will never love me is the most heartbreaking thing I’ve experienced. I am so depressed sometimes I wished I could just die.
- It’s been almost 5 years and I still have long stretches of time where I hate motherhood. I hate that I have to tell my child 16 times to do something. I hate that when they crawl in my bed at night they sleep sideways, kicking and pushing on me I hate how they refuse to sit still at bedtime and don’t understand why I’m always so tired. I hate that they want to wrestle because it hurts. I truly dislike it. I always end up kicked or hit in the face or nipples and then I’m angry and guilty. I hate that I’m eager for these phases to end because I know I’m not appreciating them and I hate that I’m not better at this. I hate that I hate motherhood after all this time.
- I couldnt get the image of me cutting my baby’s throat with a kitchen knife out of my head. I saw myself walking while holding a dripping bloody knife. I thought i would end up in a psych home. I didn’t know who i was. The images kept intruding. I couldn’t shake them. After days of crying at the drop of a dime i finally told my husband. Thank God i did. He helped me get to a psychologist and talk through this trauma which helped tremendously. My daughter is now 1 and i am a great mom! Everytime i had that image flash in my head i remembered this Bible verse “The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them…” I pictured God literally hovering over us, wings expanded, protecting my daughter and me.
- I’m married, with a 13 month old little girl whom I love very much. But I’ve screamed at her to shut up multiple times when I couldn’t take her whining/crying anymore. It sickens me. I’ve yelled in her face. I’ve thrown her food at the wall when she shoved it away. I’ve thrown her stuffed animal at her while she shrieked in her crib. I’ve never actually hurt her…but my god I’ve pictured it so many times, immediately followed by intense self disgust. I’ve shut off the baby monitor when she cries at night without remembering doing so in the morning. I have a mental list of things I would need to do before committing suicide ie. donating my clothing and personal belongings, writing out instructions for my husband about bill paying, organizing my house…I feel that my daughter knows I’m an unfit mother, that I am fat and unattractive, that I have no skills and she would be better off in the care of my husband’s mother. I imagine dying in an accident or killing myself and my daughter and husband move in with his mother and they have a better life without me.
- When my babygirl was a newborn , I had to put her in the stroller to go outside to a doctors , etc. Even in the carseat driving It freaked me out that her head is constantly shaking from even a little movement and she is so fragile that she will have a brain injury and I would never know because its so difficult to examine and find, but that injury will later cause her in life trouble developing in school or some other neurological issue… I used my stroller with her for couple of weeks and I end up returning it and buying very expensive one with shock absorbent features.( still it shaked a little ) But her in the car driving I would seat next to her carseat and hold her head with my hands so it won’t shake so much ….It happened until recently that she is 3.5 month old now and it doesn’t shake that much anymore because she grew….
- I’ve been a very depressive person most of my life. Since I was very little I always wanted to die or tried to kill myself but failed many times. At one period of my life I stopped doing that, I was happy for few years until i got badly cheated on, not one person but repeatedly I’ve been used for money and never really received the love I was looking for. In 2017 I met a guy and we fall in love and I got pregnant, btw I’m 30 years old at that time. We decided to get married and had our little girl, I got postpartum depression and also I became very jealous, angry and unhappy. 3 years later I finally getting better but then my husband became depressed, unhappy and said it’s because of me partially. We have been arguing a lot, now my baby is 2 years old. Yesterday my husband told me he is unhappy and we argued a lot, I feel like want to end my life and my baby’s life because I know she will be very broken without me, my husband don’t give her the love I give my daughter. I don’t my baby to suffer in the future. Why I’m thinking like this.
- I keep seeing things falling on my new baby or something bad is going to happen to her iff I don’t keep hold of her it’s stopping me sleep she 3 weeks and just keeps getting worse I know I can keep her safe but the thought are horrible.
- Once she would not stop screaming and I hit a point where I squeezed her extra tight and yelled SHHH in her ear. I had an overwhelming urge to just throw her down and get her to be quiet. I sobbed for hours holding her after that, I couldn’t believe I got so close to hurting her.
- I don’t trust anyone to babysit my baby-even baby’s grandparents.
- I can’t stop thinking when I go out with my baby on a walk/errands/etc someone will try to stab, kill or steal my baby.
- I’ve always been the hot girl. Growing up in school all the boys wanted me. It sounds vain but they did I was skinny and pretty, conventionally attractive. Now an adult, at work or at the bar I still felt wanted, I was still hot. Fast forward, I get pregnant have my baby get ppd and boom I’m suddenly the most overweight I’ve ever been in my life 50 pounds heavier and it definitely shows. I have diastasis recti so my big mom stomach hangs my breasts hang and with it my self esteem is very low. I feel worthless to my husband who’s Instagram likes are full of thin girls in bikinis. I found myself crying the last time I saw his username in the likes of one of the bikini girls. I look nothing like them. Is it bad to want some validation? To feel wanted? to feel beautiful again? I hope someday I will learn to love my “mom body”
- i went almost my whole pregnancy not knowing about it because i never grew up until the last month or two. i knew the last person i had sex with due to how many weeks the doctor said i was. with that being said, i knew my child’s father. and the life he lives is oftentimes scary. i want to tell him but 1 million thoughts pop in my head about what would happen afterwards. would he hurt me or our child? would his family start drama? would someone he’s had problems with in the past take them out on me & my child? and outside of that, i have a hard time with grasping the fact that we will be ok. it’s 2020, a lot of natural disasters are happening, including this coronavirus outbreak. i dont want to leave the house. mothers and their children keep getting killed or going missing. it’s frightening me to simply live at this point when i was never scared of anything before having a child. i want to get help but no one listens. im only 21. life is scary.
- I love my baby more than anything, but I miss what my husband and I had before he was born. We haven’t been able to sex since he was born, even though I got an IUD after the delivery I discover it was placed wrong and it hurts me and my husband to have sex. And now I can’t go to the doctors and get checked because of COVID-19 and birth control is not a priority issue. My husband and I have no support now that we’re all sheltering in place. We wanted a baby for so long and now our relationship feels like it’s fighting against the world. I get intrusive thoughts like, do I wish we’d never had a baby? How can I love something so much but want my life before they came back so much, it makes me feel so selfish.
- I had a very long and difficult birth, and right after my baby was born, my husband was very protective of him and didn’t want our family to touch him till he was a week old. Baby wasn’t latching and wouldn’t stop crying because he was so hungry, my husband and I were terrified about what we had gotten ourselves into, filled with fear and regret and sadness. 2 days after giving birth my mom was so angry she didn’t get to hold the baby yet, she scolded me over text and said she couldn’t believe I was doing this to her and that she couldn’t stand to speak to me and that my priorities were wrong. My mom and I are really close usually. I felt so devastated and alone. I sobbed for hours until I just went numb and the phrase “I don’t know what to do anymore” just kept playing in my head over and over again. I remember getting a break from thinking “I don’t know what to do anymore” for a second to think “I need to call the police, I need a doctor, I need help, I need someone to come help me I don’t know what’s happening.” I was spiraling out of control, I’ve never felt more unstable in my life than I did the first week home with my newborn.
- If I didn’t constantly monitor my baby’s breathing while he slept he would stop breathing. And when I did sleep I had recurring dreams of my husband/family taking the baby away (that would never happen). So I decided not to sleep. Looking back, I’m pretty sure that led to my PPA/D.
- It all gets too much and I’m tired and my baby won’t sleep … and I have no support to help me get them to sleep, I leave my baby to scream and I just zone out. I worry that I’m not good enough, not attentive enough or that I’m damaging them. But in that moment its just what I’ve got to do for myself to be vaguely ok.
- Sometimes, when you realize that 98% of the time you nursering alone the baby, you think: “I don’t want to be a mom anymore.”, but most of the time the right though is: “I don’t want to be my partner’s mother anymore.”. Be a father isn’t a help, is responsibility, specially during postpartum.
- My MIL feels she doesn’t have a connection with our baby because she lives a few hours away. She keeps insisting on watching him over night or a little longer every chance she gets. I am not at all ready for that. I want them to be close but it gives me extreme anxiety at the thought of this and any time she has watched him (only for a few hours at most) I’ve broken down into tears. I always feel like something bad will happen. Other people are not as observant as my husband and I are and be it germs, heavy objects, or him falling, I imagine a million and one things happening to him.
- My daughter could unlock the 4 locks to get to the pool, fall in and drown alone without anybody knowing.
- My daughter constantly cries. No matter what I do for her she never stops. Put her on the floor, crib, hold her. I just want to hit her repeatedly until she stops. How can you love something so much but want it out of your life?
- When parenting gets really hard and/or painful (like when my son bites me during breastfeeding to the point where I’m bleeding), I find myself wanting to hurt my son, but only for a second. To be clear, I adore my son and would never actually hurt him, and I find the idea abhorrent! But in that nanosecond, I cant help but imagine fighting back or dropping him on purpose.
- I miss my old life, I miss being me? I don’t know who I am anymore. Everyone says it’s amazing what a woman’s body can do…but I feel mine has failed me. I have ptsd from labour…horrible scarring, a prolapse, and I’ve lost my entire identity. I can’t even pick my baby up without being in pain. I miss my sex life, I miss working out, I miss not having panic attacks at 2am worried my baby is dying in her cot. I love her so much but I want my old self back, I want to remember what it’s like to be a human.
- I’m sitting in the nursery at 3:30 am. My daughter is 3 weeks old. She has wanted to be held from the moment she was born. I stay up with her throughout the night and hold her because she won’t sleep in her bassinet, won’t take a pacifier, nothing works except feeding her. So I hold and feed and change diapers and repeat. All day. This makes me resent my daughter and deeply miss not having this responsibility. I’m crying because I feel terrible about these thoughts but I’m also crying from exhaustion and frustration. I don’t understand why This is happening and I’m so unhappy. I wish the circumstances were different and I was like other moms that love motherhood and embrace this time but I’m just not :(.
- Pregnant at 21. Had my baby at 22. What I failed to realize was that it was more than I wasn’t prepared for the struggles that come with being a mom. It was the struggles of having a sh*tty partner. The father of my child abuses alcohol, has not always been faithful, emotional manipulative, and on some level physical abusive. I’m trying my best to work it out for my child but I’m near my wits end I hate for my baby to have a family like this but I’d also hate for him not to have his father in his life. No book or article could prepare me for this ..
- I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt my baby like my mother hurt me. I’m not even pregnant but I keep having horrible thoughts and dreams about me being pregnant and me harming it then whenever I go for it after I have it I harm it. I’m scared IDK why I keep having these horrible horrible thoughts and dreams, is keeping me from wanting to even be a parent any more. I’m scared with the thoughts and dreams I keep having then I’ll be a terrible parent. I don’t know what to do. I’m ashamed that if anybody finds out I’ll be stuck in a psych ward. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. If anybody has any answers you be greatly appreciated?
- I can’t do this anymore. 100% of my time goes to a baby. He cries, scream, never sleeps and has just 4 months. I will never back to work. By now, no hopes.
- Since yesterday I’ve been having these scary thoughts of me or my baby dying at birth, my due date is in 3months. I’m so stressed and emotional and really very scared. And I have no one to talk to about my thoughts
- I wanted a in water home birth, with a midwife and a doula. I wanted low lighting, pretty affirmations on the wall, the scent of roses consuming the room, my partner holding my hand every step of the labor process and my favorite songs playing in the background of my screams. I wanted my birth story to be my idea of perfect. During my second trimester I told everyone in my family that I wanted a in home water birth. I received only bad opinions from all the women, about not seeking a hospital to have my baby. My mother, had no faith in me from the start…I consumed those negative thoughts even though I fought against them in person about what I wanted… I started second guessing myself. Here I am my contractions start rolling in 1 hour intervals, then 30 minutes, 10 minutes… the pain was terrible… as my partner is calling the midwife, she canceled on us because she had “something else” to do, which was a BIG let down. My doula, came through though and helped us. After an entire day of laboring, I decided to go to the hospital. Which made me feel like a failure and that everyone who warned me against home birth was right. We get to the hospital and I immediately felt unsafe. I felt like they were going to go against my will about my baby and what I wanted. I end up getting a c-section, felt even more like a failure because I couldn’t deliver vaginally like a woman was made for. My partner tried to ease my sadness but no one can heal the wounds of plan going completely opposite than what was planned. 3 months later, I have a beautiful baby who looks me in the eyes while breastfeeding and I feel like a superwoman, I carried my baby for 9 months that is strength enough! I’m just weary about my c-section interfering with my 6 other children I would like to have vaginally…
- my baby is two years old now and I have been struggling with PPD since he was born. I am a lot better now, it’s easier. I look through his baby pictures and cry. I’m not only sad that he’s getting older but I regret not enjoying the best time of motherhood having a new baby. I didn’t enjoy it. I was so wrapped up in the new negative experience that I personally went through with depression that I don’t feel I really enjoyed my son and I hate myself for it. I feel like such a bad mother. All I can do is be there for him now.
- I feel that my baby is torturing me a lot
- My little princess is 11 months old, since she was 3 months old i started getting anxious at every little thing around me. Driving with her in the car i would convince myself something bad would happen, lying awake till all hours at night thinking someone was coming to kidnap her from me, thinking if we go on a holiday the plane will crash, when shes older she will get cancer and die, thinking that i would die and what will happen to her! These thoughts are a constant invasion of my mind and most nights i have cried at least once with panic, fear, worry and just heartache at the thought. yet i cant stop the thoughts from happening. Its took the fun from everything brcause all i do is worry, what if we bring her swimming and she drowns, what if i bring her to a playground and she falls hits her head and dies, what if she goes to the cinema and theres a fire and she cant get out. Ive accepted that its my life for now but hopefully it eases.
- My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 8 months pregnant with twins. She died soon after they were born. I was so anxious about grieving around my twins and it having a negative impact on them that I bottled it all up. I eventually began to resent my babies for this.
I had thoughts of getting in the car, driving away and never coming back. On bad days I would sit in the garden and pick which branch of next doors tree I would hang myself off.
- I want my life back… before we had kids. I hate my body. Women say “You should love your body. It created life.” But I don’t. Sometimes I think about leaving my kids and my husband I’m the middle of the night and never coming back… but at the same time I don’t know what I would do without them. I just want to be me again.
- I didn’t know ppd can last for years. My daughter just turned 4 and every day is a struggle. I love her death, but I hate being a mom. I miss my life when it was quiet, when I could go to the bathroom by myself and wash my hands without having to let a screaming kid flush the toilet for me, and having to wait for her to wash her hands too, and then wait for her to turn off the light, because if I do it there will be tears for 30 minutes. I miss eating alone and not having to share my plate. I miss being able to just get in the car and go somewhere. I hate being a mom. If I could have a do over, I wouldn’t have done it.
- I can’t go anywhere alone with my kids anymore. Someone will take them. Someone will grab the baby when I’m busy with the older two and he will be gone forever. Someone is going to steal my girls and hurt them. I don’t remember the last time I went in public and didn’t go over every possible scenario in my head of things that could go wrong… what I would do. I wish I could be normal again. But someone is going to take my kids…
- I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt my baby like my mother hurt me. I’m not even pregnant but I keep having horrible thoughts and dreams about me being pregnant and me harming it then whenever I go for it after I have it I harm it. I’m scared IDK why I keep having these horrible horrible thoughts and dreams, is keeping me from wanting to even be a parent any more. I’m scared with the thoughts and dreams I keep having that I’ll be a terrible parent. I don’t know what to do. I’m ashamed that if anybody finds out I’ll be stuck in a psych ward. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Because of these dreams I been having for a few years I feel like I can’t trust myself alone with children now like I feel awkward about it. Having these thoughts and dreams is really hurt my ego around children. And it didn’t start until a year ago. it didn’t fully start until I actively started trying to have a child. And the thought of how my mother treated me made me fear how I would be as a parent you made me question my ability as a parent and now I think I don’t even want children because I don’t trust myself I fear for the worse. I’m absolutely petrified because of the dreams and thoughts that keep reoccurring every night.
- I’ve been losing my patience with my child. I find that ever since my breakup with his father, I’m being mean to my baby boy. He’s only 9 months old, he can’t help it that he is clingy, cranky, and restless… but still, I get angry with him. I scream more. I don’t feel bad. I’m on the verge of just giving his father full custody since he says my job as a stay at home mom is so easy and I’m not depressed, “it’s all in my head.” I feel like if I keep going like this, I’m going to resent my child and really leave him behind.
- I’m a single mother and since my toddler was born I’ve have a fear that I’ll die and he will be left screaming and distraught for ages or come to harm until someone checks my home. This fear would mainly come at night and would cause me to over analyze every ache, pain or sensation I had in my body and cause my anxiety to make me believe I was going to have a heartattack or aneurysm.
- I cannot stop obessing about getting sick and my baby getting sick. My partner is an essential worker. So every day I worry that he will come home sick or make me sick. Sometimes I forget and feel so good with my baby. But soon I am reminded that there is so much to worry about. All the time. I don’t know how to stop my brain.
- I was a heavy drinker once I found out I was pregnant I completely stopped. I love my son and have been protected of him injustice dont know why a couple months ago an ugly thought came to mind I cant believe I would think this how dare I I have faith and pray for my kids all the time the thought of me killing my child is something I can not believe and dont know want to think I ask myself why..all I have given my son is love why would I think this?? I found this post and see other women have this my son is 2 years just turned I get frustrated when he is I also have an 11 month god knows I love them on i ust want those thoughts to go away and pray god will help me. I was never depressed when I had my kids just recently had this bad thought I think and I need to get them out.
- Ever since my I became pregnant my husband has found something to do to keep him busy, or found somewhere to go to occupy his time. Before I got pregnant I couldn’t get him to leave the house unless it was hunting season. He’s always wanted children more so than me but he’s far less involved that I ever dreamed he would be. He cried when he found out I was pregnant and was so excited, and now he’s a subpar father. Lately, he’s been talking about baby #2 and when do we want to have another. I literally vomit in my mouth. The thought of having another baby makes me want to throw myself off a cliff. I get so mad I grit my teeth when friends and family say “oh when’s the next one coming ?”. I just want to scream at them. Not all of us have a helpful husband that makes motherhood bareable. I get sweaty, anxious, and just plain sad if I think about another baby. I still remember when he took off for 2 weeks to “help” with the transition of our new baby. He stayed gone daily helping his friends with their vehicles or staying in the garage working on restoring his. Every night I would sob in the shower at the anticipation of another sleepless night. I truly almost killed my self , but the ONLY thing that kept me from doing so is that I remembered I didn’t have life insurance and that would leave him with all of my debt.. I have recently been looking into getting my tubes tied. I don’t know if it’s more to hurt him , or if it is PPD. I’m a little scared because what if I do want another baby later on. I currently have the Mirena in and don’t have to worry for 5 years. I constantly have this scary irrational thought of what if I do get pregnant ? What if it’s ectopic ? What if I have complications and it destroys my uterus?
- Most days, I look at my lovely happy baby, and I feel bad. I thought about abortion when I was pregnant. It was okay to have these thoughts and I made a choice and I’m happy with that choice. But everyday I feel sad because I look at him and I tell myself I’m an awful person. How on Earth would anyone want to abort this precious little one. But the thing is, I didn’t know him back then. And things were rough. I had options and I thought about my options. I kept him and I’m happy about it. I need to push away the dark thoughts that tell me I don’t deserve to live because I thought about aborting him. And also, the thoughts that something bad is going to happen to him to punish me.
- My baby won’t be able to go out and play and see world like we did in early 90’s. she might get bullied when she goes to school.
- I cannot take care of myself, my toddler and my husband. I have to drop one. I cannot be a perfect wife and perfect mother and perfect person all at the same time. Who is going to take care of me? Just me. I miss being single and kid free. I am no one after having a kid. I just want to be happy and skinny again.
- My son spent a week in the NICU. I still struggle with PTSD from a traumatic delivery and having him taken away from me right after he was born. Now, with COVID19, I find myself overwhelmed with fear that he will be taken away from me again because one of us will need to be hospitalized. I worry that I couldn’t survive that.
- Sometimes I feel like I can’t handle being a mother when I’m emotionally or mentally drained. I sometimes lose my temper or ignore my baby when I’m upset. It makes me question so much about myself like ” I suck as a mother”, “He don’t deserve me”, ” maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother” and so many more. I want to be different and raise my baby the right way, not like I was raise. I want to show my baby so much love that I barely had growing up and not lose my temper with him when I’m upset. I just feel weak and guilty. I just want to make him feel safe and know that I can keep him safe, but my emotions gets the best of me.
- Sometimes I wish my son was never born, because this quarantine during this pandemic would be so much easier (and maybe fun) without him. I miss alone time with my husband.
- My son was born and I was absolutely convinced he was going to die, it was awful. It was going to be while I slept or maybe in his car seat. I didn’t bath him for a long time because I was sure that would be his end. I still find it hard to leave him in case something happens and I miss his last moments. It can all be so overwhelming.
- We both almost died during birth. She cries and I think that she hates me for that. I think she doesn’t love me. I know it can’t be true. But she doesn’t stop crying when I try to comfort her so I feel I’m not her mother. Then I think since we almost died that maybe that’s why we aren’t connected.
- I am absolutely obsessed with our new baby girl. I am terrified that someone, or an illness like Coronavirus, will take her from me. I fear she’ll be kidnapped and someone will abuse or assault her and I’ll never know what happened to her. I am scared every minute of every day of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me.
- If I put him in the baby carrier wrong his hips will dislocate and he’ll never be able to walk. I also felt similarly about his arms, I have to constantly check to make sure they’re not in a bad position.
- I’m secretly happy about the self-quarantining. I don’t have to share my 3 month old baby girl with anyone, except her dad. But I like sharing her with him.
- Is he too cold? Is he too hot? Is he breathing? Is he breathing properly? Worrying if I’m under or overfeeding him. These days mostly worrying if I’ll bring home something from doing the weekly shop. I hate being apart from him to even do it, not that I would want to bring him in case he would get something.
- I was watching my baby sleep and thinking how perfect he was and how lucky I was to have him and how excited I was to watch him grow and learn and my brain had a distant thought of “you hate him” which scared me because I love him with every fiber of my being. I spent the rest of the night crying because why I think that.
- I had ppd with my first. We did not plan for another baby any time soon. He is now 16 months and I’m due in 3 months. I already feel a very strong connection to the baby in the womb That I don’t feel like I had with my first, and I fear I’ll love my second more, because he (hopefully) wont come with the trauma my oldest did, and it makes me feel like a garbage mom.
- My mom and my mom in law give me extreme anxiety because 1) my mom feels sorry for my mom in law that she cannot see my daughter because of this pandemic so she always thinks of ways she can bring my kid to her; and 2) because my mom in law asked my husband in secret if i can bring our daughter to her one of these days. It’s like they dont fucking get it. I get that they long for their grand kid. But hello?! Anyone can get that damned virus these days from ANYONE. Then if you call them out about it, they fucking give you hell! It’s like they’d rather my kid get the virus just so they can be happy! And i feel so angry and frustrated about it. I dont know how to tell them NO and not feel guilty about it because they will definitely make me feel shitty. 🙁
- In the middle of the night, while cuddling my baby and looking in his eyes – I thought he was going to kill me. I realized it was not right, woke up my husband, told him what was happening – he took over nights from then on. My son is now 12 and amazing. I realize the seriousness of what was going on back then and am thankful my partner believed me and stepped up.
- With everything that’s going on around the world right now I feel so sad that we created this life to be here and witness, what I fear, is the end of the world.
- Our 3rd son is just 8 weeks old. We have a 4 yr old fighting for attention and the middle child in the terrible twos. I yell so much and look at my precious baby’s face and I can’t help but think I’m ruining him already.
- Sometimes when I am y stressed and baby is also being fussy and won’t stop crying, I withheld the urge to scream and bad. I m scared that I would hurt her by accident when I m being restless and hash when I am angry.
- Every now and then I feel totally swallowed with fear that I will disappoint and humiliate my daughter. I’m afraid I will end up like my mother. I look in the mirror and see how overweight I have become, like her. I think of the mental health issues I have, like her. I question my work ethic, like hers. The fear of being like her is like a bee that buzzes in my head and I’m so afraid of being stung. I’m so afraid of letting my little girl down. I deserved better. She deserves better. My mom deserved better but she didn’t break the cycle and now I feel like it’s on me. I’m afraid of failing her.
- I am almost two months postpartum with my first baby… I’ve had VERY instrusive scary thoughts. I love my baby so much and in a right state of mind I’d never ever think of these things. I always feel like I’ll lean over a staircase and drop her. Or I’ll get the weird urge to cover her nostrils (not to kill her) but to get a reaction. I hate that one so much. Like why is my mind thinking these things when I would NEVER want to hurt my baby girl.
- I have constant anxiety and guilt surrounding corona virus and the best choice to make to protect my baby while also maintaining my own mental health. My son is almost 2 months old and we have been isolated from everyone except my husband since he was 1 week old. This means my baby has not gotten to meet his uncles yet and has only met his grandparents once. It also means we have had no help. No one stopping in to help clean up, Or drop off a meal, or watch the baby for a few minutes while I grab a quick nap or take a shower, My husband is being as helpful as possible but he is considered “essential personnel” and is at work everyday. I have been managing okay but the longer and longer we are forced to isolate the more I feel the anxiety and depression creeping in. I want more than anything to take all measures possible to protect my baby from this virus but as someone with a history of mental illness I am so fearful that I am falling into a depression that I will not easily be able to pull myself out of. I’d like to go stay with my parents and siblings for a few weeks but the anxiety that going there and putting my child around more people could result in him getting sick is so high. The choice whether to stick it out and isolate for yet another long month and risk my mental health or go stay with family and possibly risk my child’s health is constantly on my mind. I’m loving being a mom and watching my son grow everyday but it’s hard to do it alone. I never imagined I would feel so alone during a time that I expected to have so much love and support.
- I still worry everyday that not breastfeeding my son will cause him harm. I am afraid he will suffer because of me. I am afraid he will die without antibodies from me or become a strain on our healthcare system because he had formula, just like a lactation specialist told me when he was four days old. Logically, I know these things aren’t true and formula is a miracle of science that saved my sons life, so why do I feel so scared and ashamed of myself?
- My second baby just turned 3 months both are close in age. With this pandemic I have no time to myself and feel trapped, lonely and overwhelmed to be alone with the kids while the partner is an essential worker and always gone. I have so much stress, anxiety and built up anger about it. I worry I might have late postpartum depression. I had PPD for my first baby and this time around worked so hard to self care to avoid it but now it feels like it’s catching up ans I’m starting to drown. I don’t know what to do. Wish I wasn’t so alone.
- My baby is 7 months old. I had pretty bad anxiety before baby concerning germs and going places. After she was born i had only gone into an actual store maybe ten times before lock down because i was afraid of getting her sick. This covid has ramped up my anxiety and i can’t fathom what it’s going to be like as the nation reopens. I have ptsd from having to get silver nitrated to help heal what birthing left behind. It gives me nightmares. I don’t sleep anymore. If I’m not worried about the baby dying in the middle of the night I’m worried i am sick and not going to be able to care for my child. She won’t take a bottle and i am paranoid if something happens to me she will starve to death. My husband doesn’t get it. I feel like a single mom.
- I have 3 healthy children and a loving partner life is good. But every day I wake up I convince my self it’s the last day because why would I deserve to be happy. I envision cars smashing into mine when I’m driving, that I’ll be told I have a week to live by my dr, google every ache and pain I have and diagnose my self with a terminal illness. Every day I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t get my head above water. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
- I just found out I am pregnant with my 4th. This is 100% a quarantine baby. I feel so selfish bringing in another life when the world is so fucked.
- I have a fear of the fact that others have snapped and done horrid mean things. I also have the fear of things that I could harm my baby. I love him and don’t want anything to bad happen to him.
- I’m going to drop/throw my baby over the banister.
- I wanted a baby boy I can raise alone,at 38 weeks I realized I prefer a female child more than a male child and I also wished I ve a rich father for my child ..am just lonely depressed and I dnt want this child anymore cant raise it alone…
- I feel like I mutilated my baby by getting him circumcised, even though my husband was 100% for it. I can’t change him without bursting into tears. What kind of mother am I for allowing my perfect newborn to be disfigured. I never wanted a boy. I still don’t. I don’t know how I’ll ever love him as much as my daughter….especially now that I’ve lopped off a piece of him.
- Whenever he cry’s and whines I get the worst anxiety like someone scrambling my brain and thoughts. If I can’t calm him I react by yelling, cursing, throwing a fit of rage. I know he just trying to communicate but my body can’t handle it and I feel like all my rational thoughts go out the window. I don’t feel like I’m a good mom. Even though my entire life people would compliment my mom like qualities. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and always wanted to be the best mom. Now I’m just so conflicted due to my anger and lack of patience. I’m so upset with myself and disappointment. I never felt so sad and alone even with this perfect baby. I love him with all I have but feel in Incapable to give him the best in life. Last night I stay up all night thinking I’m who would be the best caretaker for him if I did something to hurt myself. I couldn’t think of anyone who’d love him more then me.
- I have a 10 month old and almost 5 year old child. I sometimes lose my anger and scream at them When they yell and misbehave, they fight so often and don’t listen To me. I sometimes think about the time j wants mom and miss it terribly. But i wouldnt go back.
- I love my son. He’s a happy, highly active, inquisitive 6 year old. We escaped his biological father almost 2 years ago. It was bad. My son is in counseling and doing well. I failed him by not leaving sooner. I tried, so many times but no one believed me about how bad it was. My ex wasn’t physically abusive to our son but he sexually, psychologically, and economically abused me in front of our son and his older kids. I wake up most days just wishing I didn’t. But if I die, my son’s bio could try to get custody even though he’s made it clear he’d kill him.
- When I am ill or in pain I feel like an inconvenience because someone has to look after me and my baby. My partner is allowed to be ill or in pain without anyone resenting it – because he doesn’t have the lions share of baby care and household chores.
- I keep thinking about ways to kill myself but can’t bear the thought of my son being raised by my husband and calling another mom.
- Even though my son is now two. The guilt and shame I feel for how I raised him when he was little is real. I struggled, I needed help, and only my husband saw it. It took me six months to find help. My son was one the anxiety I feel over what I caused him is real. I think about it every day but now I move forward. I wanted him gone, I regretted having him, and so I ignored my precious baby boy. He still prefers dade to mome but we are making progress and that is success.
- I would spend as little time in the kitchen as possible because there were knives in there. I would have to check over and over that I actually threw away the bag that diapers came in because I was terrified my baby would suffocate. I remember walking from room to room holding baby and leaving because I felt it was unsafe to be in there.
- I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love both of my children at the same time. I didn’t mean to get pregnant the second time and it’s been so hard to adjust to 2. Sometimes they just need so much of me I want to hurt them.
- My husband is a good hearted person. He’s a very good husband and father. We have 2 daughters although one, the oldest one (7) is not his, but he has raised her as his own. Now although he is very good, I can’t help to be paranoid and always checking after him whenever his around the girls specially the oldest. With all the pedophile stuff going around one can never be too sure, at the same time I feel so bad for always checking. Don’t get me wrong he has never done anything for me to ever think this way but I feel very protective about the girls. Specially because the oldest one has a body of a 15 year old one trust me! This is a crazy thought but at the same time I feel like I’m not that crazy since I’m watching over my girls, but also I feel so bad for doubting or corroborating after my husband in such way. Have any of you had that same feeling, am I the only one? Am I wrong?
- While rocking my baby on the balcony, I have been imagining dropping her over the edge. Knowing I love her intensely doesn’t change it from popping into my mind.
- I see the women who are spread too thin
Whose bodies are so beat
Tired from the aches and pains of today
They try to connect saying they need rest and respect
Putting their lives online for us to connect with
Indeed, we all need a break, but they are breaking the internet with their space
Choosing to inflict their sorrows for personal connection
In need of personal validation
When mothers work tiredly helping one after one
With no breaks and not sitting until we are done
Then the others say they can’t stay awake
Yet we wake up with screaming sons
And daughters who howl beaming songs
Still, we push off rest that cures mental health
No time to sit in the sun for minutes by themselves
Indeed, it takes one to know the other
That by pushing encouraging thoughts only makes others shine darker
And that resilience is praised but giving up is not an option
Confusing to be a mother, I plead caution
From choosing a life of their own
Now when they sit all alone and it’s quiet to just think
Who could I have been if I just wasn’t spread too thin
- I am so scared to let my son go anywhere without me. To his grandparents, daycare you name it. I was worried he’d hurt himself badly or be taken by someone and I wasn’t there to help or watch him. I’m constantly in fear he isn’t being watch 24/7 like I do. And I’m so worried to lose him
- I had multiple scary thoughts about my child. I’m a new mom and I easily get frustrated. I would think about what if her stroller goes down the hill into the lake (my bf thought I was so messed up in the head). I thought about harming my baby when there’s nonstop cries and my anxiety builds up. I even though about choking my 1 year old baby. These are dark thoughts and I know they’re not mine but of the evil one. I’m really ashamed of even having it in my head because I know I’m a good mother. I cry literally for my baby because I love and am proud to be her mother. These are really scary thoughts and try your best to not think about them, talk to your understanding spouse about it, they will help you through. Better yet pray together and alone. Our dear LORD JESUS will wipe away all these evil thoughts that are not ours. Please stay strong and pray because the enemy will not stop. You all are great mamas. Just remember to breathe and take a moment. You can do it.
- My MIL sucks, she finds all the way possible to snatch baby from me, she always asks me to give him my boy even while I am playing with him, as soon as I complete breast feeding she comes & sometimes takes him forcefully from me.I can not come out from this behaviour after 2 months still. I need help
- I keep dreaming about my family getting into a car accident and not one of them surviving and they all leave me here alone and I can’t stop dreaming about it and it’s scaring me.
- Covid-19 has had us locked in our house since she was born. No visitors, no help and a husband that works. 16 hours a day shes on my body or near me: sleeping, nursing or sitting and playing with me. 16 hours a day my focus is on her, when dad takes over she screams, which makes it harder for me to distance myself. I feel I can’t say anything to anyone and I should cherish this alone bonding time, but I feel this quarantine would be better alone.
- As I stand over him on the changing table, I cup his cheeks and press my forehead to his, imagining holding him like this with his tiny body cold and lifeless in a coffin as I say my last goodbyes. It hurts to breathe. He babbles and I snap back to the present- but what if? I mourn the “what if” a thousand times a day. Some days, I cannot breathe.
- Following the birth of my daughter, I had thoughts of throwing her outside when sleep deprived and when she was crying. I felt incredibly bad for these thoughts because it was beyond cruel to think of something like that towards my love but I was pushed to my limits countless times. I reached out to family support because I knew I was depressed and irritable. I am also a mental health provider so I did what I would recommend anyone to do… seek help. You aren’t alone. Almost one year later and she is one happy baby.
- I always vision myself throwing him on the floor. Not to hurt him, but just because I’ve had enough of him. Like flicking a bug off your knee.
- Terrified of leaving him with my parents/in laws incase he gets abused, shouted at, or fed things he shouldn’t be having. My mum has anger issues/depression, and my mother in law keeps asking if we’ve fed him this and that, or given him juice yet (he’s not even 4 months old)
- I couldn’t hold him the whole first week he was in the NICU because I kept having a reoccurring nightmare that I would drop him and his head would splatter like an egg. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because the one time I did, I was reported to CPS.
- I don’t feel any connection to this baby. Why don’t I feel the “I never knew love until I became a mom” feeling?
They had to sedate me during an emergent c-section. I don’t even remember them pulling him out or holding him afterwards. I woke up the next day- I didn’t have a large belly and there was a baby in the room.
I yelled at my baby because he wouldn’t stop crying. I felt like throwing him to make him stop.
My partner’s life has not changed and I’m trapped to this baby because I’m breast feeding. He gets a break by going to work every day. I never get to leave.
My partner doesn’t understand why I get so upset when the baby cries. We fight more now.
My OB handed me a sheet of therapists after I scored high on the postpartum screen. “What you’re feeling is completely normal but feel free to reach out to any of these recommended therapists if you want.” I was so mentally paralyzed that I didn’t even know what to do with that sheet or how to filter out who to call on a list of 25. I stared at that sheet daily for 2 weeks before calling 1, only to call back and cancel the next day.
I sat crying by myself in my closet saying aloud “This isn’t right. I’m not okay” but didn’t know how to get help.
I texted my spouse while on maternity leave “Today is the first day I can honestly say I hate my life.”
I considered running away or dropping the baby off at the ER.
I don’t want to be a mom. I’m not meant to do this. I can’t do this.
I’m scared that if I have another child, I’ll never come out of this black hole.
- Sometimes I want to disappear for a week or so, so my husband could see how hard it is to be a mom. The invisible labor of being a mom and a woman is the heaviest weight I carry. I try to be aware of this. But it’s still there.
I feel it physically, mentally and emotionally. I just wish he could understand.
- When my first baby was born, I had PPA. But I had no idea. I wouldn’t let anyone hold my baby. I didn’t sleep for the first 5 days for fear that he would stop breathing. Every time I closed my eyes I saw horrible things happen to him (dropping him on his head, falling down stairs, car accidents)… horribly graphic things. My body was in a constant state of fight or flight. On day 5 of no sleep, I broke down sobbing and called my mother, stepmother, and 2 sisters to come watch my baby along with my husband. I trusted no less than 5 people to watch him while I slept. Convinced something horrible would happen. That was when my husband intervened and called my doctor for psychiatric help. I was in such a state of shock from how much I loved the little being, I couldn’t fathom anybody else being able to protect him like I could. I felt, truly, psychotic. And I took a picture of myself on that 5th day, so I can always remember. It’s raw and real. I look at it when I need strength. And I’d be happy to submit it if it would help clear the stigma.
- I don’t have anxious thoughts about my toddler dying, but about myself. I ruminate about how I would have to leave my child behind and all bad things happen to him if I were not there to protect him. Also, I have intrusions about how I would choose my own death and how that would impact my child, as people would talk about me and pity him.
- I just about threw my son at my husband because he hurt so much to try and latch. Sleep deprived, frustrated, sore, and sad, I didn’t know what to do. I pump now and bottle feed him, but my husband still jokes to my newborn “you want the boob” when he’s crying and it makes me sad and mad at him. I feel like a cow, not like his mother. I feel there’d be a better bond if he would latch correctly and I didn’t have to pump all the time.
- My PPD was caused by being unable to breastfeed.No matter how many experts I saw it was incredibly painful so I quit when my son was 9 weeks old. Right away I felt horrible about taking away the food best for him and felt like a complete failure. I thought my entire family was better off without me and desperately hoped I would go to bed and never wake up the next morning.
- I don’t want to do this anymore. I miss my life before. I want to run away.
- I am pregnant with my second child but I also have a 6 year old step daughter. I keep having nightmares that she kills my newborn. She fights with her brother so often while she is here I can’t stand her at our house anymore. I feel like I hate her. I don’t want her to touch my son or the new baby. I know she feels my anger and frustration but at this point I don’t know how to change my attitude. Then I get sad once she leaves.
- When my son cries really loud and hard, I get triggered. I remember the first time he cried so hard and I felt so helpless. Now every time he cries like that, I feel like picking him up and slamming him down. I hate myself for feeling this way. I love him so much but I just can’t do it sometimes. He doesn’t go to anyone else during those times and I just feel so drained. I need a break.
- Every time he cries, I become irrational. I feel like it’s a personal attack against me. I cry right with him, and become incapable of resolving his needs. When I finally figure it out, I feel like the meanest person by letting him suffer and making it about me…
- I have many scary thoughts. My baby is now six months old but I still seem to have these intrusive thoughts and they don’t seem to go away. One scary thought is what if my baby wiggles out of my arms and gets dropped off the balcony ledge of my house? Or — even crazier — what if I one day develop schizophrenia or hallucinate and harm my baby without knowing it?
- I love my baby girl so much. But, I wish so much that when I watch her sleep, I could just feel content and happy that she looks so beautiful and angelic. Instead, I have these scary and intrusive thoughts that this is what she would look like if she was dead. She would just be this still, quiet, and still beautiful. I immediately gently poke her to make sure she is still alive and can move. I wish so much that I can just stare at her sleeping and feel at peace, instead of this incessant worrying for her life and safety that I constantly feel.
- I feel like I am a waste of space & that my family would flourish without me in their lives. I feel I’ve completely ruined my children & that I will never be good enough for them or my husband. I am so tired. So tired I don’t care about anything.
- My two year old told Daddy today he wants a lil sis. My husband who has also been on the fence about a second child came in smiling. My heart constricted. I felt trapped. I don’t know if I want to do this again. What if it’s worse than the first time? Except this time my fear of everything will not just affect me and my husband it will also affect my beautiful son who I am just now bonding with. Will this ever go away?
- I used to imagine accidentally dropping my son, and his head would shatter like a glass jar of spaghetti. Then I started having that image every time I would pick him up, and I would hold on to him tighter. I would walk past the stairs 500 times a day and imagine accidentally dropping him and him shattering like the jar. I would have so much anxiety walking past the stairs because I wasn’t sure if I was imagining doing it or I was fantasizing about it. I started not knowing if I was going just snap and drop him, or would it be an accident, but either way, I held on to him tight every time and silently tried not to panic … every day.
- Recent mother of 2. While I was pregnant I had scary thoughts of the government coming to the apartment where we lived and would take us all one by one and kill us if we contracted covid, it made me go into a panic attack and cry for 3 days. Now with my one year old and newborn I’ve been really really crying thinking about throwing my son down or squeezing him hard while hes crying and I love him and his sweet little self it tears me up. When both of my babies are crying I vision myself beating the oldest one just because she is big and I feel like the worst mom and bully ever. I constantly vision my husband raping her but that would NEVER happen I’m with her 24/7 and he wouldnt even change her diaper. I feel like the world’s worst mother if I do not give her everything she wants and I feel like she will never love me as much as she loves her dad and the same goes with my son. I think that they deserve much better than me even though I choose to stay at home and spend as much time as possible with them in case I were to die they would have nobody to love them as much as I do. It’s really tough right now. I think I have psychosis instead of depression and if I tell anyone they wont let me around my babies even though I would never ever harm them.
- Sometimes I want to walk out into traffic. Not to die, just to be hospitalized where someone will take care of me for a change.
- My baby wouldn’t sleep last night. I had been in the internet a few hours before, reading about sids and was terrified. She was up every hour, waking myself an my boyfriend up. This has been the new normal. Last night she was quite for a short period of time and I thought to my self “maybe she died” and I felt relief. I love her more than life itself and would never actually feel relief if something happened. I feel such guilt that I felt happy. I held my breath for about 10 seconds until she made another sound, and of course was happy she was alive.
- I have suffered through ppd with both pregnancies. But my second one seemed to be worst. I was already suffering through depression during the pregnancy to the point I was prescribed antidepressants. Afterwards things did not get better with my mental state. My baby is so needy and so loud when she cries. She’s now one and my other daughter is 5 and my anxiety and stress is heightened. What makes things stressful is the fact that we live with a friend of mines and her husband. And trying to ensure my children dont wreck their house stresses me out. Trying to ensure my children are quiet all the time, not whining all the time just for the sake of not disturbing their peace stresses me out. Sometimes I feel like my friends are judging my every move as a parent and feel like I’m so weak and needing help as a single mother that they step in to discipline my children. Sometimes I hate them and my children. I love them all to death but the stress they all cause me makes me want to disappear. My anxiety is getting to where I have used a lot of strong language towards my children as a way to discipline them sometimes. Afterwards I feel horrible. I feel like I’m affecting my daughter’s self esteem cause I’m projecting my deep down anxieties and stress on her. She irritates the crap out of me. I wish I could express to my friend sometimes how I truly feel as a mom but I fear the judgement or ridicule I may receive so I just keep things bottled up. I just want and need time a break away from my children but I fear that because I dont want to be a burden.
- I don’t know if I love my baby girl enough. She’s over a year old, and the overwhelming all-consuming love other moms describe has never hit me. I adore her, I cherish her, but sometimes I look at her and feel like I don’t know her. Like I don’t even remember how she got here.
- I constantly worry that my baby is going to die. Images play in my head of him being carried away in a body bag. I obsess over the worry that he will choke on something and I won’t be able to save him, so much so I am scared to feed him anything that hasn’t been mashed or cooked to mush. I spend every second of the day worrying about him hurting himself. I wake up constantly thinking he has died in the night while I have been asleep. I worry that one day I will die and he will be left by himself and get hurt as no one is around to protect him. Most days I feel like I’m drowing in all this anxiety and I have no one to turn to.
- My baby is crying so much that I yelled at him and it made me feel guilty and it triggers me.. I want to hurt myself, Im not a good mom.
- After being up in the middle of the night for 2 straight hours, I wanted to hit my baby so she would shut up. I love her and in the light of day I would never dream of hurting her like that.
- My amazing dad died suddenly when my baby was 5 weeks old. He hadn’t met her because of the virus, which was his choice, but I feel so incredibly sad and guilty. I can’t stop crying and I worry that my grief is affecting her. And I can’t stop worrying about other people dying… me, my mom, my husband, my baby. It feels like nothing will ever be right again.
- I have thoughts of dying before my baby is old enough to remember who I am. Dying from a car accident, cancer, coronavirus…anything. I become crippled if I think of suddenly dying and he grows up and has no idea who I am and how much I loved him. I fear that no one can care for him the way I do. That he would be neglected or mistreated and I am not there to protect him. I fear that if I am no longer here, that no one would be willing to risk their life to save his, like I would. I fear that he won’t ever know or remember that his mom loved him deeply. I never wanted to die before being a mother…but not Im terrified of death and leaving him behind. I want to cry just thinking about it!
- I hate breastfeeding. I don’t feel bonded by the act. Instead I feel trapped by my baby. My husband and friends are anti formula. I secretly hope that when baby goes to daycare, I’ll be unable to pump enough milk. Then we can switch to formula and I won’t have to admit that I’m a selfish quitter.
- I hate being pregnant! Everyone tells me I should be glowing and feeling grateful, but they don’t understand the stress and isolation of being the sole responsible for a life. I love my kid and I am looking forward to meeting my baby but I can’t stand being pregnant. From the start, the hyperemesis, the spotting, cramping, all to the stretch marks, rashes, back and hip pain, it’s just too much. Not even considering all the guilt I feel for not bonding enough because I have a toddler to take care of that consumes my time.
- I keep picturing him getting dropped on the ground and his skull splitting open and it make some not want to go to sleep or let someone else watch him.
- Sometimes my baby’s crying makes me so angry that I picture myself throwing him at the wall or shaking him until he stops crying and it scares me. I have to put him down and throw something just to calm myself down.
- I always feel like I will go “crazy” and just forget to take care of my baby.
- Intense intrusive thoughts that my boyfriend is gonna sexually assault our baby. To the point it’s affecting our relationship and I’m constantly trying to catch him off guard with the baby to make sure she’s safe.
- After my daughter came home from the hospital, I had repeated scary thoughts of her not really being my daughter and being afraid her being switched in the hospital. I desperately loved her and wanted her. But the thoughts continued. I think it began after looking at her newborn pictures and thinking that she looked nothing like them. I found myself continually checking her newborn pictures to make sure she looked like them and mentally obsessing about and arguing with my thoughts all the time. I felt ashamed- like I was a terrible mom. I had postpartum OCD. It is not completely better yet, but with the support of family, friends, counseling, helpful books, my faith in God, and specifically the use of Exposure Response Prevention or “ERP” (a cognitive behavioral technique in psychotherapy in which you accept and face your scary thoughts) it has gotten tremendously better. I have had other scary thoughts that have built off of this one- specifically the fear of getting new scary thoughts in my head or thinking scary blasphemous thoughts and getting those stuck in my head. Do not be ashamed! It is not your fault!! I highly recommend reading about ERP and giving it a try. See a mental health professional. Tell your family.
- I hate when people ask me things like ‘I’ll bet you can’t imagine life without your baby’s or ‘i bet you never thought you could love someone so much.’. I have a lovely life and family but I had a lovely life before as well. I don’t think motherhood has made my life richer or better, just different. That makes me feel so guilty like I don’t love my LO as much as others and angry at the idea that my love was worth less or my life was less meaningful pre-child.
- 1st bad insurdence think that I would snap my baby neck, I was horrified so I found out what it was online and how to deal with it OCD and they said to not be scared of the thought so next time I had that thought I was like I’m not scared of this thought so I went to tickle my babys neck because she loves that and laughs but as I was going to tickle her neck I had a intrusive thought that i would actually snap her neck so ran down stairs and cried my eyes out to my mam and got my ex partner to come stay with me in fear I would do something to her. Now I have loads of new bad intrusive thoughts and it’s making me think what if I have done them, even though i do not want to do any or would do anything to hurt my baby and the guilt is killing me.
- I’m so afraid of someone molesting my daughter i won’t ever date or have her around any men. It’s petrifies me.
- Everyone says the 4 month sleep regression only lasts 2-3 weeks but it’s been over a month will this ever end I just want him to sleep every time he cries I feel like I’m gonna throw up and my heart won’t stop racing why won’t this end I just want it to end you’re not getting better and I’m getting worse I feel like there’s no way to cope at night and I want to die thinking about life being like this every night please just sleep baby why won’t you rest.
- I had a terrible birthing experience with her. I ended up staying in the hospital without her for 4 extra days while the doctors figured out why my bladder stopped working. I also had a hard time breastfeeding in the beginning. As a result, I love(d) my daughter but resented her for the first 5 months of her life. I found myself just going through the motions of being her mom. My son was born 2.5 years later and I had a great birthing experience. With all the mom tips I learned and experienced with my daughter, I had an overall better Mom experience. I am worried that I love my son more than my daughter because of their different birthing experiences.”
- I looked at my newborn and wondered what if he never ended up being born? He wasn’t planned and he was born amidst a pandemic + uncertain time in my career. I wasn’t feeling the innate maternal instinct or affection other moms seemed to feel. All I could think of was “if I didn’t have a baby now I could be…” and so on. I didn’t want to admit that I regretted getting pregnant, even if I didn’t want to harm my baby and I did want to take care of him.
- I’m sorry I screamed when you started crying in the car. I just can’t handle your outbursts sometimes. I am so scared that you’ll end up like me… with a bad temper. I hate that I scare you when I have my own outbursts. I know that screaming when you scream doesn’t help anything. But sometimes it feels better when I do.
- Every time I go to get my baby up from her nap I pray that she’s still alive.
- Im scared to let my husband clean our daughter because of my past sexual abuse trauma, even though he’s a good person.
- I keep thinking that I only have to make one bad decision and he’ll be dead. It only takes one mistake. Like when I’m in bed finally drifting off to sleep and he makes a normal noise on the crib, like he always does, but I’m scared that if I don’t get up to check this might be the time that the noise is actually not normal. That it might be the time he’s choking or suffocating and if I make that one bad decision not to get up and look he’ll be dead in the morning and I won’t get any more decisions to make for my little boy.
- That i can never leave my two kids for an overnight stay or trip away because nobody can or will do everything that I do and that they won’t be ok if I’m gone.
- That one day when my baby grows up she will feel about me the way I do about my mom–who was an alcoholic with really bad anxiety, anger and depression–even though I know logically I am a totally different person and parent. I don’t really speak to my mom much and only visit about once a year and I am afraid my kids will somehow have that distance with me one day.
I had two horrible birth experiences with both my daughters. The first was an emergency c section after a long unproductive labor. The pregnancy was a “surprise”, I wanted a natural birth, and it felt like even this one aspect I was trying to control or be excited about or make fit to my expectations or hopes was such a failure. I struggled getting her to latch and to breastfeed after. She was a Christmas baby and there were lots of family coming in and out and I just wanted them gone. I was in so much pain afterwards and on pain medicine for 10 weeks, which I think affected my mental health looking back. By 3-4 months post partum I was having suicidal thoughts. I just really felt like I was such a burden and they would be better off without me. I think sometimes I feel angry that nobody around me did anything even though they saw how I was struggling. At my post partum appointments I told them I was experiencing anxiety and depression and they didn’t recommend anything. My doctor said “don’t worry–you’ll be in a bikini in no time!” I looked down and didn’t even recognize my own stomach. Because of my daughters position by the end of labor, my scar was really lopsided and definitely not below a bikini line. When she got to about 8 or 9 months old I started to realize she needed a mom who could laugh, who could take her on playdates. I was taking good physical care of her, doing everything I could, but I was lacking in any joy. I found a therapist and later got on medication. I was pregnant again when she was 13 months old.
I wanted to try to have a VBAC and found a different doctor. Long story short, my uterus ruptured during my second labor, which was over 30 hours long. It was the most excruciating physical pain I have ever been in when it happened. I kept telling the nurse, something is wrong, there is pain between contractions, and nobody would listen to me. It’s been 18 months and I feel like I am still recovering. A lot of my friends are pregnant with their third baby. I would love to have a third baby but I just feel paralyzed by fear. It’s like there is something wrong with my body and childbirth. I know I would have to have a scheduled c section, probably at 37 weeks. I am scared of having a NICU baby again. But even more I have these visions of going into labor at home prematurely, home alone with my kids, and bleeding out.
- My partner took the baby in the car without me for the first time and as exhausted as I was I almost just went with them even though I needed a break because I was worried they would get in a car crash and die.
- Let me start with I love my now 10 month old daughter more than anything in this world. However it didn’t always seem that way. I found out I was pregnant while we were literally homeless after Hurricane Michael in 2018. It was unplanned, I was terrified and I had a really tough time with my pregnancy. It wasn’t hard, i just wasn’t feeling connected to being pregnant. I didn’t bond with my bump nor did I have that overwhelming in love feeling when I first saw my daughter when she was born. And I didn’t have that feeling until she was about 2 months old. Through time, lots of help from family, counseling and antidepressants I finally felt right again.
But now I’m so scared to have another baby. It’s not high on my list right now anyway but I’m scared to have a good experience the second time. I’m worried it will make it seem like I love my firstborn less if I’m happier and do all the things I wanted to do while I was pregnant the first time around. And with this feeling comes immense shame when I see other moms having multiple babies, close in age, and don’t seem to be struggling in the least.
- My dad died when I was 4 months pregnant and I was still in the depths of grieving when my son was born. I used to think “if something happens to my baby, I’ll just kill myself” because I couldn’t bear to think about losing him too. I genuinely found this comforting at the time.
- I spent most of my waking minutes silently thinking, “I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.”
- I am worried that my depression and anxiety will ruin my daughter’s childhood. I have attempted meds but they make me feel worse physically and mentally and because of my anxiety about taking meds I am afraid to try more. What if I pass out or get sick from the new medication and can’t take care of my baby? I have no one else here. It’s such a catch 22 because I want to feel better but my anxiety is evil and just keeps getting in the way. And my depression keeps me weighted down when I want her to experience so much in life.
- I did not fall in love with my baby the second he was born. I do not feel like I can say it because people may consider me a bad mother or a person with no feelings… I was happy to see him and glad that my long labor was over and I do love him now. However I cannot say that the minute I saw him I was feeling euphoric like you hear other women saying that it was the best moment of their lives. Now, I feel like he is someone I will love unconditionally for the rest of my life.
- I had a great pregnancy -no morning sickness. When she was born, she cried for almost an hour. The doctors checked her but nothing was wrong. She is not a very good nurser or sleeper. During the day, she only naps if I’m holding her or in her carrier. I feel like her hostage. I don’t know what I did to make her so unhappy. Being her mom makes me sad sometimes. If I would have known that I would have the “difficult baby”, I probably would’ve waited longer to have kids.
- One day I kept hearing her voice in my mind crying soo much and screaming and imagining her alone and suffering till something bad happens to her and no one is hearing her. I felt her pain of being alone and hopless.
- With my first child I got severe post natal anxiety, which then led to agoraphobia and went through hell and back trying to over come it. I finally am medication free for a year now, have a full time job and my son is now 4 . My partner and I decided it was time to have another baby and I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with our second son. Little did I know COVID-19 would hit I’d be stuck in the house for weeks and weeks on end ( my trigger) and I’m now back to having intrusive thoughts about dying CONSTANTLY. Dying from anything and everything , all I have on my mind is death and leaving my little boy with out his mummy and its heart breaking I will litterally sit there and sob for hours at the thought of leaving him. Which in turn is making me regret getting pregnant and resent the baby slightly. Its swings and round abouts one minute I’m so happy I’m pregnant feeling the Joy’s of his little feet kicking and the next minute death is in my thoughts and leaving my 4 year old and I’m wishing I was not pregnant. I am also gutted I feel myself majorly relapsing after all the hard work I put in with my anxiety , which once again makes me wish I wasn’t pregnant. I feel horrible and ungrateful and undeserving of this baby.
- Hi I have recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy he is now 6 months old. But I have recently started feeling really depressed and having horrible thought about me and sometimes my son like we are going to fall down the stairs when I’m carrying him and stuff all different types of things going through my head. It’s really scary but I know there is so many mums out there going through the same and we can all help each other.
- I will always tell her that there is no monster in the closet nor under the bed nor in the dark. Cause the monster is the one that feeds her, changes her nappie and brushes her hair. I will always tell her when she gets old enough to leave that she should. Far away and never look back. I will always tell her to be stronger than me so she can defend herself.
- Now that baby dad n i moved apart because he liked to pleasure himself 95% of the time without me and with the internet, 4 am, b4 i got home from work with the baby next to him..so sad. At home he did nothing but relax by smoking pot and who knows what other dope, right next to the baby…he wants baby on his nights off work and i cant help but freak out that hes getn baby high and doing molestation stuff on the internet. He says baby isnt worth the drive for day visits and we are not welcome where he stays an hour away. I cant believe this guy i fell in love with turned out like this! Im sure he thinks the same of me.
- I have been molested 3 different times as a child, and raped once as a teenager. I never told anyone and lived with it for years in the dark not knowing it was wrong. Until I had my son 2 years ago, everything came out. Diagnosed with PPD/PPA turned into Bipolar D&A….I constantly have Horrible thoughts asking myself if Ill turn into a sexual predator?? Will someone I trust molest my son if I’m not around?? And to Be careful don’t touch him inappropriately down there when whipping or taking him a bath!
- It took me months to admit I have PPD, my son is 8 months old. I was afraid to be left alone with him. I had thoughts of hurting him, I had thoughts of abandoning him, I love him so much, we tried for 4 years to get a baby… one thing I wish people warned me about was how fucking hard it is. Especially when your husband doesn’t help out. I resent my husband.. now that my son is older things are starting to get easier. But those thoughts linger in the background sometimes… will it ever really go away?
- What if I don’t get up and check on a sound I heard and something was wrong? I’ll find them in the morning and realize I could have saved their life.
- As difficult as this is to write, I have had 3 children. My first born, and then my second son was stillborn at 36 weeks, my daughter, who was born after him gives me an immense amount of anxiety daily. From her early days I had a very difficult time taking care of her or my son due to be so depressed. I had thoughts of wanting to throw her in a trash can because I could not handle the cries at night or how it made me feel mentally. Still to this day, when she cries I grow anxious inside. She was 9 months before I bathed her alone for the first time due to being so scared she would die. She’s now 10 months, My family makes fun of me cutting up her food so small, but what they don’t understand is that I have legitimate thoughts of her choking and dying. I’ve come so far but still to this day I am so overwhelmed taking care of my own children: which often is so horrifying or embarrassing for me to admit. Even things like driving in the car, just to places in town, have recently given me such anxiety because I fear we will die in an accident. If my husband isn’t home or leaves for more than an hour or two I worry if I will be able to do it alone. I sometimes call him screaming or crying because I just don’t think I can take care of them a minute longer. I wish I could be okay; but I’m not fully there right now. I know I’m moving in the right direction but it takes time and I have days where I regress. I don’t know if my husband or family will ever fully understand. I am lucky my husband steps up the plate everyday to fill the voids I’m not capable of giving our family right now. I’m strong and know I’ll be where I need to be someday and hopefully soon. I won’t ever stop fighting for my mental health or my family.
- I’m so afraid someone is going to sexually abuse my daughter. Of my scariest thoughts this is the most frequent one. Sometimes when I think it I begin to cry. My husband will ask what’s wrong but I’m afraid to share with him what is on my mind.
- Worrying that my husband will get into a car wreck with both girls and I’ll be alone in a house full of their stuff. I can see myself walking through the house, looking at the clothes they had just worn the day before, opening the refrigerator and seeing my youngests unfinished bottle. Having to pump just a little bit to relieve pain from engorgement, having to donate my frozen milk.
- That my 4 year old will accidentally kill my 4 month old by playing too rough while she’s lying in her pack n play or sitting in her activity chair. And afterwards never being able to forgive her even though I know she’d never do anything to hurt her sister on purpose.
- I keep thinking that if I tell my partner or anyone that I’m hurting so much and have been thinking about hurting myself or running away, that someone will come and take away my baby. So I hide my feelings for fear that I’ll be exposed as a bad mom and be left with nothing. Right now the only thing that is keeping me going is my little one, I love her so much but am so scared of myself.
- Who will look after my babies if I died whilst they were so little. I have big dreams for them and I know their dad and our families wouldn’t have the potential to see it through.
- Sometimes I think that if my baby would die from an illness that I would feel relief and I could go back to my old life.
- What if I get distracted or daydream and my baby drowns in the bath.
- After my first child was born, I remember holding him in his second floor bedroom in the middle of the night while he cried for what seemed like forever. I had this image of myself throwing him out the window and him hitting the driveway below. (It terrified me because I would never hurt him).
Now with my second baby at home, I keep having repeated visions of dropping him on the floor. I also find myself constantly worrying about something being “wrong” with him, like a flat head or a fever or just any little thing. The anxiety is constant.
- I’m scared that someone will steal my baby and I also constantly check on her when she’s asleep just to make sure she is breathing.
- I had sever OCD during pregnancy, and although the OCD had always been there, it was extremely exacerbated by pregnancy hormones. I feared EVERYTHING. I became a germaphobe and used to take hours to make a sandwich, ensuring I didn’t do anything unhygienic that would end up killing my baby. Even writing this makes me fear that I’ve set something in motion. I googled every possible pregnancy complication and was certain I would experience them and could not relax until I had a live healthy baby. I felt huge relief once she was born and the hormones calmed down, however the anxiety was always underlying – SIDS, illnesses, vaccinations, then as she gets older, it’s more about kidnappings, paedophiles etc, as well as getting seriously ill from touching dirt. I also get intrusive thoughts when sleep deprived and if she wakes up in the night (which is now rare), such as being violent. Thankfully because I am well versed in how OCD works, I can rest assured that i know these are only thoughts driven by anxiety and stress/fatigue and I would NEVER do such a thing.
- I feel invisible. Nobody cares about me anymore, they only care about my child. It sounds selfish I know. I’m glad my child is loved and paid attention too, but man I want to be seen and heard to! Too often at these events I find myself questioning if every one would even miss me if I was gone. As soon as I start feeling confident again, I go to someone’s house and the feelings come back like a flood. What if they would be better off without me?
- My anxiety often manifests as rage and I get so angry. My girls have done nothing wrong but I get anxious, then shout in rage and am terrified that my babies will be adults with issues like myself because I can’t be more balanced for them. I will be the reason they suffer, it will all be my fault.
- Before having my daughter, I knew very little about pp. I had been diagnosed as a young teen with anxiety, depression, SAD, PTSD and more recently bipolar. I don’t take anything and haven’t seen a therapist since my last one moved to another state about 9 years ago. My daughter was my miracle baby. We tried 3 1/2 years and were blessed with the sweetest baby girl. She was born at 35 weeks and weighed just 4lbs. Before her arrival, it seemed there was lots of support and excitement and then after about 2 weeks, everyone disappeared…. This was my first pregnancy and I don’t have friends or close family so it was really difficult in the beginning. I was a new mom to a premature baby with no experience and no support to guide me in any “right” direction. I missed out on breastfeeding my first baby because of how badly I was treated at the hospital due to being discriminated. I was lost and needed someone, any one at that point to just tell me I was doing an ok job. My daughters birth into this world was a bit traumatic for me and since day one, it has just been her and I. She’s 8 months old now and some days feel like I’ve traveled back in time to the unbearable first 2 weeks she was home. I have loved every minute of taking care of my daughter but I have not loved of every minute of being a new mother. My partner is around but he’s gone 12+ hours a day and gets home after we’re asleep. Some days I wonder if there’s other women as alone as me. I try to keep it together every day for this amazing blessing I brought into this world but with the combination of pp and all my other metal illnesses, it’s really f*cking hard. If you know a new mama, please call her and just tell her you love her and know she’s doing the best she can especially during these tough time we’re looking facing. I wish my family and partner understood or at least heard my calls, some days all I really need is a silent hug.
- I don’t have overwhelming love for my son. It hurts my soul, what kind of mother feels this way?
- I love my daughter more than anything, but my anxiety has been so bad lately that I feel like I’m being tortured from the inside out. When I feel that way, I sometimes think I made a mistake having her and that my life is ruined.
- I’m constantly suicidal, but I put on a fake face and try to keep it that way because I know i have a mouth to feed. My sons dad left me for a man while I was 6months pregnant and he told me he hoped I relapsed on herion because I could never offer a child what they need.
- I’m constantly suicidal, but I put on a fake face and try to keep it that way because I know i have a mouth to feed. My sons dad left me for a man while I was 6months pregnant and he told me he hoped I relapsed on herion because I could never offer a child what they need.
- I was standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross and thought what if I suddenly go mad and push her pram infront of the oncoming traffic 🙁 she was only weeks old. On my second night in hospital after having her was the first time she really locked onto my eyes. I remember being convinced it was my dead dads eyes looking straight into my soul. EVERY night I cry before I lay down because I’m convinced she will die and I’ll wake up and find her cold and blue. Even with a breathing monitor I wake up every 10 mins or so to check her.
- During our bedtime routine we have massage, bath, bottle and play a sleep playlist for her to fall asleep to, Theres 2 songs that every time they come on I think ‘I will play this at her funeral’ I’m so utterly convinced I’m going to lose her 🙁
- Recurring nightmare that after my c section I fell into a coma (or died) & this first year with my baby has all been a dream. I wake from the coma to learn that he doesnt exist, I’m not really a mum & all the happiness I’ve felt is dead too.
I’ve had so much anxiety and fear about losing him. It took years to get him & really difficult ivf journey.
- Thoughts that after I am asleep at night, my house will catch fire and we will be burnt. The scariest being able to feel the pain and fear my children will feel when this happens.
- Me and my husband will die in the house and no one will realise in time to be able to save her and she will die alone, slowly, hungry and crying and scared wondering why her mum and dad aren’t helping her.
- So I just had my 3rd baby. I never felt this way with my other two kids but I am so afraid of leaving her. I wont let anyone watch her and I havent been away from her once. I’m so scared that if shes with anyone else I will lose her. Sometimes I think if I leave her she will die and other times I think someone is gonna take her. I cant sleep at night without waking up constantly to check on her or waking up from nightmares that she died…
- I can distinctly remember my first of many scary thoughts. It was week two of postpartum and I was only sleeping about 2-3 hours / day for fear my newborn daughter would stop breathing or die of SIDS. My husband was at work and I was home alone with her. I was holding her as I walked back and forth in the living trying to burp her after breastfeeding. The thought: ” I should just throw her over the balcony.” I was mortified and stunned. I didn’t know where this idea came from. It happened again the next day. By day three I was terrified to be left home with her for fear I would act on my thoughts. I was ashamed to tell my family and friends. I knew if I told my obstetrician the police would take my child away. But I had to tell someone. So I told my husband. He reacted calmly and non judgemental. He stayed home from work for 3 days to monitor me. He gave me space and time to breathe. The thoughts decreased in frequency and eventually vanished. Now and than I have visions of her being injured but I rebuke the thought and replace it with a positive one.
- Car accidents… over and over while driving. I look back to him in the mirror and something will just force itself into my mind and I’ll picture a car t-boning us on his side and him being unconscious and me surviving and screaming and trying to save him.
- Had my third baby during the COVID-19 pandemic and just the thought of any of my kids getting sick scares me so much. I started to have nightmares of my older daughters dying or not being in their beds at night. My baby being cold as ice when I wake up in the morning. My anxiety is so bad I can’t eat without having the baby in my eyesight, I need to be able to see him breathing. My girls are tried of me panicking over them touching their eyes because I automatically think their sick already. When I stress out a lot I get thoughts in my head of vanishing from this world but my kids are the only thing keeping me going. I get so scared if I die who is going to watch over them.
- My mom took off and abandoned myself and my father when I was 4. Needless to say we have a very mild, unattached relationship.
Becoming a mother at 37, has been one of the most amazing yet scary things I have ever done(more than the average woman I think).
My daughter (6 months) is a high-needs and spirited baby. I love her something fierce but my god some days are so incredibly difficult. This morning when she was fighting her nap like usual, I said out loud, “I know why my mom left, I can’t handle this”. I cannot believe I said this. This is exactly what I DONT want to be. I’m so ashamed.
- I have two under two and my second pregnancy was horrible and so was my delivery. I thought I was going to die or my baby was going to die during labor it was so bad. I was sleep deprived and getting frustrated I was scared I was going to hurt my kids. Now things are getting better but the anxiety is still there. I’m afraid I’ll wake up and my youngest will be dead because she likes to sleep on her stomach. We have a big trip that I may have to do alone with the both of them and I’m scared I may crash or get hit. I’m scared I’ll get robbed or my kids will get kidnapped. I’m scared my youngest will be in her car seat too long and die of asphyxiation. I’m scared we’re going to be followed. I don’t think I can’t do it but I may not have a choice.
- I’m stuck in a cycle of “please, someone help me with the baby, please take him for an hour so I can rest,” and “don’t touch him, he is mine, you will hurt him and it will be my fault for being so careless and not being able to do it on my own.” At least if I hold him and drop him, it’s my fault. If someone else does, I’ll still be blamed for not holding my own baby, how could I be so stupid to let someone else? It’s my fault no matter what happens. I’m to blame.
- I had a recurring thought of me twisting and breaking my baby’s neck whilst I was feeding her during those endless small hours of the night when I was so exhausted and couldn’t see a way out.
- I fear that when I’m not around, my baby will get hurt. I struggle with leaving her in ANYONE else’s care because they are not as vigilant and hands on as I am. I can’t turn the fearful thoughts off. I can’t rest or catch a break from them…
- I always have conversations in my head with ambulance crews on the phone as I always think my children are going to get injured even by a small bang or bump , I go through the conversation in my head on how to tell my family that they are no longer here even though they are fine.
- I’ve had moments where I picture my baby dying. Not always natural, sometimes graphic and unrealistic and it gives me instant anxiety and terrifies me. The other day, the thought of us being at the store and being shot popped in my head. I also can’t stop the thought that I’ll die, and my husband and family will be left to care for her and won’t know how to.
- I had so many scary thoughts that felt awful, when I was really poorly with post natal depression I had visions of throwing my baby into a river, pushing the pushchair into an oncoming bus putting a bag over her head. They were sickening and so graphic I’d feel sick. I had thoughts about doing things to myself when I was admitted to a mother and baby unit my unwanted thoughts really intensified, I visualised drinking the alcohol gel, slitting my wrists with my razor that I had with me stabbing my self with my tweezers. Basically anything that I could see around me I wanted to turn into something to cause me harm.
- Baby falling out of my arms & down the stairs.
- When my daughter goes near a screen window upstairs I picture her pushing it and falling out of the window, smashing onto the pavement and dying. My husband doesn’t understand why I am so petrified of her being near the windows upstairs. I won’t allow the window to be open at night while she’s sleeping in her room alone. She’s 4 and should know better, I just can’t help but imagine it happen.
- Being a mom of twins I can’t help but feel my anxiety x100. what if I can’t take care of both at the same time? Will they grow to hate me because I had to leave one crying for a little while, while I took care of his brother? I’m sorry your screaming and feel alone in your bassinet and it breaks my heart but I can only do so much by myself. My worst nightmare is one passing away from SIDS and they take away my other baby because it proves I’m a terrible mother and shouldn’t have any children. I look at them and I cry because I can’t be a complete mom to both kids at the same time. Why is parenting so hard? Why did I have twins? I only wanted one child…I feel blessed but cursed at the same time. How am I going to do this? Sometimes I wish that I could just go to sleep and not wake up because maybe they’ll find a better mom to take care of them. I love them and I want the best for them and maybe it’s not me.
- I love my daughter but my life fell apart after I got pregnant with her, I went broke, failed grad school classes, lost my job, covid19, you name it….. Now I’m still trying to put my life back together because things haven’t gotten better,and have a newborn on top of that. Most days I want to just disappear or drop dead. I’m chained to this baby and I hate myself for the way my life turned out.
- I pictured her tiny lifeless little body floating face down in my toddler’s kiddy pool…
- After I brought my son home from the NICU with a clean bill of health, I was convinced he would stop breathing in the night. I’d stay up all night counting his breath and calculating his respiration rate. I did this for over six months.
- What if someone takes my baby from me and throws her in a body of water and holds me back from saving her? What if I crash into a body of water and I can’t get her out of her carseat?
- I never had suicidal thoughts but I fantasized about leaving my husband and kids and disappearing somewhere far away. I honestly thought they would be better off without me.
- We stayed in a vacation house with my in-laws. The house was built on a hill and had windows near the floor that overlooked a patio far below. If the widows were open I was paranoid my kids would fall through so I kept them closed despite the heat. If I wasn’t in the room, I was paranoid someone else had opened the windows without keeping a close eye on the kids and they would fall. No one else seemed very concerned, which made me even more terrified that they would carelessly open a window and my baby would crawl right out.
- What if I’m giving her a bath while home alone and something happens to me and she’s left in the tub all alone, wiggles off her tub, and drowns? What if I’m eating something and start choking and die and she’s on the couch/somewhere high,rolls off and gets severely injured and no one finds her for hours? What if while I’m standing next to a railing she wiggles and falls out of my arms from a couple stories up?
- I keep seeing images of myself throwing my crying baby against the wall.
- I have had visions of sexual things happening to my daughter or to other children. I was terrified that these thoughts were/are a sign that I’m a pedophile, and it caused me a lot of stress about a year, year and a half, ago. I talked to my mom about it, bcs I was scared, but I realized that this kind of evil happens all the time, and that I’m thinking from a pedophile’s view point as a way of safety or preparation. I hope this is true, bcs I still freak out some times. I’m getting anxiety while typing this. But I’ve never had sexual thoughts about kids. I am super aware if they are in a vulnerable state, and it makes me uncomfortable bcs I know that vulnerable state can be seen as opportunity to a predator. Like, when I’m changing my daughter’s poopy diaper and I have to get the poo out of her folds, she fights and resist, and I freak out thinking she’s thinking I’m abusing her. And then that can start a whole train of intrusive, explicit thoughts, like, does she get abused at daycare, etc. I just can’t stand it, bcs these thoughts still randomly cross my mind from time to time. I don’t believe I am a child molester, but I AM going to be uncomfortable and maybe awkward if your son or daughter is running around without a diaper on, or if your young daughter is dressed like a young adult, like, toddlers with tube tops on and little booty shorts/diaper cover. I’m aware of what can be seen as attracting to a child molester, and THAT makes me uncomfortable and worries me.
- That I will get to overwhelmed with 4 kids ages 7 yrs to 3wks old. Will I take my frustration out on them. Will I psychologically damage them. Will I be too overwhelmed with life that I miss their signs of distress and need for love and attention. Will I fail all my kids?
What is someone close by hurts them? Who can I trust to babysit? Will I ever get time for myself if I dont trust anyone? How can we afford this many kids?
- I had a nightmare that my mom accidentally killed my baby by dropping her. Then I chopped up her corpse and put the pieces in a big Tupperware container in the fridge. I have flashbacks of this nightmare at random times during the day even though it happened months ago. The images that keep replaying in my mind are her milky lifeless eyes and brains falling out onto the floor when I cut her skull open. I’m horrified that I even imagined such a terrible thing. I love my baby so much that I would die for her. I thought that there was something seriously wrong with me until I found this website.
- I’m worried my 3yo already needs therapy from when I was a rage monster before being medicated. I am so much more calm with my second baby and desperately wish I could start over with my first. He deserves a better babyhood.
- I was always afraid of my boyfriend taking the baby in the other room while the baby was crying. He’s a great father and would never hurt our son, but he gets stressed when he cries. I was so scared thinking he was in the other room choking him or smacking him or one day I’m going to hear a loud noise caused by him throwing the baby down or into the wall. Again, he would NEVER do this.
- I was/am absolutely terrified about SIDS. I have had dreams where i have woken up to find her cold and lifeless. Which in turn wakes me up in tears with me dragging my sleeping bubs out of her bed to sit and cuddle and cry with her. In saying that shes loving the extra feed and snuggles lol
- Before I had my babies I had been involved in work which caused me to come into contact with detailed descriptions of child sexual abuse. After I had my first son I started getting awful intrusive thoughts/images/sounds of him being abused in the same way as the cases I had read. Certain cries triggered it the most and then as he got older they would be triggered the most if he was crying/resisting getting undressed when getting changed or ready for the bath. I would never force him if he didn’t want to but sometimes my husband would still try and change him. The thoughts/sounds/images were terrible and so vivid. I’ve had another baby 5 months ago and they’ve started again. I tried to explain these to a child health nurse and she just didn’t get it. She thought I was experiencing thoughts of me abusing the boys. But mine are different… it’s not me who’s doing it, but I can still visualise it and hear it like it’s actually happening. They break my heart and make me feel like I can’t breath. I try to remind myself that they’re not actually happening and the boys are safe but then this little voice comes in and whispers ‘yes, but that has happened to a child and you know it.
- I don’t often miss my children when they are away from me. Sometimes when they come home I feel dread and wonder how I’m going to mom up when I just feel so depleted.
- I have just found out that I am pregnant. I’m 23 years old and i don’t know if I’m ready to be a mom. The love of my life and i weren’t trying but we definitely weren’t being careful. I guess we thought it would take longer but it only took a few months. I’ve always wanted to be a mommy but i do t know if I’m ready yet. Deciding to get an abortion is one of the scariest thoughts I’ve ever had. To think i won’t ever get to meet this baby here on earth if i do that. I’m just conflicted and have no one i can turn to.
- I have always had crazy thoughts of anything terrible happening to my daughter or husband once i became a mother. Fire, accidents, sickness, basically anything that resulted in me gasping out loud and questioning my own mind. It would just come and go every so often. It wasn’t untill my second pregnancy that i have these crazy vivid thoughts every single night about my house catching on fire while I was asleep and how i wouldn’t be able to reach my daughter. Or i would have thoughts about someone breaking into my house to kidnap her. Every night I would check my stove and the burners, make sure every window and door is locked. For fire thoughts it got to the point where im scared of every day objects being plugged in. Like my daughters night light, and how it would just start an electrical fire in her room and if the tv is on while i sleep i wouldn’t be able to hear the alarm go off and she would be dead. It got to point where i had my 4 year old sleep in bed with me because atleast if we are in the same room i can have a better chance of saving her.
- When my son was first born, images of him hanging from a noose would bombard my mind at any point in the day when I was trying to rest and take a break. It was awful. That image has thankfully mostly subsided, but now I have scary thoughts about just about any sharp object, hard surface, or new environment that he enters. It’s exhausting.
- Wanting to squeeze his tiny body and break his arms and elbows when he won’t go to sleep. I imagine him as a disabled adult and having to tell others of his abuse.
- I needed to know where both my baby and toddler were at all times because I had intrusive visions and thoughts about accidentally leaving one of them in the bathtub and they would drown.
- I’m hit by a car, bus or truck while baby-wearing. I can see his little skull disconnecting from his spine on impact. My consolation is he would die instantly. If we both die, I imagine my husband being left behind to raise my toddler. I imagine her growing up without me. The well-being of these three precious people absolutely consumes me.
- I had awful postpartum anxiety. I would have intrusive thoughts about kicking my child while she sat in her bouncer. I would see images of stabbing her, dropping her. I feared she would be taken away from me, that I would lose my mind and everyone would know and I’d be sent away. I felt as if she could feel my anxiety and it was bad for her. I didn’t want to hold her for 2 weeks for fear i would hurt her. Then switched it up and never wanted to put her down.
- My son is almost 3. Every time I take his picture I know it will be the last picture I ever take of him. Every time I leave him alone with his grandparents or downstairs with his dad while I shower, I know in my heart I’ll never see him again. I hear him screaming when I have the water running. I hear my husband calling for me telling me that my son is choking and he doesn’t know what to do. None of it is actually real, but in the moment it is very real.
- My mind keeps throwing her off the balcony. I imagine giving her away to someone better. I always imagined having many kids and now I’m not sure I should have even had one.
- Every single time I try to sleep I imagine my baby dying in different ways. She’s one now and well, will these thoughts ever stop?! It’s really disturbing, I pictured her being thrown out the window, she got ran over by a truck, eaten by a big dog, chopped into bits.. the latest one what made me look up this site is falling down the escalator and she gets stuck between the blades. We’re going on holiday next week and I was just planning our route through the airport. -escalators. I have to shout at myself STOP! STOP! STOP this madness! Why is my mind torturing me like this? My baby means the world to me. I’m considering asking for help, I can’t catch a break of these terrors 🙁
- When he wont stop crying or just wont go to sleep or keeps waking up from sleep and i cant get a break i think about what would happen if he rolled over and suffocated or if a blanket would be near his face and i imange him not breathing.
- Thoughts of shaking my baby to death and picturing their lifeless body in my arms. Brings absolute disgust and anguish even writing this to be even having thoughts like this. Also had thoughts of me falling with the baby, SIDS, baby falling off t
- After 7 nights without more than 45 minutes sleep at a time, I imagined making my baby stop screaming by holding the blanket over her face.
- Does my mom rage make me abusive? I yell, throw toys across the room and then cry and beg my children to forgive me. Is this how they’ll remember me? Have I broken them already?
- I kept thinking I would hurt my baby, unintentionally. Like I would drop a pot of boiling water on her, hit her with a pan or swerve into traffic. I also had nightmares that my child was being molested.
- Our apartment is on the second floor. Any time someone holds my son on the deck (including myself), I imagine him being accidentally dropped over the railing, and plunging to his death. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I have this thought. I have fears that I don’t love my son enough. I worry that I wanted to be pregnant, not actually have a child. I feel guilty that I often wish I could go back to being pregnant. I feel guilty that I miss time with just my husband, and that I miss my free time. I’m worried that sometimes I feel a tinge of regret. I imagine my son knowing that I feel this way, and that he feels heartbroken and unloved. I took antidepressants during pregnancy AND still experienced awful panic attacks while pregnant. I’m worried that I messed him up for life – that he’ll suffer from mental disorders because of my own stress level and medication while pregnant. I compulsively wash my hands, and can’t even use lotion, because I’m worried that he’ll accidentally ingest something toxic and then get horribly ill and die. I imagine that the lotion on my hands would get on his pacifier, or on my breast while nursing, and then indirectly get in his mouth and cause harm.
- It was the middle of the night and I was having trouble breastfeeding my just weeks old son. He would just cry and I would cry. I thought about throwing him against a wall, which scared me so much. So I held onto him even tighter and woke up my husband to take him from me. I felt so scared and ashamed.
- I have vivid, graphic thoughts about my baby getting a head injury. Falling and hitting her head, getting stepped on and her head getting crushed, or someone hitting her head on the corner of a wall when they’re carrying her. I am so so careful with her head but these thoughts creep into my mind when I least expect it. I feel so guilty when she even slightly bumps her head while rolling over or playing. I just want to get these made up images out of my head.
- I am obsessed with thoughts of my baby being sexually abused. I have no idea why. I don’t like men (FIL, my moms BF, my brother in-law) to change her diaper or even be alone with her. The thought of a male putting diaper cream on her freaks me out. She’s a baby so she can’t talk and she won’t be able to tell me if something is wrong and that bothers me. I don’t like leaving her because I don’t know how she’s being treated while I’m away.
- I keep hallucinating things at night when I’m trying to fall asleep – hands reaching into the bassinet to take him, blood all over him in the middle of the night, or him in bed with us not breathing. My husband tells me not to obsess over the thoughts, but I can’t help it. Some nights it’s easier to stay awake all night watching him than close my eyes and see some of the things I see.
- I used to be terrified that I would intentionally hurt one of my babies (twins). There was so much pressure on me to recover from my csection as fast as possible. My husband got one week off work (unpaid). After that, I felt like I had to be a supermom. I felt like I had to do it all. Every diaper. Every feeding. The pressure got to me. I began to resent the twins. I had constant judging coming from my mother in law, she offered every piece of unwanted parenting advice you can imagine. I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. I constantly thought about how much easier it would be of we only had one kid. I scared myself with those thoughts.
- I’m afraid to sleep at night when it’s just me and my baby and my husband’s at work. I’m afraid she’ll choke while I’m asleep or someone will break in and take her or I’ll roll over her and she’ll suffocate. Or something will happen to me while I’m asleep and won’t wake up. And then I’m too exhausted in the morning. It’s a viscous cycle.
- The thought of going back to work is also making me anxious because then I’ll have to take care of the baby AND work and I’m not sure if I can do it all. My husband doesn’t want to get help, but he’s not helping me either. He’s sleeping during the day and goes to the office at night, and then drinks during the wkends. I sometimes feel resentful towards him because his lifestyle before and after having a baby didn’t change at all. I tried to tell him my worries but he said at least I’m gonna be working from home unlike him, so it should be easy.
I just feel so sad sometimes.
- So so so many scary thoughts from throwing her into the fire, to us falling into the sea and drowning, to breaking her neck holding her uncomfortably. But the worst was someone abusing and injuring her while changing her nappy or looking at her inappropriately as I changed her so I insisted on only being the one to do it and no one being around. That was the worst because it would play out so vividly.
- My son was premature and we spent a month in the NICU. Sometimes while I was holding him, I’d have this repetitive thought and flash of me throwing him down on the ground like a football. It was so disturbing because I didn’t want to hurt my baby but the thoughts kept coming. Once we were home, I still had those thoughts and also I thought if I fell asleep he’d die. I thought if I slept, I’d wake up and find his cold body in the bassinet. I was so ashamed, I didn’t tell anyone. Finally I talked to my OB and got on meds.
- I have depression and anxiety. I’m going through an illness. I spend most of the time home alone with my two year old and can’t go anywhere. My depression is very bad right now and I wish we could both just disappear or that I never had a baby in the first place. People tell me I’m a good mom but I feel like I’m constantly failing and damaging her.
- I’m afraid to tell anyone about my scary thoughts because I’m paranoid my significant other will use them to take custody of our child.
- With my second child, I started having scary thoughts pretty soon as her birth. Everytime she needed a diaper change, I pictured slamming her down on the changing table. I felt horrible. I knew I would never actually do it, but the thoughts were so persistent. And with a newborn, diaper changes are constant. So my scary thoughts kept coming. I was already seeing a therapist, but was scared to tell her what I was thinking. I thought if I said my scary thoughts out loud, she would have to report me or something. At the end of a session, I finally told her about the changing table images I was having. I was so nervous. First, she said that she was really glad that I told her. She explained that these kinds of thoughts can happen, but it doesn’t mean I would actually hurt my baby. She comforted me, and explained what postpartum OCD was. I’m so glad I said something, because I had no idea about anything other than postpartum depression.
- With my second child, I started having scary thoughts pretty soon as her birth. Everytime she needed a diaper change, I pictured slamming her down on the changing table. I felt horrible. I knew I would never actually do it, but the thoughts were so persistent. And with a newborn, diaper changes are constant. So my scary thoughts kept coming. I was already seeing a therapist, but was scared to tell her what I was thinking. I thought if I said my scary thoughts out loud, she would have to report me or something. At the end of a session, I finally told her about the changing table images I was having. I was so nervous. First, she said that she was really glad that I told her. She explained that these kinds of thoughts can happen, but it doesn’t mean I would actually hurt my baby. She comforted me, and explained what postpartum OCD was. I’m so glad I said something, because I had no idea about anything other than postpartum depression.
- My brain is busting. I need my children to go to school but every time I picture them going to school I imagine them getting sick and dying. And getting me sick and then we are all suffering. I could never forgive myself if I send them to school and something terrible happens.
- I have horrible thoughts of shaking him or hurting him in some way when he won’t stop crying in the night and all I want to do is sleep. Then I feel guilty for having those thoughts and end up crying myself.
- While baby was crying, I imagined throwing my baby across the room or out the window. When I was having an especially hard time I imagined either slitting my wrist or crashing my car into a light pole.
- I was so terrified to get post partum psychosis that I was petrified to hold knives or give my baby a bath because I thought something would take control of me and make me hurt my baby.
- My ppd manifests as rage. I get angry all the time at my partner, he’s an amazing dad, I just can’t understand why I am so angry. I stay awake all night watching my baby because I am scared of what could happen while I sleep. I cry randomly and start hating my life. I feel guilty for not giving my son a happier mom… I stressed myself out so much my milk supply tanked and I can’t get it back. I feel like I’m drowning all the time, and nobody really sees it.
- i’m not a mother but my mom recently gave birth to my baby brother 6 months ago and i keep imagining these horrible thoughts of ways he can die. like in a fire, starvation if somehow we died, or i imagine myself slapping and throwing him as if he was a doll. even as far as thinking of a zombie apocalypse and i get bit and devour him and i think about how much he’d cry. or if he was somehow left behind and just cried and cried until he eventually dies.
- I picture awful things happening to my son, and I’ll start crying my eyes out because I feel so helpess. Sometimes I feel like he deserves a better life and a better mom. He deserves everything I can’t give him… and I always feel guilty for not being good enough.
- Tonight while I’m going through my sons bedtime routine.. i lay there nursing him rubbing his arm as he is touching my face. I have this instant anxiety of what would happen if he were taken from me. What would I do if I couldn’t lay here an stare at him as he falls asleep. I started crying as the fear crept over me. I know he felt my anxiety because he opened his eyes an touched my cheek. Then when I went to lay him in his crib he grabbed on to me so tight an laid his head on my shoulder. Will I always have these thoughts? I barely will go out with him alone because of my fears. I know I can’t keep him in the house all the time but this is my safe place an im so scared all the time. I am working from home most of the days lately an when we are in the house I arm my house because of how nervous I am.
- I avoid standing too close to the stair railing on the second floor or too close to the edge of the balcony because I keep getting an image of him falling out of my hands. It’s worse with my first born, who’s now much older. I get anxious whenever she gets sick, that she will die of pneumonia. The thoughts of her getting hit by a car when she’s playing in the front yard haunt me every time.
- With sex trafficking being brought to light recently, I constantly have intrusive thoughts about someone sexually assaulting my 9 month old daughter.
- I lived in the nicu with my baby for 7 1/2 months. I seen him go through so many procedures, almost die numerous times and scream in silent pain because he had no voice from having a breathing tube. I held my baby boy in my arms until I said I was ready to let him go. I had to choose the time he died. I keep reliving that very monent in my head and it gets more vivid and traumatic each time. Four years had passed and I found out I was pregnant. I knew the risks and was prepared for the worst but since I knew in advance what I had problems with in the past I thought I would be able to conquer this pregnancy. My first pregnancy I had preeclampsia and had to deliver at 27 weeks. I had a great pregnancy my second time and was healthy up until 30 weeks. I thought I was home free after I passed 27 weeks but I wasn’t. I started to go downhill at 30 weeks and was hospitalized until 32 weeks and was forced to deliver. I wasn’t too worried because I knew the baby was healthy and would be more developed than my last. My baby was born with no major problems, he weighed 4#11 oz. I was so happy but also scared because I knew how premature babies can go from good to bad in a second. We were only in the nicu for one month. I was able to take my baby home! I was so thankful and everything was perfect. I felt like it was too good to be true, how did I get to take my baby home with no problems. I worried and stressed a lot and everyone told me to relax and not to worry. On my baby’s 4 mo birthday he had a fever and got ill very fast. We went to the er and had many tests done and waited for results. The very last test came back positive for Strep. B – I had never heard of it and was never tested for it because I had a c section at 32 weeks. We were in the hospital for a week and then came home with a picc line and I had to give him the rest of his treatment at home. His treatment went well and his picc came out and I thought it was going to be normal again. 3 days later I have noticed my baby is not himself! I took him to the er because he had been sleeping way too much and I could not even get him to wake up after 8 hrs of deep sleep. The Er sent us home and said he’s fine. I am now at home with him and still think something is not right. He is crying and swallowing funny and can not stay asleep for very long. Everyone is telling me I am worrying too much and I need to not be so paranoid. I was told I am comparing him to my baby who passed and I am thinking bad thoughts because of that. I don’t compare him to my last baby but the memories do come back and I don’t want to have to have another funeral for a child. I am just so overwhelmed and do t know when it’s ok to let my baby cry, act different, look different, before I ask for help?!
- My toddler’s room is across the house from our bedroom, and I’m terrified that if I sleep at night, I won’t hear if someone tries to break in and kidnap him or that it will be too late by the time I realize it…and that I’ll go into his room in the morning to find that he just disappeared forever, and I’ll never know what kind of sick person has him or what they’re doing to him and I’ll just be powerless.
So I just sit awake all night in the living room so I can feel like I’m protecting him. I usually finally fall asleep when the sun starts to rise..
- We have a figurine of a mother holding her newborn baby, and I keep it on a shelf in the hallway. The shelf rattles sometimes from the water heater on the other side of the wall, and the figurine fell over. But I was convinced it was a sign that meant something. Like I was going to drop dead and my children would grow up without a mother and my whole family would fall apart.
- Every time we go on a walk, I’m certain a car in our neighborhood will intentionally run us down and kill us. I get such a vivid image in my head of us dying and the stroller crushing and my children screaming.
- I am very relaxed in general but have intrusive thoughts of dogs mauling my baby to death or somehow we end up in fast moving water and she is swept from my arms and I am helpless to save her.
- Every time something bad happens or I watch the news, I instantly want to leave this world and take my son with me. I constantly think someone will hurt him or take him from me and my only way of preventing this is for us both to leave earth. I know I wouldn’t do it, but the thoughts are so intrusive. I feel like heaven is the only safe place for us.
- Right now, it’s just me and my daughter at home, and every day I have the thought in the back of my head of “what if I die suddenly?” I often think of her dying, too, but I’m terrified of dying suddenly in the house and leaving her alone to scream and cry and eventually die alone and scared in our house because no one knew to check on us.
- I was molested by my sister at a young age and now I worry what if I molest my own child. I worry about inappropriately touching her in any way. I think what if I’m like my sister.
- I was afraid to shower because I thought my baby wouldn’t be able to smell “Mom” anymore.
- I fantasized about dropping my newborn off at a fire station and telling family he had died- just
To get some sleep. I would never harm my children but I have some understanding of how badly it can get now and I have sympathy for moms who have been arrested for harming their kids. They were suffering too.
- Sometimes I want to hit my daughter because I can’t handle her crying any longer. I never do, but the thoughts are still there.
- I have times where I don’t believe my baby actually exists. I see her and feel her in my arms but I truly cannot believe the feedback my body gives me. I constantly worry about her when she sleeps. I go to bed with a light on and my glasses on. I have to say goodnight to my husband first and then my baby. If he says he loves me after this I will respond but then have to tell my baby straight after. If I don’t I’m convinced something bad will happen. I think about cutting my arms or hands with a knife whenever I use them even though I know I wouldn’t actually do it. I see my husband constantly dropping my daughter on the floor whenever he holds her or stands up with her. So much so he is now only allowed to pick her up in one way. I fear someone will come and burgle the house whilst we’re in it and stab my husband or kill my cat. I fear walking with her outside in case a car mounts the curb or I lose control of the pushchair. I think the cat will sit on her and suffocate her. I think she will choke on her vomit. I fear she will fit if I don’t monitor her temperature. Worst of all I don’t think I’m good enough or able to protect her from all the dangers of the world. I feel like the biggest failure for this.
- I suffered bad PND after my first born, I would go days with no sleep in the fears she would die, noone could have her and I would put on a front if anyone was holding her, incase anything happened I was having a silent breakdown inside. My 2nd came along not long after and it was like a double whammy. I was sent to counselling but it never helped and I never got any form of reassurances. I’m 5+ years deep. I’m still struggling every day. There’s days I just want to give up, but I have to sit and tell myself that no matter how much I feel like that my kids need me.
- I don’t even know how to explain this but for some reason I feel like my baby girl isn’t my baby girl. We went out to a bazaar and some random lady grabbed my baby’s arm and kept walking, she didn’t look at me or said a word but ever since that happened I’ve been feeling disconnected from my baby girl. I’ve had intrusive thoughts that my daughters spirit switched with that lady and now I look at her and think that some random lady is living in her body. I can’t shake it off my head. I know it’s crazy but I just want these thoughts to go away. Now I’m trying to compare to see if she acts like she always would act but it’s like my head wants to see something else. My head wants to find something different about her. My head wants to believe this actually happened so badly, I don’t know what to do.
- If I ever leave her with someone else, I’ll come back and she’ll love them more than me. I am not important to my baby and she has no idea who I am. Therefore I can never, ever leave her.
- I fantasied about just waking out and away from my baby. I dreamed of the thoughts my husband would have about me when I was gone such as “oh, she really DID do a lot”… “why did I ever think this would be easy?”… “holy cow I should have appreciated her so much more”
- Some days I wonder if something will happen to me while it’s just she and I home and she will be all alone screaming to be cared for while I lay lifeless on the floor. I think about how many hours will go by before my husband will be able to get to her, feed her, comfort her.
- My baby loves the front facing body carrier, it’s the only way to pleasantly take her for an outdoor walk. Every time I get ready for our walk I picture tripping, falling and crushing her between the pavement.
- I wanted to kill my son for some sleep I was so tired, so depressed and I thought my husband would want to do the same I’m so happy I had a moment where I saw some clarity and called the cops on myself. I had no idea what ppd looked like until that moment and I was so scared of failing as a mum I hid those thoughts for way too long
- The first nights I imagined how I could give the baby up for adoption.
- I get so irrationally angry at everything. I’m 16 months post partum but it feels like it all just happened so fast and I’ve enjoyed none of it. I just want to scream but I’m too tired. I just started therapy and it seems to be going well, but is this the answer? Or, am I always going to feel this way? Detached and emotionless. I want to be a good mom, I want to be a GREAT mom, I just don’t know how.
- Sometimes when my threshold is so low i think about killing myself and my baby. i think about jumping off a bridge with my baby in my arms. i don’t want to think this way and it breaks my heart to, but it happens when i feel overwhelmed.
- My baby seems to like her dad more than me, and it makes me so resentful that I sometimes want to just ignore my baby. It makes me feel like a terrible mom.
- Sometimes when I’m overtired and my baby won’t take a nap and just cries I get so overwhelmed I get a list of thoughts running in my head about how I could make him take a nap. It’s freaks me out and I try to ignore them but over the sound of him crying it’s so hard to stay calm. I would never and have never hurt my baby but this still happens and all I can do is sit on the floor and cry with him.
- I obsessively search cases of infant abuse and signs of potentially abusive parenting. I am so afraid I will abuse my child because I was abused by my parents. I feel like it’s in my genetics. Though I have never hurt my baby I’m still afraid I will.
- My little one is 5 days old. The first day or 2 I kept thinking of ways I could hurt her. I would Never do that. I felt jealous of my husband. He kept holding her, calming her, changing her, and helping her sleep; i was just the food source. Now im just sad often. I miss my 6yr old son. Hes not gone just sleeping separate from me now. I miss my dad; he’s been out of town for 2 mos repairing his 2nd home. I’m sad that I’m not sad or missing my husband. I used to love to write but I dont really feel like it.
I’m annoyed at the amount of people in this house (7 ppl). My cat is on meds and not improving. Any little thought makes me cry as though I were still pregnant.
I didnt feel like this with my son. I felt the happiest I had ever been in my life… this time it’s different. I feel neutral. What am I going to do after maternity leave. I dont want to go back to work. If I don’t ill lose my license. We need to move but are financially unable and time is running out. Im getting used to the sleep deprivation… somewhat. My son is having his teeth filled in 2 mos. My dog needs his teeth done. I hate being in charge of the bills.
I’m not sad when I’m talking with others. I can be happy. But when I’m alone with my thoughts I’m sad.
I’ve been depressed before; 15 and 20 yrs ago. This doesn’t feel like that. Well, maybe the beginning. My husband doesn’t understand. I’ve explained depression to him time and again And he suffered from it as a child but he doesn’t see it as a problem. I have no one but my children.
How long can I be happy on the outside? I wish everyone would just leave me alone..
- It started a few days after birth. I was completely overwhelmed, new mum, first baby etc. I felt like I was failing, I had no idea what I was doing. Anxiety about whether she was getting enough milk, she was loosing weight so I felt like I had starved her. What if she falls out the window, is she too hot / too cold, what if she’s drowns or chokes. I have visions of her choking and running next door with her to the Dr surgery for help. I’m a nurse so I should know what to do but what if she dies on me and I can’t save her. Then I try to reassure myself I know where the closest Defibrillator is. It’s so invasive. Now it’s changed to what if we get Covid and die. She’ll never remember us if we die now or what if she gets it. What if she gets it off me, the guilt I couldn’t live with. What if she dies. I would crumble if anything happened to her. Then I would want to die.
- I vividly picture what would happen if there were a fire and I couldn’t get to my baby. How terrified she would be before the flames engulfed her.
- Ever since I almost dropped my baby, at night I unwillingly picture what it would have looked like if I actually had. I would have to live the rest of my life taking care of a baby with a brain injury that I caused. The shame would be so great that I wouldn’t be able to look at her or live with myself.
- I would see myself throwing her down the stairs, or dropping her when I put her in the car seat. Constantly checking the temperature of the room, and her chest to make sure an wasnt clammy. Making sure she was in the right tog sleeping bag. I actually think I under dressed her because I thought well it’s better if she’s cold and wakes up and overheats and dies… then I would think well if she dies I couldn’t cope so then I’d just kill myself. Then the thoughts got scarier… what if my husband is cleaning her inappropriately? What if I am? What if we hurt her? What if there’s a dark truth to these thoughts??? I was trapped in my mind.. around and around and around. And trapped inside due to Covid. Thank you KK for your work. Your speak the secret helped me reach out. Ladies, you’re not alone.”
- It took me 6 years and IVF to have a baby. I thought being a mother would be a magical experience. That I would be kind and fun – The perfect mother. My baby had bad colic, feeding problems and then lockdown happened. I found myself being filled with rage and anger. I had horrible thoughts about strangling my baby or throwing him down the stairs when he was crying. I felt so guilty. This wasn’t the mother I was meant to be. Maybe the infertility was right and I should never have had children. Other people seem to find it so easy.
- It took me 6 years and IVF to have a baby. I thought being a mother would be a magical experience. That I would be kind and fun – The perfect mother. My baby had bad colic, feeding problems and then lockdown happened. I found myself being filled with rage and anger. I had horrible thoughts about strangling my baby or throwing him down the stairs when he was crying. I felt so guilty. This wasn’t the mother I was meant to be. Maybe the infertility was right and I should never have had children. Other people seem to find it so easy.
- Apart from the usual fear of SIDS, fear of baby choking, fear of falling asleep and dropping/suffocating her during middle of the night feeds, my biggest fear revolves around my parents. They live overseas, and haven’t been able to get here to meet my daughter – their only granddaughter. They are so incredibly desperate to get over here to meet her, and be with their other grandchildren, and with COVID locking everything down, I fear that they’ll never get here. And they don’t live in the safest part of the world, so I fear for their safety more now than ever. And if they eventually get on a plane one day, what if they catch COVID? My son misses them, and my daughter doesn’t know them. I’m Worrying and stressing for everyone else as well as myself. It’s exhausting.
- I’m here at the fourth time baby awakening because my partner doesn’t respect the silence break after baby sleeps. Sometimes, push the door, other plates broken, tv sounds, beer opening and so on. I’m devastated with such a frustration and exhausted of him and the postpartum hormones. I want to go out of here as soon as possible.
- My baby is going to die, just from anything; smothering, my hands, when visiting other family or friends home, choking, SIDS. Everything makes me so nervous. My thoughts are all over the place. I would never harm my baby and I never want to see my baby in harms ways. Sometimes I want to cry, when I look at his beautiful face. Sometimes I just feel like my baby is in harms way and I feel so much better if he is with me at all times but I feel so relieved when I have a tiny break from him. Idk man.
- I am studying at Grandma’s house and she is babysitting my toddler son. They are outside and I suddenly imagined he was hit by a car and the grief of it is hot and painful in my body, tears in my eyes.
- Sleep deprived of constant sleepless nights where almost 1 year old would want a feeding at 2 in the morning on a nightly basis. Had thoughts of wanting child to die or wishing I never had him so I could get rest again. OF COURSE I do not want that to happen. I love my little boy with all my heart! These intrusive thoughts*I struggle with a lot, this is just one of them* make me feel like such a horrible person/mom. I can’t just have the thought and dismiss it like some people can. I dwell on them for a good couple days or weeks! Even with medication and seeing a counselor I still have these thoughts. It can be so draining.
- My child is 10 months old and some days, every little thing is irritating to me… i am exhausted and find it hard to enjoy time with my baby most of the time. I feel like I’m surviving and counting everyday….then I feel like a monster and think it’d be better if I give up (being a mom) and give my baby to his dad.
- I thought about slitting my daughters throat and then driving to the store, buying cigarettes (relapse) and going back home but I would smoke the entire pack and relax before I called the cops to turn myself in. I would be happy in jail away from all the responsibility and the crying. I would be able to sleep in jail.
*Kleiman, K., Wenzel, A., Waller, H. & Mandel, A. (2020). Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts: Breaking the cycle of unwanted thoughts in parenthood. New York, New York: Routlege.
**Image1 created by Melina Stock
**Image2 created by Lisa Braun
For additional support if you do not like the way you are feeling, we recommend This Isn’t What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression. Boston, MA: De Capo Press